As soon as we got home, I put him in his bed. It's the only thing I can do for now. I need a break from him so badly. I don't want him to feel like his bedroom is a bad place, because it is his room, but I can't spank him (nor would I) and I have to nip this "shut up" in the bud. It's getting really bad. I don't want my kid to be a terror. I want him to listen to me and respect me. I'm ready to pull my hair out and scream after the day is done. Then I count down the hours until he goes to bed and I finally have some time to sit and read my book, write, do something.
I am just emotionally spent. I don't even want to feel anything anymore. I feel angry, tired, alone, frustrated. I can't help it. If I worry any more I will be making myself ill. Worrying about bringing up my kid right, worrying about not having any money.... I have been so broke lately. I was really counting on getting two cheques from the government. Not social assistance, I don't want to be on social assistance, but my GST and my CTC cheques. I never got them. Every time I call the 1-800 number it's busy. I was counting on that money to help pay my bills and my rent. I have been scrimping and penny pinching... I have been borrowing money left, right, and center. I'm afraid that most of the money from my first pay cheque is going to go towards paying my debts. I still have my student loans to start paying back (soon). I feel so trapped, like I'm backed into a corner and there is no way out of it. If it wasn't for starting this job on Friday, I would be so lost. I wish it was easier, but it's not. I can only hope for it to get a little bit easier. As days go by...
I just have to be thankful of what I have and stop worrying so much about the things I don't have.
I have a healthy kid. Dealing with the stress of a sick child on top of all of this would send me off the deep end.
I have my own health.
I have a roof over my head.
I have a bed to sleep in.
I have clean water to drink.
I have food to eat (although I can't buy any more because I'm broke)
I have some essentials like toilet paper...
I have clothes on my back
I have a few friends to talk to
I have so much more than some people and I take it for granted most days.
I have dealt with what today had to throw at me.
I think I'll let tomorrow deal with itself.
Today, I got on the bus and paid the fare in dimes. The driver gave me a day pass so I could ride the bus for free all day. However, I only had to go to Centrepointe to pick up Daniel and take him home. I could have used a day pass for tomorrow. It really is the thought that counts. When I got off the bus, I thanked the driver and he gave me a wink and I smiled. It was a nice warm feeling knowing that someone was nice enough to do something nice for me. Something so unexpected. It made me feel good. I wanted to cry. I don't know if it was because I was happy that he had done something nice for me or I wanted to cry to get everything out. I wish I could get everything out. I just don't know how.
7 comments:
WOW. What a frustrating blog.
Parents all go through this, but THOSE days, when they come up are so frustrating.
The public fits are never fun. They make you feel like a crappy parent. One comfort you can take is that other parents have gone through this too, so they can relate.
The "shut up" thing concerns me, though. That's obviously a learned thing, and from your post I don't think it comes from you. To "nip this in the bud", as you say, the source has to be treated. Whomever verbally says words that aren't swearing, but aren't nice (Ex: Stupid, Shut up, get lost) need to know that it is not right. TV tends to be a bad influence that way too, sometimes.
I'm all about respect, as Uncle Sean can confirm. Katherine respects me because I never lose my cool with her. When she has fits (and she does), we talk about it when she calms down. Eye contact, a firm, but loving voice, reprecussions if it happens again and a hug to end it.
You have to remember as well that he is at THAT age. 2 1/2 years old = fits and TESTING YOUR RESOLVE. They all do it. This is where they see how much they can get away with.
Sorry to be long-winded....but it also helps to have a strong base to help you too. Everybody in contact with Daniel should follow the same rules.
I'm not with Katherine's mom. We split up 2+ years ago. But we are on the same page for treatment. It's the same there as it is with me. We communicate problems or concerns and even though there is no love between us, there is lots of respect.
I am pretty sure Daniel either learned it from Day Care or from my Mother's house. I'm frustrated because he has been using it so often lately. I told his father and all his father does is laugh. He thinks it is funny and he doesn't have half of the parental responsibilities as I do. We aren't together anymore, but we live together for financial reasons. His son listens to and respects him, but he doesn't talk to his son to tell him that behaviour like that is unacceptable. He leaves me to deal with everything....
Sean confirms: Jamie's all about respect ;);)
And actually, Katherine is a great kid so Jamie must be doing something right.
Bleeping right she is, Uncle Sean!
The disconnect is with dad. He thinks this is a joke. To me, nothing is scarier than a young child who says such things and the parents think it is funny.
It seems that Dad doesn't pull his weight...nor will he. I say this in the most respectful way, Canadian Chick, but you're situation is not the most normal. For financial reasons, you HAVE to live with this guy, thus removing all responsibilities. He can get away with not doing jack, because you will.
I hate to say this, but you maybe need to prepare to go it on your own (not my business, but advice). Not immediately, but soon. You have a job now...good. Think of it this way....if you have joint custody (I have that...split even) then you will have half the week to yourself to relax, find a partner, read or contemplate your navel if you wish.
Point is, you won't have to pick up after 3 people, just two for half a week. Also, it removes him from your private life (from what I see, you NEED a private life...think about it...you don't have one with him there) somthing that may make it unecessary to take medication to feel happy.
I went through HELL too. I know what it is like to make sacrifices for the right reasons. I almost died a year and a half ago because I was unhealthy and got menningitis from the mold in my apartment. I had split with my wife and thought that I had to see my daughter every night, so I would go to her mom's house because I didn't want her to see how I lived. My ex didn't have a private life (a chance to move on) and my girlfriend was insecure (rightfully so) because I was always there. I thought I was doing the right thing. I wasn't.
I am being long-winded here because I have been in your shoes and I think it is time you improve your life as I did. You and Daniel can have a nice little place and Dad can pick him up on his days, giving you a chance to BREATHE.
Maybe it is time to start depending on just you.
I always say that if something happens to me, I know how to take care of myself first & foremost. I think you KNOW what I am talking about. Not having anybody to depend on makes you stronger.
And then you find someone with whom you let your guard down. Eventually, you depend on them. Then, lo & behold, they abuse of it. This guy KNOWS you depend on him, so he does nothing because that is his card against you.
Change is hard. REALLY HARD. Sometimes it takes a while to adjust. I know too.
Anyway, I wasn't implying that you should move out tomorrow...but for your sanity, maybe you need to start taking the necessary steps to making it happen. Getting a job is a start! You've already done that! Good on you. You're a step closer already.
Move up the ladder. Get promotions. Get raises. Become self-reliant.
I shouldn't be giving such advice, as I don't even know you, but I have also felt the need to help my fellow human...especially ones who are living what I did.
I know you mean well by giving advice. It does help knowing that other people have already been through what I am going through now. Not the EXACT same, but close enough. I have known what I need to do for a while and I don't know why I hadn't started a long time ago.
I don't expect you to understand and I can't explain the whole thing because we are still strangers. I appreciate your visits, your comments, and your advice.
I know that it will take a while, but I'm hoping to be financially stable by the time I am ready to go my own way.
I'm sure you would understand more if you knew all the facts and circumstances, but they are not all that important. I don't suspect that you are the type of person to judge anyone.
Sometimes it is hard to say what I have on my mind. It seems that I can't find the words I want to express myself.
I guess to sum it all up, Thanks would be the word. Thank you, Jamie.
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