I Don't Know....

It's one of those days, again. I made more mistakes. I always make mistakes. I'm confused because of how I feel right now, which isn't very good. Being confused and the way I feel. I can't get into it because it's complicated. Besides, how many times can I go over the same thing?

Just feel more lonely now than I have for a while. Sort of feeling like I'm having some sort of mid life crisis. I guess it's the easiest way to put it. I'm having doubts about my life, about myself. It doesn't feel good. It really doesn't. In some ways, it hurts. Like when I think about the things I desperately want and knowing I'm never going to have. It just makes me feel increasingly empty.

It seems as though I throw myself out there just to get spat back. And what I did today doesn't seem to help matters any more. It just seemed to make it feel worse and even more lonely. I don't know how it could, but it did. The strange thing is that I thought that if I went through with it, that it would change things and it hasn't. Which makes me think that maybe nothing will change.

I know that I should focus on one thing at a time and well that one thing can't be dating this time around or else I will lose myself in the deepest, darkest void that ever there was. Yeah, that void of rejection I always find myself in. I'm depressed. There's no two ways about it. So now I'm on that down cycle and of course nobody wants to be around me at this time. I can understand that. I lost a lot of friends over the years because I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I really do want to just snap out of it. I just keep thinking that I have 6 years before I'm 30 and it doesn't seem long enough. The years are going by faster and faster and one of these days I'm sure my boy will ask me why I never got married. What will I say?

Yeah, there really is no point in saying all this again and again. It just gets to me, really badly. Every time I think about it, it just seems to get worse. I can't help thinking about it. I wish I didn't think about it at all. I wish I never think about it again, ever. It hurts to think about it. About how alone I really am.

Anyway, I'm going to do something, knit, get my mind off this sh*t, hopefully.