Well, another freezing day in February.... My pants don't fit me. My ass was cold. Still could. Maybe cuddle up my cat in bed and read a while. Thinking about it.... Thinking about some other things as well. Like getting my manuscripts worked on, but I still have lots of time left. I keep saying I have lots of time. How much time do I really have left? I wonder this.
I had a dream last night that I was being held captive in a farm house by crazy people. It was scary. I convinced them that I should be allowed to call someone. They didn't have a phone. I convinced them to let me walk down to the store to use the pay phone. Then I called someone to try to help me get away. I have lots of dreams that I'm being held captive. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's a way of telling myself that I'm holding myself captive FROM my dreams.
I was talking to a friend of mine and he was asking me why I never did anything with my diploma. I don't know why I haven't. I really should have had some sort of plan for after college. The only thing I knew I had to do was take care of my son. I just got him into a day care. It took a long time. Maybe that is one reason. But I don't really have any other reasons.
What I'd like to do is work with young offenders and help them get back on track. Help them see that despite what they've done, it's not too late to turn their lives around for the better. Although I wasn't in their shoes, I know what it is like to be a youth and feel like the whole world is out to get you. I felt completely alone when I was a teen. Well, I still feel alone, but at least I can say that I made it this far on my own. When you feel alone, you get angry. Nobody should have to be alone and that is where the anger comes from. I was very angry as a teen. I've mellowed out considerably after high school. I was angry at the world because I felt that everyone, anyone who should have been there for me never really cared about me at all. My mother never really supported me in anything. When my father died, it seemed as though she pushed me away. I was angry at myself, too. Because I felt like there was something wrong with me. I never fit in with my peers. All my friends were older than me and I didn't really fit in with them, either. Because I was 'too young'. I still see myself that way. I'm going to be too old for certain things and still too young for other things. I hate feeling that way. I thought that was going to be over as soon as I turned 18, but I was wrong, again.
I don't know where my life is going. I'd love a career, I really would. I have enough of a hard time trying to get a dead-end survival job (like the job I have now) let alone getting myself into a field. I thought I was putting my diploma to use when I started security jobs. It wasn't what I expected. I wanted to feel important and being a security guard made me feel pretty useless. I was only there for insurance purposes, not because they actually needed a security guard. I never actually got to do anything important.
When I sit down and ask myself where I'd like to see myself like five years down the road, I can't see myself in a fulfilling job. I don't know why, but I just can't seem to see it. I want a fulfilling job, but they don't just fall out of the sky and into someone's lap, unless they are attracted magnetically to the horseshoe up someone else's ass. I don't have a horseshoe up my ass. I wish I did, but I don't. I think it wouldn't be anything shorter than a miracle that I ever get a career. For f*ck's sake, I tried to apply to Z*ll*rs, 3 bloody times, and I still never heard anything from them. I think the fact that the Bay took them over has something to do with it. I tried to apply there, too, but I couldn't even get a damn interview from them.
I think that made me feel pretty damn useless. And I stopped trying for a long time after that. I want to have a good job. I really do. I wish that I had the luck that other people have when they are looking for jobs. A lot of people I know just walk in there and tell them their qualifications and bingo-bango they've got a job. I can't even get interviews. And when I do get an interview, I usually know by the end of the interview that I didn't get the job. That's why I hate interviews. I always feel put on the spot, instead of prepared. Then I always feel like a useless piece of sh*t by the time the interview is over. Then I mope around for a while until I have enough courage to go to another one, again ending the same way. How am I supposed to build up my confidence when I keep getting shot down all the time? I mean if it wasn't for R****, I probably wouldn't even have my part time job. It just makes me feel extremely inadequate. I need to work to feel good about myself. I need to be making ends meet. Sometimes it just feels like I'm at the end of my rope, literally. This rope is a rope, not a bungee cord that will let me bounce back. Where would I bounce back to? Back to this point in time?? This point in time where I'm worried that I'll never be given a chance in this f*cked up city to do anything with my life or to be anyone????
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