Well I thought that things were ok today. Well being what they are and knowing I have another graveyard shift. That's how I feel when I'm going home, like the walking dead.
Did some investigations. Do you believe in psychics? I went to a psychic a couple of times and I thought she was pretty accurate. What does accuracy have to do with anything? She gave me 5 letters in which would be the initials of the one I'm supposed to marry. I don't expect to get married. If I ever did, I'd probably believe in psychics. If any of the other stuff that is supposed to happens does, then I'll believe. All I have are these predictions that don't really mean much. I'm not in any hurry, but to have one sure thing in my life would be nice. I can't say if I'm actually getting anywhere. In the next 11 days I will have some opportunities and hopefully these unexpected events will be the kind of thing I need. Just something to spice things up.
Just down today. Probably not enough to eat or not enough sleep. The combination can really make me feel low. I better start taking care of myself because nobody else will do it. That's how I feel about work. I feel exploited because nobody else wants that shift. I don't blame them. I don't want it either but I have to take what I can get. Why does that apply to so many things?
I had a weird dream. I drempt of failure. It got to the point that I was going to give up in my dream and people who don't care about me in real life were trying to save me from doing something stupid. Sometimes I feel like everything is stupid. Does anything mean anything anymore?
I don't know why I went back to www.hotornot.com. I really don't know. I went from a 5.6 to a 5 today. I think only 2 people gave me a ten. I know I'm not a ten by any stretch of the imagination, but I see people on there who I would honestly give a 3 or 4 getting better ratings than I get. Maybe I should just give up on it. Who needs it? "Look at me! I'm a 10!" would say some skank in a thong. If I put a picture of myself posed like that I'd get my picture rejected and my account terminated. Seems that all the pretty girls always get what they want. It doesn't matter if I'm never going to be like them. At least I have a brain and I try to use it. I'm not saying I'm smart either. I'm just saying that it doesn't hurt to think.
I've had too much time to think. About current circumstances that don't even seem like they are real and won't be real to me until I actually meet him. And he never tells me anything about himself. He always tells me to ask him anything, so how about: "What the hell are you keeping from me?" How about that open ended question? So-called "Long Distance Relationships" never seem to work out for me. Well even local relationships never work out. I used to be so afraid of dying alone or being alone for the rest of my life. I'm sure it's no big deal. Isolation and Loneliness have become my closest friends. Maybe it's about time I embrace my fears rather than run from them. I mean acceptance is just not enough. To accept my fears and actually face them... That would be a feat and besides it's about time I did something. Maybe I should eat something.
3 comments:
1-10...all subjective...to one person you're a 10 to another you're a 0. it doesn't mean a heck of a lot.
I guess it doesn't really mean anything. Just means I have a very low self esteem and trying to seek validation where I will not get it.
Validation for what? Who needs to be validated? If you want, come on over and I'll stamp "VALID" on yer forehead if it'll make you feel better ;)
Seriously though ever hear the saying all that glitters is not gold?
I imagine a "10" on that site would be impossible to deal with and though he/she may look like a 10 they're probably a -11 on the personality scale...
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