So... Day 14 so far... After making it this weekend, I'll have completed two weeks of sobriety.
It feels weird. Making huge changes just feels like that. People are telling me to take baby steps and I made a really huge step by quitting drinking. But I had to, it was holding me back in a lot of ways. The reasoning behind the drinking is what was holding me back.
I'm pretty sure everyone is kind of sick of me writing about this. Like yeah, she quit drinking, so the f*ck what? But this is a big thing for me.
Like it's the new beginning. Sort of exciting, but pretty scary. It is just so brandnew with this.
But it does feel like I'm recovering, starting to recover.
During my really long walk home tonight I was thinking, a lot. As I do on long walks. That's why I like to take long walks.
I was thinking about these changes going on in my life. I was thinking about the presentation I had been to tonight on the Tao principles.
Honesty, Diligence, Responsibility, Courtesy, and Trust/Belief.
But everything comes down to choices we make. The choices we make, make us who we are. The choices we make, make our lives what they are.
In recovery I'm making lots of breakthroughs, I mean a lot of it, most of it is common sense. Applying what you learn to your life is experience. I had a long talk tonight with someone who asked me some questions. I find that when someone asks me those types of questions, they are really questions I should be asking of myself. And the answer is not for them, it is for me. It is meant to direct my thinking towards what those answers are.
Tonight the questions were things like: "What is Honesty?" I used to think the obvious... It was about telling the truth of the matter, recognizing the truth. But it is also about accepting the results of choices I make. Being honest with myself about why I made those choices. And about why I want to make better choices. So it's about recognizing truth, accepting results of choices I made, AND reasoning.
Diligence is making the effort towards the goal. "Due Diligence"
"The theory that investigating contributes significantly
to informed decision making
by enhancing the amount and quality of information available to decision makers
and ensuring that this information is used deliberately and reflexively on the decision at hand
and all its costs, benefits, and risks."
Responsibility is a big one. Being accountable for something within one's power,control, or management.
Someone once told me, I forget who, but they put responsibility into words as the ability to respond. And that just made so much sense. So I always think of it like that now.
Courtesy: Boils down to respect and consideration in social conduct.
Evaluating the facts, thoughtfulness based on reflection.
Trust and Belief:
Trusting and having faith are kind of the same thing. Trust is like a reliance in an alliance. For me, trust is the reliance and faith is the alliance.
Belief is something else... It is a conviction in the truth. I am convinced the truth is the truth. With or without proof that it exists. Because if the truth didn't exist, it would all be an illusion.
Most of this life is an illusion because we trick ourselves to think life is 'supposed' to be a certain way. To align with our hopes. So we start having expectations and hopes, desires, all of that. What we think is supposed to be is the illusion and this is what we have to consider.
Another question I was asked was what do I think the purpose of love is? I used to think I needed it. Well, everyone does to a point. But I used to think that finding someone to feel and be vulnerable with was a part of healing and thus being the purpose of love. But that kind of thinking does not form a healthy relationship. So I'd jump from unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship because it's not meant for healing. That's why people get hurt when they are looking for love with that kind of thinking. Because they think it is something they 'need' vs something they 'want' and it is okay to want what you think you need, but what do we truly need? What do we truly want?
What I need and want is to strip away the illusions and grow from my vulnerability. Yes, love has a lot to do with vulnerability and both people in love are going to be vulnerable. But I have my own vulnerability to manage now. I feel kind of naked in AA. Because I am vulnerable. That is what having an addiction does to people. The addiction is the vulnerability. Or the source of it. I'm vulnerable there because I'm at the mercy of my addiction. I have spoken out a couple times. I want to because I need to. That's why I need to be there. That's why I need to write about it. So basically, to warn you, I'll be blogging a lot about this transition. Because I feel it is important. Of course my recovery isn't important to other people, but it is to me because it is my life. And maybe by writing this stuff all out, it will help to look back on it. Even if to look and see how far I'm coming. Even from a few weeks ago. The thing with changes is that when making a change, a lot of people focus on the old and not so much the new, they think they have to get rid of the old to make way for the new, but by building the new, the old just ceases to exist. Because for the most part, the old has already been overcome with the new. Only thing left to do is to deal with the emotional aspects of the changes because those are attached, associated with the things that are changing but often is a whole different struggle to get the emotions to change with the rest of the changes.
And this isn't what I've been learning in AA, by the way, I'm learning all of this on my own. A lot of this I am learning by writing about it here. That is why I am writing about it. To learn it.
I'm learning: Discovery leads to Recovery
and Exploring leads to Restoring.
and Restoring is what recovery is all about.
So bare with me while I explore through my writing and think through my blog. Because these are the thoughts running through my head. The thoughts I am reflecting on. Reflecting back to the reader (You.) So what do you think about this? I think and feel that I'm onto something. All lessons mean something. We learn lessons through tests. Being tested. Sobriety is a choice, but for an alcoholic, it is like a test. By being tested and testing ourselves we learn so many lessons in life. The harder the test, the more important the lesson it is to learn. And a lot of people can only learn the hard way. Especially if they are stubborn like me!
Okay, one last final thought for tonight... I've been hearing a phrase 'what you resist will persist.' It persisted because I resisted. I resisted by being in denial, living in denial. Denial that it was a problem because I was using alcohol in my pursuit of denial. To deny my feelings. Because they were all bad feelings. Feelings I did not want to feel. So resisting through denial made those feelings persist because I was resisting those feelings. So that is why they keep coming back.
Resistance can be seen as the opposing an attempt to bring repressed thoughts and feelings into the consciousness. That's like the refusal to take an offer. The offer was made for a reason, the offer is something good. It is an offering. An offering of benefits.
Repression is the rejection of the undesired thoughts and feelings from the consciousness.
The consciousness is our awareness. Our ability to be aware.
The process is: we care, we become aware, then we share, and go from there!
It feels weird. Making huge changes just feels like that. People are telling me to take baby steps and I made a really huge step by quitting drinking. But I had to, it was holding me back in a lot of ways. The reasoning behind the drinking is what was holding me back.
I'm pretty sure everyone is kind of sick of me writing about this. Like yeah, she quit drinking, so the f*ck what? But this is a big thing for me.
Like it's the new beginning. Sort of exciting, but pretty scary. It is just so brandnew with this.
But it does feel like I'm recovering, starting to recover.
During my really long walk home tonight I was thinking, a lot. As I do on long walks. That's why I like to take long walks.
I was thinking about these changes going on in my life. I was thinking about the presentation I had been to tonight on the Tao principles.
Honesty, Diligence, Responsibility, Courtesy, and Trust/Belief.
But everything comes down to choices we make. The choices we make, make us who we are. The choices we make, make our lives what they are.
In recovery I'm making lots of breakthroughs, I mean a lot of it, most of it is common sense. Applying what you learn to your life is experience. I had a long talk tonight with someone who asked me some questions. I find that when someone asks me those types of questions, they are really questions I should be asking of myself. And the answer is not for them, it is for me. It is meant to direct my thinking towards what those answers are.
Tonight the questions were things like: "What is Honesty?" I used to think the obvious... It was about telling the truth of the matter, recognizing the truth. But it is also about accepting the results of choices I make. Being honest with myself about why I made those choices. And about why I want to make better choices. So it's about recognizing truth, accepting results of choices I made, AND reasoning.
Diligence is making the effort towards the goal. "Due Diligence"
"The theory that investigating contributes significantly
to informed decision making
by enhancing the amount and quality of information available to decision makers
and ensuring that this information is used deliberately and reflexively on the decision at hand
and all its costs, benefits, and risks."
Responsibility is a big one. Being accountable for something within one's power,control, or management.
A particular burden of obligation upon one who is responsible.
Reliability or dependability.
Someone once told me, I forget who, but they put responsibility into words as the ability to respond. And that just made so much sense. So I always think of it like that now.
Courtesy: Boils down to respect and consideration in social conduct.
Evaluating the facts, thoughtfulness based on reflection.
Trust and Belief:
Trusting and having faith are kind of the same thing. Trust is like a reliance in an alliance. For me, trust is the reliance and faith is the alliance.
Belief is something else... It is a conviction in the truth. I am convinced the truth is the truth. With or without proof that it exists. Because if the truth didn't exist, it would all be an illusion.
Most of this life is an illusion because we trick ourselves to think life is 'supposed' to be a certain way. To align with our hopes. So we start having expectations and hopes, desires, all of that. What we think is supposed to be is the illusion and this is what we have to consider.
Another question I was asked was what do I think the purpose of love is? I used to think I needed it. Well, everyone does to a point. But I used to think that finding someone to feel and be vulnerable with was a part of healing and thus being the purpose of love. But that kind of thinking does not form a healthy relationship. So I'd jump from unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship because it's not meant for healing. That's why people get hurt when they are looking for love with that kind of thinking. Because they think it is something they 'need' vs something they 'want' and it is okay to want what you think you need, but what do we truly need? What do we truly want?
What I need and want is to strip away the illusions and grow from my vulnerability. Yes, love has a lot to do with vulnerability and both people in love are going to be vulnerable. But I have my own vulnerability to manage now. I feel kind of naked in AA. Because I am vulnerable. That is what having an addiction does to people. The addiction is the vulnerability. Or the source of it. I'm vulnerable there because I'm at the mercy of my addiction. I have spoken out a couple times. I want to because I need to. That's why I need to be there. That's why I need to write about it. So basically, to warn you, I'll be blogging a lot about this transition. Because I feel it is important. Of course my recovery isn't important to other people, but it is to me because it is my life. And maybe by writing this stuff all out, it will help to look back on it. Even if to look and see how far I'm coming. Even from a few weeks ago. The thing with changes is that when making a change, a lot of people focus on the old and not so much the new, they think they have to get rid of the old to make way for the new, but by building the new, the old just ceases to exist. Because for the most part, the old has already been overcome with the new. Only thing left to do is to deal with the emotional aspects of the changes because those are attached, associated with the things that are changing but often is a whole different struggle to get the emotions to change with the rest of the changes.
Recovery is about:
Regaining possibilities that were lost or taken away.
Restoring health from sickness.
Restoring a better state or condition.
And this isn't what I've been learning in AA, by the way, I'm learning all of this on my own. A lot of this I am learning by writing about it here. That is why I am writing about it. To learn it.
I'm learning: Discovery leads to Recovery
and Exploring leads to Restoring.
and Restoring is what recovery is all about.
So bare with me while I explore through my writing and think through my blog. Because these are the thoughts running through my head. The thoughts I am reflecting on. Reflecting back to the reader (You.) So what do you think about this? I think and feel that I'm onto something. All lessons mean something. We learn lessons through tests. Being tested. Sobriety is a choice, but for an alcoholic, it is like a test. By being tested and testing ourselves we learn so many lessons in life. The harder the test, the more important the lesson it is to learn. And a lot of people can only learn the hard way. Especially if they are stubborn like me!
Okay, one last final thought for tonight... I've been hearing a phrase 'what you resist will persist.' It persisted because I resisted. I resisted by being in denial, living in denial. Denial that it was a problem because I was using alcohol in my pursuit of denial. To deny my feelings. Because they were all bad feelings. Feelings I did not want to feel. So resisting through denial made those feelings persist because I was resisting those feelings. So that is why they keep coming back.
Resistance can be seen as the opposing an attempt to bring repressed thoughts and feelings into the consciousness. That's like the refusal to take an offer. The offer was made for a reason, the offer is something good. It is an offering. An offering of benefits.
Repression is the rejection of the undesired thoughts and feelings from the consciousness.
The consciousness is our awareness. Our ability to be aware.
The process is: we care, we become aware, then we share, and go from there!
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