Been feeling very restless lately.
Not sure if it's because I have a lot of work to do with this project,
or if it's because I'm nearing the end of this book.
Well by nearing the end... I have 8 chapters to go.
I have a bunch of books to read and haven't decided on the next one, yet.
When I get the library paid off, I can start borrowing books again.
I saw a couple of them I want to take out.
But knowing they are there is a nice feeling.
They aren't going anywhere unless someone takes them out.
Even then, they'll be returned, hopefully.
I saw one I had wanted to buy, but don't have the money for it.
Plus, I have many books I need to read
before I can even think about acquiring more.
Kind of like how I have so much wool to use that I have to use it
before I think about acquiring more.
Besides, more is less. Unless it's knowledge or wisdom. Or strength.
There's a story, a lesson in this section.
About a boy who looked forward to going to school.
In the first grade, the teacher says: "We're going to have an art lesson."
He starts thinking about all the modes of art,
then the teacher says: "We're going to draw."
So he thinks about all the things he could draw.
Then the teacher says: "We are going to draw flowers."
So he thinks about all the kinds of flowers he could draw.
Then the teacher says: "We are going to draw red tulips."
The next year, in the second grade, he has a new class and a new teacher.
The teacher says: "We're going to have an art lesson."
Then the teacher says: "You can do whatever art you want to do."
He thinks about it and draws a red tulip.
We start out with all kinds of potential and possibilities,
but the more we have our creativity channeled for us,
the more we lose it and we end up marginalizing ourselves.
The second teacher didn't say: "Draw a red tulip."
The first teacher did. We are the second teacher.
We are the ones who can give us free reign to design,
to explore and to experiment, but the first teacher (society)
tells us how we are supposed to operate.
Tells us what it expects. Tells us that we are drawers of flowers,
specifically red tulips.
So the next year, that's what we choose to be.
Because that's what we're told that we are.
It kind of reminds me of carving. Something I haven't done in a long time.
I used to carve with soapstone. It's soft and easy to carve.
It's filed down and warn away. It's not like carving with wood.
Wood has to be chipped. Soapstone isn't like that.
It's like society wears on us, wears us down.
Files us down, tries to smooth us out.
Tells us that we don't need the things that keep us sharp.
Because anything sharp can be cutting.
"Education for creative people begins
when they leave school." - Gay Hendricks.
I knew someone who used to get jealous of me for being creative,
for having my artistic pursuits.
He wanted to be creative, too, but he wasn't allowing himself to be.
It's about experimenting and exploring.
Maybe people enjoy different ways of being creative over others.
But creativity has to be 'tapped into' just like intuition.
Just like a lot of things.
Anyway, with this same person... We made an observation together,
it was about a duck being a brat so we called it Brat Duck.
The duck was a young one, not listening to its mother.
Being a brat and not wanting to swim or stay with his family.
He was different than the other ducks. Which is why he was noticeable.
It was something that came to mind from reading a section about differences.
To make differences 'work' we have to do two things.
1) Appreciate the difference
2) Have a common purpose
One thing that is mentioned in this section is that most people
tend to see differences as flaws. They want others to be more like them.
I couldn't see that that's what I wanted in my last relationship.
I wanted my ex to be more like me
and he may have wanted me to be more like him.
The duck thing... The book says:
"We need all the wild ducks to fly in formation."
The brat duck didn't want to even swim in formation.
Didn't want to stay with his siblings. Wanted to do its own thing.
There's one like that in every crowd.
The ones who don't have any siblings ARE that duck.
Who doesn't want to listen to anyone.
But the reason they all have to fly together is for the purpose of aerodynamics.
It makes it easier to fly when they are all flying in formation.
For each one of them, not just for certain ones.
When we take out the formi out of uniformity, we get unity.
Just an observation.
A president of a car dealership wanted to consult his team
about a decision he was thinking about making.
He got a unanimous vote, but he tabled the decision
saying that he wanted their opinion, not their agreement.
He said that if they all thought the same way,
that not much thinking was going on.
It can be safe to disagree. It doesn't have to be an issue.
It doesn't have to turn into a fight.
The times it has for me, were because I was wanting to be understood.
I was defending my stance, my position, my opinion.
The person I was fighting with was defending their own
for the exact same reason I was defending mine.
I guess, the reason why I wanted my ex to be more like me
was that I wanted our similarities to bring us closer
and I didn't want our differences to drive us apart.
Which they ultimately did.
I guess that is why I wanted to have more similarities.
Maybe I thought that we'd appreciate our similarities more
than we appreciated our differences.
If that even makes any sense.
Also, I thought the more we appreciated about each other,
the more we'd appreciate being together.
Because it took us quite a while to come together.
Since we did the long distance thing for so long
and we had so many struggles in a lot of areas.
Individually and collectively.
These statements from this book say it all:
"Living at the same address does not necessarily result
in emotional closeness."
"Unfulfilled expectations, both at home and at work,
become the source of tension
that eventually erodes the fabric of the quality
of the relationship."
It wasn't that I really expected a lot. I wanted certain things.
Like the emotional closeness and physical closeness.
After a long time being at a pretty big distance.
I wanted to work together as a team. I wanted to trust.
I also wanted to be appreciated and not taken for granted.
However, I didn't always appreciate him
and sometimes took him for granted.
It wasn't all about me not getting what I wanted.
But just because I wanted these things
didn't mean I expected them, I just really, really, really wanted them.
Because I thought these things would enhance the quality of our relationship.
And ultimately, I would have received a lot of satisfaction
from the enhancement of the quality of our relationship.
"We often lack clarity about our wants, needs, and expectations.
Then we get frustrated when these 'requirements' are not met."
People want and need certain things,
but often they don't know why they want or need those things.
It took a couple years to figure out why I wanted those things.
"To enhance the quality of our relationship."
But often people see it as being selfish.
Only thinking about my wants, my needs, etc.
But my wants and needs in this case served a purpose.
I just didn't have the awareness to even communicate it at the time.
Another part says: "If they loved me, they'd know what I want and need."
I used to think this. A lot. Specifically in my first long term relationship.
I wanted to make things official.
I wanted him to love me enough to want to marry me.
But he wouldn't even talk to me about it
and the truth came out that he didn't want to marry me.
Even after having a child together...
Even after being together for 5 years.
Again, I wanted all those things that I just mentioned.
Because I wanted to enhance the quality of that relationship, also.
But I also just wanted to be and feel wanted.
In the ways I wanted to be wanted.
Which I wasn't. Which hurt pretty deeply at the time.
But not everyone realizes why we want what we want.
A lot of the time, we don't even realize why we want what we want.
And not everyone will want what we want.
Some people don't care if they literally kill their relationships.
Because they think being alone is better and easier
than having to deal with people who are much different
and want certain things for whatever reasons.
Ultimately, I just wanted to be closer emotionally.
I wanted to strengthen the bond.
But for whatever reasons, I couldn't achieve that.
As much as I wanted my own needs to be met,
I didn't know how to meet theirs. Honestly.
In the ways they wanted theirs to be met.
But for whatever reasons, I couldn't communicate that either.
Not sure if it's because I have a lot of work to do with this project,
or if it's because I'm nearing the end of this book.
Well by nearing the end... I have 8 chapters to go.
I have a bunch of books to read and haven't decided on the next one, yet.
When I get the library paid off, I can start borrowing books again.
I saw a couple of them I want to take out.
But knowing they are there is a nice feeling.
They aren't going anywhere unless someone takes them out.
Even then, they'll be returned, hopefully.
I saw one I had wanted to buy, but don't have the money for it.
Plus, I have many books I need to read
before I can even think about acquiring more.
Kind of like how I have so much wool to use that I have to use it
before I think about acquiring more.
Besides, more is less. Unless it's knowledge or wisdom. Or strength.
There's a story, a lesson in this section.
About a boy who looked forward to going to school.
In the first grade, the teacher says: "We're going to have an art lesson."
He starts thinking about all the modes of art,
then the teacher says: "We're going to draw."
So he thinks about all the things he could draw.
Then the teacher says: "We are going to draw flowers."
So he thinks about all the kinds of flowers he could draw.
Then the teacher says: "We are going to draw red tulips."
The next year, in the second grade, he has a new class and a new teacher.
The teacher says: "We're going to have an art lesson."
Then the teacher says: "You can do whatever art you want to do."
He thinks about it and draws a red tulip.
We start out with all kinds of potential and possibilities,
but the more we have our creativity channeled for us,
the more we lose it and we end up marginalizing ourselves.
The second teacher didn't say: "Draw a red tulip."
The first teacher did. We are the second teacher.
We are the ones who can give us free reign to design,
to explore and to experiment, but the first teacher (society)
tells us how we are supposed to operate.
Tells us what it expects. Tells us that we are drawers of flowers,
specifically red tulips.
So the next year, that's what we choose to be.
Because that's what we're told that we are.
It kind of reminds me of carving. Something I haven't done in a long time.
I used to carve with soapstone. It's soft and easy to carve.
It's filed down and warn away. It's not like carving with wood.
Wood has to be chipped. Soapstone isn't like that.
It's like society wears on us, wears us down.
Files us down, tries to smooth us out.
Tells us that we don't need the things that keep us sharp.
Because anything sharp can be cutting.
"Education for creative people begins
when they leave school." - Gay Hendricks.
I knew someone who used to get jealous of me for being creative,
for having my artistic pursuits.
He wanted to be creative, too, but he wasn't allowing himself to be.
It's about experimenting and exploring.
Maybe people enjoy different ways of being creative over others.
But creativity has to be 'tapped into' just like intuition.
Just like a lot of things.
Anyway, with this same person... We made an observation together,
it was about a duck being a brat so we called it Brat Duck.
The duck was a young one, not listening to its mother.
Being a brat and not wanting to swim or stay with his family.
He was different than the other ducks. Which is why he was noticeable.
It was something that came to mind from reading a section about differences.
To make differences 'work' we have to do two things.
1) Appreciate the difference
2) Have a common purpose
One thing that is mentioned in this section is that most people
tend to see differences as flaws. They want others to be more like them.
I couldn't see that that's what I wanted in my last relationship.
I wanted my ex to be more like me
and he may have wanted me to be more like him.
The duck thing... The book says:
"We need all the wild ducks to fly in formation."
The brat duck didn't want to even swim in formation.
Didn't want to stay with his siblings. Wanted to do its own thing.
There's one like that in every crowd.
The ones who don't have any siblings ARE that duck.
Who doesn't want to listen to anyone.
But the reason they all have to fly together is for the purpose of aerodynamics.
It makes it easier to fly when they are all flying in formation.
For each one of them, not just for certain ones.
When we take out the formi out of uniformity, we get unity.
Just an observation.
A president of a car dealership wanted to consult his team
about a decision he was thinking about making.
He got a unanimous vote, but he tabled the decision
saying that he wanted their opinion, not their agreement.
He said that if they all thought the same way,
that not much thinking was going on.
It can be safe to disagree. It doesn't have to be an issue.
It doesn't have to turn into a fight.
The times it has for me, were because I was wanting to be understood.
I was defending my stance, my position, my opinion.
The person I was fighting with was defending their own
for the exact same reason I was defending mine.
I guess, the reason why I wanted my ex to be more like me
was that I wanted our similarities to bring us closer
and I didn't want our differences to drive us apart.
Which they ultimately did.
I guess that is why I wanted to have more similarities.
Maybe I thought that we'd appreciate our similarities more
than we appreciated our differences.
If that even makes any sense.
Also, I thought the more we appreciated about each other,
the more we'd appreciate being together.
Because it took us quite a while to come together.
Since we did the long distance thing for so long
and we had so many struggles in a lot of areas.
Individually and collectively.
These statements from this book say it all:
"Living at the same address does not necessarily result
in emotional closeness."
"Unfulfilled expectations, both at home and at work,
become the source of tension
that eventually erodes the fabric of the quality
of the relationship."
It wasn't that I really expected a lot. I wanted certain things.
Like the emotional closeness and physical closeness.
After a long time being at a pretty big distance.
I wanted to work together as a team. I wanted to trust.
I also wanted to be appreciated and not taken for granted.
However, I didn't always appreciate him
and sometimes took him for granted.
It wasn't all about me not getting what I wanted.
But just because I wanted these things
didn't mean I expected them, I just really, really, really wanted them.
Because I thought these things would enhance the quality of our relationship.
And ultimately, I would have received a lot of satisfaction
from the enhancement of the quality of our relationship.
"We often lack clarity about our wants, needs, and expectations.
Then we get frustrated when these 'requirements' are not met."
People want and need certain things,
but often they don't know why they want or need those things.
It took a couple years to figure out why I wanted those things.
"To enhance the quality of our relationship."
But often people see it as being selfish.
Only thinking about my wants, my needs, etc.
But my wants and needs in this case served a purpose.
I just didn't have the awareness to even communicate it at the time.
Another part says: "If they loved me, they'd know what I want and need."
I used to think this. A lot. Specifically in my first long term relationship.
I wanted to make things official.
I wanted him to love me enough to want to marry me.
But he wouldn't even talk to me about it
and the truth came out that he didn't want to marry me.
Even after having a child together...
Even after being together for 5 years.
Again, I wanted all those things that I just mentioned.
Because I wanted to enhance the quality of that relationship, also.
But I also just wanted to be and feel wanted.
In the ways I wanted to be wanted.
Which I wasn't. Which hurt pretty deeply at the time.
But not everyone realizes why we want what we want.
A lot of the time, we don't even realize why we want what we want.
And not everyone will want what we want.
Some people don't care if they literally kill their relationships.
Because they think being alone is better and easier
than having to deal with people who are much different
and want certain things for whatever reasons.
Ultimately, I just wanted to be closer emotionally.
I wanted to strengthen the bond.
But for whatever reasons, I couldn't achieve that.
As much as I wanted my own needs to be met,
I didn't know how to meet theirs. Honestly.
In the ways they wanted theirs to be met.
But for whatever reasons, I couldn't communicate that either.
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