I Feel so Relaxed, tonight was great

I had such a great night tonight. I'm not going to go into details because that is something for my journal. It's weird how I write more on my blog than I do in my journal these days. I haven't been working on my book for a long time. I will still have a chance to, soon.

I lucked out. Found a guy who seems to be sincere. I feel good about this. It's still early to tell, but so far so good. He likes me alot, and I don't feel insecure about myself when I'm with him. All the little things don't matter when we are together.

One thing is, that we come from opposite ends of the spectrum. I'm not sure what he will think when he meets my family. I'm not sure what his family will think when they meet me. The worse case scenario is that his family will hate me and that they will hate my family.

When I got there, I can't even describe it. Roses in every room. Very different from anything I had ever known. The neighbourhood where I live in, is completely different. It should be a hint to my lifestyle. Maybe a gimpse into where I've lived in the past. If he only knew, this dream would be over. It seems like a dream. It seems like I'm dreaming. Would he understand? Would he be scared? Would he leave and never look back? If he knew, if he saw... I am ashamed, but I want to change. If I got the opportunity to explain, how could I find the words?

I tried to tell him tonight about my father, but I couldn't tell him what he had done. I couldn't tell him what I have to keep to myself. I have to keep it in because nobody would understand. I have told people before and I get pretty much the same reaction. "Sorry to hear that..." Once I told someone and they turned around and told me: "No wonder why." Just like that. Most people don't want to talk about it. I told him that I don't talk to my father's side of the family except for my Uncle sometimes and even when I talk to him it is awkward. I know that he doesn't want to hurt me by telling me he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He gave me that guitar and I want to learn how to play it.

Maybe he would understand if he could see it. I don't know if he'd still want to be with me. If I took him to meet my family, he'd see my mother's house that she can barely afford to rent. He'd see two cars in the laneway, but he'd see two rusted, dilapitated pieces of sh*t that don't even run anymore that he been rusting in the same spot for atleast 3 years. My mother doesn't want to get rid of them. She always puts things off. She doesn't have a birth cirtificate for her kids and they don't have them.

My brother is old enough to work, but he has no ambition to get his own identification to get a job. I took him in when he was 16 and within the first week he was with me, he stole my grandmother's car and was caught driving it without a licence. He got a fine for over 3 hundred dollars which he has to pay to get his G1. He stole money from me and of course he denies it. I caught him stealing. I had something in my underwear drawyer and he went in there and stole it. I think he was trying to sell it to get some money. He most have wanted the money bad ebough to go through my underwear drawyer to get it. He also took the key to my grandmother's place and was stealing from my grandmother. He stole quite a bit of money from her including one and two dollar bills that my grandmother was saving because they might be worth something one day. My mother took my brother back after he screwed up this bad and hasn't punished him for any of the things he's done. If I had done this stuff, she'd be pissed with me. I haven't lived with her for years because we didn't get along. I just hate how spoiled my brother are. I've always hated that and because they get what they want, they won't know what it is going to be like in the real world. My mom shouldn't have taken him back. He should have learned a lesson like I did. Being on your own at a young age teaches a person a sense of responsibility. It also teaches people about respect and loyalty.

Anyway, as I was saying, will he still want to be with me when he finds out that we come from different families and lifestyles? Only time will tell.