I'm fed up with winter. It seems that it'll never stop f*cking snowing. I'm still cold from taking my son to Day Care. I have to work tonight so I have to get some sleep today. I'm just tired in general.
I was in a pretty good mood after having some wine last night. Maybe that helped. I'm a cranky b*tch today, though. Probably because I'm tired. Maybe a bit of disappointment, too. I was hoping Rob was going to call me. It hasn't even been a month since we split up, but he's only called me once. He stopped sending me emails, too. It's funny how people can say they still love someone else and they stop calling and writing. It just feels familiar.
Anyway, it'll be a long time before I trust another guy and start dating again. It seems everyone wants me to be perfect and I'm far from it. The thing I hate is when people throw my weaknesses in my face. I know I'm weak. I know it takes me a long time to get anywhere in life, but the point is that I haven't given up, yet. It is tempting at times. It sure is. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed. But I know that I'm obligated to do things. I have responsibilities.
I wish things were easier, but they aren't. I just have to live with that. The fact that I can't drive. Even if I could drive, I couldn't afford a car. Just all the things that make me feel like a child.... It gets to me. It gets to me when I think about the guys I've dated and nobody has the guts after sleeping with me to call me. It makes me wonder if that is all they were after in the first place. I don't want a relationship anymore. They never work out for me. It's either all about sex or about control. When guys figure out that they can't control me, they don't want me anymore. I hate when people try to control me. I f*cking hate it because it makes me feel as though they think that I can't control myself. If I couldn't control myself, then I would have picked up some guy just for sex and dumped him faster than he would have dumped me. Instead, I sat here, at home, all night, alone. Sans sex. I think I have at least some control over myself.
I know there is more to life than sex and that is why I haven't gone looking for any. Besides, when I do get another chance to have any, it won't be half as fulfilling as I'd hoped. Yeah, I'm cranky. I'm a bit bitter today. The bitterness of the cold outside has made me cold on the inside. I don't really care that much anymore. Seriously. Relationships suck. They are only good for companionship and intimacy, but apart from that.... Yeah, I'm lonely. I'll be lonely for a long f*cking time. I have to just suck it up and get used to it. Maybe I'll never get used to it, but I'll probably die trying.
Maybe I'm just a bit pissed off that I feel I haven't really had a fair shake. It's just so easy for guys to date me and just forget about me as though I never meant anything. I mean, do I only mean something when I'm naked? Is that how it works? Maybe I'm angry because I feel like I'm a good person, but yet, nobody sees that. They see a girl with breasts and a..... And a kid..... I don't know what is wrong with me. All I know is that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life and since I'm alone now, I just feel like it's a million times worse than it is. Being alone shouldn't be a bad thing. Just when I think about people who are in successful relationships, blissful relationships.... Then I think about the relationships I've had...... I think about those who are happily married or just getting married and I keep asking myself if one of those people might be me one of these days. Then I wonder why I even ask myself if I'll ever get married when it's so gruesomely obvious that it just won't happen for me, ever.
Yeah, I'm happy for them. Jealous, yes. There will always be jealousy with me. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of wanting something someone else has. It makes me angry at myself. It makes me angry for not ever being able to achieve that. It makes me angry because there has to be something wrong with me.
I know I said I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself. In a way, it's just trying to sort out these stupid feelings. Maybe if I just let it out now, it won't keep getting worse. I know it hasn't even been a month yet. But who knows how long it'll take for me to meet someone. I might never actually fall in love or be in love WITH someone. Maybe I'm tired of feeling empty, tired of feeling nothing at all. I'm tired of trying and giving myself to people who just don't want me the way I am. Yes, I've always been willing to change, but other people have to be willing to change, too. I can't be the only one to hold the relationship together. I takes two.
If it takes me until I'm in my 30's to meet someone, then what will happen to my twenties? It feels as though years of my life are going to be wasted. I already feel as though I have wasted years. Years that I could have done something with my life. I could have had more of my life together. It's tempting to just give up. It really is. The reason why I can't is because I care too damn much about all the sh*t that I shouldn't give a sh*t about because it shouldn't mean sh*t. It shouldn't mean f*ck all. Why do people make such a big deal about it, then? That is what I want to know. Maybe they make a big deal out of it just so people like me can wonder what the f*ck is wrong with themselves. Instead of people like me wondering what the f*ck is wrong with themselves, they should be wondering what the f*ck is wrong with everyone else.
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