Getting Over All of It

I really wish things could be easier, but wishes don't come true.

I really wish I hadn't lost my wallet, but now I need new ID

I really wish I had my old ID so that I can apply for a new job.

This job is at the tips of my fingers, but it is slipping away fast and I don't know how much longer I can last.

I need to get my library fines back down so I can actually use my new library card.
They won't even let me use the computer there. It's insane.

I went to the military recruitment centre today and got an application form.
I know that:

I have a long way to go before I am ready to enlist in the military
I have to develop essential skills
I have to control my emotions
I have to control my temper
I have to take more responsibility for my life...

I have been under the trip wire. One wrong move can cost me. It already has.
I knew I wasn't happy working there.
I knew I wasn't happy being a Janitor and telling people what I did for a living.
I knew I wasn't happy with myself (not just my appearance)... Everything I lacked.

I want a career that others have respect for. I want to be respected and taken seriously.
I want to BE confident, I want to BE happy (for once in my life)...
I thought I was happy, but I was faking it.
I thought I was ready, but I was faking it.
I thought I had control... I lost it like I lost my mind. AND my ID
Maybe I lost control because I lost my ID

Everything worth doing needs to be taken seriously and I really need to start building my confidence back up. When I graduated college, I had some confidence, but after I started working in a dead end job, I lost it.

It's harder to get to where I want to be because I don't know how to get there. There is nobody to stop and ask for directions because I have to do it all on my own. Nobody wants to help someone who doesn't even want to help themselves.

It finally happened. I got an appology, but it still means nothing. All it means is that he didn't learn because he asked me for something casual even after I thought I had made it very clear that nobody will buy a cow if they get milk for free. The truth is, he got what he wanted (I learned a lesson: no matter how bad you want to believe that there is someone out there to trust, you can't trust anyone). He got what he wanted and he was done with me. I made it too easy and when he realized it was too easy, he wanted something he couldn't have. When he realized he couldn't have what he wanted, he came back to me. He's still never going to sleep with me. I cannot trust a guy to ever give myself to him unless I get married which is really a mirage. A damn mirage.

I saw pictures of couples on their wedding day, looking so fulfilled, so in love.

The bride will never be me so I may as well accept it because that will never change.

I cried like a stupid fool. I'm only fooling myself by believing in the impossible.