Starting to Live With it

Ok, It's time to just get on with my life. No matter what I did, I'm sure it could have been worse. No one will find out. I'm sure of it. It is a secret that I have to live with. I have other secrets. It's really not so bad. I can't live my whole life with shame and regret. So what, I made a mistake. I just have to tell myself that it never happened and move on, either move on or start again because I can't start where I left off. I can't go back to simpler times. It's just not going to happen that way.... I wish it could, but I am different inside. I have an internal self inflicted wound that I keep rubbing salt into. It hurts, but I have been doing it to myself. Sure, if others knew, their lives would be affected too. If I keep it to myself, nothing bad will happen and I can just pretend that there is nothing going on. If it ever comes up I will have to deny it... I hate lying, it's not in me to lie, but I can't hurt everyone. Even though I allow them to hurt me...

I should have listened...

They told me this could happen,

That one thing leads to another....

And before you know it...

You are playing a game you just can't win.

No matter how good it is

No matter how badly you need it

It's just not worth it

It's not worth feeling like this.

I wish I could go back to that day...

I wish I could do things differently.

Maybe I wouldn't have gone to that place....

Maybe this whole thing wouldn't have started if I had left it alone

Would have, Could have, Should have.

It is easy to look at things after they have happened

It is hard not to look back

Especially when I want to go back

And fix everything

All the mistakes I made

All the mistakes I will have to live with

For the rest of my life

Next time it will be different.

There won't be a next time, that is for certain

There is always temptation

I just can't give into it.