Just Say It

I can understand if someone is UNSURE. SAY IT.
Have I been UNSURE? YES!
Have I been quick to judge? Yes.

But.... I've had fingers pointed at me
that should have been pointed
AT THEMSELVES!

IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME, 
WHAT FKN FINGERS 
DO YOU HAVE TO POINT AT ME?
ANY?

OR DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE SOMETHING UP?
A REASON TO "HATE" ME?

OR RUN WITH ANY "REASON"
GIVEN TO YOU BY ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANYONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ANYONE CAN SAY FKN ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT BELIEVE ALL THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you do, stand on that! 
Didn't ask me about it, right?

Assumed lies were true, right?

Imagine getting LIED ABOUT
AND PEOPLE WHO ARE BEING LIED TO.....
ABOUT YOU....
BELIEVING IT.....
AND TREATING YOU LIKE CRAP!

The last time, though.....
It's like "why can't anyone REALLY see me?"
Because if they could, WOULD THEY TREAT ME LIKE THAT?

WOULD THEY?

HOW CAN THEY BE LIKE: "YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON
AND THEN.... BE LIKE THAT?"

KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO BE LIKE: 
"YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON"
YET YOU'D DO ME LIKE THAT?
AND KEEP DOING ME LIKE THAT?

AND WHEN I THINK:
THE NEXT GUY....
WON'T DO THE SAME FKN THING....
BUT.... YET.... THEY FKN DO!

SO WHY BOTHER?

FKN STINGS, BUT IT'S MORE THE FKN POTENTIAL
THAT I GRIEVE MORE THAN ANYTHING.

BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S FKN THERE!

MAKES IT FKN STING!

BUT JUST BECAUSE THE POTENTIAL WAS THERE, 
DOESN'T MEAN IT WAS GOING TO EVER....
BE FKN ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can't expect anything to be fkn anything....
ESPECIALLY THESE FKN DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT WISHFUL THINKING IS ON MY END.
I'M AT FAULT FOR THAT.

EVEN IF I'M ONLY THINKING:
"MAYBE HE WILL SEE ME! FOR ME!"
"MAYBE THIS WILL BE FKN MUTUAL!!!!!!!!!!!"
FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HOPED!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR A LONG TIME!!!!!!!!! BUT????????
SHOULD I ANYMORE?

Wishing and hoping is fkn EXHAUSTING! 
WHY DO IT? 

JUST BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I'D HOPE FOR?
JUST BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I'D WISH FOR?

JUST BECAUSE IT'S BEEN SO DAMN LONG
SINCE I WAS ALLOWED TO FKN HOPE?
FOR ANYTHING?
REAL?

FFS?

PATIENCE DOES NOT = PROMISES! 

BEING A "GOOD PERSON" MEANS WHAT?
IF "GOOD PEOPLE" DON'T GET TO EVER FKN WANT ANYTHING?
EVEN BASIC FKN HONESTY?
CLARITY?
FKN ANYTHING?
FK!

IF I WANTED BS, WOULD I GET THAT?
SINCE I CAN'T GET WHAT I "WANT"?

Like.... Is the reason I'm getting BS because
I DON'T WANT THIS SH*T?

If that is the reason.... Y'know?

But sometimes a person gets TIRED
OF CARING THIS MUCH FKN PAIN.

CAN I TAKE MORE?
BECAUSE I FEEL MORE ON THE HORIZON FFS.

WHY HOPE?

JUST HOPE IT WON'T HURT SO BAD....
BUT IT WILL STING AT THE VERY LEAST.... RIGHT?

If I'm Not Seen, I'm Gone

If you know, I used to wait and wait and wait.
FOR PEOPLE TO MAKE UP THEIR MINDS ABOUT ME.
FOR THEM TO WANT TO GET TO KNOW ME.
AS A PERSON.

IF THEY HAVE A LONG TIME...
WHERE THEY COULD HAVE TALKED TO ME
AND COULD HAVE HUNG OUT WITH ME,
BUT CHOSE NOT TO....
TO PUT ME ON THE SHELF FOR "LATER,"

IF THEY ACT LIKE A POS WHEN I SAY I'M NOT GOOD WITH THAT, 
THEN I CAN LEAVE.

I don't have to wait and keep waiting.
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE GOT MAD
THAT I DON'T FKN WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE!

FOR BASIC HONESTY?
IF I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THAT?!
WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

IF YOU CAN'T SEE WHY YOU SHOULD BE HONEST, 
THEN FK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I invited him to go to the show with me
HE COULD HAVE TOLD ME YES OR NO.
HE LEFT ME HANGING.

THEN I SAID I DON'T NEED ANY FAKE FRIENDS...
HE FLIPS ON A FKN DIME!

DO I? DO NEED FAKE FRIENDS?
THEN HE FKN UNFRIENDED ME.

THEN HE INSULTED ME.

THEN I TOLD HIM HE SHOULD CHANGE HIS FB STATUS!
NO MIXED MESSAGES FOR ANYONE ELSE!
WHY SHOULD OTHER GIRLS THINK HE IS SINGLE?
WHEN HE TOLD ME HE FKN ISN'T????????????????

THEN HE WENT OFF ON ME FOR TELLING HIM
TO JUST BE FKN HONEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT HE ISN'T FKN SINGLE IF HE FKN ISN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I AM GLAD THAT HE TOLD ME INSTEAD OF GOING TO
THE SHOW WITH ME!

I WOULDN'T WANT TO GO WITH SOMEONE'S BF!
AND NOT KNOWING WOULD MAKE IT WORSE!!!!!!!!!

SO HE TOLD ME I'M PLAYING "THE VICTIM!"
BECAUSE????? HE WAS BEING FKN UNFAIR???????????
AND GOT MAD THAT I LOST INTEREST??????
AM I SUPPOSED TO BE FKN INTERESTED IN THAT?

THAT'S LIKE MIRROR SMASHER
WAITING TO FKN HAPPEN
ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WOULD I DO THAT SH*T AGAIN?

Hard One To Write

If you've read my really old stuff.... 
This might make some sense.

Because you'd know where I was at...
Emotionally, for a long time... 

Especially when it came to the life I wish I got to live.... 
Not that I was OWED by anyone.... 

It's grief-related. 
One of my good friends died a couple of months ago.
I went to his celebration of life last Monday.
I didn't know if I was even going to get to go to it.

I did get to go to it! 

Still kind of processing.... 
He died. He's dead.
He bled out.
He had an accident with his ATV....
It punctured his artery.... He's gone.

It wasn't even a month after his 49th birthday....

He's been accident-prone.... Very.... 
That was the bane of his existence.
It was his death.... 

I'm sad that my friend is gone.... 
I'm sad about how he died....
I'm sad for his family.... 
Especially his nieces and nephews... 
And his sisters.

I feel very numb. Exhausted on many levels... 
Yes, LOSS, but it's also
A LIFE I NEVER GOT TO LIVE.

AND THAT PART HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

IT HAS TO DO WITH CARING AND WANTING SOMETHING
THAT USED TO MEAN SO MUCH TO ME... 

MAYBE IN SOME WAYS, IT STILL DOES, 
BUT I'M VERY TIRED.

NOT JUST BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SLEPT YET.
I FEEL TIRED IN MY SOUL.
FOR REAL.
IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THAT WILL GO AWAY.
I WISH IT WOULD!

I wish I could just feel better about how my life turned out.
It could have been worse, I guess.

It really could be worse!
Deeply, honestly, I know this!

If the worst that happens is that I don't ever get married....
Or go on a date....
Or have that partnership that would be ideal for me.... 
If that's the worst.... Is that so bad?

Lots of people never get married.
It's not like I'm the only one who won't ever get married, right?

EVEN IF IT FEELS LIKE THAT SOMETIMES!

EVEN IF THE FEELINGS THAT I WISH WOULD GO TF AWAY.....
ARE STILL THERE....
DECADES LATER... 

WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST.... ENDED.

BECAUSE.... AFTER EVERYTHING....
WHY DOES THAT STUPID PART OF ME.....
STILL FKN WANT THAT? WHY?

I KNOW THAT IT'S NOT GOING TO JUST BE....
"INSTANT HAPPINESS."
THE "HONEYMOON PHASE" ENDS AT SOME POINT.

Part of me wants to just go STRONG AND HARD FOR MYSELF, 
FOR MY LIFE, MY FUTURE.... ALL OF THOSE POWER MOVES....

But I feel fkn SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not angry, not bitter, just fkn SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should I feel SAD about being single? Fk no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Being single is so much better than being with the wrong person!

I KNOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S SO FKN TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALSO, WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE....
WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME?

WHO DOES NOT EVEN FKN TRY?

I TRIED! FOR TOO LONG! I STOPPED!
NO POINT IN CONTINUING.

WHY WOULD I?
IT'D BE ANOTHER ONE-SIDED THING
THAT I'D ALSO HAVE TO GRIEVE.

SO WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

JUST TO DO IT?
JUST TO WASTE MORE TIME?
JUST TO KEEP WANTING SOMETHING
THAT APPARENTLY I CAN'T SEEM TO HAVE?
WILL I EVER HAVE ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE?

WHY AM I EVEN ASKING IF I EVER WILL?
DOES THAT EVEN MATTER?

SHOULD IT HAVE MATTERED AS MUCH AS IT DID?
EVEN AS MUCH AS IT SOMETIMES STILL DOES?

Because it's not an ALL-THE-TIME feeling like it used to be.
It's more of a grief that visits and overstays its welcome.... 
Repeatedly and unannounced... 

Not all the time..... Not every day.... 
Sometimes I feel OKAY.
ABOUT BEING SINGLE.
ABOUT BEING..... NOT MARRIED....
NOT "IN LOVE."

EVEN ABOUT THE TIMES I WAS TAKEN FOR GRANTED!
BEEN HEALING ALL OF THAT.... OR SO I THOUGHT....
UNTIL IT..... POPS UP.

AGAIN. AND STAYS.... LINGERS....
UNTIL IT FKN GOES AWAY, AGAIN, FOR A WHILE.
I HATE HAVING TO FEEL IT, 
I HATE HAVING TO DEAL WITH IT.
I HATE HAVING TO PICK MY LIFE UP.... 
MYSELF UP.... FROM THIS.... STILL.

It's not that I'm desperate for "love."
I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR FKN 11 YEARS!

BEFORE THAT, IT WASN'T AS LONG, 
BUT IT WAS STILL A LONG TIME.

It's Been Useful & Helpful

Writing. I'm talking about writing. 
Whether it's blogging, journaling, or whatever...
Writing is flexible and it provided me with the flexibility
that I needed to explore my thoughts and feelings in a way
that seems to have been useful to achieve a few things....
It wasn't that it was easy to do.
It wasn't that it was instantaneous.
It was built by me, intentionally.
Internally.

What I've been writing about are things that reflect
who I've become after overcoming certain things, 
after reflecting on certain things, 
thinking deeper than I used to think.... 

Overall developing.... Slowly, yes...
If I could have been where I am NOW
10 years ago... Or 20 years ago....
Things might have been different in my life today. 

Today, I was at a location I used to frequent back in 2014... 

Close to where I went to counselling when I first quit drinking.

When I thought back to where I was, emotionally, then....
And where I am emotionally, today, I can see and FEEL the difference.

The difference feels so much better, like a huge relief
from how I used to feel.

I thought about the things I did that actually helped.

The way I was thinking.... Wasn't helping me.
It wasn't.

I didn't know how else to think!
I thought the ways I always thought!
I didn't know the difference!

Between thinking the way I always thought....
And thinking in ways that were useful to see some things
in new ways that I could use creatively and constructively.

I became more interested in certain things that helped me
think along the lines of things that might work better
than the ways that I used to operate. 

I was thinking:
It was best that I didn't actually "get" what I "always wanted."
when I wasn't ready to actually appreciate it.

I had good things in my life before.
Before I could see certain things and when I missed certain things.
Facts that were right in front of me....
About things that were waiting to be realized, in a way.

The reason I write about it is that some of it was useful.
It's not to brag or whatever.

It's not that I ever thought of myself as "special."
Because I "finally realized something."
that took me forever to realize.... 

I never had to or wanted to look at myself like that.
I just had to realize that I actually have certain skills
that are actually practical and transferrable.

With those, I can use them to help myself
and communicate certain things that others MIGHT use
to reflect on their own stuff.

Whether they do or not....
That isn't the point.

The point is that... 
I had to go deeper to uncover certain things
that would have remained unseen
had I not looked at certain things.

It was either I was going to actually do that...
Or keep refusing to do it.
I had that choice, and that choice was mine the whole time.

When we look at some things, we aren't looking at other things.
And that's not just about perspective.

It's actually about something pretty deep
that I can't figure out how to articulate in this moment.

It IS about perspective, but it's not JUST about perspective.

It's really hard to articulate the other components right now.
Because on some level, I intuitively know what those are....
At the same time, even if I can express some things....
I can't express everything.... In the ways that I want to.

I guess that what I want is to be able to express it
in ways that make sense and in ways that are helpful to someone
who might understand and use what I expressed in a way
that might help them. 

Writing is flexible. It's accommodating.
It's exploratory.
It's a TOOL.

It's not just a form of expression.
It's much more useful and fluid than that.

That's what I love about it.

A long time ago.... A lot was really hard for me.
I couldn't "connect" in the ways I wanted to or wish that I could.
I hadn't developed certain strengths that I have now....
I hadn't taken the time to do any of that.

"Arrested development" is an understatement
when it comes to describing myself.

No shame in describing myself truthfully.
I can be honest about where I was.
I can be honest about why I was there.
I can be honest about what took me so long to see some things.

Some things that I wish I had seen sooner, but....
At least I have seen what I have seen.
Some of it was stuff I needed to see.
FOR A REALLY LONG TIME!

AND HAD I SEEN IT, LONG AGO, 
I COULD HAVE USED IT, LONG AGO.

That's part of why I'm sharing it, on here, 
so that if it clicks for you, for the reasons it did, for me, 
then you can use it for certain purposes.

If it helps you operate closer to the way that you've wanted to, 
like it did for me, 
then I'm glad about that.

Why wouldn't I be?
I'm allowed to be glad about that.