Thinking Too Much

I made a promise that I couldn't keep. As you may know from reading my posts, I am an emotional person. I get attached to people easily, especially when they show interest in me or pay attention to me. I thought he was starting to change his mind about me, but he didn't. He doesn't want to be with me. He made that clear. Yes, it does hurt, but that is what I get for wearing my heart on my sleeve. I always fall for guys who would never fall for me. I have to get over him. He is probably not the one for me. I have to keep telling myself that he isn't the one for me... That is the only way I can stop thinking of him. It hurts too much to think of him. I wanted to be with him... Why do I always do this to myself?

It seems that I attract guys who are not my type. I don't know why I do that. It just happens that way. I'm just going to leave him alone and he will get the hint. I have wasted my time persuing something that could never be. I invested too much hope into something that never was. One day it will happen and it will change my life. I am going to stop trying. I'm tired. I stayed up all night waiting. Waiting to hear the truth. The truth hurts when you don't want to hear it. Maybe I wanted him to lie to me. I wanted to believe that my dreams were going to come true. I couldn't sleep. when I finally got to sleep, it was time to get up and start the day. I cried. It hurts. Knowing that I wasted my time, it hurts. He doesn't want me, but could anyone ever want me? Could they accept my past and actually love me? I doubt it. I doubt anyone could ever love me. I have doubted it all along. I know I should be confident, but how can I be confident and have faith in the future when all that I have ever wanted just keeps slipping through my fingers?

One day it will happen. It will be worth all the pain and confusion that I feel now. I thought that if I just waited, that his feelings would change. How can I expect anyone to change when I can't change? Even if my dreams were to come true today, I know that I'm not ready for it. I know I am not ready because I have a long road ahead of me. I don't want to walk that road by myself, but I must prepare to be alone for some time to come. I need to develop some skills and learn how to manage my time. I need to see the good there is in me and let others see it, too. I need to be happy with myself and where I am in life. I need to be confident... I need to be patient. I will have to wait the rest of my life. Just because someone comes into my life, doesn't mean that they are the right person. I have to remember that. I have to keep telling myself that I'm not a bad person, that all I need is to do some work to get to where I need to be. Maybe it will be appreciated. Maybe I will be appreciated. One day I will know what passion is, what romance and love really is. I may be a fool to think that these exist. I may be a fool for trying as hard as I had been. I may be a fool for falling for that guy when I knew I had no chance. I kept trying anyway. I tried too hard and still I got nowhere. I am going to take some time for myself. If he doesn't want me, that is his tough luck because I know that I could be good to him if he'd only let me. I know that I could take care of him if he'd only let me... His loss, not mine.

I have to focus on taking care of myself. I really do need to get things straightened out in my life. When I have it all together, I will be ready to fall in love with someone who is willing to accept me for who I am and who will love me no matter what I have done. I know that it will take a very long time. I have the rest of my life to wait and to fix things. I have the rest of my life to become the person I have wanted to be for so long. Maybe when he sees that I am getting my life together, maybe he will be sorry that he didn't want to be with me. I don't even care if he wants to be with me or not. I am through with crying over him. I am through with feeling so lonely and empty. I don't have to feel like this. I can refuse to feel like this. I think that it would be in my best interest if I did refuse to feel rejected. I should have rejected him. Now I know what he is really after. The same thing that all guys are after when they pay the slightest bit of attention to me. They are only looking for mischief. Nothing more. I want more than a one night stand. I deserve more than an intimate encounter. I deserve to be loved the way I have always wanted to be loved. I think I do deserve passion and romance because everyone needs it in their lives. I don't know what it feels like. I can only imagine what love is because I have never been in love. I might never be in love. I can only keep dreaming and maybe one day my dreams will come true.