Still Raining

The pigeons are chilling, out of the rain. They are probably cold. 
Not optimum weather for flying anywhere.

Doesn't seem to be freezing, the rain. 
Seems to be washing away the snow.

I feel like we'll get a few big blasts
before winter's over, finally.

This kind of weather just makes me feel tired. 
I couldn't stand it if it rained like crazy
all the time.

I'd want to just be indoors all the time.
Not that I go out very often these days. 

If I need "supplies" I go out.
If I have an appointment or errands, yeah, 
but otherwise I stay in. 

I saw a meme thing last night. 
It said "I can't decide what to wear
to my living room on NYE, 
I might not even go."

I thought about going out, somewhere, 
but I dunno. Where would I go?

There's a tavern that I've been to for NYE.
At least a few times. 

It's separated into two parts.
Because back when it was built, 
there was some social rule
where the men were separate 
from the women.
So one half was for men only lol. 

Maybe I should get a head start on cleaning, today, 
and some tomorrow. It's not really "dirty"
just cluttered. 

I had been keeping it and things clean
for a while, before I got into another bout. 

Then I got the bedbugs again. FFS.
Had to go through that mess, AGAIN.

So I need to organize AGAIN.
Next year, I need to downsize.
Then it won't take as long to organize.

I feel like getting some non-alcoholic wine or something. 
Just have a relaxing night...
After a huge clean up. 
I started yesterday, at least made a bit of a dent in it.
Long way to go, yet, 

At least I started doing it, right?

And breaks, here and there, help.

*Clean* 
*Watch an episode of Hoarders*
*Clean some more*
*Watch another episode of Hoarders*

And a trip to the store afterward to get a Tiger malt. 
And a frozen pizza, and cheese.
They don't put enough cheese on those.
Stingy b@st@rds!

There's a frozen pizza that is a butter chicken pizza.
It's pretty darn good if I do say so myself. 

Not looking forward to going out in the rain. 
It's not pouring, but it is raining.


I'll take a break, clean a bit more, then go out.
Funny how I'm procrastinating going out
and using cleaning as an excuse to stay in
after procrastinating the cleaning lol. 

---------

I'm back from the store.
I got some food for the week.

Also I got a couple of things for myself
as a birthday present.

And of course, a Tiger malt.

I did get a bottle of de-alcoholized wine, 
but they only had red left and only 4 bottles.

There's non alcoholic beer there, too, 
but I had to carry everything back home, 
and I was only there to get a few things.

I got more than what I set out to get, 
so I have to be mindful next time.

I asked chatgpt how much $ I'd have to save
to have saved $1K /year.

Chatgpt said I would have to save $83.33/month.

At that rate, I could pay half my debt in 10 years, 
but due to interests rates, it'd probably be more. 

Who knows what kind of opportunities can arise?

But at least I don't have to buy food for a while. 
I'll have to wait for my bills to go through
to see where I stand after that, 

but I think I'll be good for next year, 
because I have money coming to me, 
waiting for me. Owed to me.

Glad to be back, though.
I dislike shopping. Quite a bit.

If I didn't have to buy and consume food, 
I probably would go out even less. 

And how much did I even save on the deals?
I get discount and value brand stuff. 

Not because I'm cheap, but because
FOOD IS F*CKING EXPENSIVE.

Like I said, sometimes I wish that
I didn't have to eat.

All that money spent on food, 
could be in my savings account. 

I'd like to do this thing, 
where I tally up the costs
of things I wanted to buy
and how much I saved 
BY NOT BUYING THINGS I DON'T NEED.

Less "nice to have" stuff. 
Because although it'd be "nice to have,"
IF I DON'T NEED IT, 
I DON'T HAVE TO BUY IT.

AND I WANT TO MAKE A DENT
IN MY DEBTS. 

And come out on top in the next 5 years.
Never know, could happen sooner than that.

That'd be nice, eh?
If wishes were fishes...

I'm just happy that it's not icy af out there.
The sidewalks are clear, 
snowbanks melted away, 
just really damp because of the rain. 
A damp cold. But at least it's not
snowing and blowing out there. 

Never know for next year, though.
I've got some ideas to put into action. 

Just need the "drive" back. 
The ambition is there, but not the "drive."
Because I've been tired all the time. 

I'm going to see my mother tomorrow.

I woke up today, not sure what day it was.
Ever wake up thinking it's one day, but it's not?

Waking up in a rush thinking you have something to do, 
but it's actually the day after that?
Because you're not fully awake, yet...

And then when you realize, you feel kinda relieved.

At least having some food in the house is a relief. 
And I won't have to go do that for a while. 
Thankfully. 

I did look at the wool, but didn't get any. 
I have to contain my "stash" as it is, already. 
I was packing it up to move it, soon, 
and I realized I have a bit of an addiction, I think. 

Made me think about warning people, 
before they come over
(not that I have many over)
that they might see "some stuff" around, 
but that it's not what they think.

When people think of addictions, 
they think of drugs and alcohol, 
but this is... Something else.

The more I use it up, the smaller my "stash" will get, 
and then I won't feel like it's a huge deal to even have
a "stash."

Plus, the bigger the projects, the more wool I can use up.

What's great is that I just bring it to the group
and it just "goes away" LOL.
I don't have to "deal with it" after that.

So it's a win-win. 
Someone gets a hat or whatever and
I get to "bust my stash."

I could have done without some of the things I bought.
I was only planning on getting a few items, 
but may as well take advantage of the "tax break."
If it even covers anything I bought, which I doubt. 

They are still trying to sell discounted Christmas stuff, 
like candy canes etc.
Christmas lights, too. 

I was hoping there'd be some eggnog left, 
but there wasn't any. 

I think that after my next bout of cleaning, tonight, 
I should go to bed early. 

Because I am wiped. 
And the weather isn't helping. 

I think a lot of animals just sleep
when the weather is gross like this. 

Also, not sure birds fly a lot when their feathers are wet. 

I once rescued a dragonfly from drowning, 
it seemed like it couldn't fly with its wings wet.

Once its wings were dry, though, it flew away.
We just kinda looked at each other while
its wings were drying. 

What goes through a dragonfly's mind?
Probably "survival" stuff. 

Not sure what else they think about, if anything. 
They might wonder about us, too. 

And how much bigger we are than they are. 


But, yeah, not sure if they can fly with wet wings, birds.

I saw a heron dive on a fish, it caught it. 
Not often you get to see that.

Saw a seagul eat a fish it caught, too. 
It gulped it down. 

Sometimes I get blueberries to fire at the seaguls. 
They seem to like them and fight over them. 

And once, a couple of geese came up to me
for some blueberries, with their baby. 

The baby was scared because it was probably its first
interaction with a human. It was shaking. 

I think the baby was too young to eat berries though. 
They graze on grass, though.
I think that's why the grass near the water filtration plant
looks like it's been mowed all the time...

The "city" does mow public property. 
Every year, at the end of the summer, 
around the time that school starts, 
I get pretty bad allergies. 

I wore "shades" to class, a couple of times, 
because my eyes were pretty swollen. 

A proffessor asked me to take them off, 
I did, and she saw why I was wearing them lol. 

Don't rub your eyes if you get itchy eyes, 
it just makes the swelling worse. 

There were a few times I could barely see, 
let alone open my eyes. It got that bad.

But, I'd take that over cystic acne. 
Wouldn't you?

I've gotta hit the library again, 
just to bring the books back. 

I didn't finish reading them, 
but I want to concentrate on other stuff. 

The library has game nights.
So I could go and do that.

I'd like to set myself up with little things
to look forward to. 

Other than the knitting group. 

It's just that if I have a "schedule"
that makes me "predictable"
and if those females are still trying to "stalk" me, 
they'd know where to find me, y'know?
Not that I'm afraid of them, just don't care to be tailed. 

I dgaf if they are p*ssed at me for not playing their "games."
They can go f*ck themselves. 

Bad enough they were spying on me online. 
Reading my messages on the FB messenger
from logging into the person's account
who I was talking to, 
because they had to know
HOW THEY COULD TRY TO GET IN BETWEEN US.
OR TRY TO TURN US AGAINST EACH OTHER.
A BUNCH OF BS LIKE THAT.

See why I dgaf anymore?

One time, I was on my way to go see someone, 
and a drunken female was yelling at me, 
as I crossed the parking lot...

I didn't know who she was
or why she was even yelling at me...

THE ONLY WAY SHE'D EVEN KNOW
WHO I AM, IS IF SHE WAS SPYING ON ME.

BECAUSE HOW WOULD SHE HAVE KNOWN
WHO I WAS ON MY WAY TO GO SEE?

IF SHE HADN'T KNOWN I HAD MADE PLANS WITH HIM?

But no, don't f*cking believe me when I tell you
all this BS happened, because I'm "crazy" right?

And countries were buying covid test kits
2 years before the "pandemic."
BUT I AM CRAZY, EH?

The people that other people REFUSE TO BELIEVE, 
SEEM TO KNOW SOME THINGS...

It shouldn't even "bother" me anymore.
Not being "believed."
Should I really gaf if they don't?

Like when I told my folks that it can rain frogs...
Told them to Google it. Since they didn't believe me.


Tired of not being believed, but it shouldn't "bother" me.
WHY SHOULD I GO TO GREAT LENGTHS
TO EVEN TRY TO TELL ANYONE?

Anyway, with the frogs... The frog eggs kind of evaporate
into the sky and kind of stay up there, somehow, 
until they get dropped back down, with the rain. 

Like how water evaporated into the sky, 
and then it rains...

But being treated and look at as though
I don't know wtf I'm talking about, it gets kinda old. 

Just makes me wanna just let everyone think
WHATEVER THEY ALREADY THINK. 
AND THEY CAN ASSUME WHATEVER. 

I can keep things to myself. Mostly, I do. 
BECAUSE WHO'S GOING TO LISTEN?
PEOPLE WHO NEVER BELIEVE
ANYTHING I SAY?

BECAUSE EITHER I'M SAYING IT
BECAUSE I HAVE AN "AGENDA"
OR I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
Supposedly. 

Assuming my intellect...
All because they don't want to acknowledge
anything about me?

Would you bother if people treated you like that?
Or would you just keep everything close to your chest?

DO I EVEN HAVE TO SHARE ANY INFO
WITH ANYONE? NO.

Just wish they'd ask and not assume things. 

Reminds me of that movie
where the lady was asking the girl if it was true
what people were saying.
About her being "ret@rded."

I avoid using that word, in general, 
but I used it because that's the word they used
in the movie. 

And the girl said:
"If it's a bad thing to be, why do you want to know?"

It's just that it's easy to assume and say whatever.
EVEN IF IT'S NOT TRUE.

At least she asked and not assumed?
Like everyone else was?

Easy to assume anything and everything. 

And today, while I was cleaning, 
I was speculating on something, 
and I thought to myself:
Who am I to speculate on that?

ARE MY THOUGHTS EVEN TRUE?
OR DO I LIE TO MYSELF?

Just like some people refuse to even look at things.
Their assumptions, why they assumed what they assumed, 
or thought what they though...

HOW CAN YOU QUESTION SOMETHING
WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT?

And yes, being biased is a thing, too.
HOW OFTEN DO OUR BIASES
AFFECT HOW WE THINK? FEEL?
OR LOOK AT THINGS?

Ever think about that?
I think it spells the difference
between looking at something objectively
or subjectively. 

That card I pulled a couple of weeks ago:
Part of it said: How else can one dispel illusions
except by looking at them directly, 
without protecting them?

So many falsehoods that it'd make you
QUESTION EVERYTHING.

Crazy how things can change when you look
at the illusions and see them for what they are?

But it makes me think that you can't see
the scope of a storm when you're in it.

Kind of like how we can't see how we're sabotaging ourselves
WHILE WE ARE DOING IT.

Makes me think of how I didn't see how alcohol was affecting me
UNTIL I GOT SOBER.

BUT WAS I REFUSING TO SEE IT? Yes.

The illusions that it was "helping me cope."
IT WASN'T. It was an "excuse" for drinking. 
AND AN EXCUSE NOT TO THINK
ABOUT DRINKING AND HOW IT WAS AFFECTING ME.

But it wasn't just affecting ME.
It affected my life and the people
who were in my life, who got fed up with my BS.

Back then, in my 20's, I couldn't see
WHY I SHOULD HAVE TO CHANGE...
OR MAKE CHANGES...
OR GROW TF UP.

Even though, the one thing I wanted
WAS SOMETHING I REALLY WANTED, 
TRUTHFULLY, I WASN'T READY FOR IT.

And I also met people who weren't ready for it.
Neither of us were ready for it.

Am I ready, now? Closer?
I'd like to think I'm closer. 
Probably not all the way there, yet. 

Things to focus on. OTHER THAN ANY OF THAT.
BESIDES, what am I willing to subject myself to?
AND WHAT AM I NOT? 
NOT ANYMORE.

I TOLERATED ENOUGH.
THAT I NEVER HAD TO OR SHOULD HAVE HAD TO.

Just because you love and care for someone
DOESN'T MEAN YOU NEED TO TOLERATE
THEIR BS.

SHOULD I EXPECT EVEYONE TO TOLERATE MINE?
NO. I SHOULDN'T

SO WHY SHOULD THEY EXPECT ME TO?
SHOULD THEY? OR NO?


Anyway, I've been getting a lot of French ads on YouTube. 
I don't know why, but my guess is because
the algorythm knows I'm from Canada.

Ne pas toute les Canadiens sont Francaphones.
If I was from France, on the otherhand, 
that'd make sense. 
OR IF I WATCHED FRENCH CONTENT.
WHICH I DON'T.

Nothing against French content, 
Juste que je ne parlez pas Francais come une Francaphone. 
Barely write in French let alone speak it.

But I can translate it if it's written. 
When I hear it, I can pick up on about 70% of it.

It's just that the way they say things in French
is different from the way we say things in English. 

It's not a direct translation. 
BECAUSE THEY HAVE THEIR OWN WAYS
OF SAYING THINGS.

LES MEME CHOSE, MES, 
DANS D'OTRES FACONS.

Please forgive my horrible French.
Pardonez moi, s'il vous plait. 

I don't always get shown French ads on YT, 
but when I do, they seem to trigger more of them, somehow.

It's not the end of the world, just an observation. 

Wasn't always like that. It started this year, though.

Part of me thinks I should stay up late, to clean.
Another part of me thinks it can wait. 

For a "rainy day"? LOL.
Last few days it has been raining. 
Nice that the snow banks are melting, though. 
And the sidewalks are clear.


I started "organizing" my place.
Made a "dent" in it. 
And did some cleaning, too. 

Would be easier with an extra set of hands, but hey, 
at least I got some done. 

Then my neck and head started hurting.
And what energy I had waned. 

I moved my stash to one corner, 
I put some stuff into boxes, 
I cleaned the bathroom. 
I took out the recycling.

I've got my laundry to fold and hang up.
Still more to wash. 

Wish I had unlimited energy to go all night lol. 
And wish my head and neck didn't hurt anymore. 

I tell myself it's okay to take breaks, 
because it is. 

And it's okay, especially, when my head and neck
are in pain. 

My head's in pain because of my neck pain. 

"Pain in the neck" lol. 

A break, clean, a break, organize, a break, repeat.
A bit each day can go a long way. 

The thing is that once it is done, 
it doesn't take a lot to keep it decent. 

Every time I see Hoarders, 
I just want to jump through the screen and clean that.
I can't look at something like that
without wanting to clean it.

Deep cleaning at the end and beginning of each year. 
It just starts the year off, nicely.

It already is starting to feel better! So am I.
It'd be even better without the pain!

I kept cracking my neck and now it's f*cked up. 
Don't crack your neck folks!
Let the pros do that.

I'd be awesome to go to a chiropracter.
It'd probably feel great afterwards.

Ever seen Chinese chiropracters?
They have a thing they use a rubber mallet thing, 
and they kind of like "hammer"
the vertebrae back into place. 
It looks neat and I probably need that. 

A huge pop between my shoulder blades...

Maybe that's what I'll do for my birthday, 
go and get a massage or something like that. 

I'd have to save up $$$ to see a chiropracter. 
BUT IT WOULD BE WORTH IT.
FOR SURE.

It's starting to cool down in here at least.
Last night was too hot. 

In the halls, and common places, it's hot. 
At the mall, it's hot. 
It just feels like the heat's cranked everywhere.
Except here because I had to turn it off. 

Heat is nice to have, and it keeps you alive...
But too much heat, is too much heat. 
That goes for spice as well. 


Speaking of "heat keeps you alive"
Back in 2022, a family of 4...
Two parents and two children
were found frozen to death in Manitoba
close to the American border, 
they were going to be crossing illegally, 
but they froze to death. 

Canadian winter is freaking harsh. 
A lot of people freeze to death.
Especially in "prarie" provinces.
The "plains" is all OPEN.
You can see for MILES and MILES.

Zero shelter from the elements.
Nothing to stop or block the wind.

It gets down to -40C and sometimes colder. 
Further North, it's like -50C and colder...

People weren't built for that.
Back when we were more neanderathal 
or whatever, we had caves and fire...
We still have those, 
but also, we probably had more body hair, maybe.
I dunno, but people survived
or we wouldn't be around, today.

They managed somehow, and so must we.
Electricity makes a lot of things easier. 

Took us out of the dark ages.
In terms of technology, 

but I feel like we, as a species, 
have a long way to go psychologically
and especially spiritually. 

I get why a lot of people don't believe in
"spirituality."

For me, it's separate from "religion."

I'm not particularily religious. 
I was baptized at a church I attended
up until my teens.

When I was in a group home. 
I asked if I could go to church, they took me, 
but I WENT AWOL FROM CHURCH.

I remember it well. 
There was a place I hid for a while. 
It was like a porch thing or a space under some stairs, 
outside the university close by there.

There was a statue near there,
a sacred space, I go there in my mind sometimes.

They built houses where that used to be.
There used to be a hole in the fence to get up there.

The church used to have a picnic type of thing 
with games and we met with other churches for it.

There was a big field behind the university. 
Between the university and the river. 

I used to wait for the grass to get long and lay in it. 
And look up at the sky at night. 

Now, there are houses all throughout there.
Not just houses, either, condos, too. 

I remember when they were building it. 

At least I snapped a picture of the old church they tore down. 
It was the predecessor of the church that I went to.
Likely, my great-grandparents were married there, 
because my great-grandfather helped to build the church
that I went to. 
And my grandfather was baptized there.

My grandfather, my mom, me, my son...
We were all baptized there.

Someone asked me if I was baptized, 
but he wanted to know if I was baptized Catholic. 
Nope. Anglican. 

As far as I know, Anglican is a type of Protestant. 

Not that I'm religious... 

Do I believe there's a GOD? 
I'm kind of agnostic on that one. 


Do I believe in some "higher power" yeah. 
But not just because it was suggested in AA.

If Jesus did exist, and I'm not saying he didn't, 
but if he did, he was a Capricorn. 

And some say he actually had a brother.
Nobody really talks about that, though. 

Not knocking religion for those who are religious, though. 
They believe what they believe. 
Others believe what they believe. 

I don't usually talk about my spiritual beliefs
because it just seems too crazy, I guess. 
To each their own in that regard.

But I've had too many experiences to know
that there's something to it all. 

And that voice, right in my ear...
It sounded "ancient."
That's all I can describe it as.

It was not my imagination. I heard it.
As plain as I can hear anyone's voice. 

Some believe in past lives, some don't. 
Some believe in soulmates, some don't. 

I got curious and I got a "soulmate drawing" done.
It'd be wild if I met someone who resembles the drawing. 

Sometimes I imagine that I've already met him. 
And I try to imagine what our lives together might look like.
Where we live together, etc. 
Conversations, etc.

If it brings me some type of "peace" I'll take it.
I mean, about imagining things. 

Because it's better than brooding etc. 
WE ALL KNOW HOW GOOD I AM AT THAT!
(And thanks for your patience regarding that).

I feel like kicking myself for all the time I've wasted
just brooding... Just that alone.

All the time that my mind was on things
when it could have been on other things, y'know?

Someone put it this way:
"It's not what you're walking away from, 
it's what you're walking away WITH."

What are you taking away, from that, with you?
LESSONS? 
WHAT YOU LEARNED
FROM GOING THROUGH THAT BS.

And yeah, I'm still mad at myself...
FOR GIVING TOO MANY CHANCES.
JUST FOR THE DISRESPECT AND DISREGARD
THAT I ENDED UP RECEIVING.

And I have to remind myself that.
About the disrespect and disregard.
Because that is reason enough
NOT TO GIVE YET ANOTHER, 
OR ANY MORE F*CKS. 

"He disrespected you, A***."
"Let him go lay in the bed he made. 
He made it, not you."

Because what? You gave him a chance?
In the first place, but many?
Let alone too many?

1) LIMIT the chances you're willing to give. 
2) SET and MAINTAIN boundaries.

The second one, that's hard for a lot of people. 
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU WEREN'T TAUGHT
ABOUT THAT.
BY PEOPLE WHO CROSSED THEM,
REGULARLY. 
AS THOUGH NONE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.

That's part of why I allowed so much sh*t in my life. 
I didn't have clear boundaries.
I didn't make them known. 
I had and sometimes still have
A HARD TIME ENFORCING THEM. 

BUT THAT, IS WHAT WE GOTTA DO. 
NO BS. 
THE BOUNDARY
OF THE BS FREE ZONE.

WHERE PEOPLE WHO ARE ABOUT THEIR BS
CAN STAY OUT. AND KEEP OUT. 
NO B*LLSH*TTERS ALLOWED.
NO GAME PLAYERS ALLOWED. 

That's 2025 for me.
That's what it should look like. 

BECAUSE WHAT?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN BS. RIGHT?

At least I try to tell myself there is... 
Sometimes it's hard to see it, but it's there.
It's like the wind. You can feel it, 
you can see what it can do, 
but you can't see "air."
BUT IT'S THERE.

AND WHAT IS IN THE AIR?
MOISTURE.

AND WHAT IS A CONDUIT
OF ELECTRICITY?
WATER!

There was something I read, once, 
and I can't remember what the exact speeds are...

But it was saying how sound travels through air, water, and ice
at different speeds. 

It's a vibration. It's just "translated" as sound. 
When we hear it, we can translate it.

That's kind of how it is with other forms of energy.
1) It travels at whatever speed... 
2) It can be translated, by us. 

As soon as we could realize that we can hear, 
we were reacting to "sounds."
Even when we don't know what the sounds are.
Or where they are coming from. 

When my son was a baby, he was scared of snores. 
Because he didn't know what it was, 
but it was "scary."

Well, it's kind of like that, 
when you "feel" energy. 

1) It's freaky
2) Don't know what it is or where it's coming from, 
3) Don't know how to make sense of what it is...
Or what it means...

A lot of it gets "lost in translation"
and just gets shrugged off as just feeling "weird."

When you get a feeling about something, listen. 
IT IS TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
IT'S NOT JUST A FEELING. 

I learned to listen to it.
When I feel it, there's something up.

I might not know exactly what's up, 
BUT I KNOW SOMETHING'S UP.

OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T FEEL IT.

Kind of like when I pick up on energy at places.
And when I get names at random, and numbers. 
Usually, the numbers correspond to "dates"

Still not quite sure what the 217 thing is about, 
but I know there is something to that.

BECAUSE THE ODDS OF SOME THINGS...
HAS TO BE EXTREMELY HIGH.

You know those "order numbers" at McD's?
When you buy something they give you a receipt
with an "order number"
and you wait for your "order number" to be called etc...

Anyway, I got 217 as an "order number" TWICE.
EVEN ONCE? THE ODDS?

That's how I KNOW there's something to it all. 
What it is, exactly, I DON'T KNOW YET. 

It started when I went to Niagara Falls. 
My son and I stayed at a motel.
They gave us room 217.

After that... It kept popping up.
It kept following me around. 
Even to other cities. 
Just everywhere.

Then I started seeing 111, 222, 333, 444, 555...
All of those... 

And I'd look at the clock exactly at 2:17.
And look up and see a license plate that has 217.
Stuff like that.

It's hard to explain these things or talk about them.
BECAUSE I SEEM CRAZY.
AND WHO WOULD LISTEN?

Anyway, it started when we got that room. 
Part of me wondered if anyone had died in there.

A lot of su*cides in Niagara Falls. A LOT. 

1) It's not a rich city. 
The only places making money
are the tourist places up on Clifton Hill. 

If you go, look around the city, 
BOARDED UP...
STRAY CATS EVERYWHERE...

THE TOURISTS DON'T STRAY
FAR FROM TE FALLS
FAR FROM THEIR HOTELS...

And if it wasn't for the tourists...
It might be kinda dead.

There's history there, a lot of it. 
Tunnels underground, under the shops etc.

Soldiers used them during the war.

And Niagara Falls used to be called Clifton. 
And there used to be a coffin factory. 

Anyway, my grandmother was born in Welland. 
Which is either part of Niagara Falls or close by. 

One of her brothers drowned in the Welland canal. 
When he was 8 years old. 
A kid took his hat off and threw it in...

One of her twin brothers.
She didn't tell me his name until after I told her it. 
I somehow knew about him, how he died etc. 
His name, everything. 

She was very surprised. 
She asked me how I knew, 
but I didn't know how I knew...

I can "see" things in my mind. 
and I can "hear" things in my mind. 

The more you "look" and "listen"
the stronger it gets. 

THAT'S WHY I'M TELLING YOU
THAT IF YOU FEEL SOMETHING, 
LISTEN TO IT.

IT'S TELLING YOU SOMETHING. 
OR TRYING TO....

But interpreting and translating it
IS F*CKING HARD. 
I STILL REALLY STRUGGLE WITH IT.
ALSO I CAN BE STUBBORN...

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T ALWAYS LISTENED TO
THINGS I FELT. 

I felt something from or around someone. 
I couldn't tell if it was in the room, 
or if it was coming FROM HIM. 
BUT WHATEVER IT WAS, 
WASN'T GOOD. 

I can feel that stuff. 
I feel it in my stomach like a pit. 
Like a stone in my stomach.

But I try not to feed it.
BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT WANTS.
WHAT IT ALWAYS WANTS.
AND IF YOU LET IT, IT WILL...
IT'LL TRY TO "FEED" OFF YOU.
OFF YOUR SOUL. 

Other than acknowledging that it exists, 
I STAY AWARE OF IT.
AND I KNOW HOW IT FEELS.
WHEN I ENCOUNTER IT.

IT DOES NOT FEEL "RIGHT."
Or "GOOD."

It feels like a living "thing"
that exists, like an energy...

I mean, it is ENERGY, 
but it has some type of "form" to it.
Some type of "meaning" to it.

It's an actual "thing" that can consume people. 
IF THEY LET IT.

AND SOMETIMES THEY DON'T REALIZE
THEY ARE LETTING IT.

BECAUSE IT'S STEALTH LIKE THAT, 
TO GET WHAT IT "NEEDS"
TO KEEP EXISTING. 

But there are people who believe in the laws of the universe.
UNIVERSAL LAWS.

The law of attraction works in more ways than one.
And yes, it is about manifesting, to a degree, 

BUT THERE ARE OTHER LAWS, TOO.

Like the law of duality. 

I once did a project about anti-matter.
Would matter exist without anti-matter?
Would anti-matter exist without matter?

Could they exist separate from one another?

Kind of like how we have shadows. 
If the sun (or light source) hits an object, 
it can cast shadows, we know this.

BUT WHAT EXACTLY IS A SHADOW?
The absense of light, because it's being blocked, 
by the object or whatever casting the shadow...

It's kind of like that but with different sources of energy.
I wish I could describe what I'm trying to describe...

Think of energy having a shadow.
The shadow of the energy...

IT'S A THING.
A shadow is a thing, that exists,
Energy is a thing, that exists, 

And it's kinda like how they EXIST TOGETHER.
But it's not just that...

Because it is dark. Absense of "light."
The duality. LIGHT AND DARK. 

Kind of like a coin wouldn't exist without BOTH sides.
It wouldn't be 3D. It'd only have 1 side.
But even a piece of paper has two sides.
EVERY STORY HAS TWO SIDES...

You get where I'm going with that.
It's the law of duality, but also the law of opposites. 

It's really hard for me to explain, exactly what it is...
But let's just call it an energetic shadow. 
The shadow of energy...

The energy, if it wasn't there, there would be no shadow.
Mass = energy, right?

It is MASS that casts the shadow.
Therefore, it's energy that casts it.

Like the absense of light is darkness...
But even though we can't SEE, (physically see)
the energy casting the shadow... It's there.
And since we can't see it, 
we can't see the shadow of it, either. 

And it can kinda LURK.
Waiting for the right time and chance
TO CONSUME because that is what it does.
IF YOU LET IT.

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE LET IT
WITHOUT KNOWING THEY ARE DOING IT.

EVEN THOUGH THEY CAN FEEL IT.

AND MOST OF THE TIME,
THEY THINK IT'S THEM.
IT'S NOT THEM. 

It's something that was lurking, in their life, 
or attached to someone in their life, 
or came from somewhere, 
not out of nowhere, 
IT'S EXISTED ALL THIS TIME.
AS FAR BACK AS TIME GOES...

BUT IT ISN'T THEM.
WHY? BECAUSE WE WERE BORN WHAT?
INNOCENT. 

THAT IS WHY IT ISN'T US.
BUT IT WILL LET PEOPLE THINK IT IS.
IF IT GETS IN.
IF IT IS LET IN.

AND SOME PEOPLE LET IT IN
WITHOUT REALIZING IT.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW
how to protect their energy from it.
HOW TO STARVE IT OUT.

I heard this:
THE WOLF YOU FEED
IS THE WOLF THAT WINS.

You can feed THE OTHER WOLF.
NOT THE WOLF THAT WANTS TO EAT YOU.

It reminds me of a movie I saw, once. 
I forget the name of the movie, 
but pretty much the whole movie was
two people were trapped on a ski lift thing.

AND THERE WERE WOLVES BELOW THEM.

Every now and then, I think about THE WOLVES BELOW.
AND IF YOU JUMP OFF THE SKI LIFT, 
YOU CAN BREAK YOUR LEGS, 
AND THEY WILL EAT YOU.

WOLVES DGAF.
FOOD IS FOOD.

UNLESS THEY DON'T LOOK AT YOU AS FOOD.
OR ALL OUR PET DOGS WOULD TRY TO EAT US.

Anyway, the shadow of energy... 
It's like a hungry wolf... 

Speaking of "hungry wolves..."
It makes me think of Diane Downes
Or whatever her name is...

SHE SH0T HER KIDS.
WHILE SHE DID IT, 
"HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLVES."
That song was playing in her car.
And when they played the song in the courtroom, 
SHE WAS JIVING TO IT.

AS THOUGH SHE WASN'T SITTING IN COURT
FOR HAVING K*LLED AT LEAST ONE OF HER KIDS.

I KNOW AT LEAST ONE SURVIVED, 
AND ONE WAS PARALYZED. 

THAT is what I'm talking about...
THAT had already consumed her by that point. 

It gets in through the cracks... 
But cracks that we aren't fixing.
WE HAVE TO LOOK AT, TO FIX. 
AND IT WILL LET YOU THINK
THERE ISN'T ANY TO FIX. 

IT WILL LET YOU THINK A LOT OF THINGS.

And I'm not putting everything on that, 
BECAUSE WE HAVE CHOICES.

LIKE THE CHOICE TO BE AWARE OF IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

AWARE OF ITS EXISTANCE, 
BUT AWARE OF HOW IT "FEELS."

Something about it feels like "slime" to me.
I can't really describe it other than it feels "slimy."
And often, it makes my skin feel like its crawling. 

But when you do feel it, you know you are feeling something. 
You might not be able to put your finger on it, 
but you can definitely feel it...

I guess, some can, 
BUT IT WILL LET YOU THINK
YOU CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL. 

IT GETS DEEP IN YOUR HEAD.
The only power it has is any that you give it.
Any energy...
Your thoughts are energy...
That's why it gets in your head....

But when it does, you have to banquish it.
Revoke any permission for it to be there. 

And it's not that we give it conscious permision, 
it gets in by implied permission. 
Implied by not refusing to grant it permission. 

Kind of like choosing not to choose is a choice.
It's like that. 

Not choosing to choose not to grant it permission
IS IMPLIED permission.

That's the closest I can get to putting it into words.