I had a long talk today and what I heard made sense. It made me feel a bit better even though I have no hope ever dating again. I spilled my guts out. It wasn't pretty, but at least someone sat and listened to me. I really needed that. Sometimes I don't know what I really need. I think it might be something easy when it's something difficult or I think it's difficult when it's really easy.
I can't keep doing this to myself. I mean, geez... I have been in worse situations before when I was completely alone in the middle of nowhere and I didn't even have a dime to make a call. I just have to be careful. I am so hard on myself because failure has always been my down fall. I've always feel like I have to keep on top of everything and when it becomes too much, I get scared, I get overwhelmed.... And then when I become overwhelmed, everything is lost and that means I have failed. The fear of failure initiates the feeling of being overwhelmed. I don't know how to deal with that.
Another problem is that I don't know how to deal with any of it. I mean look at it like you're skiing down a hill. You are going too fast, you can't slow down, one or both skis are going to come off and there are trees all around you. You know that you will or will not survive based on how steep the hill is. Sometimes the hill is no bigger than an ant hill and the problem can easily be dealt with, but when it's a mountain that just seems to get bigger the further you climb.
Whether it's mountain climbing or skiing, there's still a mountain and every time the clouds clear, you realize that you are nowhere near the top and there is nowhere you can stop and take a break. There are no breaks, there are no pit stops.... If you have to piss, you have to piss your snow gear and keep going. Like those guys who do Le Tour De France on the bikes, they can't stop to piss, or can they?
Well at least I got to do one thing that I've wanted to do for a long time.
I don't think it meant as much to him
As it did to me
But at least I don't feel cheap after that
At least I didn't have to give him a piece of me
To lose another piece of myself
Would mean there is nothing
Left
2 comments:
Is it about a hidden desire for a sexual or even just a friend who would be there for everything. One step closer to being dating or married, but not with all the quams.
Wow...You ARE hard on yourself. Perhaps things would change if you weren't so hard on yourself. Beating yourself up over something will never help you feel better...you know you better then anyone else will which means you know how to hurt yourself more the anyone else will..
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