Twenty Years Down the Road

Happy New Years... Cheers, to whomever you are. Hope you all had a blast in 2007. The best is yet to come. It's something nice to believe in. Having hope in our hearts never hurt anyone. I hope for good things to come this year. Of course nobody wants anything bad to happen. Or shouldn't want anything bad to happen.
I got the bunny here. I'm thinking of keeping him, even though I know I can't. My son really likes him. He kept telling me - Even before he knew the bunny was coming here - that he wants to be a bunny farmer when he grows up. So I have to decide what is best. I already have two cats and they are actually afraid of the bunny. Neither of them have ever seen one before so they are curious, but extremely cautious. The kitten is the bravest. He has gone up to the bunny and batted it in the butt a few times to get him to hop. The bunny wants to play with the cats, but the cats aren't too sure, yet. The only thing I can say about having a bunny in the house is that it acts as a machine gun for pellets. I have to sweep constantly. That is the only thing. It does go in the litter box, but it does make a mess. He needs his claws cut and he hates being held. He wouldn't let me get near his feet with clippers. That is for certain. I don't want them to get any longer because they are too long as it is. He bled a bit when he tried to scratch me. I tried to pick him up. I had him on my lap the first day he was here, but I knew he wanted to be let go.
So anyway, I didn't get to see the fireworks. The thing is that there aren't many places to park down town. I got busy anyway. We were playing shot glass checkers. I won 3 games. I ended up getting a bit sick afterwards. A bit hungover the next day, but it was still fun. I'd play it again. Chess, I'm definitely not sure about. I used to play it at school a very long time ago, but I forgot how to play. Backgammon has always been my game of choice. It is a game of luck and doesn't really require a lot of thought. Games that involve strategy, I'm not really good at. I'm not sure why, but my brain doesn't want to think that way. That is why when people try to explain politics to me, I find it hard to understand. It's quite a bit like playing chess in my mind. Something that I haven't gotten the hang of.

I have at least a couple of weeks to wait for my knitting machine. I am so excited. I'm hoping that I can make a turn around financially. I have this thing where if I start my year off in debt, by the end of the year there's some sort of turn around. I'm starting a part time job this week. We shall see how that goes. I can't see how I can screw it up. It is a simple job that anyone can get used to doing. I'll be working nights.

I'm going to take that until I can see what else I can get. I just needed something pretty badly and anything is a start. I was in this position a few years back when I was finished college, then I got a job and I was working full time. I thought that was my start. When I'm cleaning, I feel like I'm doing something useful. Sometimes it can be fulfilling, but it felt like a dead-end job. I felt that if I kept doing it, that would be what I would be doing for the rest of my life. I need to develop skills and move up and move on to feel like I'm getting somewhere.

I want a job that is task oriented. I can get a lot done in a business sense when I know exactly what is expected of me and when I build up confidence. I had built up a bit of confidence when I was a security guard because I felt somewhat important. My anxiety levels rose dramatically when I was working there because in the back of my mind I kept asking myself if I was cut out for the job. I kept trying to tell myself that I was because of my college degree. I didn't want to feel like I wasted two years of my life for a diploma I was never going to use and I'm going to be paying for, forever.

I see it going down when I can make payments on it. The minimum monthly is like close to 400 bucks. I owe more and more every month due to interest. My GST is taken by the government to pay towards it. It does help slightly, but it doesn't cover the interest rates. By the time I can pay into it again, it'll be more than it is now. It'll probably be back up to what it was before I started paying it.

I'd like to get into shape. I mean, taking it seriously this time. Smoking will eventually catch up to me, I know it. Sometimes I can feel it in my chest. Each craving is so strong that it seems impossible to push them aside. Smoking is not good for the heart. It clogs arteries and increases the heart rate. The excess blood that cannot get to parts of the body, especially the brain, causes heart attacks and strokes. Not to mention the damage I've done to my lungs. It's hard to quit smoking, but I know I will have to try harder this year. I quit for almost 4 years before. I can do it again. It's just really hard. REALLY HARD.

My replacement addiction of course is going to be wool, wool, and more WOOL. I am so excited about this. It can make a row in seconds instead of half an hour. It's going to save me so much time that it's going to be crazy. Not only that, but as I learn how to use it, I'll get better at it and it'll go by all that much faster. It'll look more professional, too. I'll be able to make all kinds of things. Things I always wanted to make, but never had the time to make, or the patience. Knitting by hand is all about patience. Impatience comes from intolerance. I hate waiting because at this point in my life I am unwilling to tolerate it. It stems from my own selfishness. I mean there isn't anything wrong with wanting to be productive and constructive, but when I lose my patience, I find it hard to regain. I have to admit that my ego does get in my way. The ego is the part of the person that directly controls behavior. It's based on the thinking, feeling, acting 'selves'. Egos are supposed to be the part of us that is in the most touch with reality

The thing about 'reality' is that it is subjective in the way that each one of us has our own 'reality'. Of course because we each live separate lives. So reality is based on separate life styles or whatever you want to call it. I think I gave up on being completely politically correct. PC'ness has always fluctuated between right and the very, truly wrong. I never want to cross that line and offend anyone, especially unknowingly. I would never intend on that.

I was watching some show on how some celebrities were killed by former lovers and such. One was the infamous O.J trial that seemingly lasted a decade. I always felt that he was going to be acquitted. Even though most of us, if not more than most of us think he did it. The question they asked at the end of it was about his kids growing up and wondering if he really did do it. The book he wrote: "If I did it" doesn't convince me that he didn't do it. What it says to me is that "I'm not going to say that I did do it, but I'll outline how everything went down in detail." I didn't read the book and I don't have any interest in reading that book. In my opinion, they shouldn't have let him write the book because making money off the murders just isn't right. And what the F*CK is up with this murderabilia stuff? I find it greatly disturbing. Even more greatly disturbing is that there are women who intentionally seek serial killers to marry them. Gory Groupies. Disgusting. Demented depravity. Of course that is their choice, but c'mon?! And Karla moving to the Caribbean? I still don't get why they gave her that deal. Of course the deal was made before the tapes were found. The cops searched that house for over a week and his lawyer just walks in there and walks out with the evidence. And the deal with the DNA pisses me off to this day. It sat there for almost 3 years. If they had put a priority on that testing, two girls would probably still be alive. It irks me, but nobody knows what will happen. Psychics, maybe, but if they were absolutely real, they'd be working with cops and solving crimes and preventing them. By knowing what will happen ahead of time and alerting someone. I want to believe that if they really do exist that they work for justice and not for the sake of having powers that everyone wished they had.

I saw a recruitment sign for the O.P.P recently and a comment was made to me about joining. I thought about it over the years since college and I have come to the realization that maybe I wasn't meant to be a cop. No matter how much there are days I wish I was one, no matter how much I think about all the money I've had to put into the student loan (that I feel I've wasted), no matter how much I think about the choice I made and the commitment I made to that choice, even though half way through I knew there wasn't a future in the field for me...... I mean the ones who have made it maybe wanted it much more than I did. Who knows? They deserve recognition for how far they made it, but I'm the one who never stood a chance and barely graduated. My graduation was hanging on the balance of one credit. I had to write a book report for my elective and I had to pass my elective to pass the year. My final year. I feel bad for those who never even made it to graduation, but maybe they just didn't work hard enough to keep up with it.

To be honest, I haven't kept up with my studies after college. I stopped going to the gym, but I really should start going again. I'd like to lose ten pounds and build upper body strength. I felt really low in college, maybe the low point in my life when I couldn't pass the damn P.R.E.P test. I keep thinking about it. I keep thinking how good it would have felt to just be able to finish it and say that I had what it took to get all the way through it. After that I knew that if I wasn't ready for it then, I'd probably never stand the chance at being close to ready for it. Jealousy jarred me big time. I wanted to be as good as the girls were at the very least. It would have made me feel great to be in serious competition with the guys. They all had the strength that I didn't. The strength that I wish to have, but may never have. It's something I have to work towards. There are lots of things to work towards. If I really wanted it, I could just train for it. Cops have to have confidence and that is what I've always lacked. Law enforcement is a risky job and honestly when it comes to split second decision making.... Well... Crucial decisions take a while for my brain to process to put it mildly. One wrong reaction in a critical situation obviously spells disaster. My secrets always have a way of coming back to haunt me, too. I have always felt that a job where I'm not as much in the public eye would be best for me.

Cops are always held to higher standards because they are supposed to be like super heroes or something. Blood has always freaked me out. I don't like it. It scares me too much to be of any use in a situation involving blood. I don't even like seeing my own blood. Blood is freaky to say the least. Dead people are freaky, too. Forensic Science class had a lasting effect on me. All those images are stained into my memory, forever. Once you see that stuff, you never forget it, no matter how hard you try. After a while of doing it, it would get to me. I know it would. There isn't any 'getting used to' something like that. After that class, I'd be at the bar because I didn't want to face reality. Reality is that everyone dies. Those who die violently will always be on my mind. There is no escaping reality, not even after drinking or smoking. Or whatever. Pills can't even fix anything. Like the meds I've been taking. They only really prevent me from getting splitting headaches and getting really ill. I hate taking things that have withdraw symptoms. I get too anxious and a bit paranoid in social situations. The meds do take the edge off a bit, but they aren't the answer. I'd rather not have to take them because of how I feel when I don't take them. My body relies of this daily dosage now and that part scares me. What scares me more is how hard it will be to stop taking them. But I know that I do need to be medicated, but finding the right medication is the challenge. So far I know that it isn't zoloft, and I heard prozak isn't good. I don't really need an anti-psychotic but I need something for the anxiety and anti-depressant. I was diagnosed with depression many years ago, but the anxiety started to just get out of control to the point that I was breaking down emotionally. After that, everything else went with it.

I have heard of post-partum depression or the 'baby blues'. I didn't really get that too much. The anxiety that naturally comes with motherhood probably overwhelmed me the most. It added to the anxiety of having an uncertain future. Young mothers seldom know what to do when they become mothers. I made lots of mistakes, I continue making mistakes. It's about learning and discovering. I know that something inside me changed after I gave birth. It affected me more on an emotional level than psychologically. My chemistry changed. My chemistry has always been unstable, unbalanced. Maybe it is biological (most likely from my father's side) or hypochondria from my mother.

I need to learn to live with it, and deal with it in whatever way I can. I need to focus on my health, physical and mental as well as my emotional wellbeing. Sometimes I think that it shouldn't have taken 24 years of my life to get straightened up, but other times I think that if I don't do it, I might be 45 and still need to straighten up. I don't want to wait that long. Because by then, I'll have to have my life in some kind of decent order. I'd hate to be at the same place I'm at now twenty years down the road. It's hard to even think about five years down the road from now.