I had a bad dream and it scared me. Not just the content, but what I feel is the meaning of the content. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I feel really depressed right now. I can't tell if it is about the dream or a combination of the dream and something else. I am getting a homesick feeling that I can't shake. I feel as though I am missing something in my life, something that I used to have. Something that I can't get back.
I've felt this way for a while now, but this time is different because it's lasting longer than it ever has before. I feel emotionally confused. I know I need something in my life that just isn't there and that I cannot have.
Few know about my situation. It's personal to some degree so I won't get into it. I'm just going to write around it to see if I can sort any of it out inside my messed up head. It doesn't help that I didn't take my medication yesterday.
I had an awful dream with the underlying theme of jealousy. I have to admit that I do get jealous, often. Too often. I hate that feeling. I wish that I never got jealous because I hate it so much. I hate that feeling with the passion, but once I feel jealous, it is hard to let it go. It sucks out all the energy from me to the point that anything I think, feel, or do has to do with jealousy. I guess it is wanting something that you don't have or wanting something you can't have. Well in this dream it was wanting something I couldn't have and will never have. It was something I had once upon a time, but something I will never have again, ever. Maybe knowing it was something I lost, makes me feel as though it is so important to have back in my life, and knowing that it was something that I will never have again, makes it that much more emotional.
I'm an emotional mess today. I don't know why I want this back. Is it because I know I can't have it again that makes me want it back? Or is it because I can't stand the thought of someone else having something that should have been mine? Jealousy is such an ugly emotion. I really hate feeling this way. I hate it so much that it depresses the hell out of me. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than feel like this. Sometimes other thoughts seep into my head and I ponder them. I can't let those thoughts take root because those dark thoughts would start to become ideas.
I've made a lot of bad decisions in my life. Pretty much one right after another. Jealousy mixed with remorse, with regret, with sorrow, and sadness... It all mixes into this depression and the anxiety worsens to the point that those thoughts keep returning, haunting me, laughing at me, torturing me just as these feelings of inferiority, of having lost, been defeated by my own past decisions. It seems to just hang above my head like a dark cloud, just following me everywhere. It just seems that each day, this load seems heavier and heavier until my back is breaking and I can't take it any longer.
Knowing that it was all my fault to begin with makes it so much worse to deal with, or try to deal with. I'm going to be afraid of going to sleep tonight just because I don't want to feel that way ever again. I'd rather be dead than have to deal with something as impossible to deal with such as that. I just can't get any control over my emotions which scares the crap out of me. Jealousy is the worst feeling that I've ever had. I know dreams are just dreams, but when feelings are that strong, I can't just shut them off or ignore them. I have to deal with this, but I don't know how. I've never known how and it just gets worse the more often it happens. I don't know what to do. Maybe I just need to go away for a while and just be alone to figure out what I really want and what is best. Just because I think I know what I want doesn't mean it is the best.
On days like these, I wish I could spend all day in the bathroom, just soaking in a hot bath, just to do something relaxing. I need to learn how to let these things go, but I can't. I seem to want to hold on for dear life to anything, everything, because I want to save anything and everything. Every shard of my life in hopes that it can be rebuilt. I doubt anything in my life can be rebuilt, especially the things I wish I could rebuild the exact way they used to be before everything started falling apart. I just hate feeling like the only way to put an end to this is to do something I probably wouldn't do, only wished I had no reasons not to do. Even though having more reasons not to do it would be a hell of a lot better than having no reasons not to do it. God! I don't want to keep feeling this way, but there isn't a hell of a lot I can do about it. I don't want this to consume me, but I'm afraid it has, and I'm not going to be the same. Nothing will be the same. I want to push people away, and be close to those I've already pushed away. It's much more than spending a whole day un-medicated. It's been building for the last two or three years now and I see it as an avalanche, gathering speed and amassing size. When does it all come tumbling down? It has to come to a stop eventually. I don't want to be buried in it. I can't outrun it. I can't stand in front of it and demand that it just stops. I wish I could start over again, right from the beginning, right from 7 years ago. I would have done everything differently.
I want to have a better life. I want to feel better about life. I want to stop having to take pills and stop feeling like shit for not taking them. I want a normal, healthy, happy, life. I want to be a normal healthy, happy person. I want to stop living my life on every failure I've ever had. I don't want to feel stuck or pressured into doing things just because I don't want to hurt someone else's feelings. I don't want to feel like I have to make the biggest decision of my life when I don't know what I want or need in order to make the right choices. I don't want to have to feel empty in order to make someone else feel whole. I'll never feel whole. I've screwed myself out of every chance I've ever had to be happy. Most of the time, I feel happy when I make someone else happy, but a lot of the time in order to make someone else happy, you have to sacrifice your own happiness. I've tried to make other people happy by ignoring what I've needed or wanted. I keep doing it and doing it because I think it is a good thing to do, but when I don't feel anything at all, I know I need to spend some time alone and stop trying to make everyone else happy. I just feel empty and nothing will ever be the same.
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