I am so Scared....

Some things are hard to admit. I am scared. I admit it. I'm scared that my mistakes are going to come back and haunt me. I am scared that I my secrets will be exposed and that everyone will hate the real me. The me that I can't show them. The me that if they knew, they'd hate. I don't want them to hate me and a part of me tells myself that I shouldn't care what they think because they don't know the real me. Even people who have known me for my whole life don't know me. I can't show them who I really am. If I let them into my world.... They'll hurt me. I don't want to feel that pain, but I cause myself pain every day when I think about the things I have done. I hate myself. I am trying to be that girl I want to be, but I can never be like that. I can try, I can try as hard as I'd like, but it won't change. I can't change... I want to, but it is so hard.

It is harder to accept that I'm not the girl I wish I was... It's hard to accept that my dreams most likely will not come true. I have to get over it. It is depressing that one little mistake can change your life forever. I guess it wasn't a little mistake. It was a big mistake. I can learn from mistakes, and I thought that I had, but I couldn't control.... I couldn't stop... I knew that I should, but I didn't care. All I cared about was that someone wanted me. Not anymore. The intentions weren't clear, but they are now. I am a fool. I have always known that. I hate that in myself. I guess this is my final lesson in that regard. I have learned never to fall for that no matter how bad that I want all those lies to be true. I just wish that they were true. I wish that I could believe in something. Don't you want something to believe in? Something worth waiting for? Knowing that it is always going to be there for you? I am scared that it will never happen. That I will never get that feeling of being in love... LOVE, Ha! This stupid little thing called love. This thing that seems so important than nobody wants to live without it. And yet most people don't know what the hell it is. I don't know, but I know it is supposed to be so wonderful, that people are lucky to find it, that with it is supposed to come happiness and security. All those things I have been waiting for.... It doesn't mean anything. Sex doesn't mean anything. I regret ever having it. I regret not saving myself for marriage, but who in their right mind would marry a girl like me? That is right, they'd have to be crazy. I am crazy, and they don't seem to notice. Or maybe they do notice and it's been holding me back all these years. Maybe that's why I cannot find love. Find it? Aren't we supposed to fall into it? Like walking into a pile of dog shit and having it stuck to the bottom of your shoes, going where you go? Is that how it works? Or is it like walking into a hole that there was no sign to warn you about? Maybe if the hole (the love) is deep enough, you won't get out of it (or fall out of love)...

Maybe someone will sing me a song...

and hold my hand...

and tell me they will love me for the rest of his life.

*That will never happen!*

Maybe someone will sweep me off my feet

and take me away

and live with me happily ever after like some fairytale come true...

*In my dreams!*

Maybe someone will love me unconditionally

and understand what I have been through

and let me just be myself, my real self...

and never hurt me....

~*and kiss + hug me*~

~*and hold me*~

and tell me that I am pretty

and mean it....

and know that I won't believe them when they tell me

because I can't see it

I don't feel it

If only dreams came true

If only there was a guy out there... (For me)

He doesn't have to be perfect.

Nobody is perfect

Especially not me.