Taking A Break From The Internet

I'm taking a break from the internet. There are many problems in my life that started when I started using the internet. I thought it would be an easy way to meet guys, or a guy who actualy wanted to be with me so I went on a dating site and met someone who I thought was sincere. Guys on the internet aren't sincere. Not when it comes to dating. Guys want sex and that's the only thing they want. That's all they're ever going to want from me.

I've done a lot of thinking. I don't need MSN for companionship. I don't need Yahoo. I went on those for years. I found guys who'd tell me what I wanted to hear, things that made me feel good: "you're hot, you're pretty, you're sexy..." All lies aimed to getting me into bed. I realize that NOW, if I had realized that THEN, I might not hate myself for being so stupid as to fall for that same sh*t time after time. I am stupid, and I admit that. I was stupid to think that there was a guy out there who'd actually love me.... God, what a crock of sh*t that is! Some stupid fairy tale belief. Guys want sex. They put too much emphasis on sex. If a girl doesn't spread her legs apparently she's not worth it. Be a good girl, give them what they want... I've tried and now I feel like the biggest wh*re.

I don't know why I started this blog. I wanted to show everyone that I can be honest, that I wasn't ashamed of my feelings, that I could admit to things about myself that others wouldn't admit about themselves. I wanted to get all these words out. I wanted to reach out to one person and show them that there were other people as messed up, I am messed up. I am ashamed of it, but I have to accept it at the same time.

I'm going to write a few more enteries and once I'm booted off the server, I'm pretty much done with it. It's been going well lately, I even got a few regular readers and commenters, but that doesn't mean that the internet is going to stop being a problem for me. As long as I keep using it, I'm going to believe that there is still someone out there for me. There's always going to be mistakes coming back to bite me in the ass. Pictures I sent will come back to haunt me once I get my life turned around. They say pictures are worth a thousand words. Well, the nature of the picture will determine the nature of those words and the nature of the emotions those words will evoke.

I can't sleep. If I ever get to sleep again, it will be a place that I won't want to leave. This has been my escape for so long, over a year. All I have left are my dreams. They are a place that I can't get hurt, where I can't hurt myself. One day the pain will just stop, but until then, the next day is just another day that I have to do the same sh*t all over again and add to my notions of the world and how it seems to work or fall apart, whatever seems to happen these days. I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying so hard and getting nothing in return. I'm tired of looking for something I may never find. I'm just tired of looking in the mirror at this stupid girl who has all these faults that I despise so much. I'm tired of trying to be happy and pretending that everything will magically get better eventually, because it won't. Not yet.

You might say that the reason things aren't getting better is because I keep thinking this way. When things do seem to get better, I realize that they are still the same and it is disappointing. Not only because things are still the same, but because I allowed myself to believe that things were finally changing. They don't change. You might say, things change if you let them change or if you make them change. You might say, the pain will go away if you let it or make it go away, but the problems are never going to stop popping up at you. There are always going to be obstacles that are going to prevent you from taking the next step. What happens if you so desperately want to move on with your life and there seems to be no opportunities? Then what? Are you supposed to sit there and think about how pathetic your life has become? Probably not. People still do it. Should I be one of those people? Probably not. It's hard not to do what everyone else is doing. Just because ten people jump off a bridge doesn't mean you should or that I should, but why are there ten people? Why not just the one person? Why is there anyone jumping off the bridge at all? Why are there people out there telling themselves they are ugly and fat and that nobody is going to love them? Why are there people telling others what they want to hear when it doesn't even mean anything? Why do they say those things when they don't mean them? Why do people get sucked into that and end up feeling so stupid and hating themselves for wanting to find love so badly? Nobody knows. If there were answers to every question maybe there wouldn't be people asking questions? Maybe people would just know the truth at all times. Maybe people would just accept themselves for who they are and not continuously doubt themselves. Maybe people would just accept life the way it is, as messed up as it is.