The First Day

So I was on time to the kitchen today. I left early and got there early.
I wasn't late. It wasn't the worst but didn't end on a high note. Not really.

When I got there, I didn't know what to do. So it was a lot of just waiting
to be told what to do which didn't feel good.

Chef got me to stir a culdron of onions with a big paddle thing.
I was like an oar thing. He kept adding stuff to it.
I'd stop stirring temporarily when he added stuff, and he was like: "Stir!"
Then he added water to it and I got to stop stiring it.
Then I poured a bunch of bbq sauces into a bowl.
Then they set me up to make sandwiches for the rest of the shift.

A couple of guys and I were working in the back.
One a volunteer and another guy will be in the program with me.
They were both nice. One had breakfast with me
and one sat with the chefs' at their table.

The volunteer guy is married and just got married like 4 months ago.
He asked me if I was married. I held back my reaction
because I have had a similar reaction to that for a long time.
I have a harder time regulating my emotions when I'm really tired.
And I didn't sleep all night.
I know it's not a big deal that I'm not married...
But I held it back as best as I could.

Anyway, I made a lot of sandwiches. I wasn't counting,
but I went through like 10 loafs of bread. I also wrapped them.
Then got a label for the bus pans and put them in the big fridge.

The guys were filling dixie cup things with horseradish
and sour cream. One was on horseradish, the other on sour cream.

Anyway, when it came to have breakfast, we all ate.
Then someone asked me if I wanted more fritata.
Because they were going to throw it out, I asked if I could take it.
So they put it in a container for me. And I put it in my station.
When it came time to go, Chef called me into his office
and he said that I can come back for the program
because it went well. Which was awesome.

I got ready to go and I left, but I remembered that I forgot my container.
So I went back to get it. Then Chef came out of his office
and called me back upstairs as I was leaving again.
"What do you have there?" So I said it was the left over fritata
that was going to be thrown out.
"Who said you could take that?" I didn't know his name.
"Show me who told you that you could take that."
He wasn't there anymore. So it looked like I wasn't telling the truth.
His assistant spoke up for me, saying that a volunteer did.
"From now on, nothing leaves this kitchen unless you ask me,
or if you ask D*****." So I apologized and said I didn't know.
"It's okay, you didn't know." So I just left right away.

But when he was all like questioning me, everyone was looking at me
like I committed some heinous crime for taking something
that was going to go in the garbage. Sure, let's just waste food...
Sure, I'm such a horrible person for starving...
Sure, I broke a rule nobody f*cking told me about.
Rules you don't tell anyone about... They can't be expected to be kept.

Anyway, it was f*cking embarrassing. It didn't feel good.
I guess I'm still in the program, but I feel like I have to walk on eggshells
around Chef from now on. Let's not break any more rules
that I didn't even know existed.

I got my ticket for the trip and I feel like I have to protect the rest.
Because there isn't much left now. At all. And I leave next week....
I did tell D***** that I am going out of town.
I will have to remind him. I mean, I may not even miss much.
I'm leaving late and coming back late.

But... It didn't make me feel good to be thought of as a thief and a liar.
Even for a moment or have all those judging eyes on me.
Or even needing the food in the first place....

When I volunteer on Tuesdays, Chef isn't there. He leaves after lunch
and I start after lunch. To get ready for the dinner shift.
And after dinner, the left overs get thrown out
and they tell me I can take some with me so I did. For like months.
And it lasts me a few days.... It helps me. A lot.
So I didn't think anything of it. I thought it was okay.

Since he told me that I got in before this,
I guess he didn't want to go back on his word,
had it been before, it might have screwed up my chance to get in.

This program in 5 months long. 5 months of feeling like sh*t
for breaking a rule I didn't even know was a rule.
Feeling like sh*t because all that food getting thrown out
when I'm literally starving.... It sucks.
Doing all that work, not even getting paid in food...
I am getting paid in experience, though.

I guess we'll see how it goes. I can't be late and I cannot f*ck up.
He had even said, "Do the BEST you can." Before I left the first time...

So now I go back on Monday, with all those eyes on me...
With Chef watching me like a hawk...
Still feeling like crap until I get over it.
He didn't yell at me, but he was restraining himself.
He was disappointed. I know this.
It wasn't like I intentionally disappointed him.
I showed up an hour early. I didn't want to let him down by being late.
I stayed up all night just to make sure I was there on time.

I might talk to B**** about what happened. I trust it not to get back to Chef.
And he might have some advice for me about how to like smooth it over.

I talked to P**** a bit, because I was losing weight, but it got around.
So I know I have to be careful who I talk to in there.

It kind of made me feel like "What did I get myself into?
Did I make the right choice?" "What now?"

I wish he had called me into his office to talk to me. Privately.
Instead of out in the open and have everyone looking at me like that.

Like it's a shelter. One I used to eat at when I was homeless.
They give away food every day. It was going to go into the garbage.
Someone said it was okay to take it. But it wasn't Chef....

So that's how my first day went...