Trying to Make Something out of Nothing

I have a lot to think about lately. I don't know where things went so wrong. I wanted everything to be perfect and to work out for me, but they didn't. I was hoping that everything was going to be fine, but they are far from that. I have been taking these pills to help with this, but they don't seem to help at all. I don't fall as deep into this pit as I used to, but it has only been a week and there is a lot more work that has to be done before I am out of the woods once and for all. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to be out of the woods.

People keep telling me that I'm young and I have plenty of time to meet the right guy. I doubt that I ever will and yet they still tell me that it will happen. I am never going to meet my romeo, my adonis, my soul mate... It doesn't matter what I want because I've always wanted something that I can't have. I've always wanted to be wanted. I wanted to have someone to want me and to tell me that they love me and mean it. I wanted to be held and to be kissed. I wanted all of that, but that all doesn't matter anymore. It just makes me so depressed. Pills won't help me. Nothing except for that moment when I know that I don't have to pray anymore, that I don't have to cry at night, that I don't have to feel so alone and useless. Everybody wants to be in love, but only a few people find something that is real. It hurts sometimes. The uncertainty makes me sick to my stomach, the crying makes my eyes sting. I can't sleep at night. I close my eyes, but all I can see are images of the past. Images of yesterday and many years before. All I see are the bad choices I made and everything that I will have to live with for the rest of my life... Every time I look in the mirror, I hate myself even more for doing what I did and for not being who I want to be. Maybe I can learn how to forgive myself over time and learn how to appreciate things more.

I know the sacrifice I made, and I the reasons I did it for.

I want to be able to justify myself, but all I feel is guilt.

How long will this last?

When will I get some answers I can use?

Why do I feel so guilty when other people do the same thing all the time and feel no remorse?

Why can't I listen to myself when I tell myself that it is a bad idea?

Why can't I accept that happiness isn't in the cards for me?

When will I realize that it's not the end of the world not to be in love?

I try too hard for nothing.

I want what I can't have.

I'm not who I wish I was.

I hurt too many people, eventhough they hurt me.

Life is just something that happens.

Everything happens for a reason.

We have to make mistakes to learn.

When will I learn?

When will I learn to accept, forgive, move on?

When will I learn to love and respect myself? <--- How can I do that?

Won't someone help me, please?