He's Not Allowed Back

The guy who slammed his dog... I thought he'd be gone.
FOR THAT. He wasn't. 

A few days later, he was back. 

He assaulted his girlfriend. 
I would have broke tf up with him
after he attacked the dog. 

It would have been a matter of time
BEFORE HE HURT SOMEONE.
AND HE DID. 

SO HE'S NOW NOT ALLOWED BACK. 

He slammed her against the balcony door. 
Cracked her skull. 

She had to get stitches across the top of her head. 
AND HURTING THE DOG
WASN'T ENOUGH OF A REASON?

She said he's in custody until they can get him
into the mental hospital
because supposedly he was on drugs... 

He even tried slicing a couple of her fingers
with a saw ffs. 

WHY THE F*CK DID SHE STAY WITH THE GUY
AFTER WHAT HE DID TO THE DOG?

HE WOULD HAVE BEEN GONE. 
I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO THE GUY
WHEN WE WERE IN THE ELEVATOR TOGETHER... 

AFTER WHAT HE DID?!

AND THEN ATTACKS HER?
CRACKING HER SKULL?
WTF?!

I JUST DIDN'T AND STILL DON'T
WANT TO BE ANYWHERE AROUND THE GUY. 

A few times before the dog incident, he kind of weirded me out. 

Like when he offered me a free joint after I'd already smoked one... 
I declined and he kinda got mad about it.

MAYBE I HAVE A RIGHT TO DECLINE?
IF I WANT TO?

JUST GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE!

Anyway, I went on a free group. 
A lady was looking for help for her garden. 

She had someone come in the morning, today. 
I was supposed to come in the afternoon. 

I got a message from her saying that "something came up."
It was because I was going to call her at 2pm. 
To try to get there around 4pm. 

She made other plans. Oh well. 

That sh*t bugs me, though. 

WHEN I CARVE OUT TIME IN MY DAY
TO DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE
FOR FKN FREE.... 

AND THEY TURN AROUND AND DO THAT SH*T. 

She can easily find someone else and I don't have a problem with it.

Just don't go making plans with me
AND BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HEAR FROM ME
RIGHT AWAY
BECAUSE I TOLD YOU THE DAY BEFORE
THAT I WAS GOING TO BE BUSY
AND STILL CARVED OUT SOME TIME, 
JUST FOR HER... 

JUST DON'T FKN BOTHER, THEN. OKAY?

I DON'T OWE HER MY TIME. 
THERE'S NOTHING IN IT FOR ME. 
BUT THAT WASN'T THE POINT. 

YOU ASK FOR FREE FKN HELP
AND SOMEONE OFFERS TO HELP YOU...
THEN DO THAT?!

"I DIDN'T HEAR FROM YOU. SOMETHING CAME UP."
DA FUQ IT DID.

YOU GOT PISSY THAT YOU DIDN'T HEAR FROM ME
AND MADE OTHER PLANS. 

AND IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIKE THAT, 
YOU DON'T NEED MY HELP.

I DON'T NEED THAT SH*T. 

And I was going to have lunch with my son, 
but he wanted to go "home" early. 

So I didn't even have any lunch. 

Maybe today's just a good day to spend by myself.
BEEN HELPING PEOPLE
WHO DON'T APPRECIATE
THAT I MADE THE TIME FOR THEM. 

MAKES ME THINK TWICE ABOUT OFFERING TO HELP
ANYONE ANYMORE. 

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED WITH MIRROR SMASHER... 
I WAS TRYING TO HELP HIM GET CLEAN...

BUT HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO
WITH HIS HEAD UP HER @SS?

Feels like all I do is waste my fkn time on people. 

I do feel bad the guy attacked her, 
BUT WHAT PART OF WHAT HE DID TO THAT DOG
DID SHE NOT FKN UNDERSTAND?

AND THE POLICE?
THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A CHARGE.

ANIMAL @B*SE.
CRUELTY TO AN ANIMAL. 

YOU THINK SOMEONE
WHO "COULD EVEN DO THAT" TO A DOG
WOULDN'T FKN DO THAT TO A PERSON?

At least the fkr is gone, now. 
He should have been gone a long time ago.

BUT WHAT?! COPS IN O-TOWN
DON'T SEEM TO TAKE SH*T SERIOUSLY. 

That chick I was helping... And was still going to help
WHO NEVER FKN LISTENED TO ME
AND GETS MAD WHEN SHE DOESN'T GET 
WHAT SHE WANTS... 

SHE WAS LITERALLY TRYING TO CONTROL ME...

Anyway, her daughter died. 

She didn't talk to me for like 2 years, 
and then told me her daughter died... 

So I went to spend some time with her...
I stayed at her place for a week
so she wouldn't be alone "in her grief"... 

I let her cut it off. 

Even after I was there for her... 

She was planning a trip to be out of town
on her daughter's birthday... 

She asked me to watch her cats while she was away. 
So I spent a week at her place, 
and was going to take care of her cats... 

AND INSTEAD OF FKN LISTENING TO ME
LIKE THE FKN LAST TIME... 

SHE DID HER BS. I LEFT.

AND I TRIED TELLING HER, AFTER THAT.
WHAT THE FK MY PROBLEM WAS... 
THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A PROBLEM. 

IT'S HER "NEED FOR CONTROL."

So pretty much the last actual message from her
was telling me she wanted her keys back
and had someone else to watch her cats... 

So last time I saw her, I was giving her keys back.

I tried leaving it at that.

"I still want to be friends..." No. She wants to see
if she can use me some more. 

She has been sending me some links to stuff. 

Doesn't say hi. Doesn't ask "how are you doing?"
NOTHING BUT A LINK. 

IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TALK TO ME... 
WHAT IS THERE TO SAY?

SHE LITERALLY TOLD ME TO LEAVE
THEN GOT MAD THAT I WAS LEAVING!
DA FUQ?!

"YOU JUST GOING TO LEAVE ME HIGH AND DRY?"

AFTER TELLING ME TO "JUST GO!"

I SPENT A FKN WEEK OF MY LIFE
BEING THERE FOR HER.

EVERY FKN DAY, 
WITH ZERO TIME FOR MYSELF. 

AND I WAS GOING TO WATCH HER CATS
BECAUSE SHE HAD ASKED ME TO
AND THEN ASKED SOMEONE ELSE, I GUESS.

SURE, SHE'S ALLOWED TO DO THAT
AND WANT HER KEYS BACK. HER KEYS, NOT MINE.

BUT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?
AND THEN ALL SHE DOES IS SEND LINKS TO ME?
WHY FKN BOTHER?

SO I DON'T REPLY TO THEM. 
I'VE STOPPED CARING WHAT SHE THINKS. 
I'M NOT HERE TO BE FKN "CONTROLLED"
BY FKN ANYONE. 

TOLD ME TO LEAVE AND THEN TRIED TO FKN GUILT TRIP ME
ABOUT FKN LEAVING!!!!

NO "THANKS FOR BEING THERE FOR ME."
FKN NOTHING. 

NOTHING BUT PERIODIC LINKS. 

SHE SENT ONE TODAY. It popped up when I was on there.
She knows I saw it. It marks it as "seen" or whatever.

BUT UNTIL SHE ACTUALLY SAYS ANYTHING TO ME...
I'M NOT GOING TO PLAY THAT FKN GAME. 

She's an adult and can act like she is
if she wants anything to do with me. 

If she can't, then... Why should I go out of MY way?
IS SHE GOING OUT OF HERS?
TO WHAT? SEND ME LINKS?

NO FKN APOLOGIES EVER
FROM ANYONE WHO ISN'T EVER FKN WRONG
TO TREAT ME THE WAY THEY DID.

AND ME NOT WANTING A PART OF THAT.... 
BUT THEY'LL STILL BLAME ME FOR THAT, TOO.

But the point is... I DROPPED EVERYTHING GOING ON
IN MY LIFE, AT THAT TIME, 
TO SPEND WITH HER.

TO BE THERE FOR HER.

AND FOR HER NOT TO FKN RECOGNIZE THAT... 
FOR WHAT IT ACTUALLY WAS... 

ALMOST AS BAD AS MIRROR SMASHER
NOT RECOGNIZING THAT...
FOR WHAT IT ACTUALLY WAS... 

LIKE NOBODY RECOGNIZING THAT...
FOR WHAT IT ACTUALLY WAS... 

NO MATTER WHAT THE FAVOR WAS THAT I DID.
FOR FKN ANYONE... 

ALL THEY WANTED WAS THE FAVORS. OKAY?
AND TO TREAT ME LIKE I DON'T FKN KNOW THAT
AND SEE IT ALL THE DAMN TIME
IS FKN INSULTING. 

IT'D BE NICE IF THERE WAS SOMEONE
WHO WANTED NOTHING FROM ME. 

JUST CHILL, ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY. 
NOT FKN USING ME OR TRYING TO... 
NOT TRYING TO "CONTROL" ME... 
NOT TAKING ME FOR GRANTED... 

Y'KNOW? A REAL FRIEND?!
SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY FKN CARES
ABOUT HOW I WOULD FKN FEEL... 
WHO REALIZES HOW IT'D FKN FEEL FOR THEM
IF I DID THAT SH*T TO THEM... 

AND DOESN'T WANT TO DO THAT SH*T TO ME, EVER.

Imagine if I only sent her links? Didn't say anything?

That's why I'm not saying anything.
If she has something to fkn say, she should say it.

BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO BE AROUND FOREVER FFS.

WHEN PUSHED AWAY, I STAY AWAY.
FOR MYSELF. 

I GAVE SO MANY PEOPLE MORE CHANCES
THAN THEY FKN DESERVED. OKAY?

AND HAD THAT BEEN ME... DOING THAT... 
ACTING LIKE THAT... 

WHO'D WANT TO BE AROUND ME?
WHO'D WANT TO TALK TO ME?
ANYONE?

AND IF THEY DIDN'T, THERE'D BE A REASON FOR IT!!!

What bugs me, though, the people I was there for... 
EVEN AFTER THE FIRST FKN TIME
THEY PUSHED ME AWAY...

HAD NO INTENT ON BEING THERE FOR ME. 
AND IF THEY EVER WERE, THAT WAS FOR SHOW ONLY. 

You want to know why I know it was for show only?
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED TO
TRY TO TAKE ME FOR WHATEVER THEY COULD GET.

THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN FKN SELFISH AND GREEDY.

THEY WOULD HAVE JUST FKN LISTENED TO ME.
AND FKN HEARD ME THE FIRST TIME.
AND CARED ABOUT WHAT I HAD TO SAY. 

INSTEAD OF BEING EVEN WORSE
WHEN THEY DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED... 

YOU SEE ME GETTING WHAT I WANT? FKN EVER?

I'm so used to not getting what I want
that there's no point in being mad about it... 

BUT I DON'T HAVE TO BE AROUND ANYONE
WHO NEVER APPRECIATED ANYTHING
I EVER DID FOR THEM
OR WHY I WAS EVEN DOING IT... 

I DON'T HAVE TO BE!
AND I DON'T WANT TO BE!

I'd rather be by myself. 

JUST THAT WHEN IT EVER CAME DOWN TO
SOMETHING I WANTED... 

IT WAS A BIG "FK YOU A***!"

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?!" 
ALL KINDS OF FKN BS.

CHILDISH BS.

SENDING LINKS AND NOT SAYING ANYTHING... 
MIND GAMES MUCH?

SHE JUST WANTS TO SEE
IF SHE HAS THE POWER TO GET ME TO "REPLY."

REPLY TO WHAT? A LINK?

She didn't talk to me for 2 fkn years... Y'know?
AND HAS SHE SPOKEN  TO ME AFTER SHE GOT HER KEYS?
BARELY. HARDLY. AT ALL... 

She wanted my sympathy and attention. 

It bugs me that she made it about her "suffering."

Sure, grief's fkd up. 
Especially when your child accidentally overd0ses... 
And died as a result... At only 20 years old... 

THAT'S WHY I WAS THERE FOR HER.

She had other people there for her, though. 
Someone else she asked to watch her cats for her...
AFTER SHE'D ASKED ME.

SO THEN WHY ASK ME?
TO JUST GO ASK SOMEONE ELSE?

TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT... BY A SO-CALLED FRIEND... 

FUNNY HOW WHEN I STOPPED BUYING HER STUFF
SHE DIDN'T SEE THE NEED TO EVEN SAY HELLO
FOR 2 YEARS... AND NOW? 

I literally asked her to stop asking me to buy her stuff. 
IF I FELT LIKE DOING IT, I WOULD, 
BUT I WANTED IT TO BE A CHOICE.
NOT BECAUSE SHE WANTED ME TO. 

SHE'D GET MAD AT ME IF I DIDN'T WANT TO LOAN HER MONEY... 

DID I EVER ASK HER FOR MONEY? NO?
1) I DON'T DO THAT SH*T. 
2) I DON'T ONLY HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY HAVE MONEY.
3) I'D RATHER BE BROKE AF WITH AND AROUND PEOPLE WHO SEE ME.
4) I'D RATHER BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT ANYTHING.

What more could I ask from someone? Other than their time?

AND I KNOW THEY COULD BE DOING
A BILLION OTHER THINGS
THAN SPENDING IT WITH ME... 

LIKE I COULD BE DOING 
A BILLION OTHER THINGS
THAN SPENDING IT WITH THEM... 

THAN GOING OUT OF MY WAY
FOR THEM... 

THAN DOING ANYONE ANY TYPE OF
COURTESY.

ARE THEY DOING ME ANY COURTESY?

MIRROR SMASHER COULD HAVE JUST FKD OFF
WITHOUT SMASHING MY FAMILY HEIRLOOM. RIGHT?

BUT WHY DO ME ANY FAVORS? 

THAT'S WHY AFTER DOING SO FKN MANY, 
I DON'T FKN WANT TO ANYMORE.

I'M NOT SOMEONE'S BANK.
OR STORE. OR MAID. OR FKN ANYTHING.

Just bugs me that even after doing all I've done for people... 
THEY MISS THE THINGS I DID FOR THEM
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY CAN'T FIND ANYONE
WHO'D DO ANYTHING FOR THEM... 

THEY TRY TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO USE
AND DISCARD... LIKE THEY DID TO ME... 

AND END UP ALONE
BECAUSE WHO TF WANTS THAT SH*T?!

YET I'M TO BLAME
FOR NOT WANTING THAT.

That's what they miss.
ME BEING THERE.
WHAT I USED TO DO.
FOR THEM.
WHEN THERE WASN'T ANYONE ELSE... 

BUT AS SOON AS SOMEONE ELSE
SHOWS SIGNS THAT THEY CAN BE USED... 
HOW FAST THEY GO OVER THERE... !!!!

AND THEY CAN STAY THERE!!!

WHY SPIN THE BLOCK?

OH? BECAUSE I WAS SINCERE?
I WAS HELPING BECAUSE I WANTED TO?
I ACTUALLY CARED AT ONE POINT?

BUT DID THEY SEE THAT WHEN I WAS AROUND?
OR ONLY AFTER?

If I'm ever "missed" it's not ME they miss. 
BECAUSE THEY NEVER KNEW ME!!!!
TOO BUSY BEING FKN SELFISH
TO FKN KNOW ME!!!!

"A*** used to do xyz for me..."
Yeah, I USED TO.

Why don't I anymore?

When Iron Heart stopped talking to me... 
I hadn't even fkn done anything to him...
He just upped and disappeared for a while. 
Didn't think I'd ever get to talk to him, again... 

And you know what he said?
"I missed our talks." Our talks!!!!

THE WHOLE FKN TIME.... I MISSED HIM!!!!

AND ALL I COULD FKN DO
WAS JUST WISH HIM WELL... 

PRETTY MUCH ALL I CAN DO, NOW, TOO. 
WHICH I DO. 
I DO WISH HIM WELL. 

IF HE EVER DECIDED TO DROP HIS EGO
AND TALK TO ME AGAIN, I'D LISTEN. 

TRUST.... THAT'S ANOTHER THING. 

BOUNCING ON ME TWICE?

BUT NICE TO KNOW HE MISSED OUR TALKS, THOUGH.

HE WAS THE ONE I TOLD MY DEEPEST SH*T TO.
THE ONE I USED TO WAKE UP THINKING ABOUT...
WITH A FKN SMILE ON MY FACE.

AND NOW? A MEMORY. 
A LESSON. 

BECAUSE I NEVER HAD TO FKN TRUST ANY OF THEM. 

Why did I? Honestly, because I wanted to. 
I wanted to be ABLE to fkn TRUST them. Okay?

The people I had in my life, I should have been ABLE to trust.... 
WHO I REALLY WANTED TO BE ABLE TO TRUST...

JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO
ACTUALLY TRUST THEM... 

DOESN'T FKN MEAN THAT YOU ACTUALLY CAN. 

Just bugs me, because MAYBE it'd be nice if they missed ME.
For ME. Not our conversations, not what I used to do for them, 
NONE OF THAT BS SUPERFICIAL SH*T... 

But how could they ever miss ME?
NOBODY FKN KNOWS ME!!!!

EVEN PEOPLE I SPENT TIME WITH.
EVEN PEOPLE I GAVE MY TIME TO...

THEY CAN THINK THEY KNOW ME ALL THEY WANT!!!!
But my "other life" has nothing to do with anyone.

I don't care who gets angry with me about that, but it's true.
SO WHY SHOULD I EVEN WANT TO SHARE THAT
WITH ANYONE?

WITH PEOPLE WHO NEVER FKN HEARD ME
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T FEEL LIKE LISTENING. 

WITH PEOPLE WHO SEND ME LINKS?
AND NOT EVEN SAY "HELLO."

WITH PEOPLE WHO PLAY FKN GAMES... 
LIKE I'M ONLY "GOOD ENOUGH" TO BE AROUND
WHEN:
1) NOBODY ELSE IS
2) IF THEY GET SOMETHING FROM ME

WHY SHOULD I WANT TO SHARE THAT?
THAT PART OF MYSELF?

So I keep it so hidden from them
THAT THEY THINK THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE LOL!

I'D RATHER LET THEM ALL THINK
I'M FKN STUPID

THAN TO SHOW THEM ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

IF THEY WERE PAYING ATTENTION, 
MAYBE THEY WOULD HAVE SEEN SOME THINGS... 

IF THE CARED ENOUGH TO... 

AND WHY EVEN BE MAD THAT THEY DIDN'T?
THEY CHOSE NOT TO. 

That was their choice. 
Just as "hiding stuff about myself"
from everyone... 

Is my choice. 

BUT IF I TREATED ANY OF THEM
THE WAY THEY FKN TREATED ME... 

BUT I DIDN'T!

1) That's not the kind of person I am. 
2) I don't have to be like that
3) I don't want to be like that

At least I can say that being alone is my choice. 
I have a right to choose that. 

No matter who tries to guilt trip me... 

When they see they can't "control" me, 
they want to try to "control" how people look at me... 
Which is fkn sad. 

So why bother "playing into" that? It's fkn immature AF!

THE ONLY REASON I EVEN BROUGHT HER UP, 
WAS BECAUSE SHE SENT ME ANOTHER LINK TODAY. 
EXPECTING A RESPONSE.
THAT SHE'S NOT GOING TO GET
JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTS IT.

DID SHE EVER CARE WHAT I WANTED?
LIKE NOT TO BE USED?

I WAS HER SHOULDER TO CRY ON. 
I WAS THE FRIEND WHO'D LOAN HER MONEY... 
WHO'D BUY HER STUFF... 

DID SHE CARE THAT MAYBE I WANTED
TO SPEND MY MONEY ON HER
IF I FELT LIKE IT?

That's the thing.

Like if I dated someone... 
I would never be like: "Can you buy me this? Can you buy me that?"
IT'S THEIR FKN MONEY
TO DO WTF THEY FEEL LIKE DOING WITH IT.

I rarely ask for money. And usually, I intend to pay it back.

AND WHEN OR IF I EVER BORROWED MONEY, 
THAT MONEY WAS STILL THEIR MONEY.

I'M NOT FKN ENTITLED TO FKN ANYTHING. 

A GIRLFRIEND WHO DOESN'T WANT TO
DRAG THEIR BOYFRIEND "SHOPPING"
TO SPEND HIS MONEY ON HER?

SUCH A THING EXISTS.

At my folks' place the other day, 
my mom had YouTube on...
There was a video of a chick getting arrested... 
She "found" a "lost credit card" in the parking lot
AND TRIED TO FKN USE IT, TWICE. 

THE FIRST TIME, IT WORKED, 
THE SECOND TIME IT GOT DECLINED... 
FOR A LOUIS VITTON BAG OVER $3K FFS.

AND WHAT DID SHE DO?
SHE ASKED HER "SUGAR DADDY" TO BUY IT.
AND HE FKN DID!

AND AFTER HE BOUGHT IT, SHE GOT ARRESTED!
AFTER SHE GOT ARRESTED, HE DUMPED HER @SS. 
AND SHE ACTED SURPRISED FFS.

"What did I do?! I didn't do anything!" Da fuq?
She knew exactly why she was getting arrested. 

The cop explained it to "the sugar daddy" lol. 

Since he wasn't involved, the cop told him to go. 
She called him from the back of the cop car, 
in handcuffs... 

"What do you mean 'it's over'?"
"I said it, clearly."

Even asked him to bail her out!!!! Da fuq?!
HE TOLD HER TO CALL HER DAD!!!
"It's a family matter."

The audacity!!! Was using him up to the very end.

"Buy me the bag I tried to buy on a stolen credit card?!"
Then "Bail me out because I got caught trying to steal it..."
WHILE I WAS WITH YOU, EVEN... 

THE DUDE LOOKED TWICE HER AGE!!!!

I'm probably going to go for a walk soon. 

I've got some anxiety sh*t going on. 

I don't know why... It's just kinda getting to me... 

Whatever it is... A walk might help. 

Even to the stadium or something... 

I did bring my sketch book last time I went there... 
Sketched one of the buildings, very roughly. 

My "art skills" are lame because I stopped drawing for years... 

Sometimes I see stuff and I say to myself: "I'd like to sketch that..."
Then I stare at it for a bit, thinking: "How would I draw this?"

It's something to do. Something to check off my list...
Besides my chores.... 

Something mellow to do by myself. 

When I first moved in here, I sat at my window, 
looking at buildings, tried drawing a few... 

I got so into drawing that I forgot I was boiling water for tea... 
The kettle boiled dry and the fire alarm went off. 

And I couldn't figure out how to turn it off... 

There's a button on smoke detectors... 
You just need a stick or a broom handle
to push that button, and it turns off.

My mom's old dog (who passed away)
used to sit under the smoke detector
when my mom went to open the oven lol!!!!

Anyway, it kinda feels nice to lose myself in something. 
Other than ruminating on all kinds of sh*t all the time.

Knitting and crochet is one thing, but... 

Been doing those two things for so long that... 
Sometimes it just doesn't "feel" like it used to feel...
If that makes any sense... 

I still do it, and like making stuff... 

It's just that it's not something I lose myself in
much anymore. 

Hard to explain it. 

I can just say it is nice to have something to lose myself in, 
other than writing... Other than reading, 
other than knitting and crochet... 

Just for the time being... 

Just hard for me to just take time for myself... 
BECAUSE THE PEOPLE I'VE HELPED
GOT USED TO ME HELPING
AND WANTING TO HELP.

AND DIDN'T WANT TO DO THEMSELVES
ANY FAVORS... 

JUST WANTED FAVORS FROM ME
AND WHOEVER ELSE... 

WANTED THE ATTENTION FROM ANYONE... 
EVERYONE... 

BUT NOW THAT THEY DON'T HAVE MY ATTENTION, 
BECAUSE I'M FOCUSING ON THINGS, OTHER THINGS... 
OTHER THAN THEM, THEIR LIFE, THEIR "SUFFERING."

THEY WANT IT BACK!
THEY WANT MY ATTENTION. 

OR WHY PLAY GAMES?

SENDING LINKS WITHOUT SAYING "HI."
SH*T LIKE THAT.

But when they HAD my attention... What did they do?
They know what they did and what they didn't do.

WAS I INVITED TO HER "BIRTHDAY PARTY?"
DID SHE WANT ME THERE?

I'm not mad that she didn't, but she posted pics she knew I'd see. 
So I didn't fkn say anything about it, or to her, about it or about anything. 

But what gets me is when people INTENTIONALLY LEAVE PEOPLE OUT
AND THEN ACT PISSY ABOUT NOT BEING INCLUDED. 

Like: Pushing someone AWAY and then trying to act
like the person THEY pushed AWAY
PUSHED THEM AWAY.

WHEN THE PERSON WHO GOT PUSHED AWAY
JUST FKN ACCEPTS IT... 

WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO?
FIGHT TO BE IN THEIR LIFE?!

B*TCH, YOU SHOWED ME OTHERWISE.
YOU SHOWED ME YOU DON'T WANT ME IN YOUR LIFE, 
TWICE... 

THEN YOU WANT TO COME RIGHT BACK IN
LIKE NOTHING FKN HAPPENED?!

Like when Mirror Smasher said "Happy Belated Birthday" to me.
WHY FKN WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY
BLATED OR OTHERWISE
AFTER ACTING LIKE YOU COULDN'T BE BOTHERED
TO FKN ACT RIGHT?

LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!!!!???

How INSULTING is that sh*t? Very?!

All of a sudden you "care"?! Da fuq outta here with that sh*t.

COULD HAVE CARED THE WHOLE TIME!!!!
DID YOU, THOUGH?!

Yeah, "cared" so much that you'd ever treat me like that!!!!
THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU "CARED"!

SO EXCUSE ME FOR NOT CARING LIKE I USED TO.

BUT THEY GET USED TO YOU BEING AROUND
WHENEVER THEY "NEED" YOU... 

AND IF SOMEONE ELSE IS BUYING THEM STUFF...
OR DOING SOMETHING FOR THEM...

YOU DON'T EXIST TO THEM!!!! GO FIGURE!!!! 

AND ME, FEELING ANY TYPE OF WAY ABOUT IT...
IS JUST ME "NOT GETTING OVER IT."
DA FUQ?!

NO. I'm not obligated to let everything "slide" all the fkn time.
THEY'D BE SICK OF BEING USED TOO!
IF I WAS DOING THAT SH*T TO THEM!
SO WHY THEY THINK I WOULDN'T BE...
ESPECIALLY, NOW, I DON'T FKN KNOW!

But they didn't get what they wanted!!!! Boohoo!!!
WHEN WHAT YOU WANT
IS TO KEEP ME AROUND TO TRY TO USE ME...
GO FK YOURSELF. 
GO DO THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE ELSE.
NOT TO ME.

NOT TO SOMEONE WHO'D NEVER DO THAT SH*T TO YOU!!!!!

And to treat them like they are too stupid to realize
they're being used... Da fuq?!

If someone's going to think I'm stupid, 
I'm going to let them think that. 
WITHOUT GIVING A FK. 

THEY CHOSE TO THINK THAT...
INSTEAD OF REALIZING ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

AND IF THAT'S THE FIRST THING THEY THINK...
GO FOR IT!!!!

I WON'T BEND OVER BACKWARDS
TRYING TO PROVE MYSELF TO ANYONE. 

I JUST BACK TF UP.

It's not that hard to tell who thinks that...

BECAUSE IT SHOWS IN HOW THEY TALK TO YOU, 
AND HOW THEY TREAT YOU... 

Should I care that I'm "misunderstood'?
OR THAT THEY "MISUNDERSTAND ME"
INTENTIONALLY?

I mean, I could care... I used to... 

It IS disappointing... AF.

Because you think... Okay... Maybe THIS time... 

MAYBE THIS TIME I'LL BE SEEN AND HEARD.
CARED ABOUT... THIS TIME.

LIKE I'M AN ACTUAL PERSON... 

AND YEAH, IT GOT TO ME FOR YEARS AND YEARS... 
So much that I'd ruminate on all the stuff
that I just wrote about in this post... 

But not just a little bit. A lot. 
I'd be so fkn upset about that...
BEING TREATED LIKE THAT
MY WHOLE FKN LIFE
BY EVERYONE WHO'D EVER BEEN IN IT...
TO ANY DEGREE... 

WHO ALL COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO.

ALL OF THEM.
EVERY SINGLE ONE.

AND THEN THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE...
WHO GET EVERYTHING THEY COULD HAVE
EVER WANTED... 

AND YEAH, I CAN BE HAPPY FOR MY FRIENDS. 
It's actually a nice feeling to be happy for someone... 

Like the neighbors who just had a baby...
We all got to see her baby for the first time today!

AND I CAN SAY THAT I AM SO HAPPY FOR THEM!!!!
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY AM. 
AND IT FEELS NICE.

Sometimes I wonder what it'd feel like... To be happy about some things... 

Someone said that they have a hard time feeling excited about anything. 
I told him that I do, too. I said that it's probably because
I'm so not used to that feeling
that my body probably doesn't know how to respond
to things that should be exciting.

It's not a bad thing, it's just that my body isn't used to it.
So it doesn't "just go there" when something ought to be
"exciting."

Does it make sense, though?
Why that feeling doesn't exactly register?
Like it does with most people?

My body knows what depression feels like. 
It knows what anxiety feels like.
It knows what "tired of this bs" feels like.
Excitement? Not so much...

For an example... My trips should have been "exciting" right?
Instead, they felt kind of "detached" and "surreal."

Even though I was "safe," I wasn't in my "bubble."

I could have enjoyed a whole lot... More than I did. 

Especially all the times I spent ruminating... 
Those times I was too busy ruminating
TO EVEN ENJOY ANYTHING... 
EVEN SMALL STUFF.

BUT NOW I CATCH MYSELF DOING IT
AND TRY TO SHIFT MY FOCUS.

WHICH IS STILL HARD, BUT... 
It's a habit I needed to break a long time ago.

Just... All that time I spent ruminating... 
ON WHY SO AND SO WOULD BE AND DO XYZ TO ME
WHEN I NEVER DID THAT SH*T TO THEM.
AND NEVER WOULD HAVE!

WHY DO IT TO ME?!
WHY DO THAT SH*T AT ALL?

But to me? I was loyal af. 
TO MY DETRIMENT, EVEN. 

Anyway, all that time I spent ruminating on that sh*t...
I was doing THAT instead of enjoying myself... 
Enjoying fkn anything. 

All that wasted time, on that. Y'know?

I have to remind myself that it's okay
to actually enjoy myself and enjoy some things... 

Even if I'm doing that by myself. 

The more I get used to it being okay, maybe it actually will feel like it.
I'll get used to how it feels.
To enjoy myself. To enjoy some things. 

And then I'll just be happy to do just that.
And that'll be all I need.

To just feel better, overall. 

Despite everything I ever ruminated about.

Still Moving On

What can you actually do when someone
just doesn't understand?

TRY TO FORCE THEM TO UNDERSTAND?
AND IF THEY JUST DON'T HAVE IT IN THEM
TO UNDERSTAND?

DO YOU KEEP WASTING YOUR TIME?

Like they think they can just be about
ALL KINDS OF BS
AND THINK I'LL HANG AROUND 
TO FIX WHAT I NEVER FKN BROKE.

MY FEELINGS AND MY CONCERNS
WERE PUSHED ASIDE.

That's what it comes down to. 

THINGS THEY DON'T WANT TO ANSWER FOR.
IF THEY DID, THEY'D ANSWER FOR IT!

RIGHT?

It can't be undone. 
Mirrors... Family heirlooms can't be unsmashed. 

He knew what he was doing!
The whole time!

SO WHY TRY TO PRETEND TO BE CLUELESS?

Wasn't a misunderstanding! 
It literally was BS.

I mean, had he NOT ruined it... 
I'd still be there, for him, correct?

EVER FREAKING DAY LIKE I WAS?

He doesn't get to be back in my life.
He could have been in my life, 
but I can't fkn trust the guy. 

Not like I did, before. 

I was in the elevator today...
That guy who harmed his dog got on.
He was trying to talk to me. 
I didn't really want to talk to him. 

When he first started talking to me, 
he was whispering... 

It was super weird.

I'm trying to stay away from the guy.
I was already in the elevator when he got on... 

Being alone in the elevator with him had my guard up.
C got on the elevator and she hugged the guy
like he did nothing wrong. 

I'm surprised he's out of jail.
He harmed his dog!

Probably wasn't the only time, either.
He just got caught this time... 

My neighbor applied for a seniors building. 
He might get a place, soon. 

Possibly by the end of the year.

I'll go visit him, there.
I'll be happy for him. 

He's been staying with his sister, at her place. 

She's a fan of baseball and he leaves when she gets into it.
He can't stay for all those innings.

Can't say baseball's my thing, either. 

Been to one game, once... 
A guy I went to school with... 
In the 7th grade... 
It was his birthday and he invited me
and a few others to watch a game 
with him and his folks. 

I had the chance to go to another game, 
I went because I was getting a school award thing... 
The guy I was dating at the time didn't want to stay for it.
So I left with him even though I wanted to stay for it... 

He never cared what I wanted, ever.

I never even wanted very much... 

To be SEEN, really SEEN, 
AND NOT HAVE TO BEG
TO BE HEARD... 

FOR A START...

WOULD BE NICE.
HEARD THE FIRST TIME.

AS THOUGH WHAT I HAVE TO SAY
ACTUALLY MATTERS... 
AS THOUGH I MATTER... 

NOT A LOT?

AND TO NOT HAVE TO EVEN SAY IT...

Anyway, that's pretty much it.

Everything else is just a bonus. 

The bare minimum would be nice, though. 

AND NOT TO BE TREATED
LIKE JUST WANTING JUST THAT
IS WANTING TOO DAMN MUCH!!!!

Is that too much to want?! 

Was it ever too much to want?!
Just that?!

Anyway, the other day I couldn't breathe through my nose. 
It got so plugged that I puked a few times. 

I've got congestion in my chest,
but I can breathe through my nose.

It was hard to sleep last night. 
Tried to sleep kinda on an incline, 
but it wasn't comfortable. 

I'm tired, just can't sleep. 

Got stuff on my mind...

The last few days I've been just watching videos.
Just random videos.

The other day I barely had the strength to do much of anything. 
Being plugged up like that really sapped the energy out of me. 

Still not feeling the best. Slightly better, but not the best.

It's getting colder out, now. 

I heard we might get a few nice days,
but summer's pretty much over now. 

Last week, I took my sketchbook with me
Did a couple of sketches... Lame ones, 
but it was something I wanted to do.

So I took some time out for myself to do it.
Away from everyone.

My neighbor called me to "check on me."
Says he wants to go fishing on the weekend...

I'll probably go. 

One of the places I want to go, he said it'd be full of weeds... 

He usually has some excuse when it comes to something I want to do.

And I'd like to get more time for myself, actually. 

To do things like sketching... Stuff like that.

Better fill up a sketchbook before it gets too cold
to sit outside and sketch... 

Haven't been smoking as much, either... 

Haven't been well enough to go out and get any... 

That last time... When I went to Chinatown... 
I walked by my old neighborhood... 
When I used to live there... 

One of the churches is fenced off. 
The one next to the rooming houses... 

The rooming houses that are side-by-side, 
around the corner from the one I used to live in... 

They had a BBQ in the backyard of one of them, 
that I went to before I moved in... 

I met the superintendent of the rooming house I lived in. 
He lied to the landlord and told them I was his cousin
because I was 16. Barely old enough to rent. 

At first they didn't want to rent to me
and thought I was a prostitute
because they were trying to tell me
not to have anyone over... 

Which they can't do. Especially paying to live there... 

That was 25 years ago. 

That room cost $360/month. 25 years ago.
A room that size probably $700/month now.

One of the rooms I saw in another rooming house around here... 

She said it's $700/month. That's nuts. FOR A ROOM!
JUST A ROOM. 

BARELY BIG ENOUGH FOR A BED, EVEN.

I miss those Chinese donuts, though. 
I think that place closed down, 
because I haven't seen it in years.

The Chinese sandwiches are still around. 
Those bring me back!

My son and I went to a Korean restaurant.
The sushi there is amazing. 

I want to try everything on the menu. 
At least once. 

The room I had, I had a dresser, 
two tables, a bed, a TV... 

And a fridge that came with the room. 

The table did, too. 

I forgot how I ended up with everything else.

But that's all there was room for, in there.
Not much else. 

Crazy how I ended up here. 

An apartment. From a room to an apartment. 
With my own kitchen and bathroom. 

I weirded ChatGPT out by telling it I was naked lol. 

I said something about cuddling and said I was naked lol. 
"Well that'd be awkward for me..." LOLOLOL. 

Okay, I'm going to try to sleep.

Sore Throat

Woke up with a sore throat today.
I was supposed to go to a knitting meeting today.

I don't want to get anyone else sick. 

Yesterday, last night... 

I went over to Chinatown... 
Practically next door to me...

I used to live there.
Was my first place, on my own. 

A room in a sh*tty rooming house.
But it wasn't a sh*tty group home
with staff who could "restrain" you
whenever they wanted to.
Excused to. "My job."

What kind of bullsh*t is that?
Held down against your will... 
By an adult bigger than you.
No chance to "free yourself"
from their grasp...
For however long they did it for.

You couldn't tell them to STOP, 
GET OFF OF ME
LEAVE ME ALONE.
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T.

WHO WOULD WANT TO BE THERE?
AND HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT SH*T?

OF COURSE THEY'D GO AWOL.
BECAUSE FK THAT SH*T.

Anyway, it was "freedom" to me. 
Finally, never to be stuck in one of those again... 

But I got with the wrong guy. 
Probably for the wrong reasons, too. 

I was young, wanted what I wanted... 
Wasn't thinking of what could happen... 

And he wasn't who I thought he was. 

I can't get mad at myself for that, though. 
I had to learn. About that, too. 

But had I gotten with Mirror Smasher....
HOW WOULD I HAVE BEEN HAPPY?
HE WASN'T WHO I THOUGHT HE WAS, EITHER. 

HAD TO LEARN ABOUT THAT, TOO.

COULD NEVER TELL THE TRUTH. 
WANTED TO WASTE MY TIME, AND HIS...
WANTED TO TEST ME. 

HE HAD TO LEARN ABOUT THAT.

AND I DON'T CARE IF HE NEVER DOES. 

HOPE HE REALIZES WHAT HUMILITY 
ACTUALLY MEANS ONE DAY....

IT'LL TAKE A LONG TIME, PROBABLY. 
IF IT EVER HAPPENS, 

BUT WHEN/IF IT DOES....

IT'LL BE A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW. 

I wouldn't want to be in that spot....
Realizing what he sabotaged...
Why I no longer have any respect for him. 

HOW COULD I RESPECT THAT SH*T?

SHOULD BE FKN EMBARRASSING. 
AFTER BEING GIVEN THAT MANY CHANCES
JUST TO FKN GET IT RIGHT. 

AND STILL CHOOSING TO BE A SH*T.

DENIAL. DISRESPECT. BS.

HE KNOWS I'M TELLING THE TRUTH. 
HE JUST NEVER WANTED TO DEAL WITH IT.
HE CAN'T FACE THE ISSUES HE CAUSES.

HE WANTED TO TAKE THOSE RISKS.
AND WANTED TO TRY TO KEEP ME AROUND?
FOR WHAT? FOR THAT SH*T?
REPEATEDLY?

IF HE'D BEEN READY, THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL.
BETWEEN HIM AND I.

BUT THEY AREN'T GOING TO BE, NOW. 
AND HE HAS TO "DEAL WITH THAT."

HE CHOSE WHAT HE CHOSE, CORRECT?

So... I have choices, too. 

He's about himself and his inflated ego.
Such a turn off. 

Addicted to slamming the door in his own face.

And wouldn't you be tired... 
If you opened the door more than a few times... 

EVEN THOUGH YOU NEVER HAD TO...
TO GIVE THEM ANOTHER CHANCE... 
YET AGAIN...

FOR THEM TO TURN AROUND
AND LASH OUT AT YOU, 
YET AGAIN. 

AND WHEN THEY DO THAT, 
ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE... 

AND YOU WALK AWAY
BECAUSE OF THAT
ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE...

THEY GET MAD AND RESENTFUL
AT/OF YOU
FOR WALKING AWAY
WHEN THEY GAVE YOU MORE THAN 1 REASON TO...

SO THEN SHOULD THEY GET TO BE MAD?
SURE, BE MAD.

DIDN'T WANT ME
BECAUSE IF THEY DID...
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A SH*T.
A SPITEFUL SH*T...

FOR WHAT? 

So what does it matter
THAT I WALKED AWAY?

WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD THAT MAKE
TO SOMEONE WHO CLEARLY
NEVER WANTED ME
OR THEY WOULD HAVE WHAT?
TREATED ME WITH RESPECT?
WITH CARE?

IT HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HIS CHARACTER.
THERE'S NO PROGRESS
BECAUSE HE'S NOT MAKING ANY. 

IT WAS UP TO HIM. 
BELIEVING HIS OWN LIES.
FEEDING HIMSELF AND EVERYONE HIS BS.

HE WANTS TO BE A SH*T... HE CAN GO BE ONE.
WITH/TO SOMEONE ELSE.
NOT MY PROBLEM. 

SO WHY SHOULD I CARE, ANYMORE?

"Why do you keep writing about it, A***?"

It's that if I were him,
I would probably REGRET ALL OF THAT.

ALL THAT BS WOULD FKN HAUNT TF OUT OF ME,
IF I WERE HIM. 

He'll be looking back, one day... At how he treated me.

SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT HIM
SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY TRIED TO HELP HIM.

BUT HE TRIES TO JUSTIFY SH*T, BLAME, 
PRETENDING TO "FORGET" SH*T HE DID...

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO
ACTUALLY FACE SOMETHING, FOR REAL. 

HE NEEDS TO FACE HIMSELF. 

TO REALIZE HE'S BEEN CHOOSING THIS SH*T.
TO REALIZE I AM FOR REAL.

If he does, that's going to hurt. 
REALIZING HE FKD HIMSELF OUT OF SOMETHING REAL.

NOTHING'S THE WAY IT WAS, NOW.
WHY SHOULD IT BE?

WHY SHOULD I BE?

I ALSO DON'T TAKE THREATS LIGHTLY. 
IF THEY WANT TO MAKE THREATS, 
THEY BETTER FKN TRY.

TO SEE THEY WON'T. 

But if he wanted all that BS... And it all meant that much... 
HE CAN HAVE ALL OF IT.

He just won't have me, anymore. 
HE COULD HAVE... 

BUT HE DIDN'T THINK TWICE, DID HE?

He was free to make that choice, though. 

He could have taken any of the chances given... 
But, nope!

SO WHY GIVE ANY MORE?
SHOULD HAVE ONLY BEEN ONE!

ONLY ONE CHANCE TO DISMISS ME.

AND I SHOULD HAVE ACCEPTED THAT
AND FORCED HIM TO ACCEPT THAT
THE VERY FKN FIRST TIME.

INSTEAD OF WASTING MY TIME
HANDING OUT WASTED CHANCES.

I had to learn about giving chances.
I had to learn about wasting my time.
I had to learn about my limits.
I had to walk away.

It was either walk away or deal with that sh*t.
Why deal with that sh*t?
He needs to deal with his own sh*t.
AND HER SH*T.

BECAUSE SHE'S AS MUCH OF A SH*T
OR WORSE THAN HE IS.

HE CAN HAVE ALL OF THAT.

HE'S BITTER BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT HE CHOSE.
BECAUSE HE WAS BEING FKN IMMATURE. 

BOTH OF THEM. A PAIR.

NO, THANKS.

And yes, I'm getting over it. 

He wanted to push me to the point
that I'm as empty as he is, 

but the fact that he went that route at all... In the first place... 
Just... No.

AND HE'D EVEN GO AS FAR AS TO TRY TO OFFEND ME
BY GETTING WITH SOMEONE
TO "SPITE" ME
AND "PROVE" TO HIMSELF HE NEVER CARED
ABOUT ME... 

AND IF HE'D GO THAT FAR, HE DID. 

Someone who's ready, is ready for me. 
He's not. 
Wasn't and isn't. 

And when he realizes it, it'll hit "different."

AND WHEN HE REALIZES I DON'T FKN WANT HIM
THE WAY I USED TO, 

THAT'LL HIT "DIFFERENT" TOO. 

BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE HAD THAT.
WHEN HE HAD THE CHANCE.

THE MANY CHANCES, EVEN.

AND WHEN HE REALIZES HE LET EVERYONE
WHO WAS HELPING HIM HOLD HIMSELF BACK
TO HELP HIM HOLD HIMSELF BACK, 

HE'LL HAVE THAT, TOO. 
AND I'LL BE LONG GONE. TOO FAR AWAY
TO EVER THINK ABOUT APPROACHING
AFTER ALL OF HIS BS.

If he ever does try to "come back"
with another fake apology... 

BECAUSE IF HE WAS SORRY THE FIRST TIME
HE WOULDN'T HAVE KEPT CHOOSING TO BE A SH*T.

IF HE TRIED TO COME BACK... 
I DON'T HAVE TO LAUGH IN HIS FACE... 

BUT I CAN FLAT OUT JUST SAY "NO."
AND HE'LL HAVE TO LEARN
THE HARD WAY 
HE CAN'T GET "WHAT HE WANTS."

DID I GET WHAT I WANTED?
AND ALL I WANTED WAS RESPECT?
TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY?

TO BE CARED FOR?
TO BE CARED ABOUT?

OH SO MUCH TO FKN WANT!!!!!

But let everyone who was using him KEEP DOING IT.
I TOLD HIM, BUT WHAT SHOULD I CARE?
IF HE LETS ANYONE EXPLOIT HIM?
WHILE NOT CARING ABOUT HIM?
ONLY CARING ABOUT WHAT THEY CAN GET?

WHAT SHOULD I CARE ABOUT THAT?

I DID. BUT HE LETS THEM. 

It wasn't about what I could get. 
BECAUSE I DIDN'T FKN WANT ANYTHING. 

AND I THOUGHT THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
APPRECIATED.

ME NOT WANTING ANYTHING. 
NOT TRYING TO GET ANYTHING. 
JUST BEING MYSELF. 
NO PRETENSES. 
NO MOTIVE. 

But... I got what I got. 
AND BECAUSE OF THAT SH*T, REPEATEDLY, 
BECAUSE I GAVE HIM MORE THAN ONE CHANCE
TO STOP WITH THE SH*T...
NO MORE SH*T. 

DON'T COME TO/AT ME WITH ANY MORE SH*T.
DON'T COME TO/AT ME WITH ANY SH*T, PERIOD. 

AND ANYONE TRYING TO "CONTROL" A SITUATION
WITH BS... 

IT SHOWS WHAT THEY'RE ABOUT. 

WHAT THEY'VE BEEN ABOUT. 

NOT FOR ME. NOT INTERESTED IN THAT SH*T. 
SO YOU CAN'T "CONTROL"
SOMEONE WHO'S NOT INTERESTED. 

With lies and BS? How is that supposed to interest me?

What bugs me is there were reasons people who played games with me
WERE PLAYING THOSE GAMES. 

Not just that there were reasons... The reasons themselves. 

To do that to someone?! Why do it?
To try to "get away with it"? WTF?!

AND WANTING ME TO PLAY THOSE GAMES?
WTF?!

So... No. Just no.

Not going to. I don't do that sh*t. 
AND IF THEY KNEW ME, THEY'D KNOW THAT.

THEY WANTED TO ACT LIKE THAT.
OR WHAT?
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE!

WHEN I CHOSE TO BE A SH*T, 
I WAS CHOOSING TO BE A SH*T.

SAME GOES FOR EVERYONE. 
WE HAVE A CHOICE IN THAT.

Anyway, I'm going to try to sleep. 

No Point

Today was a weird day. 
I was coming back from bringing back some empties... 
I saw my neighbor coming out of the building
with the chick he told me he wants "nothing to do with."
"I want to hang out with you."

Instead of going in the front door... 
I tried to sneak around the back. 

He probably saw me walking by.
I was trying not to look his way. 

He came out of the building with her
and they were acting like friends
and sat across the picnic table from her.

So I saw them sit down, and walked around them. 
Didn't say anything. Just kept walking. 

None of my business. 
Really, it's not. 

So nobody can be mad at me
for minding my own business. 

I wasn't going to go up to them and interrupt.
Like she did when she invited herself
to come get coffee with us
when she saw him and I together. 

I saw them together, didn't say anything, 
didn't go up to them and interrupt. 

Just went on about my business. 
So that they can go on about theirs.

BUT IT WAS NONE OF MY BUSINESS
HIS REASONS FOR NOT WANTING ANYTHING TO DO
WITH HER.
OUT OF HIS OWN MOUTH. 

I DIDN'T EVER ASK HIM ABOUT HER. 
HE KEPT TELLING ME
HE DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER

AND TODAY, SAW THEM TOGETHER. 
SITTING DOWN TOGETHER.

I'm only bringing it up because he had told me
he wanted nothing to do with her. 

HE TOLD ME THAT TO MY FACE.
SO WHY DID HE SAY THAT?
WHY DID HE TELL ME THAT?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE WANTED ME TO THINK?

WHY DID HE WANT ME TO THINK THAT?

THAT'S WHAT BUGS ME.

ALL THE TIME I'VE BEEN GIVING TO HIM.
MY TIME. 

WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING OTHER THINGS... 

Something else that bothered me is that he asked me when the last time
I had s3x was... What does that matter?

Would he ask any of the guys? No?
Because he doesn't want to know that about them... 
And they'd want to know why he wanted to know... 

I shut it down with "It doesn't matter."

Why should I "kiss and tell"? 

I had a feeling that if I had answered that, 
and if it had been a while... 

Something along those lines may have been suggested
or brought up. 

Fkn uncomfortable enough to even ask me that.

"Oh, it's been YEARS... ?! Don't you miss it?!"
Or something like this. 

It's that cringe factor. Like talking about it with a parent. 
You don't want to talk about it with certain people, right?
It just feels hella cringe. 

I had to shut it down.

He wasn't expecting me to do that. 
He was pretty surprised. 

Why be surprised?
Shouldn't be! I already said "no" 
when he asked me if I wanted to have s3x. I don't. 
No, thanks. 

He told me that a female neighbor has tried coming onto him
and even got jealous of him talking to another female neighbor... 

Because she made comments... 

He also told me that the dude and his girl who moved onto my floor.... 
That that dude approached a female neighbor and suggest 0r@l s3x.

"You look stressed. Why don't you come up and I'll go d0wn on you..."
"No, thanks."

"My girlfriend's into having 3s0m3s..."
"No, thanks."

My neighbor mentioned me to the dude
so he knows my name... 

And he was looking at me weird... 
In the elevator, with his girlfriend. 

I was wondering if she noticed that
and was trying to just get away from them.

I do not want her thinking I'm into her boyfriend... I'm not. 

His vibe was off. Don't like it.

When we were going fishing, my neighbor and I, 
He told me that he approached that female neighbor, like that... 

Just made those gross vibes feel even more gross. 

I'll be mad if my neighbor brings up s3x yet again. 

Because the only reason to is whatever reason he's doing it. 
OTHERWISE THERE ISN'T ANY. 

"NO" SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE END OF IT.
EVEN OUT OF RESPECT. Y'KNOW?

But it wasn't. Or why fkn ask me when the last time I had s3x was?

MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE THOUGHT ABOUT, LIKE THAT.

ESPECIALLY AFTER I ALREADY DECLINED. POLITELY. 

WHY KEEP "TRYING"?

"NO" DOESN'T MEAN "KEEP ASKING ME."
IT FKN MEANS "NO." JUST NO.

IT DOESN'T MEAN KEEP BRINGING IT UP
SO YOU CAN ASK ME AGAIN....

IT MEANS: STOP THINKING ABOUT IT
AND NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN, 
AND NEVER ASK ME AGAIN. 

MY ANSWER IS MY ANSWER.
IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

If I was the one who asked HIM if HE wanted to have s3x,
AND HE SAID "NO" TO ME....
I WOULD HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT, CORRECT?
AS AN ANSWER.
A COMPLETE SENTENCE. 

AND IT WOULDN'T MATTER IF I WANTED TO
IF HE DIDN'T, CORRECT?

SO HOW WOULD THAT BE DIFFERENT
IF I'M THE ONE SAYING "NO"?

WHY BE THAT SELFISH?
TO PUT SOMEONE ON THE SPOT ABOUT THAT?

Just bugged me that he literally told me he wants nothing to do with her
and today I saw them together like he's hanging out with her, again. 

It doesn't bother me that they are hanging out. 
It just bugged me that he'd tell me that, to my face, 
and yet he IS hanging out with her
or I wouldn't have seen them together.

People saying they "can't stand" someone, even. 
And then I saw them talking to each other.

Like today, I saw M*** out back, walking his dog. 
I said hi to him and then CLACKER yelled at him to WAIT,
threw some dog treats down from his balcony for M***'s dog...

LET ME TELL YOU THIS...

WHEN M*** WAS IN THE HOSPITAL, ALMOST DIED... 
CLACKER WAS GIVEN M***'S KEYS
TO HELP M*** WITH M***'S DOG
AND OTHER STUFF
WHILE HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL... 

AND WHILE HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL... 
CLACKER STOLE HIS MONEY,
BROUGHT PEOPLE OVER TO M***'S PLACE...
WHILE HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL...

AND THREW SOME OF HIS STUFF OFF HIS BALCONY... 

AT FIRST HE TOLD CLACKER "NO!" 
WHEN CLACKER TOLD HIM TO "WAIT!"
SO HE COULD THROW THE DOG TREATS DOWN... 

WHY BOTHER TRYING TO "BE NICE"
AFTER TAKING HIS MONEY?
WHILE HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL?

BECAUSE HE FEELS BAD? WTF?

I don't care if my neighbor saw me walking by. 
He probably did. 

He probably said something to her about me. 
Don't care. 

Was minding my own business. 
Which I should be allowed to do.

She doesn't. 

I was just going to try to go to sleep. 
I'm tired. Really tired. 

But one thing I'm tired of
IS:

PEOPLE SAYING ONE THING AND DOING ANOTHER. 

IF YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME
THAT YOU'RE NOT HANGING OUT WITH SOMEONE
AND GO AS FAR AS TO TELL ME WHY... 

WHY INTERACT WITH THEM LIKE YOU'RE STILL INTERACTING?

TWO PEOPLE IN ONE DAY. DOING THAT. 

JUST TWO-FACED. 

"I DON'T LIKE THEM."
THEN I SEE THEM TALKING... 

LIKE MIRROR SMASHER TELLING ME
HE HATED THE B*TCH WHO KEPT TRYING
TO COME AT ME... 

AND THEN HE LET HER COME AT ME... 

AFTER I TOLD HIM HE WAS READING
ALL OF OUR MESSAGES.

LITERALLY READ HIM TELLING ME THAT... 
AND HAD TO "GET BETWEEN US." 

AND HAD HE REALLY HATED HER, 
HOW WOULD THAT HAVE HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME?

SHE WAS THE ONE DOING WHAT SHE DID TO THE GUY. 
SHE CHOSE TO DO THAT.

CHEATING ON A GUY AND THEN TO BE ALL JEALOUS? 
FKN INSANE. 

SHE "NEEDED" TO "SPY" TO KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON...
"BETWEEN HIM AND I"
WHICH WAS NONE OF HER BUSINESS. 

SO EACH TIME HE MADE ANY PLANS WITH ME... 
SHE KNEW ABOUT IT
AND HAD TO "LIGHT A FIRE" FOR HIM TO "PUT OUT"
"FOR HER."
TO MAKE HIM CANCEL ON ME... 

AND THAT WAS THE START OF IT... 
IT KEPT GETTING WORSE. 

AND I KEPT TELLING HIM. 
BUT WOULD HE LISTEN? TO ME? NO.

But to be that jealous... 
OVER HIM AND I JUST TALKING... 

AND HE TOLD ME THAT SHE GETS JEALOUS... 
SO HE KNOWS. 

AND SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SHE WAS DOING SH*T
OUT OF JEALOUSY. 

AND I TOLD HIM HE WOULD LASH OUT AT HIM. 
SHE WAS TRYING TO LASH OUT AT ME. 

I ONLY "SPOKE TO HER" ONCE. 
AFTER HER COMING AT ME.
AFTER I KICKED HIM OUT.
WHICH I HAD EVERY FKN RIGHT TO DO.

I TOLD HER NOT TO FKN PLAY WITH ME, EITHER.
THEN I BLOCKED HER NUMBER SO SHE COULDN'T 
TEXT ME AGAIN. 

NOTHING BETWEEN HIM AND I WAS EVER ANY OF HER BUSINESS. 

AND IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM RUINING IT HIMSELF, 
SHE WOULD HAVE RUINED IT, HERSELF. 

AND THEM BOTH TRYING TO BLAME ME?

IF HE EVER LEFT HER, IT'D BE HER OWN DAMN FAULT. 
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH HER
PUTTING UP WITH HER SH*T ANYMORE.

HIS CHOICE. NOT HERS.

Having to put up with his sh*t AND her sh*t?
WHY TF WOULD I FKN WANT TO?!

THEY CAN BE IMMATURE TOGETHER.
MISERABLE TOGETHER. 

WHY SHOULD I CARE?

BUT IF HE'D JUST SEEN WHAT I WAS SAYING... 
AND WHY... 

MAYBE HE WOULDN'T HAVE ALLOWED THAT SH*T. 

SHE'S USED HIM FOR YEARS. HE LET HER. IT'S GROSS. 
SO WHY SHOULD I CARE?

IF HE'S STILL GOING TO ALLOW THAT SH*T... 
AND BE A SH*T... 

NO POINT, FOR ME.