Always Guilty

Man, It's too early for me. I take the kitten into my room at night because I know he wakes up early and when he wakes up, he bounces around my room, and he jumps on my head. He purrs in my ear, but I don't mind that because usually when he does that, he's going to sleep.

Anyway, I got up to go to the bathroom and now he's awake. I wish I could give him something that would make him go back to sleep, but all he wants to do is play. He can be a pest, but I still love him. My son told me that he doesn't want 'the baby kitty' anymore because he still wants a dog.

I'm still really tired. Went to bed tonight without reading any of my book. I want to go back to sleep. I might put the kitten in the bathroom until I feel like waking up, in a couple more hours. Every week day is a long day for me because I have my son with me. I love him dearly, but he's getting to the age where he really tests me sometimes. For one thing, he can never just be quiet. He's always full of talk. That is all good, but it makes me look forward to his bedtime. And to mine.

I had a dream that I met his father's girlfriend and that she was everything I'm not. She was perfect and beautiful. I have a feeling he's seeing someone, but he already met my boyfriend so what is he hiding from me? I thought the same thing when I found a girl's number, once. We haven't dated in two years and we are pretty good friends. Well, we have to be because we have a kid together. I guess there is no law saying we HAVE TO be, but I guess I'm glad we're on good terms.

One of the reasons we broke up is because he wasn't going to marry me. Now I have the chance to get married, maybe in a couple of years, but when I think about it, I get scared. Maybe I like the way things are now and if things change too fast, I'll loose my freedom too fast. I always wanted to settle down, but maybe something is telling me that I'm not ready yet.

My boyfriend wants to get a house and move in together in the Spring. When I think about it, I get kind of homesick. I've lived here for almost 3 years now. I like new things, but they also scare me. I think I'm most afraid of moving in together and finding out that it might not work out and if it doesn't work out then I will feel extremely guilty about having gone along with it even though I was scared to do it in the first place.

I know I should talk to him about this stuff, but I'm too afraid to hurt his feelings. It seems as though he has our whole future already planned and I still want my freedom. If we move in together, I'm afraid of loosing my freedom. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to make more sacrifices than I'm ready to make. I wouldn't be able to go out on my own very much because my friends are mostly guys. He would want to come hang out with us but I need 'me' time. Rob is not interested in the things I do. We don't have much in common at all. That part bothers me, that we don't have much in common. We are basically opposites. Practically everything about our lives is the other way around. This is the major reason that I feel I can't really get close to him sometimes because I find it hard to relate. Of course he finds it hard to relate to me, but he'd never say so.

I wasn't going to write about any of this because I know he would be sensitive about it. Maybe this is the only way I could get it out. I've been trying to 'sleep on it', but maybe I keep waking up for a reason. I already have reasons to feel guilty, but I find myself giving myself even more reasons to feel guilty.