Momentum Goes Both Ways

For a while I've been writing about things like:
"When you change the way you look at things,
the things you look at change."

So I have to think differently about some things.
Like my past, for an example.
I've been able to stop those thoughts that kept coming up.
Over the past few days.
Whenever those thoughts came up,
I'd say "That was then, this is now."
Back then, things were different. I was different.
This is now. Bringing myself back to now helps.
It is so hard to focus on the present
when you can't stop thinking about the past.
There was a quote about this. I forget what it was.
It was something about how we waste time
thinking about things that aren't happening now.

But there's this:

There's been a lot of guilt feelings, regret, and sadness lately. 

Which are, according to Eckhart Tolle, forms of non-forgiveness. 

It's easy to feel these things when you want forgiveness from someone. 

Or you want a situation from the past to be healed. 

Or you can't seem to forgive yourself. 

I wrote about this stuff before, but apparently, 

those feelings have all resurfaced for me recently. 

I was doing okay for a while, 

but those feelings are probably going to keep coming up. 

I feel like every time I stop feeling like that

is because I've repressed it somehow. 

And that is why they keep coming up. 

But... "That was then, this is now."

The past is gone. It only exists in memories. 

My thoughts about things that happened, 

and my feelings about things that happened. 

I feel like that is all a part of me, 

even though I am different from who I was back then. 

If that makes any sense. 

Maybe these beliefs I've had about myself and my life

are contributing to why I've been feeling sad. 

Because I haven't learned to look at myself differently, 

even though I know I am not the same girl I was years ago. 

I have made some changes. My life has changed. 

I'm still changing. 

It's just scary to feel alone all the time. 

I can't say that I like it, but maybe that is what is supposed to be. 

Maybe the only way I can continue to grow, is on my own. 

And being alone doesn't have to be a bad thing. 

I struggle with loneliness. 

And that's why I feel sad about being alone. 

But being alone doesn't have to be all about loneliness. 

Or the fear of being alone forever, 

just have to look at it differently. 

Look at it as an opportunity to really do some inner work. 

Some grief work, some psychological work, 

some spiritual work, etc. 

But of course life shouldn't just be about work. 

There should be some opportunities 

to have some fun and to feel good. 

Otherwise I'd have to keep doing this work over and over again. 

Like those feelings that keep coming up. 

And those thoughts that keep coming up. 

I'd have to continuously fight myself. 

Just to release some of that so it won't weigh me down so much. 

So that I can go from one step to another, 

instead of being stuck on the same step for years and years. 

So now I have a lot of time to think. 

Which can be a good thing. 

A blessing and a curse at the same time. 

Depends on how you look at it. 

I know how my thoughts and feelings get stuck

on auto-repeat. It bothers me, but at least I am aware of it. 

Being aware of it is the first step. 

We can't change things of which we are unaware. 

Right? Right!

"Start from where you are."

I am only where I am. 

I was thinking about the tarot the other night. 

I thought of the 5 of Cups which is about sorrow. 

A figure on the card stands there, mourning 3 spilled cups, 

and has their back turned to two full cups. 

They lost three, but still have two left. 

Two of cups is the friendship card. 

Three of cups is a celebration card. 

Four of cups is the card of discontent. 

I guess the discontent comes before the sorrow card. 

The four of cups has a message:

"The mixture of reality and feelings may result in apathy."

So five is "Regret and Sorrow" that pretty much sums up

how I've been feeling lately. 

Anyway, the 10 of cups is Contentment & Happy Home Life. 

But we can't get to 10 right from 5. 

There's 6, 7, 8, and 9 that lead to 10 from 5. 

6 is Past Memories & Future Dreams. 

7 is Day Dreams 

8 is Regeneration

9 is Sensual Satisfaction. 

Obviously, reminising about the past

hasn't been productive or progressive for me. 

Day dreaming is about using my imagination. 

To imagine what my life could be like, 

or how I could feel, in the future. 

The message is about how it is difficult to choose

when there are so many possibilities. 

And making one choice involves cutting off other choices. 

Too much choice is as difficult as too little. 

Especially for someone who has had limited choices 

for a really long time. 

Regeneration is about moving on. 

Turning my back on the past. Which is difficult. 

That has been my investment. My time and effort. 

But I have to do it in favor of the unknown new. 

It comes with a warning:

Failure to act at this point could lead to stagnation. 

So that brings us to the 9...

Which is the card of emotional bliss. 

It is the 'wish card.'

Precious moments that have to be treasured while they last. 

A positive time to make dreams a reality. 

And those emotions can be brought up with use of the imagination. 

I have done it. I know it is possible. 

It takes some effort. But the more practice, the less effort over time. 

So what do I do now?

Start from where I am. I am only where I am. 

Because of my choices. 

Even choosing not to choose

by not choosing to choose.

That's on me. 

Being sad because I didn't choose not to be sad. 

Even though it's not exactly a switch that I can flip. 

Just because I want to flip it.

Once there is momentum, 

I can't exactly just stop on a dime. 

But the thing with momentum is that it goes both ways.