There are a bunch of things I've been thinking about tonight. I just watched a movie called "He's Just Not That Into You." Pretty much the story of my life in a movie. Except the parts where the girls who were looking for love found it... Because that's not me.
I was thinking about my past relationship. I was also thinking about the guy I was interested in. He's just not that into me. It's painfully obvious at this point, but I was the fool who gave him my heart. And it's my fault it got broken. That's what I get for giving it to the wrong guy. A guy who wouldn't give me his in return. I shouldn't settle for anyone. If I needed anyone, which I don't, but IF I did... He'd have to be special. Someone unlike all the rest. No 'friends with benefits' crap. That's just like saying: "Hey, I'm attracted to you, but you're not my type because if you were my type you'd be my girlfriend and not just some friend with benefits."
Months ago I was getting mixed signals. Now I'm getting really clear signals by getting no signals at all. So at least I know where I stand. After all that time of wasting my time getting emotionally involved with someone who doesn't understand that playing those games is not and has never been 'my thing.' It's either you want me or you don't. If you don't, I can find someone who does. IF I was looking. AND even if I'm not looking. I could still find someone because they'd find me.
I read this saying: "Don't fall in love with someone who SAYS the right things... (Anyone can say crap they don't mean just because they know it's what you want to hear). Fall in love with someone who DOES the right things." The last guy I fell for SAID all the right things but when push came to shove DID NOTHING. I know I deserve better than that. The same went for the last guy I DATED. All TALK, no ACTION.
Don't tell me things like: "I want to kiss you." Do it. He told me he wanted to. Told me a lot of things, but when we were together I told him I wanted him to kiss me and he came up with this reference to a movie to explain why he wouldn't. If a guy wants to do something, usually, he'll find a way to make it happen. If he doesn't, chances are he didn't really want to in the first place.
I've had only 3 serious long term relationships in my life. Only two of those count as REAL relationships. I almost got married once. You know what he told me? He said: "I didn't want to marry you because you'd turn around and say that I only married you because I got you pregnant." Yeah... He actually said that. I knew he didn't love me. If he had he would have wanted to marry me. Especially because I had his baby. I had this hope that he would and we'd have a family and everything I ever dreamed of for my future would come true... That is when I was a foolish, hopeful, lovesick 18 year old girl...
Now, I'm 30... Not sure if I have much hope left, if any at all... But I know what I have to do from now on. I have to stop wanting my dreams to come true. I have to stop wanting everything I always wanted. Because it hurts too much to think about. It hurts because I still care. But eventually, when that pain goes away, I won't care anymore and I can make my own dreams come true. Then the guy will see that I'm doing so well on my own and I never needed him. Guys only want me when I don't want them. I don't know why it seems to be that way. It's never like: Girl meets Guy, Guy likes Girl, Girl likes Guy, They fall in love... The End.
No, it never works that way. It is always something in the way. Most of the time it's the ego. Maybe a male pride thing. I don't know. Like any guy I've been interested thinks they can do better than me so they will not commit to me. So why would they want me if they think they can do better? I don't get that. I don't get why they should have me if they think they can do better...
I have to walk away from people who keep treating me like sh*t and I have been. I don't, nor did I ever deserve to be treated that way. Even tonight... Being called 'immature' because I refuse to be insulted. Over and over again. There is a such thing as being straightforward... There is a thing called being honest... But you don't have to insult someone to try to get your point across. I refuse to be insulted. I refuse to. Even if you don't mean to insult me some things just come across as being insulting. So be careful what you say to people. It's not me being overly sensitive, or overly defensive. It is me standing up for my values that shouldn't be knocked down just because your 'values' are different than mine. I walk away from that sh*t. I don't need it. Don't judge me. Especially if you don't know me. Don't think you know me because of what I write here because there's so much more to me that I DON'T write here. Because NOBODY deserves to see that side of me. Until you prove to me that you do, you will NEVER see that side of me. EVER. I'm saving that for someone who shows me they are worth it.
I was thinking about my past relationship. I was also thinking about the guy I was interested in. He's just not that into me. It's painfully obvious at this point, but I was the fool who gave him my heart. And it's my fault it got broken. That's what I get for giving it to the wrong guy. A guy who wouldn't give me his in return. I shouldn't settle for anyone. If I needed anyone, which I don't, but IF I did... He'd have to be special. Someone unlike all the rest. No 'friends with benefits' crap. That's just like saying: "Hey, I'm attracted to you, but you're not my type because if you were my type you'd be my girlfriend and not just some friend with benefits."
Months ago I was getting mixed signals. Now I'm getting really clear signals by getting no signals at all. So at least I know where I stand. After all that time of wasting my time getting emotionally involved with someone who doesn't understand that playing those games is not and has never been 'my thing.' It's either you want me or you don't. If you don't, I can find someone who does. IF I was looking. AND even if I'm not looking. I could still find someone because they'd find me.
I read this saying: "Don't fall in love with someone who SAYS the right things... (Anyone can say crap they don't mean just because they know it's what you want to hear). Fall in love with someone who DOES the right things." The last guy I fell for SAID all the right things but when push came to shove DID NOTHING. I know I deserve better than that. The same went for the last guy I DATED. All TALK, no ACTION.
Don't tell me things like: "I want to kiss you." Do it. He told me he wanted to. Told me a lot of things, but when we were together I told him I wanted him to kiss me and he came up with this reference to a movie to explain why he wouldn't. If a guy wants to do something, usually, he'll find a way to make it happen. If he doesn't, chances are he didn't really want to in the first place.
I've had only 3 serious long term relationships in my life. Only two of those count as REAL relationships. I almost got married once. You know what he told me? He said: "I didn't want to marry you because you'd turn around and say that I only married you because I got you pregnant." Yeah... He actually said that. I knew he didn't love me. If he had he would have wanted to marry me. Especially because I had his baby. I had this hope that he would and we'd have a family and everything I ever dreamed of for my future would come true... That is when I was a foolish, hopeful, lovesick 18 year old girl...
Now, I'm 30... Not sure if I have much hope left, if any at all... But I know what I have to do from now on. I have to stop wanting my dreams to come true. I have to stop wanting everything I always wanted. Because it hurts too much to think about. It hurts because I still care. But eventually, when that pain goes away, I won't care anymore and I can make my own dreams come true. Then the guy will see that I'm doing so well on my own and I never needed him. Guys only want me when I don't want them. I don't know why it seems to be that way. It's never like: Girl meets Guy, Guy likes Girl, Girl likes Guy, They fall in love... The End.
No, it never works that way. It is always something in the way. Most of the time it's the ego. Maybe a male pride thing. I don't know. Like any guy I've been interested thinks they can do better than me so they will not commit to me. So why would they want me if they think they can do better? I don't get that. I don't get why they should have me if they think they can do better...
I have to walk away from people who keep treating me like sh*t and I have been. I don't, nor did I ever deserve to be treated that way. Even tonight... Being called 'immature' because I refuse to be insulted. Over and over again. There is a such thing as being straightforward... There is a thing called being honest... But you don't have to insult someone to try to get your point across. I refuse to be insulted. I refuse to. Even if you don't mean to insult me some things just come across as being insulting. So be careful what you say to people. It's not me being overly sensitive, or overly defensive. It is me standing up for my values that shouldn't be knocked down just because your 'values' are different than mine. I walk away from that sh*t. I don't need it. Don't judge me. Especially if you don't know me. Don't think you know me because of what I write here because there's so much more to me that I DON'T write here. Because NOBODY deserves to see that side of me. Until you prove to me that you do, you will NEVER see that side of me. EVER. I'm saving that for someone who shows me they are worth it.
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