Can I?

Inner stability.... It's a process. 
Learning to let go.... As hard as it is... 
It doesn't feel good. Some changes don't feel good. 
Resisting the shifts make them harder to adapt to. 
Even when we do not want to move on. 
Even when we do move on.... It's f*cking scary AF. 
When we don't know what to expect.... 

One of my friends said to me:
"Not every situation ends in the worst case scenario."
I'm trying hard not to let anxiety or fear take over. 
Because it has in a lot of cases. 
I ruined things because of it. 

"You'll be okay, A***." I have been lucky. 
I have to keep reminding myself of that. 
That not everything has blown up in my face. 
Some things have, but not everything. 

And sometimes I have to be on my own. 
To work on myself... But really work on myself... 
And sometimes I get scared to let anyone in, 
but there are times that I have....
Because, deep down, I want to. 
But am I supposed to let everyone in?
Even if they have good intentions?

It does feel like things are changing, because they are.... 
Like I said, it doesn't feel good. 
I want to be okay with it. I really do... 

There's something inside me that sabotages me. 
It's my feeling of being inadequate.... 
Of not being able to do my best
or better than my 'best'
of doing the wrong things. Constantly. 

And my being afraid to trust people is a reflection
of being afraid to trust myself. 
Because of all the times I've sabotaged myself. 

And I can honestly say that it is fear. 
Fear of the unknown, yes. Mostly.... 
Fear that I'm not good enough, yes. 
Fear of pain and betrayal? Absolutely. 

But it's like people who have been around me, 
who I trusted... Have sensed my ineptness. 
And burned me for it. In many ways. 
I wanted good things for people. 
I wanted people to want good things for me, too. 
Why couldn't we just be happy?
With what we had? 

There's been so much I've been through this year. 
Not just this pandemic.... Like this has been just icing on the cake. 
It's stuff I didn't want to admit to myself
and stuff people didn't want to admit to me. 
"You're not seeing something for what it really is."
Been in denial about a lot of stuff.... It's been so f*cking hard. 
Like I can't even begin to tell anyone.... 
It would change people's views on me. 
And I just.... It's been a shadow on me.... 
Very hard to handle it. Don't even know how to handle it. 
Painful truths... 

Which has been weighing on me. 
This need to start over again. 
"Love and fear cannot be there at the same time."
"You've been operating under fear." I have been. 
It's been scary for me. 
I don't even know what to do!
I bet most people facing these things wouldn't know either!

It's like I've been kept in the dark because it's been dark. 
And there's been a lot that I didn't know. 
And how do I let go? How?!
How do I restart my life?
How do I heal? How am I supposed to feel? About any of this?
Like stuff I can't even write about?
Shocking and disturbing things... 
And who could love me through this?
Who would? Is that what I need?
Would anyone understand? 
Would they judge me?
This wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't. 
I don't think anyone asks for this. 

But it's like I'm judging myself
for not taking the situation into my hands, 
but how could I? I still feel like my hands are tied. 

It's associated with a role I've had for a long time. 
And it's a life time role... 
And there's been a huge shift... 
And it's been a rollercoaster... 

Sometimes I feel like I just want to wake up from this. 
But I can't. It has changed me forever. 
I really don't know what to do. 
It's been so heavy on me. 
And sometimes I feel like I just need to tell someone. 
But I don't know how to talk about it. 
It's really f*cking heavy.... Really. 
WTF do I do about this?! 

I get scared and then I try to release it. 
And try to live a normal life, but then it hits me all over again... 
And then I'm like: "WTF do I do?"

I feel f*cking shattered. 
Heavy on my mind, on my heart, on my soul.... 
And I just.... Don't know what to do!
I can't even talk about it!

It's very hard to accept the unknown. It freaks me out. 
Like I have to take it moment by moment. 
Even though this is making me feel SICK. 
Nothing has happened, that I know of.... 
The thought of something happening... Just.... 
I can't even cope with this. 

I have to be okay. Even if something bad happens. 
I wish I knew that everything was going to be okay
and that I have nothing to worry about.... 
But I can't be sure of that. 

I really need to talk to someone about this. 
I've tried to. I got as close as I could to telling a couple of people. 
I've told one person. But he doesn't get it. 
He doesn't know where I'm coming from. 

I feel like I have to push through this and do the work for me. 
Even going through this really deep, dark place in my life. 
But I can't be in denial about this. I have to accept it. 
But it has me on HIGH guard. Really HIGH. 

I've contributed to this. Acting out of fear. 
However, it's f*cking scary. 

And I just.... WTF do I do?!

I've been trying to surrender. 
Like "Whatever happens, happens."
Because it's going to have very little to do with me. 
And I didn't ask for this. I didn't know. 
But I still blame myself for a lot of this. 

But how could I have known how things have gone?
How could I have known? At the beginning?
It's been.... Like.... I can't even put this into words.... 

I had an idea, but I don't know if I should reach out. 
I don't know if it will work. 
I've already done a lot of damage. 
I'm scared that if people found out that it was my idea
that I'll cause even more damage. 

I want to help my son, but I can't because he cut me off. 
Because the way I was trying to help him wasn't helping. 
I should have let him come to me, when he was ready to talk. 
If he wanted to talk to me. 

It has been hard for me, as a parent. Not knowing what to do. 
And knowing what to do, but not being allowed to do it. 
And f*cking up when it comes to my son.

Parenting isn't f*cking easy. Giving up is. 
But that's not in my nature. 
Even though he says I am dead to him. 
That he wants nothing to do with me. 
I don't know if I can come back from this.