There was a lot of information gathering going on all night. I got lost in finding definitions of words. I figure that in the definition lies the hidden meanings, or even true meanings. But, of course every single word that exists is up to interpretation. Each word represents a concept and these concepts are conceived in the mind where comprehension is taking place.
As I wrote down some words and the definitions, I kept seeing other words in the definition as components to the meaning of the first word. Which kept looping for hours. May possibly loop forever. My mind cannot get enough with word associations. Maybe it's my inquiring mind or obsessive compulsive disorder.
So anyway, I'm using those for my project. Which is what I actually started months ago, but there were a bunch of times I felt diverted from it by external circumstances. The thing is that now I have discovered some things that gave me pause to think.
"If you do not go within, you go without."
The thing with withdrawal, like withdrawing yourself away from society is this: It is a choice. Being a loner sometimes isn't a choice. Sad fact is that I convey much more of myself on here than I actually do in real life. Because of being guarded all the time, not being able to verbally convey my thoughts. Writing it down helps because you just start writing and don't know what's going to come out of your head and into words. I got used to writing from keeping journals of my most secret, personal, private thoughts. Things that I avoid writing on here (as best as I can). Because I'm aware that people can read this. Just sometimes, I forget.
Being an introvert means that you're almost always within yourself. So I guess we're never without! Hahaha!
There's a reason that I'm staying away, (for the most part) of other people most of the time. It's nothing to do with them, but I'm trying to fix things. I have lots of fixing to do. This is not my first attempt, either. It's been countless attempts, just I really want to stick with it this time. Had I stuck with it years ago.... But maybe that wasn't the right time. Maybe the time is right this time.
I'm nervous about taking a trip this year. I said I was going to take a trip in September. I'm scared. I haven't traveled in a long time, even though I keep thinking that it will do me some good. Plus, there are AA meetings all over the place. There's bound to be one somewhere, wherever I go. It's been 5 months sober now. Next month, I get my next chip. Then I go on a trip. Hopefully. The original plan was that I'd go visit my cousins, Uncle & Aunt in Alberta. But it's been a while and haven't heard from them, even wrote to them and didn't hear back. So I'm wondering if I should just go somewhere closer, by myself. I know this month is when I'm supposed to start making the plans for next month. I'm not used to making travel arrangements so I have been avoiding it, hahaha. Been leaving it until August, and well, it's here.
Something tells me that I should go to Niagara Falls. It's closer. Haven't been since I was 3 years old. So I think I'd like to experience it now that I'm older and can actually remember and appreciate it. I have some distant relatives out that way. My Grandmother was born in Welland, Ontario. Niagara region. She is one of 15 kids. So I have a lot of second cousins, maybe even third cousins. It'd be neat to meet all your relatives. Wouldn't it? Like on The Simpsons, that one episode where Lisa meets her distant relatives to see that she wouldn't inherit the 'Homer gene'. I know that I won't get to meet my family on my father's side, but I could do some research on my mother's side. When I was in Guelph years ago, I got to meet some of my family. When I was traveling I always kept in touch with my Grandmother and my mother. I'd always make a call wherever I was. 10 towns in 3 months. I wouldn't be gone that long this time. I'm hoping for five days at the most. But, I could settle for less. Maybe it will take a different setting to really look at things differently. If that makes any sense.
Anyway, where I was going with the calling home part.... Someone, not sure if it was my Grandmother or my mother, but they gave me the number for my mother's cousin, and he let me stay with them for a week. So I got to meet some relatives, then. I stayed in touch, wrote letters, they wrote back. Every Christmas, I'd get a letter from his wife. She passed away. They both passed away. So I am lucky I got to meet them when I did. They were really nice people. His mother was my Grandmother's sister. I forget which sister because, like I say, there were lots of children in her family. I can't imagine having 15 kids. Then there are shows on TV like 19 Kids and Counting... So I guess there are still big families out there. Imagine having 19 kids whose names all start with J? This episode is interesting, I guess. Going to Nepal to meet someone for the first time. Something about that amuses me. And taking 5 minute turns with the ball.... With so many waiting for a turn, you can guess how long a wait until your turn comes back around. All in all, I do believe in courtship. I value that value system.
Anyway, yesterday, I picked up a bag of cherries and I remembered a book in my collection. Called: "If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in The Pits?" It usually cheers me up.
I'm going to do some reading now and get ready for my run tonight.
As I wrote down some words and the definitions, I kept seeing other words in the definition as components to the meaning of the first word. Which kept looping for hours. May possibly loop forever. My mind cannot get enough with word associations. Maybe it's my inquiring mind or obsessive compulsive disorder.
So anyway, I'm using those for my project. Which is what I actually started months ago, but there were a bunch of times I felt diverted from it by external circumstances. The thing is that now I have discovered some things that gave me pause to think.
"If you do not go within, you go without."
The thing with withdrawal, like withdrawing yourself away from society is this: It is a choice. Being a loner sometimes isn't a choice. Sad fact is that I convey much more of myself on here than I actually do in real life. Because of being guarded all the time, not being able to verbally convey my thoughts. Writing it down helps because you just start writing and don't know what's going to come out of your head and into words. I got used to writing from keeping journals of my most secret, personal, private thoughts. Things that I avoid writing on here (as best as I can). Because I'm aware that people can read this. Just sometimes, I forget.
Being an introvert means that you're almost always within yourself. So I guess we're never without! Hahaha!
There's a reason that I'm staying away, (for the most part) of other people most of the time. It's nothing to do with them, but I'm trying to fix things. I have lots of fixing to do. This is not my first attempt, either. It's been countless attempts, just I really want to stick with it this time. Had I stuck with it years ago.... But maybe that wasn't the right time. Maybe the time is right this time.
I'm nervous about taking a trip this year. I said I was going to take a trip in September. I'm scared. I haven't traveled in a long time, even though I keep thinking that it will do me some good. Plus, there are AA meetings all over the place. There's bound to be one somewhere, wherever I go. It's been 5 months sober now. Next month, I get my next chip. Then I go on a trip. Hopefully. The original plan was that I'd go visit my cousins, Uncle & Aunt in Alberta. But it's been a while and haven't heard from them, even wrote to them and didn't hear back. So I'm wondering if I should just go somewhere closer, by myself. I know this month is when I'm supposed to start making the plans for next month. I'm not used to making travel arrangements so I have been avoiding it, hahaha. Been leaving it until August, and well, it's here.
Something tells me that I should go to Niagara Falls. It's closer. Haven't been since I was 3 years old. So I think I'd like to experience it now that I'm older and can actually remember and appreciate it. I have some distant relatives out that way. My Grandmother was born in Welland, Ontario. Niagara region. She is one of 15 kids. So I have a lot of second cousins, maybe even third cousins. It'd be neat to meet all your relatives. Wouldn't it? Like on The Simpsons, that one episode where Lisa meets her distant relatives to see that she wouldn't inherit the 'Homer gene'. I know that I won't get to meet my family on my father's side, but I could do some research on my mother's side. When I was in Guelph years ago, I got to meet some of my family. When I was traveling I always kept in touch with my Grandmother and my mother. I'd always make a call wherever I was. 10 towns in 3 months. I wouldn't be gone that long this time. I'm hoping for five days at the most. But, I could settle for less. Maybe it will take a different setting to really look at things differently. If that makes any sense.
Anyway, where I was going with the calling home part.... Someone, not sure if it was my Grandmother or my mother, but they gave me the number for my mother's cousin, and he let me stay with them for a week. So I got to meet some relatives, then. I stayed in touch, wrote letters, they wrote back. Every Christmas, I'd get a letter from his wife. She passed away. They both passed away. So I am lucky I got to meet them when I did. They were really nice people. His mother was my Grandmother's sister. I forget which sister because, like I say, there were lots of children in her family. I can't imagine having 15 kids. Then there are shows on TV like 19 Kids and Counting... So I guess there are still big families out there. Imagine having 19 kids whose names all start with J? This episode is interesting, I guess. Going to Nepal to meet someone for the first time. Something about that amuses me. And taking 5 minute turns with the ball.... With so many waiting for a turn, you can guess how long a wait until your turn comes back around. All in all, I do believe in courtship. I value that value system.
Anyway, yesterday, I picked up a bag of cherries and I remembered a book in my collection. Called: "If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in The Pits?" It usually cheers me up.
I'm going to do some reading now and get ready for my run tonight.
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