My Mind Is Wandering....

I wish I could turn all the thoughts off. All these crazy thoughts in my head. I wish there was a switch where I could just turn it all off. I don't know why. I keep thinking of things that won't happen. One of my big problems is that I get attached too easily. When a guy pays attention to me, for example, I start thinking all these wildly crazy thoughts. I start thinking that the guy is interested in me. Then I realize that I don't know the guy. He doesn't know me. It's just one of those random things. Just because I am getting a little more attention than what I am used to (which would be none at all) doesn't mean that there is any specific reason for it. Just because I get an email, or a compliment, doesn't mean there is a reason for it. I guess I am really not used to it. I start becoming excited, I start thinking of things that would never happen. It's strange. I'm strange. It's one of those things I really have to work on.

Words are just words. It doesn't mean that there are emotions attached to words. The more I read, the more I think. Maybe I'm just confused. Maybe I should just forget about it. There are so many things that I wish I could forget about. A lot of stuff has been flooding into my mind. Stuff from when I was a kid. Stuff that I would be better off pretending never happened. I have to tell myself that it never happened. If I keep telling myself that it never happened, then I might be able to believe the lies I tell myself to preserve my sanity.

I know that my posts sound really depressing. It is something that I have to work through. I have been writing about it. It helps to just get it out. It's hard because there is a lot that I can't write about. I don't know if it would come out wrong if I tried to write it, or maybe it is not the right time to let it out. That is why I am writing the book. It probably won't get published, but atleast I can try. I might work on it tonight. Maybe tomorrow night. I have so much to do tonight to get ready for tomorrow. I'm going to get caught up on it. Just to finish it would be such a great feeling. Just to know that my story is out there. The Book of Me. I think that is what I might name it, but I have another idea in mind.

Lastnight I got the guitar out and I played it for a little while. I took a walk, I came up with some pretty good lyrics. I've always wanted to write a song or two. I used to have a book full of just lyrics. A rhythm would just come into my head and the words would eventually come. I'd sing when nobody was around. I don't like when people hear me sing. I need practice. I also need confidence.

I'm tired, and I have to go out into the darkness. It is something I know I must do. I have to go alone, although I wish someone would go with me. I keep playing that song: "I walk alone". My shadow IS the only one that walks beside me... I guess I think all these crazy thought because I have been lonely and I had been craving the attention for so long now. I guess I don't know how to respond. I can't even turn off these thoughts in my head as I sleep. I only wake up to hear what nobody so alone wants to hear. It really gets me thinking: When is my turn? When do I get that? The answer is someday. One day. I am only lonely because I allow myself to feel alone. I could have what I was after, but the problem is that I want so much more than that one aspect. Every time I look for it, that's all I can find, but I know that I'm worth more than that.