Been thinking of all my distortions.
Luckily, for me, I recognize some of them.
But it's something I really need to work on.
Mind mind goes a million miles an hour some days.
And so clouded with junk thoughts, garbage thoughts,
that are not helping me get anywhere,
just around and around in circles. That's all.
One fear leads to another fear etc.
And I think the basis fear is the fear that I'm inadequate.
But people can learn skills
that make their existing skills more adequate....
And it is a perception thing, too.
A high achiever might look at someone
who isn't achieving very much
as someone who could achieve more if they want to.
Because if they want to, they will do what it takes.
Which is acquiring the knowledge and applying it.
And sometimes people do know better,
but they don't know HOW to BE better...
Or DO better than they already know how to do...
Especially if they are an expert at self-sabotage.
It's almost like they can't or they won't lose their identity
of being the person who self-sabotages themselves.
"I'm a total failure." So they act like one.
Because that's how they see themselves.
I don't see myself as a total failure.
Yes, I've f*cked up. Even masively, at times.
In ways that I can't even recover from.
"The lowest form of torture is torturing ourselves."
I always thought it was torturing others.
Been losing my mind. Been spiraling downwards.
Because of the let downs and all the come downs...
All the ups and downs. All the in and out.
All the "I'm interested" v.s "I don't know what I want."
All the mixed messages. All the bullsh*t.
When two people are confused, they can't be clear with each other.
Lots of mixed messages back and forth.
Even when something makes sense to one person,
it doesn't mean it makes sense to another person.
Things that seem reasonable to one person
can seem unreasonable to another person.
Someone told me: "What is normal for you, isn't normal for me."
And I hadn't thought about it until he had said it.
He said it because he wanted me to keep it in mind.
Sometimes I still forget.
What's normal for him, isn't normal for me.
We are two different people
who have been shaped by totally different experiences....
By experiences we had separately
because we were separated for a long time.
And even when we were sort of in each other's lives,
we weren't really in each other's lives.
We had those walks after school. We had art class.
We had my 4th birthday party...
We got separated because our mothers
couldn't be and stay friends.
And I got pulled from that school,
he was going to go to a new school....
We didn't keep in touch and then he had his life. I had my life.
And there were always other girls in his life....
Mr. Popularity.... Mr. Lady's Man...
So I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to compete. Still don't.
And yeah, I should have kept my mouth shut.
I wonder how much I could have accomplished this year alone
if I had just kept my mouth shut, and not tried, not even cared....
Only stayed focused on my stuff, that I can barely focus on as it is....
But a lot of my doubts spun my head around until they became fears.
Because we weren't connecting.
Not in the ways that are important to me.
I want to look into someone's eyes when telling them things.
And not hide behind a computer screen....
And I don't want them hiding from me behind a screen, either.
People get so disconnected because they can't connect anymore.
Social media seems to be the preferred method of communication
to the point people don't make the time
to see each other face to face...
It also just occured to me that some people
treat people the way they've been treated.
That's how they learn how to treat others
by the way others have treated them.....
Can go both ways...
If people learn massive dysfunctionality,
it becomes part of their personality.
Until they realize: "Hey, I can learn how to be functional."
I don't HAVE TO BE dysfunctional...
Those types of realizations open the doors for other realizations.
I went through a period of time where I was making a lot of realizations.
Like when something made me realize something....
It also made me realize something else.... A chain reaction thing.
It felt like forever to get to that point,
and a lot of the sh*t I was figuring out... I lost it
because these things were things I never thought of before
and although they were things that were really "Holy f*ck!!!"
Like breakthrough moments, they were so new that there were
kind of fleeting... As sad as that is. It's true.
So learning is important, yes, but remembering what you learn
is the most important.
One can argue that "If you forget, did you truly learn?"
But yes, relearn things. If you have to, you have to.
No shame in going over things so many times
that you get so sick of the same sh*t....
Because I'd rather get sick of the solutions
than get sick of the problems....
Hey! I'm so free that it's sickening! But it feels good!
And yes, I keep reminding myself that feeling good
actually feels good...
When you focus on how good feeling good feels,
it feels even better.
We're so used to focusing on how bad feeling bad feels,
it feels even worse....
Knowing that there is an opposing end of the spectrum helps.
Knowing that we can get there helps.
Knowing HOW to get there helps even more.
It's about transitioning. Which I'll be writing about.
As it is something I'm going through. A big transition.
It's like I've been getting ready to be ready and I'm getting closer
to being ready than I have been in a while.
I realized some things recently.
I saw how ill-prepared I am to build something with someone else.
I'm not 'equipped' to deal with most people.
Mostly because most people aren't equipped to deal with themselves
and I have been in this category to some extent....
Because to some extent I at least recognize that I am.
Exploring and building are two different things.
And maybe I should explore the possibilities first
before I attempt to build anything
because if there is no solidarity in the foundation,
it's going to just come crashing down
and I don't want yet another thing
come crashing down upon my head.... Nobody does.
Or else we'd just walk around the world wearing helmets... Heh.
I think it is only too late when we REFUSE to look at anything.
When we bury our heads in the sand or just keep overlooking things.
On purpose... Because of the unwillingness or lack of desire
to truly look at something. REALLY look at it.
Things can become distorted if our views are distorted.
Our views get distorted because of our distorted beliefs and belief systems...
Mostly... We are ill-prepared and not equipped....
Because our beliefs do NOT support us in ANY way.
They only served to keep us stuck to our own preferences...
BUT.... Here is the thing....
If we don't know the alternatives...
How do we know what we truly prefer?
Luckily, for me, I recognize some of them.
But it's something I really need to work on.
Mind mind goes a million miles an hour some days.
And so clouded with junk thoughts, garbage thoughts,
that are not helping me get anywhere,
just around and around in circles. That's all.
One fear leads to another fear etc.
And I think the basis fear is the fear that I'm inadequate.
But people can learn skills
that make their existing skills more adequate....
And it is a perception thing, too.
A high achiever might look at someone
who isn't achieving very much
as someone who could achieve more if they want to.
Because if they want to, they will do what it takes.
Which is acquiring the knowledge and applying it.
And sometimes people do know better,
but they don't know HOW to BE better...
Or DO better than they already know how to do...
Especially if they are an expert at self-sabotage.
It's almost like they can't or they won't lose their identity
of being the person who self-sabotages themselves.
"I'm a total failure." So they act like one.
Because that's how they see themselves.
I don't see myself as a total failure.
Yes, I've f*cked up. Even masively, at times.
In ways that I can't even recover from.
"The lowest form of torture is torturing ourselves."
I always thought it was torturing others.
Been losing my mind. Been spiraling downwards.
Because of the let downs and all the come downs...
All the ups and downs. All the in and out.
All the "I'm interested" v.s "I don't know what I want."
All the mixed messages. All the bullsh*t.
When two people are confused, they can't be clear with each other.
Lots of mixed messages back and forth.
Even when something makes sense to one person,
it doesn't mean it makes sense to another person.
Things that seem reasonable to one person
can seem unreasonable to another person.
Someone told me: "What is normal for you, isn't normal for me."
And I hadn't thought about it until he had said it.
He said it because he wanted me to keep it in mind.
Sometimes I still forget.
What's normal for him, isn't normal for me.
We are two different people
who have been shaped by totally different experiences....
By experiences we had separately
because we were separated for a long time.
And even when we were sort of in each other's lives,
we weren't really in each other's lives.
We had those walks after school. We had art class.
We had my 4th birthday party...
We got separated because our mothers
couldn't be and stay friends.
And I got pulled from that school,
he was going to go to a new school....
We didn't keep in touch and then he had his life. I had my life.
And there were always other girls in his life....
Mr. Popularity.... Mr. Lady's Man...
So I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to compete. Still don't.
And yeah, I should have kept my mouth shut.
I wonder how much I could have accomplished this year alone
if I had just kept my mouth shut, and not tried, not even cared....
Only stayed focused on my stuff, that I can barely focus on as it is....
But a lot of my doubts spun my head around until they became fears.
Because we weren't connecting.
Not in the ways that are important to me.
I want to look into someone's eyes when telling them things.
And not hide behind a computer screen....
And I don't want them hiding from me behind a screen, either.
People get so disconnected because they can't connect anymore.
Social media seems to be the preferred method of communication
to the point people don't make the time
to see each other face to face...
It also just occured to me that some people
treat people the way they've been treated.
That's how they learn how to treat others
by the way others have treated them.....
Can go both ways...
If people learn massive dysfunctionality,
it becomes part of their personality.
Until they realize: "Hey, I can learn how to be functional."
I don't HAVE TO BE dysfunctional...
Those types of realizations open the doors for other realizations.
I went through a period of time where I was making a lot of realizations.
Like when something made me realize something....
It also made me realize something else.... A chain reaction thing.
It felt like forever to get to that point,
and a lot of the sh*t I was figuring out... I lost it
because these things were things I never thought of before
and although they were things that were really "Holy f*ck!!!"
Like breakthrough moments, they were so new that there were
kind of fleeting... As sad as that is. It's true.
So learning is important, yes, but remembering what you learn
is the most important.
One can argue that "If you forget, did you truly learn?"
But yes, relearn things. If you have to, you have to.
No shame in going over things so many times
that you get so sick of the same sh*t....
Because I'd rather get sick of the solutions
than get sick of the problems....
Hey! I'm so free that it's sickening! But it feels good!
And yes, I keep reminding myself that feeling good
actually feels good...
When you focus on how good feeling good feels,
it feels even better.
We're so used to focusing on how bad feeling bad feels,
it feels even worse....
Knowing that there is an opposing end of the spectrum helps.
Knowing that we can get there helps.
Knowing HOW to get there helps even more.
It's about transitioning. Which I'll be writing about.
As it is something I'm going through. A big transition.
It's like I've been getting ready to be ready and I'm getting closer
to being ready than I have been in a while.
I realized some things recently.
I saw how ill-prepared I am to build something with someone else.
I'm not 'equipped' to deal with most people.
Mostly because most people aren't equipped to deal with themselves
and I have been in this category to some extent....
Because to some extent I at least recognize that I am.
Exploring and building are two different things.
And maybe I should explore the possibilities first
before I attempt to build anything
because if there is no solidarity in the foundation,
it's going to just come crashing down
and I don't want yet another thing
come crashing down upon my head.... Nobody does.
Or else we'd just walk around the world wearing helmets... Heh.
I think it is only too late when we REFUSE to look at anything.
When we bury our heads in the sand or just keep overlooking things.
On purpose... Because of the unwillingness or lack of desire
to truly look at something. REALLY look at it.
Things can become distorted if our views are distorted.
Our views get distorted because of our distorted beliefs and belief systems...
Mostly... We are ill-prepared and not equipped....
Because our beliefs do NOT support us in ANY way.
They only served to keep us stuck to our own preferences...
BUT.... Here is the thing....
If we don't know the alternatives...
How do we know what we truly prefer?
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