Get Out Into the World

I have to start getting out more often. I need to start meeting people in the real world. The internet is an amazing thing, an addictive thing. I've met a lot of nice people from the internet, and a lot of people I wish I hadn't met.

I was reading messages my friend Gary left me. I've been talking to him on the internet for quite a long time. Years. He is a smart guy. And I really should take his advice. He told me that the internet creates a sense of false proximity. It does. Maybe I go online to just talk to people so that I don't feel as lonely. Maybe I go online to write for anyone who reads this so that I don't feel as lonely. I don't even know who all reads this. I know that there are people who have been coming back and reading more of what I write, regardless if they say anything or not.

Maybe they read this and laugh at how pathetic I must seem to them. I just write what I think, how I feel. Maybe I do this so that these stupid feelings of mine seem more real. Maybe I can look back on it and realize how trivial this all is. I just feel like I need to do it because if I couldn't get it all out, I'd be a quadrillion times worse off if I kept it all inside. Sometimes I drive myself crazy because I have too much time to think about stuff at work. Sometimes I want to kick my brain's ass. Tell it to shut the f*ck up for a change. I don't want all these useless thoughts running around in my brain.

Gary wrote to me about confidence. Something that I lack. I have to find something I'm good at doing and keep doing it. Of course having good friends is always something to be thankful for. No matter what is going on in my life, it's always good to know that there is someone out there rooting for me. I have to focus on the good things in my life instead of all those things I wish I had that I will never have. Like a house, a car, a loving husband... I mean it could be worse. I could find someone to marry me for all the wrong reasons and that isn't what I want. And I don't want to be with someone who has such impossibly high expectations of me.

I need something solid and if the only thing solid that I can have is friendship, then that's what I need. I also need to get out into the real world and hopefully make something of my life because it's not just my life. It's my son's life, too.