Life is complicated these days. Ok, so I'm a little down today but I have good reasons. It's been 10 years and it still feels like I got the news today. I still feel like that 12 year old girl, ready to feed the dog and her mother comes into the kitchen wanting to talk to me with such urgency that she couldn't even wait for me to put the food in the bowl. I remember it so clearly. I remember staring into the television and saying: "I knew it was going to happen"... I just knew it. That's when the dream I had made sense. I knew what it all meant. It meant that my life was never going to be the same again and it never will.
Even back before then, I had thought about it. I thought that it would be so easy, that I could get away with it. I know that I can't do it, even though he did it and got away with it. I know that I'm like him in so many ways, I just know it. I can't tell for sure, but I know we had the same mindset. All the things that I don't have in common with my mother, I must have in common with my father.
I attempted to give myself another tattoo today. It looks like crap, but we'll see what it looks like when it heals. It was either that or get really drunk and since I can't afford to even have one drink tonight, I guess I'll settle for the crude tattoo. I just know what people will say about it, knowing that I did it myself. I don't think of it as self mutilation. I just think of it as an attempt to cope with a really messed up day.
My job has me on the edge. I'm still in training, but my boss is on the verge of firing me already. She can be a real b*tch. Everyone has told me that about her. Well, I'm thinking about looking else where for another job in my field. But I really have to stay here and ride it out until I get something else. I can't afford not to have a plan.
Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. Well, if you consider a few months a long time. To me, it's been a while.
Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. I really don't know. I know that I've been walking around aimlessly, blindfolded. I refuse to see the truth: That I'm better off that I used to be and that I'm better off than a lot of people. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have to tell myself that more often so I don't forget.
My Aunt is still in the hospital, but her therapy is going well. I can't believe that it will be a year in July since she had her stroke. Everyone was worried about her. My cousin is coming back to Ottawa to help her mom. I haven't seen her since I was 12 or 14. I feel partially responsible for her leaving because of all the stuff I didn't tell her about my family and she had to learn the hard way. She had to learn the secret and I'm so sorry she ever had to find out that way. If I had told my mom that I would look after my brothers that night, she wouldn't have had to see that. I made it a little bit easier by calling the cops. She was so scared. That was the first time she had seen such violence. I really feel bad about that, even though there was no way of knowing it was going to happen that night. Valentine's Day for crying out loud.... And my mother still married the guy. I won't get into details, but you kind of get the picture.
That's one of the reasons I left home so early. I couldn't put up with it anymore. That and there was the ultimatum: My step-father or me. My mother chose him and I hope one day she can take the blindfold off and see the truth she refuses to see. I know that she won't leave him. She talked about it, but that was only hotair. Something she is full of, and bullsh*t too. She keeps telling me things have changed, but my brother has to deal with all of it. Since he is the only one left of 3 kids, he has to take it all. He's going to leave home at 16. I was 16 when I got my own place. I had to wait it out for 3 years bouncing from place to place. The only thing is that I knew where I would end up if I didn't stick to the right path. Sometimes I wonder if the path I'm on is the right path, but nobody ever knows for sure and they never will.
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