It's late and I'm really tired.
Part of me wants to sleep, the other doesn't.
The rest of me is restless, and reflecting.
Feeling all kinds of stuff... Some of it is good,
a lot of it is because I'm tired.
My emotions get all haywire when I'm tired.
I keep thinking "I'm sad" when I'm tired.
When I catch myself saying that I'm sad,
I change it to "I'm just tired."
I found out that one of my neighbors is moving.
I wanted to hang out and get to know him,
but he wasn't making the effort to get to know me.
I still wish him well.
It's not the first time and not the last.
Not everyone I want to socialize with wants to socialize with me.
Everyone is in a world of their own. Of which I have no part.
Perhaps I will find a group of friends I can be a part of, one day.
I guess it's been one of my deepest desires.
To just have a group I belong in. Friends to make memories with.
That sort of thing. I've wanted that for so long.
The trick is to feel that I already do, regardless of having it or not.
So that it matters less if I have it or not.
Because I want the feeling that comes with having it.
And don't want the feeling of not having it.
Nobody wants to always feel like they are on the outside looking in.
And if anyone feels like that, constantly, it's me.
I don't want to feel that way anymore.
It doesn't feel very good. It feels like
there's something fundamentally wrong with me.
That I'm not worthy of having that.
So help me GOD I don't want to spend another birthday alone!!!!!!
I just wish I had a group of friends who remember
and want it to be nice for me. Who don't want me to be alone on my birthday.
Of all the days of the year, that one kills me the most for loneliness.
This year, on my birthday, I received that
"your blog is boring and self indulgent" comment.
I guess I saw some post about people celebrating someone's birthday
with pictures and all that.
The friends I do have... There aren't any pictures of us together.
Because they never wanted to take any with me...
Anyway, seeing stuff like that really drives home the fact that I'm alone.
And not just that I'm single, I don't even care about that...
I just would like to feel wanted by my friends.
Even a simple "Hi, how are you?" Or something.
But anyway, this way of thinking isn't getting me anywhere.
It's just bringing me pain. Which just prolongs my suffering.
I don't need anyone who doesn't want me in their life.
I don't need to keep feeling unworthy.
I can just be happy for those who already have that.
Because I know how it feels not to have that.
Everyone is allowed to be as they are.
One day someone will recognize that I am worthy
of a sincere and honest effort to connect on a deeper level.
And a sincere and honest effort to connect with me will be made.
It's not that I have absolutely nothing of value to offer.
It's that the people I wish could see that I do, can't see it.
It's a common problem. There are others like me who exist.
There can be upsides to being alone,
not having to deal with other people's crap... Just gets lonely.
Especially on 'special occassions.'
However, it is an opportunity
to change the way I think about it.
And to change the way I think about myself.
To change the way I think about the needs I think I have.
About what importance I put on certain things.
About why I think I want what I think I want.
It's because I still seek approval from others
because I think I still need recognition and respect
to boost my self esteem and my self worth.
When what I actually need is just to boost my self esteem and self worth.
Without anyone recognizing any of my good qualities.
Without the social invitations, without the greetings.
Without anyone wanting me to be in their life.
Without anyone wanting to take pictures together.
Without any of those things that would be nice to experience.
Without even being thought of at all.
Because that's putting conditions on my happiness.
Like "I'll be happy when I have caring friends."
Why not before? Regardless of who cares and who doesn't?
Regardless of what I do or do not mean to anyone?
I don't need to have to prove my worth to have worth.
All I have to do is feel that I have some. Even a little value.
Besides, I can't expect people to think of me at all
let alone want me in their life.
The way to never be disappointed is never to expect anything.
The best things are the good things that come unexpectedly.
Part of me wants to sleep, the other doesn't.
The rest of me is restless, and reflecting.
Feeling all kinds of stuff... Some of it is good,
a lot of it is because I'm tired.
My emotions get all haywire when I'm tired.
I keep thinking "I'm sad" when I'm tired.
When I catch myself saying that I'm sad,
I change it to "I'm just tired."
I found out that one of my neighbors is moving.
I wanted to hang out and get to know him,
but he wasn't making the effort to get to know me.
I still wish him well.
It's not the first time and not the last.
Not everyone I want to socialize with wants to socialize with me.
Everyone is in a world of their own. Of which I have no part.
Perhaps I will find a group of friends I can be a part of, one day.
I guess it's been one of my deepest desires.
To just have a group I belong in. Friends to make memories with.
That sort of thing. I've wanted that for so long.
The trick is to feel that I already do, regardless of having it or not.
So that it matters less if I have it or not.
Because I want the feeling that comes with having it.
And don't want the feeling of not having it.
Nobody wants to always feel like they are on the outside looking in.
And if anyone feels like that, constantly, it's me.
I don't want to feel that way anymore.
It doesn't feel very good. It feels like
there's something fundamentally wrong with me.
That I'm not worthy of having that.
So help me GOD I don't want to spend another birthday alone!!!!!!
I just wish I had a group of friends who remember
and want it to be nice for me. Who don't want me to be alone on my birthday.
Of all the days of the year, that one kills me the most for loneliness.
This year, on my birthday, I received that
"your blog is boring and self indulgent" comment.
I guess I saw some post about people celebrating someone's birthday
with pictures and all that.
The friends I do have... There aren't any pictures of us together.
Because they never wanted to take any with me...
Anyway, seeing stuff like that really drives home the fact that I'm alone.
And not just that I'm single, I don't even care about that...
I just would like to feel wanted by my friends.
Even a simple "Hi, how are you?" Or something.
But anyway, this way of thinking isn't getting me anywhere.
It's just bringing me pain. Which just prolongs my suffering.
I don't need anyone who doesn't want me in their life.
I don't need to keep feeling unworthy.
I can just be happy for those who already have that.
Because I know how it feels not to have that.
Everyone is allowed to be as they are.
One day someone will recognize that I am worthy
of a sincere and honest effort to connect on a deeper level.
And a sincere and honest effort to connect with me will be made.
It's not that I have absolutely nothing of value to offer.
It's that the people I wish could see that I do, can't see it.
It's a common problem. There are others like me who exist.
There can be upsides to being alone,
not having to deal with other people's crap... Just gets lonely.
Especially on 'special occassions.'
However, it is an opportunity
to change the way I think about it.
And to change the way I think about myself.
To change the way I think about the needs I think I have.
About what importance I put on certain things.
About why I think I want what I think I want.
It's because I still seek approval from others
because I think I still need recognition and respect
to boost my self esteem and my self worth.
When what I actually need is just to boost my self esteem and self worth.
Without anyone recognizing any of my good qualities.
Without the social invitations, without the greetings.
Without anyone wanting me to be in their life.
Without anyone wanting to take pictures together.
Without any of those things that would be nice to experience.
Without even being thought of at all.
Because that's putting conditions on my happiness.
Like "I'll be happy when I have caring friends."
Why not before? Regardless of who cares and who doesn't?
Regardless of what I do or do not mean to anyone?
I don't need to have to prove my worth to have worth.
All I have to do is feel that I have some. Even a little value.
Besides, I can't expect people to think of me at all
let alone want me in their life.
The way to never be disappointed is never to expect anything.
The best things are the good things that come unexpectedly.
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