So things are changing in my life. Some things are changing for the better. I can feel that. Only part of it doesn't feel like that. It's hard to explain. It feels like I'm alone even though I know I'm not. Like for example, I'm fighting with my self-worth. I keep having the temptation that I'm fighting... I keep having it thrown in my face, looming over my head... Constantly. Now more than ever. Everywhere I look. It's not that I'm noticing it more and that it's always been this way... It's that it's increasing its presence in my life, daily.
Whether it's pictures of people's drinks that they are putting up on facebook. (Which I need to take a break from). Or being in a vehicle behind a beer truck. Etc. Yesterday, just yesterday alone... There were at least 20 references to alcohol on facebook, and that truck... I know I'm stronger than my addiction. I've made it through my first week. I got my first chip. I'm waiting for Tuesday afternoon for my second meeting. I'm going back to the other group on Thursday. I keep telling myself that I don't want it anymore and I'm not craving it. It's just that I notice it more because it's in my face more.
I keep thinking about someone who doesn't give a f*ck about me. I don't want to have feelings for him. I HATE having feelings for him. I HATE how I still think about him even though he IGNORES me and makes EXCUSES not to come see me yet he makes time for his other friends. I HATE that I can't just walk away from him and I know I should because it feels like he walked away from me MONTHS ago. I HATE how it affects my feelings of self-worth.
I HATE feeling like this and not being able to escape the way I used to escape. It feels like since I quit drinking, there is NO ESCAPE from the FEELINGS that are ruining my life. I know I have to get through this somehow and I feel like I have to do this alone. Since the only guy who I want to love HAS NO IDEA what love is. WILL NEVER love me, let alone accept me the way I am. Won't even TALK TO ME to try to work things out. And here I am, waiting for him STILL! Like an IDIOT. When he probably doesn't deserve me anyway. Because if he did... He would see what he's doing to me. What he's been doing to me all along... I know he's not ready yet. I get that. I'm not ready yet, either, but that doesn't mean that I don't still want what I wanted all this time. I HATE WANTING THAT! I HATE IT SO MUCH THAT IT MAKES ME ANGRY! I've been angry at him for being a part of why I wanted it to begin with. Don't wake up a girl's heart if you don't want it! That is one of the most cruelest things you can do to a girl. Make her think you want her and little by little run away from her to the point that all she f*cking thinks about is you and you do not give a f*ck! SHAMEFUL COWARDICE! And the sad thing is that she was willing to change for YOU! She wanted to be MORE FOR YOU! AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THERE FOR HER! And all of this is exactly why I want to and wish to walk away, just like he walked away from me. I HATE THAT IT'S SO HARD TO DO THAT. I can walk away from booze, but not him? Booze has always been there for me and I'm walking away from that.... I don't need it. I don't need him either even though he's still in my STUPID, BROKEN heart.
I know that it takes longer for the heart to realize what the mind already knows... And vice versa...
Just enough is enough already. Why is it that the ONLY thing I EVER wanted has to be so out of reach that I keep losing hope for the future and faith in myself?
When we find the answers to the questions life asks of us... Life changes the questions. The rules change as soon as we learn to play by them... Reality bites and we have to bite it back, but by doing so, it bites us again, harder. Makes us bleed out the hope we were trying so hard to hold onto like we never had any before or at all... I was warned that I would be crying so much more frequently. That's what giving things up does. Things we held onto for so long, false beliefs, false hopes, false friends... While trying to let go of the pain of giving those things up. Even though they were never good for you. It's being vulnerable. It SCARES THE SH*T out of me. I always hated feeling like this. Vulnerability tricks you into thinking you're alone and that you're always going to be alone. No matter what you do, where you go, who you try to reach out to...
I often feel like I write this stuff just to try to let it out. How am I supposed to expect anyone to understand what I'm going through? Those meetings make me feel welcomed when I feel unwelcomed everywhere else. And what hurts is that I felt that way ALL MY LIFE and it takes going to AA for a sense of community and belonging? Shouldn't I have those feelings with my FRIENDS? Oh yeah! I forgot! They only want to be around me if I'm doing well... Or if I can do something for them... Or if it is convenient for THEM. I also forgot that it seems to be OKAY for them to use me, hurt me, talk about me behind my back, walk away from me when I need them, pretend I don't exist, rub my failures in my face... Make me jealous by being AWESOME friends to everyone BUT ME! I have to deal with all my feelings towards all of this! Now I can't just go to the bar and FORGET it, not even for a little while. I can't numb myself to the pain. I have to deal with reality without running away from it. All these sleepless nights, all the fear, pain, loneliness, ignorance... EVERYTHING. Why do I keep thinking LOVE will fix any of this? It won't. Just like going and getting drunk won't either. You ever hear the term: "Love drunk"? I can't get drunk on love. Even though I crave love and not booze anymore. Love has always been so much harder to find than booze. Always worth more to me than booze... Although they both have hurt me in their own ways.... Big and small, I can't replace one with the other. It took me a long time to realize that just because one doesn't exist in my life that I shouldn't fill the hole in my soul with the other.
It's weird, every time a guy says he likes me... But he has a girlfriend... Or whatever...
Or he likes me, but not ready to love me.
Or he likes me, but is incapable of loving me....
It keeps messing with my self-worth. Even if I am trying to be a better person so that I can be happy... It just seems like I'm miserable without that one thing that would make me feel good about myself, make me feel complete, make me happy. And I know that it doesn't work like that. Love isn't some miracle drug that fixes everything and makes you all better. You have to be 'all better' and then MAYBE love comes into your life. If you work hard for all the things you think love can do for you that only you can do for yourself. Because in the long run EVERYONE can and often WILL just walk away from you. Leaving you to fight this battle by YOURSELF.
Whether it's pictures of people's drinks that they are putting up on facebook. (Which I need to take a break from). Or being in a vehicle behind a beer truck. Etc. Yesterday, just yesterday alone... There were at least 20 references to alcohol on facebook, and that truck... I know I'm stronger than my addiction. I've made it through my first week. I got my first chip. I'm waiting for Tuesday afternoon for my second meeting. I'm going back to the other group on Thursday. I keep telling myself that I don't want it anymore and I'm not craving it. It's just that I notice it more because it's in my face more.
I keep thinking about someone who doesn't give a f*ck about me. I don't want to have feelings for him. I HATE having feelings for him. I HATE how I still think about him even though he IGNORES me and makes EXCUSES not to come see me yet he makes time for his other friends. I HATE that I can't just walk away from him and I know I should because it feels like he walked away from me MONTHS ago. I HATE how it affects my feelings of self-worth.
I HATE feeling like this and not being able to escape the way I used to escape. It feels like since I quit drinking, there is NO ESCAPE from the FEELINGS that are ruining my life. I know I have to get through this somehow and I feel like I have to do this alone. Since the only guy who I want to love HAS NO IDEA what love is. WILL NEVER love me, let alone accept me the way I am. Won't even TALK TO ME to try to work things out. And here I am, waiting for him STILL! Like an IDIOT. When he probably doesn't deserve me anyway. Because if he did... He would see what he's doing to me. What he's been doing to me all along... I know he's not ready yet. I get that. I'm not ready yet, either, but that doesn't mean that I don't still want what I wanted all this time. I HATE WANTING THAT! I HATE IT SO MUCH THAT IT MAKES ME ANGRY! I've been angry at him for being a part of why I wanted it to begin with. Don't wake up a girl's heart if you don't want it! That is one of the most cruelest things you can do to a girl. Make her think you want her and little by little run away from her to the point that all she f*cking thinks about is you and you do not give a f*ck! SHAMEFUL COWARDICE! And the sad thing is that she was willing to change for YOU! She wanted to be MORE FOR YOU! AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THERE FOR HER! And all of this is exactly why I want to and wish to walk away, just like he walked away from me. I HATE THAT IT'S SO HARD TO DO THAT. I can walk away from booze, but not him? Booze has always been there for me and I'm walking away from that.... I don't need it. I don't need him either even though he's still in my STUPID, BROKEN heart.
I know that it takes longer for the heart to realize what the mind already knows... And vice versa...
Just enough is enough already. Why is it that the ONLY thing I EVER wanted has to be so out of reach that I keep losing hope for the future and faith in myself?
When we find the answers to the questions life asks of us... Life changes the questions. The rules change as soon as we learn to play by them... Reality bites and we have to bite it back, but by doing so, it bites us again, harder. Makes us bleed out the hope we were trying so hard to hold onto like we never had any before or at all... I was warned that I would be crying so much more frequently. That's what giving things up does. Things we held onto for so long, false beliefs, false hopes, false friends... While trying to let go of the pain of giving those things up. Even though they were never good for you. It's being vulnerable. It SCARES THE SH*T out of me. I always hated feeling like this. Vulnerability tricks you into thinking you're alone and that you're always going to be alone. No matter what you do, where you go, who you try to reach out to...
I often feel like I write this stuff just to try to let it out. How am I supposed to expect anyone to understand what I'm going through? Those meetings make me feel welcomed when I feel unwelcomed everywhere else. And what hurts is that I felt that way ALL MY LIFE and it takes going to AA for a sense of community and belonging? Shouldn't I have those feelings with my FRIENDS? Oh yeah! I forgot! They only want to be around me if I'm doing well... Or if I can do something for them... Or if it is convenient for THEM. I also forgot that it seems to be OKAY for them to use me, hurt me, talk about me behind my back, walk away from me when I need them, pretend I don't exist, rub my failures in my face... Make me jealous by being AWESOME friends to everyone BUT ME! I have to deal with all my feelings towards all of this! Now I can't just go to the bar and FORGET it, not even for a little while. I can't numb myself to the pain. I have to deal with reality without running away from it. All these sleepless nights, all the fear, pain, loneliness, ignorance... EVERYTHING. Why do I keep thinking LOVE will fix any of this? It won't. Just like going and getting drunk won't either. You ever hear the term: "Love drunk"? I can't get drunk on love. Even though I crave love and not booze anymore. Love has always been so much harder to find than booze. Always worth more to me than booze... Although they both have hurt me in their own ways.... Big and small, I can't replace one with the other. It took me a long time to realize that just because one doesn't exist in my life that I shouldn't fill the hole in my soul with the other.
It's weird, every time a guy says he likes me... But he has a girlfriend... Or whatever...
Or he likes me, but not ready to love me.
Or he likes me, but is incapable of loving me....
It keeps messing with my self-worth. Even if I am trying to be a better person so that I can be happy... It just seems like I'm miserable without that one thing that would make me feel good about myself, make me feel complete, make me happy. And I know that it doesn't work like that. Love isn't some miracle drug that fixes everything and makes you all better. You have to be 'all better' and then MAYBE love comes into your life. If you work hard for all the things you think love can do for you that only you can do for yourself. Because in the long run EVERYONE can and often WILL just walk away from you. Leaving you to fight this battle by YOURSELF.
No comments:
Post a Comment