Speed

I feel the need for speed. I only have two hours to get some of this place cleaned up before I have to go get my son from school. It just doesn't seem like enough time. You're probably thinking: How messy can my place be if it takes longer than two hours to clean up? My son has this really bad habit of destroying everything in his path. I call him a little tornado. I think that if he could knock down walls, he would.

It just drives me crazy. I just bought him a whack of new crayons and he's got them everywhere. He even had a crayon in his underwear the other day. Don't ask me why. I really don't know. We spent a lot of time just cuddling on the couch this morning so I didn't do any cleaning, yet.

I just wish that I could get it done for once and for all. It really gets me depressed knowing that I have so much to do and never enough time to do it all. Of course if I managed my time properly, it wouldn't get so bad. I've always had a difficult time managing everything I have to do around here. Plus, lately I seem to be really tired.

I think I could get everything done in one day if I took something to boost my energy levels. I heard speed does. But I've never tried it. Of course I know that if I ever did, my heart wouldn't be able to take it. I've thought about it, but it would only be one more addiction for me to kick. I haven't stopped smoking yet. I know I should. If I quit smoking, I'd probably have a lot more energy. It is really hard to quit. Every time I want a cigarette, I feel like I'm going insane. If I have a cigarette and no lighter, I go bananas. I'd try almost anything to get it lit. It is scary how irritable I can be when I have a craving. I have been pretty irritable lately. I've been moody. I don't like it. When I feel like this I push people away from me just because I know I am having a mean streak and I don't want to hurt anyone by being mean.

I have some caffeine pills around here somewhere. I used to take those in school. They helped me focus on things. I think that maybe I should try to switch smoking with drinking coffee. It might help. I know I should quit soon because it's getting to me. I can feel my lungs hurt sometimes. I know I am a lot more short of breath than I used to be. I used to eat a lot more when I wasn't smoking. I think that I'm afraid of gaining weight again. I have been gaining a bit, but that isn't the reason I've been depressed. I just feel overwhelmed with everything going wrong. I have a lot of people on my back about getting a job. I realize that I need a job. It's just that it takes forever to get a kid into a daycare. Even though there is one at his school. They are full. I put him on a waiting list a couple months ago, but they say it takes up to a year. I feel that is too long. I have to stay home and take care of my kid so when do I ever have enough time to look for work, let alone go to work? My kid is only in school for a couple of hours every day. To have a part time job, I have to be working 4 hours every day.

That is why I wish I was self-employed. I would work from home and get as much done while I could. It just seems like the world is against me for some reason. I have the 'want', I don't have the 'way'. I could get a night job again, but I still have to be here during the day to take care of my son. So sleeping would be a problem. Besides, if I slept, my place would be destroyed in mere minutes. I miss the days when he wasn't even walking yet. It seemed so much easier then, but sometimes it is a bit easier now because there aren't anymore diapers to change and I don't have to feed him every 3 hours. He's got a thing for bologna and cream cheese sandwiches. I make them for him because he seems to like them. He eats them. Sometimes I have a hard time getting him to eat. I keep telling him that there are kids out there who don't have any food to eat. Sometimes I have to send him to bed early because he won't eat his dinner. Then I don't read him a story at bedtime when he won't eat. I know it seems mean, but just sending him to bed early doesn't seem to phase him. Even sending him to his room when he's bad doesn't seem to phase him. He's getting too used to that routine and it doesn't seem to work as well as it used to.

I don't know if it is the weather or what it is, sucking all the life from me. If I could sleep all winter, I would. The squirrels are so cute now that they are getting all fat for hibernation. I love their little tiny ears. I would have one as a pet if I could. You have to get them when they are babies. Before they get all wild. I love animals. I wish I had a HUGE bed with a HUGE blanket so I could cuddle all the fury little creatures. I've had squirrels take food out of my hand before. My mother had a few squirrels coming to our kitchen window where she used to live. All she'd do was open up the window and call them. They'd come running from wherever they were for peanuts. They knew that word. My mother would yell: "Frankie, peanuts!" And little Frankie would just come over. He was a smart one. A little too smart. My mother had baked some muffins and she had the window open. Frankie or one of the others came into the kitchen and took some of the muffins.

At the place she's at now, they have a dog. A couple of times some of the animals she feeds came into the house. The dog was chasing a squirrel around the living room and the kitchen. They eventually coaxed it back outside. They had birds flying around in the house, too. It's pretty hard to catch a chickadee. They never want to be caught.

I'm starting to get my room cleaned up, but I know it is going to take a really long time to do. I think that is the reason I've taken so long to start to do it. I know I sound like a pig in a sty, but I have been stressed lately with all this stuff. All I seem to want to do is sleep. I really wish I could hibernate. I wonder what squirrels dream of when they are hibernating. Maybe they dream about getting chased by other animals, or acorns. Peanuts, muffins... I really don't know. I wonder how many babies they have. I know that they build nests. A squirrel also steals nests from birds. I don't think they eat bird eggs, but I could be wrong. I think they only eat plants and seeds, stuff like that. Well, muffins too. But in nature there are no muffins just falling out of the sky. They are excellent little climbers. I often get them on my balcony. I'm up on the 8th floor so those little buggers have quite a grip. Rock-climbing for squirrels.

Anyways, I'd better get off this computer now. I have a bunch of things to do today.