Well it took long enough! Finally at a good place in my life where things are starting to come together. I have been going to a meeting after work. It's a nice group, and one of the bigger ones. It's hard to blend in there because everyone seems to be curious about 'the new girl.' Hahaha. I haven't said much there, it's hard for me to start opening up to people. Then, when I do, I end up opening up to the wrong ones.
I'm working on becoming 'secure' with myself. Which is just as important to me as staying sober. Well it's the first of my 'needs'. I'm getting creative and am mapping out how to reprogram my mind to think more positively. The thing with positive thinking, it's a cycle. Thinking positive thoughts makes you start feeling positive feelings, which make you think more positive thoughts.
Someone was saying today how sobriety has given them the clarity of mind that they've never had before. I'm thinking more clearly, too. It does affect that much... Alcohol does. People don't realize the damage it can do. People who tend to gravitate to it are damaged in a lot of ways. I know I was. Well, I still am. A lot of the damage done was caused by myself. I'll admit that. There was a lot that I was not willing to admit. The thing with admitting something is that you come to some realizations and then you realize more to admit to.
In the research I have been doing... Admittance is the first step.
It took me YEARS to admit that I'm an alcoholic. A lot of people still won't admit it.
The thing with being in denial is the dishonesty that comes with it. The unwillingness to see the truth for what it is.
There was something (then I'll get back to the point I was going to make) that was said about how alcoholics are in denial because they are mostly unable to be honest with themselves.
That's where I was going with it. Admitting that there is an issue (any issue, not just alcoholism) is the first step, then there comes acknowledging the issue, then acceptance. I don't think much headway can be made without acceptance. We want to be in control, most of the time, but there are so many things in life that are beyond our control and we have to ACCEPT that we have no control over that. And let it just be the way it is.
Someone told me something really sad the other day and I couldn't cry. I have a hard time crying over sad things now. I don't know why. I'll cry out of frustration, out of despair, out of happiness, but not from sadness anymore. It's like somehow that button got switched off. It kind of scares me because people will look at me and wonder if I even have a heart. I should be expressing my sadness the way other people express their sadness. Like at a funeral, for instance, I just can't seem to shed one tear. Everyone else around me would be bawling their eyes out, and I just can't. I really don't know why. Then the others look at me like I'm incapable of feeling anything or that I'm being disrespectful because I'm not grieving the same way... I think those feelings are still there somewhere, but they are not surfacing. It's not like I try to be happy at funerals or whatever, but when I get nervous, I tend to smile. Especially when I don't know what to say. I know it seems cruel to smile at someone who is bawling, and it's not my intention to make their pain seem insignificant or their loss. I just don't know how to express my emotions properly anymore. I noticed that about a year ago, or two. I was at a funeral. The man was a great man. He really was. It was really sad that his family lost him and that he was sick up until his death. But I have no cried for him. I don't know why. I know it is sad, I just can't seem to do it. Nothing comes out.
So when my friend told me about what happened to a friend of his.... I am sad for her. What she is going through is one of the worst things, ever. My friend was crying, a lot. I haven't. I thought about her at work all night long. Thought about some other things too. But it is so fresh for her and I know I'd be out of my mind if anything close to that happened to me. I just cannot cry.
It's stupid because when I watch shows like Extreme Makeover Home Edition I bawl like a baby when the family gets to see their new home. But, I can't cry for someone when they die. I haven't for a very long time. I cry for others who lost someone. Sometimes. But it seems like nothing will come out. It makes me look cold and uncaring. I do care, just I have a very hard time showing people I care about that I care about them. I know it shouldn't be a hard thing to do, but it is something I will have to learn how to do. I don't want people who I love to think I do not care. I do care. A lot. But showing it has always been the hardest for me. I am having a hard time expressing my feelings towards people. So I tend to pull away. This has even affected my relationships before.
Like whenever I was dating, the guy thought I was cheating on him or whatever because I was having a hard time being affectionate. I'm not used to being affectionate. It was me being pushed away whenever I wanted or needed affection in my life so eventually I gave up on trying to ask for it or seek it in any way. Even though there are times I still want/need it. I just have a hard time with emotions lately. When I was a kid, it was like being emotional was a bad thing. Crying got you hit, and hit HARD. Because I guess there was something 'unacceptable' about crying. Or wanting anything. So I stopped wanting, asking, trying. All of those got me PAIN and nothing but pain.
So it has been very hard for me, in any kind of relationship. All relationships in my life have been affected with the shutting down and keeping everyone at a 'safe' distance. It has caused pain to them that I couldn't just go to them and SHOW them that I care. This is ONE reason why I'm not dating for a while. My last boyfriend... I can tell that my being reserved really bothered him and that he always thought that someone else was getting all of that from me. The more I'm struggling with, the harder all the hard things seem. EVERYthing inside me has been BROKEN for many years. Pretty much my WHOLE life. It's not easy to put 30 years worth of 'broken' back together again. Maybe things would have been different had I been at this place in my life YEARS ago. Maybe things would have been different had I been able to IDENTIFY even a TENTH of what I'm starting to realize now. I couldn't even say: 'I have a problem drinking'. It wasn't until I started doing something about that ONE issue that I realized that was only the tip of the iceberg. I have many more issues. Like insecurity. Which I'm working on now. I'll be all the better for it.
One of the main things is denial. Like so much denial going on that you don't even know what to start admitting. All my issues, I had before I started drinking. Drinking was just a way to shove it down, and not think about it. I didn't have to examine the reasons for anything, the causes of the issues. Or even THINK about what I could DO or could have DONE to fix anything. I did care, and sometimes didn't. I wanted to care, but my thinking was all backwards. For a long time. Clarity is one of the best things about sobriety. It really is. It makes it easier to THINK. And those wheels are turning, connecting thoughts to other thoughts. Making what used to seem impossible actually possible.
I'm finally feeling like I have potential and that my life has potential. One thing that I learned is that one of the things that fights potential is perfectionism. We think too much about how things would be PERFECT if we had more CONTROL. But if we realize sooner that if we just control the things we DO and SHOULD have control over, things would work out better. Instead of sabotaging ourselves by thinking that things would be PERFECT if we MADE them perfect. We can't always make things happen the way we want them to be. The more we keep trying to MAKE it the way we WANT it, the harder it gets. The more we RESIST the way things HAVE to be, the more resistance we meet UNTIL we just let things work out however they are going to work out.
As part of my routine, and things I'm working on, I found some affirmations for each day of the week.
My Thursday affirmation is: "Things will work out, things will get better, the best has yet to come."
I'm hoping these things that I'm learning and incorporating into my life will one day become automatic.
Like my verbal response to stress. Onomatomania. It's something I've had for most of my life. I just discovered the word for it and that there are other people just like me who apparently have the same issue. I wish there was a support group for that. I wish I knew what it was years ago. Anyway, I brought it up because it's something that is automatic now. Like it is involuntary. Also, I think I'd have a hard time dating because of it. People just don't understand (unless they have it) how hard it is to cope with. The phrase I say isn't offensive, luckily, but still embarrassing. Having to explain it, is embarrassing. Shouting it in public, is embarrassing. Not just for the people I happen to be with, but for myself.
I'd love to be normal. I 'hide' things pretty well now. Until I get comfortable with a person, then it starts. Trying to explain that it is a reflex thing is hard. Because I think Onomatomania is rare. If it wasn't, I'm sure I would have heard about years ago. It's part of having a mental illness. Or maybe it's separate, but either way, I have mental illnesses. The good news is that I'm starting to THINK clearly, finally.
I'm working on becoming 'secure' with myself. Which is just as important to me as staying sober. Well it's the first of my 'needs'. I'm getting creative and am mapping out how to reprogram my mind to think more positively. The thing with positive thinking, it's a cycle. Thinking positive thoughts makes you start feeling positive feelings, which make you think more positive thoughts.
Someone was saying today how sobriety has given them the clarity of mind that they've never had before. I'm thinking more clearly, too. It does affect that much... Alcohol does. People don't realize the damage it can do. People who tend to gravitate to it are damaged in a lot of ways. I know I was. Well, I still am. A lot of the damage done was caused by myself. I'll admit that. There was a lot that I was not willing to admit. The thing with admitting something is that you come to some realizations and then you realize more to admit to.
In the research I have been doing... Admittance is the first step.
It took me YEARS to admit that I'm an alcoholic. A lot of people still won't admit it.
The thing with being in denial is the dishonesty that comes with it. The unwillingness to see the truth for what it is.
There was something (then I'll get back to the point I was going to make) that was said about how alcoholics are in denial because they are mostly unable to be honest with themselves.
That's where I was going with it. Admitting that there is an issue (any issue, not just alcoholism) is the first step, then there comes acknowledging the issue, then acceptance. I don't think much headway can be made without acceptance. We want to be in control, most of the time, but there are so many things in life that are beyond our control and we have to ACCEPT that we have no control over that. And let it just be the way it is.
Someone told me something really sad the other day and I couldn't cry. I have a hard time crying over sad things now. I don't know why. I'll cry out of frustration, out of despair, out of happiness, but not from sadness anymore. It's like somehow that button got switched off. It kind of scares me because people will look at me and wonder if I even have a heart. I should be expressing my sadness the way other people express their sadness. Like at a funeral, for instance, I just can't seem to shed one tear. Everyone else around me would be bawling their eyes out, and I just can't. I really don't know why. Then the others look at me like I'm incapable of feeling anything or that I'm being disrespectful because I'm not grieving the same way... I think those feelings are still there somewhere, but they are not surfacing. It's not like I try to be happy at funerals or whatever, but when I get nervous, I tend to smile. Especially when I don't know what to say. I know it seems cruel to smile at someone who is bawling, and it's not my intention to make their pain seem insignificant or their loss. I just don't know how to express my emotions properly anymore. I noticed that about a year ago, or two. I was at a funeral. The man was a great man. He really was. It was really sad that his family lost him and that he was sick up until his death. But I have no cried for him. I don't know why. I know it is sad, I just can't seem to do it. Nothing comes out.
So when my friend told me about what happened to a friend of his.... I am sad for her. What she is going through is one of the worst things, ever. My friend was crying, a lot. I haven't. I thought about her at work all night long. Thought about some other things too. But it is so fresh for her and I know I'd be out of my mind if anything close to that happened to me. I just cannot cry.
It's stupid because when I watch shows like Extreme Makeover Home Edition I bawl like a baby when the family gets to see their new home. But, I can't cry for someone when they die. I haven't for a very long time. I cry for others who lost someone. Sometimes. But it seems like nothing will come out. It makes me look cold and uncaring. I do care, just I have a very hard time showing people I care about that I care about them. I know it shouldn't be a hard thing to do, but it is something I will have to learn how to do. I don't want people who I love to think I do not care. I do care. A lot. But showing it has always been the hardest for me. I am having a hard time expressing my feelings towards people. So I tend to pull away. This has even affected my relationships before.
Like whenever I was dating, the guy thought I was cheating on him or whatever because I was having a hard time being affectionate. I'm not used to being affectionate. It was me being pushed away whenever I wanted or needed affection in my life so eventually I gave up on trying to ask for it or seek it in any way. Even though there are times I still want/need it. I just have a hard time with emotions lately. When I was a kid, it was like being emotional was a bad thing. Crying got you hit, and hit HARD. Because I guess there was something 'unacceptable' about crying. Or wanting anything. So I stopped wanting, asking, trying. All of those got me PAIN and nothing but pain.
So it has been very hard for me, in any kind of relationship. All relationships in my life have been affected with the shutting down and keeping everyone at a 'safe' distance. It has caused pain to them that I couldn't just go to them and SHOW them that I care. This is ONE reason why I'm not dating for a while. My last boyfriend... I can tell that my being reserved really bothered him and that he always thought that someone else was getting all of that from me. The more I'm struggling with, the harder all the hard things seem. EVERYthing inside me has been BROKEN for many years. Pretty much my WHOLE life. It's not easy to put 30 years worth of 'broken' back together again. Maybe things would have been different had I been at this place in my life YEARS ago. Maybe things would have been different had I been able to IDENTIFY even a TENTH of what I'm starting to realize now. I couldn't even say: 'I have a problem drinking'. It wasn't until I started doing something about that ONE issue that I realized that was only the tip of the iceberg. I have many more issues. Like insecurity. Which I'm working on now. I'll be all the better for it.
One of the main things is denial. Like so much denial going on that you don't even know what to start admitting. All my issues, I had before I started drinking. Drinking was just a way to shove it down, and not think about it. I didn't have to examine the reasons for anything, the causes of the issues. Or even THINK about what I could DO or could have DONE to fix anything. I did care, and sometimes didn't. I wanted to care, but my thinking was all backwards. For a long time. Clarity is one of the best things about sobriety. It really is. It makes it easier to THINK. And those wheels are turning, connecting thoughts to other thoughts. Making what used to seem impossible actually possible.
I'm finally feeling like I have potential and that my life has potential. One thing that I learned is that one of the things that fights potential is perfectionism. We think too much about how things would be PERFECT if we had more CONTROL. But if we realize sooner that if we just control the things we DO and SHOULD have control over, things would work out better. Instead of sabotaging ourselves by thinking that things would be PERFECT if we MADE them perfect. We can't always make things happen the way we want them to be. The more we keep trying to MAKE it the way we WANT it, the harder it gets. The more we RESIST the way things HAVE to be, the more resistance we meet UNTIL we just let things work out however they are going to work out.
As part of my routine, and things I'm working on, I found some affirmations for each day of the week.
My Thursday affirmation is: "Things will work out, things will get better, the best has yet to come."
I'm hoping these things that I'm learning and incorporating into my life will one day become automatic.
Like my verbal response to stress. Onomatomania. It's something I've had for most of my life. I just discovered the word for it and that there are other people just like me who apparently have the same issue. I wish there was a support group for that. I wish I knew what it was years ago. Anyway, I brought it up because it's something that is automatic now. Like it is involuntary. Also, I think I'd have a hard time dating because of it. People just don't understand (unless they have it) how hard it is to cope with. The phrase I say isn't offensive, luckily, but still embarrassing. Having to explain it, is embarrassing. Shouting it in public, is embarrassing. Not just for the people I happen to be with, but for myself.
I'd love to be normal. I 'hide' things pretty well now. Until I get comfortable with a person, then it starts. Trying to explain that it is a reflex thing is hard. Because I think Onomatomania is rare. If it wasn't, I'm sure I would have heard about years ago. It's part of having a mental illness. Or maybe it's separate, but either way, I have mental illnesses. The good news is that I'm starting to THINK clearly, finally.
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