The Stages

It's been challenging. I've had a lot to learn. 
Still learning. Very hard lessons. 
My emotions are all over the place lately. 

"Living in fear is no way to live."

I keep trying and then I get pushed away....
There are some things that are within my control
and there are other things that are not within my control. 
Been struggling with this. A lot. 
Mostly because I have needed cooperation
at the very least in my life. 
But why? To make my life easier?
To feel better?
Why does it matter if people are not cooperating?
Because it's frustrating?
Because it doesn't matter to them what I want?
Is it alway about what I want?
Do I always come first?
Do I have to come first?
Does everyone have to care what I want?

When I was depressed, really depressed, very depressed.... 
I threw my little pity parties. If you've read my blog from the start, 
you'd see where I was at in my life. 
How I used to think. How it affected how I felt. 
Which influenced my thinking even more.... 
But I was unaware of how I was triggering myself. 
I was blaming all kinds of things on triggering me. 
Instead of getting real about how I've been triggering myself. 
How I was setting myself up. 
How I was tearing myself down. 
How I still do it. How I fall into the same traps. 

But... At the same time.... 
It was like I was waiting for someone to save me from myself. 
Even though I wasn't letting anyone help me
and I wasn't helping myself. 
Feeling bad for myself and feeling sorry for myself
wasn't helping me. It wasn't doing anything to change
how I was thinking or feeling. Or how I was acting
on how I thought or felt. 
It was changing nothing. Because I wasn't. 
I wasn't giving myself new things to think about. 
And because of that, I wasn't looking at anything any differently. 

I'd like to think I have come quite a ways from where I was. 
But I also have quite a ways to go. 

I am asking people for their thoughts on things
because I know that my thinking hasn't been the best. 
I tend to jump to conclusions and f*cked up because of that. 
And revert back to old ways of thinking that weren't helping me. 
Some people can think more clearly than I can. 
Well, a lot of people can. 

Sometimes I think I'm doing the right thing
for the right reason, but it doesn't mean that I am. 
So this is why I keep second guessing myself. 
I worry a lot when there isn't anything to worry about.... 
And a lot of the time... I am scared when I don't need to be.... 
Fear is kind of like a preparation, motivation thing. 
It's not meant to immobilize us. 

A lot of the time, I was scared of losing control
over things I had no control over in the first place. 

I have no control over what others want. 
Because they don't have to want what I want them to want. 
Just like they don't have control over what I want
because I don't have to want what they want me to want. 

And it's like people have tried to control me and dominate me. 
And to bend me to their will. Constantly in my life. 
And I can't let them do that to me. 
Because it's like telling them that my will is theirs, not mine. 
My will to live my life on my own terms. 

"Let the adult you are become the child you were."

"Only I can save myself
and I don't need a pair of weak hands
to try to save me as I fall."

There comes a time in our lives 
that our lives are in our own hands.

I couldn't give anyone the tools I didn't have. 
Or give myself the tools I didn't have. 
And the people who were 'supposed to' give me the tools
that I needed, didn't have those tools
so they couldn't give me what they didn't have. 

People taught me their bad habits.
And their bad habits became my bad habits
until I had to break my bad habits on my own. 
Whether or not they were going to break theirs.

Like just because both of my parents were alcoholics
and I got into drinking and became one.... 
Didn't mean that I couldn't break that habit. 
Just because my mother's a chain smoker
and most people in my family smoke
doesn't mean that I have to, too. 

Like one of the only things my family did as a family
was get high together. That's it. 
And play TV bingo, which was healthier than just getting high. 

I can't condemn getting high because that was most of my life. 
I just don't have to get high every day. Like I used to. 
I was talking to someone about this the other day. 
Saying that I was so high that I couldn't think straight. 
I mean that I used to get so high that I couldn't think straight. 

Then all my actions were impulsive. 
And the more I acted impulsively, the worse things got. 

There is a difference between spontenaiety and impulse. 
And I didn't really have much impulse control. 
Still is something that is a struggle, at times. 
I drank impulsively. I did drugs impulsively. I acted impulsively. 
I had impulsive thoughts and feelings
that were just automatic thoughts and feelings. 
Jumping to conclusions etc. 

I know, now, that until I know what the right thing is to do... 
I'm likely to f*ck up. 
And my ego used to kick in and fight that notion
because I couldn't put my 'pride' aside to admit that I was wrong
or admit that I had things to learn
or to admit that I was f*cking up. 
Because it was like admitting that I was a f*ck up. 
A f*cked up person. 
And my ego wouldn't allow me to admit that. 
It was all about everyone else, not me. 
So I couldn't admit to my faults. 
I blamed others for the things that I chose to do. 

"If you hadn't done this.... I wouldn't have done that...."
And there are times I still catch myself doing it. After the fact. 
"If you had done this..... I would have done that...."
When these are two different things
that are independant of each other. 
Because our choices are ours
and we shouldn't base them off other people's choices all the time. 

BUT I know there are some exceptions to this. 
And that is why I struggle with my choices
because there are exceptions. 

It's like people who think they know everything
don't know everything. Because if they did, 
they would know that there's still so much to learn. 

And it's common for teenagers to think they know everything. 
Even in my 20s I thought I knew a lot. 
But the things I thought I knew were actually useless. 
Because none of it was helping me get anywhere. 

And having people do things for us
wasn't teaching us how to do them ourselves. 

Like how I'm still not fully, completely, being responsible. 
Because I am still learning how to respond. 
Not just react. I'm good at reacting and overreacting. 
I've developed a lot of stupid habits. 
Like worrying too much. 
Caring too much. 
Wanting too much. 
Expecting too much.... 

So many things like this. In excess.
Because I didn't really give myself limits. 
When it came to things that needed limits. 
And I was limitting myself in other areas. 
Like not allowing myself to be happy. 
"I have a lot to be sad about so why should I be happy?"
Do I have to be happy or sad?
Do I have to keep repressing all my emotions
to the point that I'm depressed
because I won't let myself feel anything?

"We can't selectively numb our feelings."
This is one thing that I learned in AA about drinking.
Because I was drinking to try to numb the pain. 
Of all the losses in my life. 
All the hardships. All the suffering... 
When a lot of the suffering's been self-induced. 

"Do you not see that your misery
comes from the strange belief that you are powerless?"

Why is it a strange belief?
Why would we believe that we are powerless when we are not?
Because we are afraid? Because we let fear overpower us?
Because we give our power away to others?
Because we think they have it and we don't?

But the thing is... We don't have to misuse it. 
And we often do because we don't know how to use it. 
We don't realize how powerful we actually are. 
Just like we don't use our full strength
because we don't realize how strong we are. 
We are strong enough not to do weak things
but we do weak things anyway.

And we are strong enough not to let the weak things
that other people do make us weak, too. 

Like people have issues, 
but a lot of their issues... They had, before they met us. 

A lot of my family's issues... Existed before I did. 
But just because I was born into things.... 
Doesn't mean I have to share those issues
or figure out what to do about my issues. 

So often I discuss the issues that I have and have had. 
With others so that they can point out some useful things. 
That I hadn't considered before. 
Which they never had to point out, but they do it
because they are considerate
and the way I can become considerate
is to consider things that I haven't considered before. 
If I don't consider anything, how considerate am I going to be?

I grew up with a lot of inconsiderate people. 
Who didn't consider a hell of a lot. 
Because they were always so high or drunk
that they couldn't think straight
and they never even considered that maybe they could
wrap their minds around some things
if they considered doing so. 

So the people who are teaching me now.... 
Who have been giving me food for thought.... 
They know this about me. 
They know that where I came from.... Has had an effect on me. 
But where I came from isn't where I'm going. 
Because even though I don't always think clearly.... 
I don't have to revert back to old ways of thinking, 
of acting, being, doing things.... 

That's what it's like when you're trying to quit drinking. 
I could have gone back to drinking. Many times. 
I could have had a relapse. I haven't. 
Because drinking isn't something I want to do anymore. 
Not just because of the stupid things I used to do when I was drunk. 
But that had a lot to do with why I don't want to go back to that. 

Do I have complete control over my emotions? No. 
There are lots of things that I still don't know how to cope with. 
But if I don't learn, I won't learn. 
And if I don't learn, how can I?

It's like my brother with his impulsivity/anger issue. 
He isn't learning how to deal with his issue. 
And I'm at the point that I can't just be like:
"He's not expected to learn how to handle himself."
Just because he hasn't learned how to handle himself.
If he wanted to do something about any of his issues, he would. 
But he doesn't want to because he'd rather just act out. 
Because EVERYONE in our family LET him. 
Because his issues are known to us. 
Doesn't give him the EXCUSE to act out. 
Just because we excused it. Because he has "issues."

So it's like that. With a lot of people and a lot of issues. 
And mostly because they LET themselves act out. 
Because they don't know how to handle themselves
BUT ARE THEY LEARNING HOW TO HANDLE THEMSELVES?
DO THEY WANT TO LEARN HOW TO HANDLE THEMSELVES?
DO THEY WANT TO STOP BLAMING THEIR ISSUES
ON EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE?

My issue with alcohol was my issue. 
I mean I could have kept blaming my inability
to handle my own emtions on everything and everyone. 
On everything everyone said, did, didn't do etc. 
Which I did. Because others put the blame on me
when it was never mine to take. 
It wasn't my fault for the sh*t THEY chose to do. 

"If you hadn't done this.... I wouldn't have done that."
"Look what you made me do!"

Instead of "Even though you did that, I choose to do this."
Instead of "My choices are separate from yours."

But I did take the blame for a lot of sh*t. 
And I did blame others for a lot of sh*t
that wasn't even their fault. 
Because I didn't know any better. 
And neither did they. And most of them still don't. 
And I can't be blamed for the fact that they don't know that. 

Kind of like I can't really blame others for not teaching me things
that I've had to learn on my own. 
Regardless of their inability to teach me, 
I had to learn how to teach myself things. 

And a friend kept telling me:
"How can you teach yourself things you don't know?"

Did I have anyone to show me how to crochet? No. 
I borrowed a book from the library. 
Because it was something I wanted to learn. 

But it's kind of like how asking everyone what they think
isn't teaching me how to think for myself.... 

But thinking for myself, especially a long time ago
was only getting me so far
and wasn't really getting me anywhere. 

So this is why I ask people who make good points. 
Because I'm sure I'd miss those points if they hadn't made them. 

But it's not like I can just run everything by them all the time. 
Because they are living their own lives. 
They don't have the time to waste
helping me pull my head out of my @ss. 
But is it time wasted? 
Is it wasteful to help someone pull their head out of their @ss?
Especially when they recognize that they have their head up their @ss?

"Why is it so dark in here?" 
Probably because your head is up your @ss.

I used to get mad at people who were only trying to help me. 
And then they were like "f*ck this. You're on your own."
And I could have actually benefited from their help
but I wouldn't accept it for whatever reason
and I was like defending myself
for having the issues I had
because nobody "knew" what it was like
to have the issues I've had.... 
So how could they help ME?!

Our misery can come from the strange belief
that others are powerless to help us. 
How do we know if we don't let them try?

But just because they want to try
doesn't automatically mean that they can. 
Despite their belief that they can. 

Maybe they can help with some things, but not everything. 

"I thought you were more intellegent than that."
Why does anyone have to underestimate anyone?
Why does anyone have to overestimate someone?
Even when it comes to ourselves. 
People have underestimated me so much in my life
that I underestimated myself and others. 
And I overestimated the people who were underestimating me. 
I underestimated my own strength, power, senses, resilienc.... 
I have overcome a lot. Even though I still have a lot to overcome. 
And if people realized how much I have overcome
and how much of a struggle it's been, 
they'd be wondering why they underestimated me. 

And I have underestimated other people before. 
I had low to no expectations for them. 

Lots of people didn't expect very much from me, either. 
And they sometimes expected too much. 
And because I disappointed them in the past.... 
Because I let them down in the past.... 
They just kept treating me like I always would. 

Like we aren't born knowing better,
but it is up to us to learn better. 

We could keep ourselves in stages of infancy. 
Or we can pass those stages. 
And even surpass those stages.
AND the stages beyond those stages.