It's hard to say... Hard to explain. I don't know why I do the things I do, say the things I do, or write the things I do. I get lonely. So I go on the stupid chat lines and talk to strangers. A few of them I have met and some of them are nice, but it's pointless. I know I am not going to find the love of my life on the internet. That is just a given fact. For those who have, good for them... Life is not like the movie: You've Got Mail. It's just a romantic thought. I check my email for no reason, just hoping that there will be something there, from someone. I used to have this thing where I'd send emails to a fellow blogger who found my blog one day and that he'd reply when he got home from work. It was just this daily routine that I miss. The emails stopped coming and there has been no reply to the latest ones I sent. He doesn't try to contact me and I wonder why. What did I do or say? I don't know. Maybe it wasn't supposed to last. Not many things do last. Everything falls apart eventually (without maintanence or substance) Just a fact of life.
I have had a profile on a stupid dating site for a few months now, or maybe longer. I started chatting with a guy from that site. I thought things were going well. I thought he actually liked me. Strange how we can fool ourselves when things seem to be going well and with no logical reason, they just fall apart. Just like everything else in life. It makes me want to stop trying. I know that I should just stop trying. It hurts too much when I think I'm finally good enough for someone, to think they actually care. It has happened to me before and it shouldn't be a surprise. It's just a stupid dating site, doesn't mean I'll actually get dates. I should be out meeting people in real life, not relying on the internet as a dating tool. It is just so addictive and so useful. It is convenient as well, but it isn't the answer to my questions. It isn't going to help me. This computer is just a machine that I turn to in search of companionship. All I do is sit here and type this junk that nobody seems interested enough to read. I just thought it would help to communicate, to try to reach out to someone out there. Maybe we aren't all that different, maybe there are other people who feel so alone and so jaded as I do. I can't be the only one.
I'm going to have to sleep soon, or try really hard to just close my eyes and think myself into a dream. I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up and start another day with all the usual patterns and chores to do. It is too much of a routine and I need something new. They say that I am still young and I have plenty of time to achieve my goals. Yes, I hear this so many times, but I feel like there isn't enough time. I am sick of waiting for the things I cannot make happen. I know that Mr.Right isn't Mr.Right-Now. I get opportunities to persue things that aren't worth it because they are those stupid casual things that are never worth it. Nobody wants something real. I feel so old. I feel like my chances are running out.
I am attracted to guys who'd never want a relationship with me. I am foolish to think they would. I've always wanted the things I could never have out of life. It is just the way things are and have always been. That is why I am on the verge of giving up. Not on life itself, but on the concept of love. It is nothing but a concept. The more I wait for it, the longer I chase that dream. It is just a desire that burns in my soul. It is the reason I live because I am seeking that one chance. It is just pointless because I don't get chances like that. I don't get chances to prove myself and when I do, I waste them. I waste my time talking to guys who never want anything other than sex from me. There is more to life than sex. SEX IS NOT A SPORT. I find it so insulting that they just expect it from me. I feel like they take a little bit from me each time. It's not worth this cheap feeling. I may never get married or be in love, but at least I don't have to give myself away. I just have to learn how to feel like I'm worth something some day.
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