Focusing On

I was having a set of emotional reactions to the reactions of others for a while.
I can recognize it, even when I'm doing it, but it's hard to stop doing it, still.
So all day, for the rest of the day, I kept thinking about that. Repeatedly.
Which kept causing me to react to it in the same way.
I kept feeling 'bad' about it and the thoughts continued.

Here's something that jumped out at me today:
"One of the main determinants of whether a depressed mood
will persist or lift is the degree to which people ruminate."

"Worrying about what's depressing us makes the depression
all the more intense and prolonged."

"Depressed people sometimes justify their rumination,
but they are priming the feelings of sadness
without taking any steps that might actually lift their mood."

I get that it's not the easiest thing to focus on the steps to take
that MIGHT lift our moods,
when we have something on auto-repeat in our minds.

But when I kept ruminating yesterday, I noticed that I had stopped
ruminating on the previous thing I was ruminating on.
Can't really ruminate on two things at the same time.

We can "reflect on the causes of a depression,
if it leads to insights or actions that will change the conditions that cause it.
But  a passive immersion in the sadness simply makes it worse."

I get this, too. There's a difference between reflection and rumination.
Reflection can lead to insights and actions that can change the conditions.
Rumination... I think it's more than passive immersion.
It's more like active, aggressive immersion.

"Rumination can also make the depression stronger
by creating conditions that are more depressing."

They say that distracting ourselves can get us away from this,
but the thing is that this is distracting!
The ruminating distracts us from other things.

Like often I have a hard time getting out of the funks I get into.
Over things that might not even matter so much to the Big Picture.
But the longer I stay in the funk, the harder it is to get out of it.
Which I know is true, however, I haven't been able to head it off
and when the rumination starts, it is really hard to stop it.

We tend to focus on one or a few things to the exclusion of other things.
When those things have been excluded, they are harder to include.

"I don't have to think about this." Only works temporarily if at all.

There's always something else we can think about or focus on.
It's just hard to make the shift from (this) to (that).
The thing is that the more we can do it, the better we get at it,
and the easier it is for us to do.
The issue is that we have to learn how to do it successfully, first.
We're so focused on that thing that we're too distracted by it
to think about much else other than that.
Which includes the steps to take to make the successful shift.

A psychologist found that women are more prone to rumination than men.

I was talking to a friend about this situation last night.
He made some good points like he always does.
And I often want to talk to him about these things
because he points things out that I have a hard time seeing
when I've been ruminating for any length of time.
The rumination takes over and I can hardly see anything about it.
I have a hard time seeing the facts about the facts
when I'm ruminating on just the facts.

"What we focus on determines what we miss."

So there are two strategies in this book to deal with this:

1) To challenge the thoughts. To question their validity,
and to think of more 'positive alternatives.'

2) To purposely schedule pleasant and distracting events

It comes down to taking the mind OFF of it.
Once my mind latches itself onto something, it has a hard time letting go.
It latches onto things I feel upset about or 'bad' about.
Even though I don't have to keep feeling the same way about those things.
But the longer I feel the same way about those things,
the longer I keep looking at them the same way.
Which is basically how I prolong the rumination.
Because I have a hard time feeling any other way about it,
or seeing it, or looking at it, any differently.

When we are not used to coming up with alternatives, it is hard to do.
Everything we're not used to doing is hard until we get used to doing it.

I know I'm going to screw up in this program and I have a hard time
not dwelling on the mistakes I make...
I also have a hard time regulating my emotional reactions.
Which makes it harder to stop dwelling on things,
but often we learn by making mistakes....
Except I have a hard time seeing it that way when I'm dwelling on it.

We either have to become mood lifters, lifting our moods
and the moods of others by lifting our own,
Or we'll remain mood drifters and keep getting swept up
by our feelings about things.

When I'm in a better mood, it's harder to let things affect me.
But it's harder to get into a better mood when things are affecting me.

"I don't have to let this affect me." Only works for so long, if at all.

It's just that the mind remembers all the times things like that affected you
and all the ways that it affected you, even how long it affected you.
So once it starts affecting you, it snaps the trap shut
and it pulls you into the cycle.

And the only way out is to force your mind to allow you to get into
a whole different cycle. The mind doesn't like to be forced though
and easing it doesn't tend to work very well or very fast
because the mind can be convinced,
but when it's not used to persuasion, the persuasion doesn't work.

So this is why I need new perspectives from others
when I have a hard time coming up with my own.
And others can more easily come up with another perspective
because what is affecting me isn't theirs to be affected by.

When I'm ruminating, I can't even think:
"I'm allowing this to affect me.
I'm allowing this to keep affecting me." I'm too affected by it
to even think about it affecting me. Let alone how it is affecting me.

Anyway, I'm not thinking about it all that much today.
Otherwise I wouldn't be able to even think enough to write about it
in another way other than how it's still affecting me, blah blah blah.

Besides, I have to stop focusing on the things I can't change.
Also, I have to start focusing on "now."
I have to stop thinking about the things that affect me in those ways.
Because the more I think about those things, the more they will affect me.