Can't Trust Anyone

It's official. They all hate me and want me to fail. I thought I was doing alright, but today was the bombshell at work. They're moving me from the site. They'll probably fire me. I really hate working for that company. I told them I only had one pair of uniform pants and I needed to get them hemmed, but they ignored me. My boss laid into me when I got there. Yesterday was such a bad night and I was trying to keep my composure, but I couldn't. Everyone twisted my words around. Nobody got my point that I was trying to make:

It is less rude to ask someone to leave to have a private conversation than to have it right in front of them. Am I right? I have MY private conversations in PRIVATE. Nobody needs to hear my business.

Last night, four of the male guards were talking about girls all night. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and I told them that, but they were saying: "We weren't talking to you." I knew they weren't talking to me and it was none of my business but I'm standing right there. I can't pretend not to hear it if I do. I'm the kind of person who will say something if I get offended. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. I can't just pretend that it doesn't bother me when it does.

One of the guys made a mistake at work. Potentially a really big mistake. He didn't get the third degree. Of course not. He's a guy. They don't get dumped on. It's on thing to have certain expectations at work. If I'm supposed to keep my personal life seperate from work then they should follow the same rules. Nobody lays into them. They get the benefit of the doubt.

Yes, I'm stressed out today. I'm really losing it today. I couldn't keep my composure today if it meant saving my life. I know I have to be strong and do everything to make everyone else happy, but I'm not happy. I'm just not. I try to be. I force myself to smile. I tell myself that I don't care. I try so hard. Nothing I ever do is good enough. I'm just going to tie up all the lose ends and runaway. It's all I've ever been able to do. I can't face it. I can't face anyone these days. I can't even face myself or my fear of failure.

Do you ever feel like you are at the end of your rope? That one more drop in the bucket ends up becoming a tidal wave? Am I the only one who feels like giving up? I just want to start over again. I really have to just leave town. I've thought about it so many times. I just can't seem to find anything that I'm really good at. I can't handle it. I really thought that I was ready, but I'm not. I know that. I just can't afford to get canned. I have a kid. God, I feel like a kid. I feel like nobody gives me a chance to grow. They just keep pushing all my mistakes in my face. I feel like I'm trapped because it seems that I can never get anywhere in my life. People love to see me fail. It makes them happy I guess. It makes them feel like they are better than me. It makes them feel better about being assh*les. It sort of gives them an excuse in a way.

I don't feel like anyone listens to me. I can't trust anyone. Every time I say anything, it goes around and before I know it, I have to defend myself against slander. People take one sentence and put it in a completely different context. I can't say or do anything right. I live in this glass house where everyone keeps watching me. I'm like an animal in a cage, desperately trying to claw my way out. There is a way out. I know. I've been thinking about it. Maybe thinking about it a little too much for my own good. Maybe that's the reason I'm sitting here right now. I'm afraid to go home to an empty apartment. I'm afraid of being by myself today. I'm afraid that temptation will try to lure me to a place that I can't say that I belong in.

I have to tell myself that I have potential. I have to tell myself that I deserve a chance at this, at anything. I have to keep telling myself so many things. The problem is that I don't believe any of the things I tell myself. I never felt good enough. I've always felt that I could never meet anyone's expectations. I can't meet my own damn expectations. I'm tired of being expected to take on the world and be strong when I don't know how. I've had to be strong before, for so many different reasons. I just don't think I can take much more of this. I really don't think I can make it through the night if I have to be alone. I know I need time on my own, but I can't stand being by myself. It hurts to be alone.

I wish there was a way to make my life easier. I really wish that there was a way to forget about everything. I'm tired of feeling nothing. Emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness, fear..... All of it rolled into one big mass of confusion. Sometimes I just want to walk away. I know my problems will follow me no matter where I go. The only way to get through it..... I hate thinking like that. I hate thinking that there's only one option. I hate thinking that nobody cares. That this is just some pity trip, it's not. It's all real. So are the thoughts going through my head. Then I think: What if? What if there's someone who cares? What if I don't have to make another attempt and fail like I did before? What if there was a method to my madness? What if I could just sprout wings and fly away? What if I was pretty? What if I was the kind of girl every guy dreamed of? What if I could just step into the bright sunlight and sit in the park with a bottle of booze? I think it might be high time to go visit a few of my old friends. Maybe that will make me feel better. Maybe I should go back to my old ways, but then I think about why I left that all behind, about why I knew I could never go back, about what that had done to me. It made me stronger. Made me less ignorant. A tad less ignorant. Nobody's perfect.

Back in those days I had my freedom and I didn't care about my life. I didn't care because nobody else cared. The friends I made back then would never judge me. It was all non judgemental. They accepted me with all my flaws and faults. They made me feel good about myself. The only thing is that I got too proud of that life style, that toughness. I got too carried away because I thought every summer would last forever. I thought there was nothing wrong with living like that. I didn't care that they thought I was just another tramp. I still don't. I still feel like a tramp. I still feel like a street kid. I still feel like running away. The thought is so tempting. Just to leave Ottawa for good and never come back, but I know that I'd have to come back. I have a few reasons to come back.

I just need to forget it. I just need to tell all those people who hate me to go f*ck themselves. What I really need is to get drunk and sleep for more than 4 hours.

Why do they expect me to be God? I'm not. I can't just be everything to everyone. I can't do it. Why do they expect so much of me? Especially when they know that I'm trying to catch up with everyone else? Why do people expect me to be perfect? I'm not! I'm not a fairy godmother. I'm not a magician. I can't pull a rabbit out of my hat. I have no magic wand. I'm doing the best I can. I know I made mistakes and I'm upset with mysef, not anyone else. Of course I can't tell them that. That's what they think: That I'm trying to blame them. How can I blame them when it is my fault? My shortcomings are MY fault. Even though I had nobody to teach me how to take control over my life, I think that I'm doing the best that I can. People will say and do whatever they want to get whatever they want. What they want is to see me react and lose my job. I know that I can't show them that it bothers me. what bothers me is knowing that they will always get away with saying whatever they want about me, putting words in my mouth, and there is f*ck all I can do about it. That's life and I'm sick of living it. Yes, there are some good things in life but a lot of people never get what they deserve (good or bad).