Last night my dreams were so real. I pretended that I righted wrongs by imagining the way things happened instead of how they really happened. It makes it easier to accept and move on from. I shouldn't be ashamed because it could have been worse. I could have handled the whole thing better, but I could have made it worse. I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't the one doing the robbing or the fighting. It was my fault for what happened to me, but it wasn't my fault for what happened to them. One of these days it will all turn around. I am just glad I realized the reasons I left that place in my life. I never belonged there because I've always had ambitions. I've always had some reason not to fall into that trap. Back then, it was easier. I could take it, I was stronger. I have gotten used to not having to watch my back because not everyone is out to get me. I know they have their reasons, but I have tried to be considerate. I have been trying to tolerate and and accept people's darker sides while not reflecting them. It is hard to do, but not everyone has values, ethics, and morals. Especially when they were never taught.
I am reminded of criminology class. We had so many discussions on the theory of nature v.s nurture. Are they naturally crime prone? Or is it something learned, coming from the environment in which we live? It is hard to say how the personality evolves. Maybe it is one more than the other, maybe it is both. It is likely impossible to discern a specific cause of criminal intent. There are so many factors and so many theories that are hard to prove. Although a lot of the theories are interesting and really give you something to think about.
I have a feeling that today is going to be a productive day. I am finally feeling better so I might go jogging tonight. Otherwise I will just take some time for myself and do something relaxing. I have all weekend to relax and not worry about next week. I am still trying to figure stuff out about some issues, but with time everything seems to work itself out. Things can always be worse and that is what I have to keep telling myself. Besides I can't start worrying about things because you never know what could happen. Everything adds up to something no matter how small it seems. That's because it's like a piece of a puzzle, you can only see the big picture when you have got it all together... Most people will never get it all together because there are so many pieces to put together and they never fit right away. Most of the pieces are missing. Some pieces you have to earn, others just come with time. Besides, how easy can it be to put a puzzle together when you can't look at the picture on the box?! Think of it this way, it's like putting a puzzle together without knowing what it's supposed to look like while you are sitting in the dark. It can take a lifetime.
I was talking to someone about how life seemed like the movie: The Truman Show. How it is like that for everyone. The only audience is GOD, or that higher spiritual being or power that you believe in and get strength from. It's like that movie because everything seems so pre - arranged. I'm not talking about the unexpected shocking (traumatic) events, just the daily things that we don't seem to notice. Like a car driving by or the people who we just happen to meet. The things that seem coincidental, the things that we wonder: "what the odds are of it happening?" sort of like a soap opera of our daily lives or something, but for everyone.
Someone asked me what I wanted. Sometimes I know, but I can never be completely sure because our needs change so rapidly from one day to the next. I don't think anyone knows what they really want. They might wake up one day and think: "I want to go shopping" and then they go shopping and spend all the money they were saving because they wanted to buy something else. Money is such a universally valuable resource. We couldn't really live without it. It gets us out of doing things we don't want to have to do because of the bartering system that existed before there was money. Or is it spelt barder? I don't know for sure. Just that it is trading goods with other goods or services. People used to get paid with rations of salt instead of money because salt was very valuable in those days. That is where the word salary comes from. Maybe salt is easier to save than money, and harder to steal. Well, just time consuming to steal and not worth the energy in most cases. But salt is valuable because of it's iodine content. It was used to fight off infections and preserve meat when they stored it because they didn't have refridgeration. Money can be the root to all eveil. People have killed over money and they will continue to do so. When has anyone ever killed over salt?
Anyway, back to not knowing what we really want out of life... I know I can get off track very easily. There are so many factors that influence our desires and our choices. So many factors influencing all aspects of our lives. Many of the factors are difficult to detect. Those little things we can't put our fingers on. There are forces that influence the factors. Forces of gravity, forces of nature, forces of free will, forces of fortune, forces of fate, forces of magnetism... The list is endless. How many forces can you think of besides the ones I have listed? Without many of these forces, the universe would cease to exist or may not have existed at all. I wonder about the cosmos. I wonder about significant life on other planets. Isn't all life significant? Who are we to assume that the species that exist on earth are the only species that exist in the universe? What if it isn't even a universe? What if it is a mulit-verse with a multitude or cornicopia of discoveries? Just think of how mankind evolved our ways of thinking and our ways of daily life from technology to sociology. They thought the world was flat and not only have we discovered that it is round, but we have the technology that tells us many things about other planets! We know more about the moon than we do about the bottom of the ocean! Time is the ultimate force of nature because it is relevant. It can be changed, but it can never be taken back. Once you have lost a moment, it is gone. You can take a clock and set the time ahead, that gives you less time on your own clock, but every other clock is set uniformally. You can set each clock in your house to different times and live in different time zones from one room to the next. Isn't time relative?
Albert Einstein was an amazing man. He is a genius. His theory of realitivity comes in 3 parts, with 32 subsections. http://www.bartleby.com/173/ It is worth the read. Even though it was written in 1920, it is always going to be way before it's time. Perhaps one of the most challenging of intellectual difficulties is the art of comprehension.
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