It's a Strange Day

I woke up to my ex boyfriend opening my bedroom door saying: "In case you are looking for Oscar, he died. I put him in a box." I was still half asleep and I asked: "He died?" I still can't believe it. I have told a few people. I used the words, but those words still seem strange.

When I got Daniel up and ready for breakfast, he looked at me and asked: "Where kitty go?" All I could tell him was that Oscar was gone. I couldn't tell him that he had died. You can't explain death to a two and a half year old child. Especially when you're talking about their favorite pet. Oscar would lay beside Daniel when I brought him home from the hospital after he was born. When I told him that Oscar was gone. He said: "No!" And he started to cry momentarily.

When I brought Daniel his breakfast, he said: "Oscar gone" and he kept repeating it until I said: "Yes, Oscar is gone". Kids keep repeating things. The things that they just learn.

It has been a strange day, but I start work on Friday. I just hope it will be enough to get my mind off all the stuff that I have been going through the last couple of weeks. When I am alone, all I can think of is a bunch of crap from a long time ago. A lot of stuff that isn't worth thinking about. All these things keep pouring into my mind. I ran out of medication and I don't have any for today. I know that I'm not supposed to stop taking it, and I know that I need it. I will have to try to get some more tomorrow. I don't like having to take pills. They only help short term. It's not going to heal these wounds. It's just a band-aid. I have to get better on my own. That is why I know that I'm not ready to start dating, because of this stuff I'm going through. It is hard to go through it alone. Not being able to talk to anyone about it because who would understand? I am the one going through it, living with it day after day, and I don't even understand it. It is going to take time. I just wish that I could find a way to deal with it, more permanently.