I watched a webinar about manifestation stuff.
The guy teaching it was saying that in order to manifest,
we have to change our memories.
Because we're continuously reliving them and reacting to them.
Which makes sense.
I keep getting anxiety and it is a gut reaction,
but there's something to why I keep feeling like this.
I keep thinking that it is a default reaction.
From being in survival mode for way too long.
From falling apart for way too long.
And yeah, I have built my identity around my life.
My life consisting of memories and there were a lot that weren't great.
Something came up today that I needed to see.
A few things, actually.
One was "If it doesn't feel good,
thinking about it longer isn't going to feel any better."
Another: "We are responsible for how long
we let something that hurt us, haunt us."
Another: "When a pattern is coming to an end,
that's when you feel the most fear and resistance.
Being set free actually feels uncomfortable and unsafe
in relation to continuing to play out what you've always known."
Been recognizing some things.
After all the stress and bullsh*t of this year....
And reaping the reactions to my reactions...
I've realized that facts don't require any reactions.
Of course we react to things... It is a default behavior.
Because that is how we've been for so long. Reactionary.
But when thoughts are facts, emotions are facts, facts are facts...
They are just facts, nothing more.
It's just hard to train yourself to stop reactin to sh*t.
Especially sh*t that doesn't require a reaction.
I think that most of our reactions are impulsive.
Maybe even compulsive...
Because I know when I'm being triggered.
Just at the time, I'm not consciously thinking: "I'm being triggered."
So it just defaults to the reaction that the trigger elicits.
So it is really hard to say: "I'm being triggered. THIS is why and how."
And then calm the f*ck down because...
I just realized I was being triggered.
And I'm usually being triggered by someone who's been triggered.
And I don't recognize that when I'm being triggered
because I'm too busy being trigggered
to recognize much of anything.
But like I said before, when I wrote about triggers in a previous post....
Triggers can work FOR us.
Because some triggers can trigger positive stuff.
Like affirmations... They can trigger stuff.
Speaking of this... I'm finally getting a brain scan.
I got the appointment today. It's not until March, but I got it.
If I have brain damage, which I probably do, they'll see it.
And all the doctors who told me it's all in my head
can literally go f*ck themselves. Sideways with a surfboard.
Anyway, I have to figure out a lot of stuff.
And it won't just figure itself out.
It's just that when you spend such a long time not even thinking about it,
it's hard to start thinking about it.
And it really requires a lot of thought and a lot of deep
introspective thinking.
Most people don't make time for that.
They don't care to go as deep as it takes
to get to the deep rooted sh*t that keeps triggering painful sh*t.
They'd rather stay 'safe' on the surface, or on the shore.
Where they never get wet and don't get to explore.
It's like going to the beach but not going into the water
because there are sharks and predators and unpleasant stuff...
Plus it is darker the deeper you get,
have to keep coming up for air
and then there's that fear of drowning....
All the perils of 20,000 leagues under sea-level.
It is a lot of emotional work. That needs ground work.
Because most of our reactions are perceptual and emotional.
And remember that it is a re-action. A way we acted before.
We get good at acting the way we know how to act.
I keep thinking "They don't know any better."
Makes it a bit easier to forgive,
but I also keep thinking that it's up to them to LEARN.
And it's not always up to ME to TEACH.
Because most people do not want to learn.
Or be taught, by me especially.
And can't teach anything to anyone while they are being triggered.
If someone only knows how to react and reacts badly every time,
then that is all they know.
Until they realize that they don't have to react at all,
to anything or anyone...
But realizing that and remembering that are two different things.
There's a poem by Charlie Chaplin that has a part about this.
He wrote: "We no longer need to fear arguments,
confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others.
Even stars collide,
and out of their crashing, new worlds are born."
Anyway, back to triggers...
The triggers that keep getting triggered
are mostly to do with my insecurities.
And my insecurities have a lot to do with sensitivity stuff.
Thinking about this stuff really helps.
That's why I write. It's a time to think, reflect, and write.
I've let out a lot of stuff this year.
A lot of painful sh*t, a lot of hard sh*t to process...
The year isn't over, yet.
I know there are layers and layers and layers of sh*t.
Like peeling an onion. It'll make you cry.
But the tears are a release mechanism....
It's like what I was allowing myself to do....
I wasn't aware that I was doing it.
That is the first step to change is being aware.
Then the next step is wanting to do something about it.
Can't even want to do something about something
that isn't even in your awareness.
The thing is that when you do something about it,
you're figuring out WHAT to do and HOW to do it.
And doing something you haven't done before
is HARD. It gets really hard.
Especially when you don't know people
who have done or even are attempting to do
what you want to do or are trying to do...
So you can't just go up to them and ask:
"How did you do... (Whatever)?"
Anyway, going to do some reading.
The guy teaching it was saying that in order to manifest,
we have to change our memories.
Because we're continuously reliving them and reacting to them.
Which makes sense.
I keep getting anxiety and it is a gut reaction,
but there's something to why I keep feeling like this.
I keep thinking that it is a default reaction.
From being in survival mode for way too long.
From falling apart for way too long.
And yeah, I have built my identity around my life.
My life consisting of memories and there were a lot that weren't great.
Something came up today that I needed to see.
A few things, actually.
One was "If it doesn't feel good,
thinking about it longer isn't going to feel any better."
Another: "We are responsible for how long
we let something that hurt us, haunt us."
Another: "When a pattern is coming to an end,
that's when you feel the most fear and resistance.
Being set free actually feels uncomfortable and unsafe
in relation to continuing to play out what you've always known."
Been recognizing some things.
After all the stress and bullsh*t of this year....
And reaping the reactions to my reactions...
I've realized that facts don't require any reactions.
Of course we react to things... It is a default behavior.
Because that is how we've been for so long. Reactionary.
But when thoughts are facts, emotions are facts, facts are facts...
They are just facts, nothing more.
It's just hard to train yourself to stop reactin to sh*t.
Especially sh*t that doesn't require a reaction.
I think that most of our reactions are impulsive.
Maybe even compulsive...
Because I know when I'm being triggered.
Just at the time, I'm not consciously thinking: "I'm being triggered."
So it just defaults to the reaction that the trigger elicits.
So it is really hard to say: "I'm being triggered. THIS is why and how."
And then calm the f*ck down because...
I just realized I was being triggered.
And I'm usually being triggered by someone who's been triggered.
And I don't recognize that when I'm being triggered
because I'm too busy being trigggered
to recognize much of anything.
But like I said before, when I wrote about triggers in a previous post....
Triggers can work FOR us.
Because some triggers can trigger positive stuff.
Like affirmations... They can trigger stuff.
Speaking of this... I'm finally getting a brain scan.
I got the appointment today. It's not until March, but I got it.
If I have brain damage, which I probably do, they'll see it.
And all the doctors who told me it's all in my head
can literally go f*ck themselves. Sideways with a surfboard.
Anyway, I have to figure out a lot of stuff.
And it won't just figure itself out.
It's just that when you spend such a long time not even thinking about it,
it's hard to start thinking about it.
And it really requires a lot of thought and a lot of deep
introspective thinking.
Most people don't make time for that.
They don't care to go as deep as it takes
to get to the deep rooted sh*t that keeps triggering painful sh*t.
They'd rather stay 'safe' on the surface, or on the shore.
Where they never get wet and don't get to explore.
It's like going to the beach but not going into the water
because there are sharks and predators and unpleasant stuff...
Plus it is darker the deeper you get,
have to keep coming up for air
and then there's that fear of drowning....
All the perils of 20,000 leagues under sea-level.
It is a lot of emotional work. That needs ground work.
Because most of our reactions are perceptual and emotional.
And remember that it is a re-action. A way we acted before.
We get good at acting the way we know how to act.
I keep thinking "They don't know any better."
Makes it a bit easier to forgive,
but I also keep thinking that it's up to them to LEARN.
And it's not always up to ME to TEACH.
Because most people do not want to learn.
Or be taught, by me especially.
And can't teach anything to anyone while they are being triggered.
If someone only knows how to react and reacts badly every time,
then that is all they know.
Until they realize that they don't have to react at all,
to anything or anyone...
But realizing that and remembering that are two different things.
There's a poem by Charlie Chaplin that has a part about this.
He wrote: "We no longer need to fear arguments,
confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others.
Even stars collide,
and out of their crashing, new worlds are born."
Anyway, back to triggers...
The triggers that keep getting triggered
are mostly to do with my insecurities.
And my insecurities have a lot to do with sensitivity stuff.
Thinking about this stuff really helps.
That's why I write. It's a time to think, reflect, and write.
I've let out a lot of stuff this year.
A lot of painful sh*t, a lot of hard sh*t to process...
The year isn't over, yet.
I know there are layers and layers and layers of sh*t.
Like peeling an onion. It'll make you cry.
But the tears are a release mechanism....
It's like what I was allowing myself to do....
I wasn't aware that I was doing it.
That is the first step to change is being aware.
Then the next step is wanting to do something about it.
Can't even want to do something about something
that isn't even in your awareness.
The thing is that when you do something about it,
you're figuring out WHAT to do and HOW to do it.
And doing something you haven't done before
is HARD. It gets really hard.
Especially when you don't know people
who have done or even are attempting to do
what you want to do or are trying to do...
So you can't just go up to them and ask:
"How did you do... (Whatever)?"
Anyway, going to do some reading.
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