Not Just Anyone

Keeping myself "busy" isn't the issue. 
Working on projects isn't an issue. 

Being alone isn't an issue. 

I think the issue is feeling like
"Is this all there is?"

Every night, doing the same stuff?
Feeling like I barely have the energy for stuff?

The "energy" drinks are a gimmick. 
ONCE YOU CRASH ON CAFFEINE, 
YOU FEEL KINDA F*CKED.

Even if it's not MAJORLY F*CKED, 
it's still noticeable. 

As much as I wish PEOPLE WOULD
ADDRESS THEIR OWN ISSUES,

I HAVE MY OWN THINGS.
HABITS TO BREAK, 
MOVES TO MAKE, 
CHANCES TO TAKE... Etc.

Y'know? Working on myself, as a person. 

I just WISH THAT OTHERS, DID, TOO. 

SO THEY CAN WHAT?
NOT BE A TW@T?
TO THE NEXT PERSON?

Because I'm not there, anymore.
To try to trauma dump on, etc. 

Sure, I'll listen, even try to understand
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CARE
TO DO THAT.

BUT I DON'T NEED ANY OF IT.

AND THEY CAN REGRET WHATEVER.
I'm just moving on with my life.
BECAUSE WHY SHOULDN'T I GET TO?

WHY SHOULDN'T I HAVE
SOMETHING BETTER THAN
WHAT I'VE BEEN DEALT?


It's not the cards you're dealt, it's how you play them. 

Was dealt a lot of sh*t. 
Parental su*cide, abuse, etc.
ALL KINDS OF BS...

ANY ONE OF THE THINGS
I WAS DEALT, I COULD HAVE USED
AS AN EXCUSE TO BE HOWEVER.

And I WAS THERE because I CARED.
WITHOUT EVEN THAT
ACKNOWLEDGED AT ALL. 

If they won't acknowledge me, 
WHY WOULD THEY ACKNOWLEDGE
ANYTHING ABOUT ME?
OTHER THAN WHAT THEY WANTED FROM ME?


Even after everything, I've had to forgive some people.
Was it hard?! F*ck yeah it was hard.

ESPECIALLY FORGIVING THOSE
WHO WEREN'T F*CKING SORRY.

BECAUSE THEY DO NOT CARE.
IF THEY DID, 
WOULD THERE HAVE BEEN
ANYTHING TO BE SORRY ABOUT?

IF THEY ACTUALLY CARED?
ENOUGH NOT TO DO
WHAT I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE
TO THEM?

And when someone new comes around...
I want it to be something REAL, FOR ONCE.

I'm at a point I just don't care for trying, again. 
JUST FOR THE SIMPLEST SIMPLICITY.
JUST FOR THE RESPECT.
JUST FOR SOMETHING MEANINGFUL. 
JUST FOR SOMETHING.

I wanted that so long that I just f*cking don't anymore.
In my 20's, I wrote about that so much. 
HOW I FELT ABOUT THAT.

Funny how I feel so much differently, now.

That part of me that used to want that DIED. 
EVERY TIME SOMEONE DID SOMETHING TO ME, 
IT DIED A LITTLE MORE, A LITTLE MORE, 
A LITTLE MORE ETC.

Sometimes I don't really feel anything. 
Just disappointment and dissatisfaction. 
And disheartened. 

Probably a bunch of other stuff, too. 
But I feel those the most.

I'm trying to figure out if I dgaf anymore
Because I actually don't anymore
or if I'm just too jaded, now.

Part of me wants to be optimistic about the future.
BECAUSE UNEXPECTED THINGS
CAN STILL HAPPEN. 
GOOD THINGS.

AND ANOTHER PART OF ME:
Is tired of everything blowing up IN MY FACE.
NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING, I GUESS.

I CAN PUT UP WITH A LOT OF SH*T
THAT I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T
BUT I REACH A POINT
I'VE HAD TOO MUCH BS. 

Fed the f*ck up.

It's like they want the one
WHO PLAYS GAMES WITH THEM, 
CHEATS ON THEM, 
STEALS FROM THEM, 
LIES TO THEM, 

AND HERE I'VE BEEN... WAITING
FOR THEM TO DECIDE
THEY DON'T WANT THAT ANYMORE. FFS.

WHY WAIT FOR THAT?
ESPECIALLY IF THEY EXPECT YOU TO?
WHAT DO YOU GET OUT OF IT?
ANYTHING?

WAITING FOR YOUR TURN?
JUST TO BE THOUGHT OF?
AND CARED ABOUT?
LOVED? WANTED?
APPRECIATED?
VALUED? AS A PERSON?
NOT JUST AS SOMEONE
WILLING TO DO THINGS FOR THEM?


I never hear "Sorry I was being so selfish
that I couldn't see how selfish I was being."

"Sorry I took you for granted."
"Sorry I treated you like that."

And even if I did, they weren't sorry
when they were doing it.

THE HABIT OF STUFFING MY FEELINGS DOWN.
EVERY SINGLE TIME...
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T CARE HOW I FEEL.

My family, so-called "friends", past "partners."
THE PEOPLE WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO CARE
ABOUT HOW I FELT, TOO.

NOT JUST EXPECT ME TO CARE ABOUT THEIRS
AT THE EXPENSE OF MY OWN. 

None of that makes me want to just JUMP INTO
YET ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.
WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T READY
FOR THE SAME THINGS.
TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE.

OF THE SAME BOOK. 
IN THE SAME LIBRARY, 
ON THE SAME CONTINENT. 

You get the point, I'm sure.

It really bugs me that some girls
GET WHATEVER TF THEY WANT 
ALL THE F*CKING TIME
AND ARE A F*CKING NIGHTMARE
BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO IMMATURE
TO REALIZE A BUNCH OF THINGS....

AND I CAN'T JUST HAVE 1 DAMN THING. 
CALLED CONSIDERATION. 

Someone I had staying with me, 
he asked me if I was willing to sell my sewing machine. 
IT USED TO BE MY GRANDMOTHER'S
THEREFORE IT IS SENTIMENTAL TO ME.

DID HE CARE THAT IT WAS SENTIMENTAL TO ME?

He said "what if I got someone to look at it?"
HE WAS ONLY THINKING OF
WHOEVER HE WANTED TO GIVE IT TO.

MY SEWING MACHINE.
THAT HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN FIXED FOR ME.
BUT THE ONE HE WANTED TO GIVE IT TO
DESERVED IT?
THE EFFORT TO FIX IT?

SOMETHING SENTIMENTAL TO ME?

LITERALLY MAKING PLANS FOR MY STUFF!
WANTING TO GIVE MY STUFF
TO SOMEONE ELSE.

WHO THEY WERE THINKING OF. 
NOT THINKING OF ME.

THE PERSON PUTTING A ROOF OVER THEIR HEAD, 
BUT TAKE THAT FOR GRANTED, TOO. 

That kind of sh*t. 
WHERE WAS MY CONSIDERATION THERE?
WANTING TO GIVE MY STUFF
TO SOMEONE ELSE?

Like I left a shirt at someone's house, 
for like a few days.
And he'd given it to someone else.

Like I brought my weed to his place
AND HE F*CKING GAVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE.

It's like I CAN'T EVEN HAVE WHAT'S MINE?!
BECAUSE I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH
NOT TO GIVE WHAT'S MINE
TO SOMEONE ELSE?

THEY DID NOT HAVE CONSIDERATION FOR ME.

I've had to walk away from people
WHO DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH CONSIDERATION FOR ME
TO CONSIDER HOW THEY WERE BEING
TOWARDS ME.

BY MAKING PLANS FOR MY THING, 
TRYING TO AND WANTING TO GIVE MY STUFF
AND ACTUALLY GIVING MY STUFF
TO SOMEONE ELSE.

That they seem to have MORE consideration for
than me...

BECAUSE IT SEEMS TO MATTER
WHAT THEY WANT.
EVEN WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO
WHAT IS MINE.

I'm not mad about the stuff. Stuff is stuff. 
I'M MAD ABOUT THE LACK OF CONSIDERATION
FOR ME.

ABOUT THEM SCOPING OUT MY STUFF. 
TRYING TO OR WANTING TO
GIVE TO OTHERS
WHAT IS MINE.

If I wanted to sell it, I would have told him. 

WHAT BOTHERED ME
WAS HE WAS WILLING TO PUT
ALL THAT EFFORT INTO FIXING IT
FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

As though THEY deserved it, not me.

And I wasn't asking for them to do anything. 
NOT EVEN FIX MY SEWING MACHINE. 

JUST MAYBE I WANTED THEM TO
THINK ABOUT ME
AND HOW I'D FEEL ABOUT THAT. Y'KNOW?

Anyway, that's just an example of how inconsiderate
some people have been towards me. 


But for others, they'll swim across the ocean and back. 
EVEN TRY TO GIVE THEM MY THINGS.
ANYTHING. FOR THEM.
NOTHING BUT INCONSIDERATION FOR ME.

Bet they would go out of their way
to make others feel WELCOMED AND WANTED, EVEN. 

WHILE SLAMMING THE DOOR IN MY FACE.
BUT THEY REALLY SLAM THE DOOR
IN THEIR OWN FACES.

Why would I want to be wanted by someone
WHO WOULD GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
FOR PRETTY MUCH ANYONE BUT ME?

WHILE WANTING ME TO GO
OUT OF MY WAY FOR THEM?

And when I did? I didn't expect a parade in return, 
BUT I WANT TO THINK
THAT I DESERVED BETTER THAN THAT.

Anyway, I have a friend who lives in another country. 
He said he wants to do more for me for my birthday
because he said he feels like I deserve more. 

Just being a good friend and good person to me, 
IS MORE THAN I'VE HAD.

HAVING CONSIDERATION FOR ME,
IS MORE THAN I'VE HAD.

I caught myself pouting while writing this...

Anyway, I told him that just being himself
is more than enough. 

But he said he didn't feel that way.

I WISH BEING MYSELF WAS ENOUGH.
I WISH I FELT LIKE IT WAS ENOUGH.

BUT WHEN YOU KEEP BEING SHOWN STUFF
LIKE THEY'D RATHER GIVE YOUR THINGS AWAY...
TO SOMEONE THEY CARE ENOUGH ABOUT TO GIVE IT TO....
TO FIX IT FOR ETC...

THAT YOU CAN'T LEAVE ANYTHING AT THEIR PLACE
BECAUSE THEY GIVE IT AWAY...
WITHOUT ASKING YOU.

THAT YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE WHAT'S YOURS?
THAT SOMEONE ELSE DESERVES IT MORE?
THE EXTRA EFFORT?

Tell me, after BEING SHOWN THAT...
OVER AND OVER AGAIN, 

THAT YOU REALLY WANT TO KEEP TRYING. 
TO BE F*CKING GOOD ENOUGH
TO AT LEAST HAVE YOUR OWN THINGS...

WITHOUT THEM GIVING IT AWAY
TO SOMEONE THEY CARE MORE ABOUT
THAN YOU....

For even JUST THAT.

Or being called by other people's names...
JUST TO BE CALLED BY YOUR OWN NAME.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT
THE PERSON WHO'S NAME THEY 
CALLED YOU BY...
NOT YOU....

I saw an interrogation video...
A guy k*lled his girlfriend.
She called him by her ex's name.
HE LOST IT AND LITERALLY
TORE HER GUTS OUT.

And people try to act like I AM THE ONE
WHO LOSES ALL CONTROL WHEN I'M ANGRY?
SEE ME TEARING ANYONE'S GUTS OUT?
OR CLAWING ANYONE'S EYES OUT?
OR EVEN TRYING TO STEP TO ANYONE?

Sure, I'll at least TELL YOU OFF.
BECAUSE YOU DESERVE AT LEAST THAT.
FOR BEING INCONSIDERATE.
TOWARDS ME.

But being angry is NO REASON
TO 'LOSE CONTROL'
OR LET THAT ANGER TURN INTO RAGE.
OR RESORT TO VIOLENCE
OR WHATEVER ELSE.
OR EVEN TRY TO JUSTIFY ANYTHING. 

ESPECIALLY TEARING SOMEONE'S GUTS OUT?

He didn't even remember doing it. 
That's how much of a blind rage he was in. 
BUT HE DEFINITELY DID IT.
DOES HE REGRET THAT HE DID IT?
HE SEEMED TO.
BUT HE STILL DID THAT. 

But the worst I do is tell people off
and tell them to go f*ck themselves.

IF YOU CANNOT THINK OF ME, 
AND HAVE CONSIDERATION FOR ME, 
ENOUGH TO JUST NOT TRY TO GIVE MY THINGS AWAY...
TO SOMEONE WHO 'DESERVES IT MORE'
OR WHATEVER, 
OR CALL ME BY MY OWN NAME, 

THEN WTF AM I EVEN BOTHERING FOR?

FOR MORE OF IT? 
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I'D GET FROM THEM. 
AND IT'S NOT LIKE I EVEN WANTED MUCH?

Is it asking too much for someone NOT to
try to give your things to someone else?

OR WANT TO BE CALLED BY YOUR OWN NAME?

IS IT? Because I don't think it is.
Because isn't that the very least they could do?
Not give your stuff away?
To call you by YOUR name?

BUT I GET TREATED LIKE EVEN THAT, 
AS THOUGH THE VERY F*CKING LEAST THEY COULD DO
FOR ME
WAS ASKING WAY TOO DAMN MUCH!!!!!!

That feels pretty sh*tty. Doesn't it?
It would feel sh*tty FOR THEM
IF I DID THAT SH*T TO THEM. 

IF I DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH NOT TO.


But the minute I walk away, I'm this, that, and the other.
FOR WALKING AWAY?

IF THEY VALUED ME, 
MAYBE THEY WOULD HAVE DONE
THE VERY LEAST THEY COULD HAVE DONE.
FOR ME.

Am I expecting the stars and the moon?
Am I expecting the world?
Am I expecting extravagance?
Anything more than the very least?

NO. I JUST WANTED THE VERY F*CKING LEAST.
AND GOT TREATED LIKE
THE VERY LEAST THEY COULD HAVE DONE
WAS TOO DAMN MUCH. 

FOR ME TO EVEN WANT!!!!!!
THE SAME THEY'D WANT!!!!!
THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP TRYING.

But at the same time, to try to treat me
LIKE I'M GOING TO TRY TO CLAW
YOUR EYES OUT 
OR TEAR YOUR GUTS OUT
JUST BECAUSE I'M FED UP WITH
BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED...

THAT P*SSES ME OFF, TOO. 
THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE EXPLAINED. 

Because if I was going to, I would have.
That goes for all kinds of things. 

If I was going to steal from you, I would have.
HAVE I EVER? HAVE I BEEN KNOWN TO?

WHY WOULD I STEAL FROM SOMEONE
I HAD FEELINGS FOR
WHO I WANTED TO BE WITH?


And then I see cases where wives
try to or actually do
k*ll their husbands... 
For insurance money or whatever.

IF YOU DON'T LOVE YOUR HUSBAND
ENOUGH NOT TO TRY TO OR ACTUALLY K*LL HIM, 
LET HIM BE WITH SOMEONE
WHO WILL LOVE HIM ENOUGH NOT TO. 
WHO WOULD NEVER. EVER.

BUT THEY ARE TOO SELFISH
TO LET SOMEONE BE LOVED PROPERLY,
BETTER THAN THEY EVER HAVE.

BECAUSE THEY COULD BE HAPPIER?
WITH SOMEONE ELSE?
BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T BE GETTING
WHATEVER YOU WERE GETTING
IN A RELATIONSHIP
YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT 
TO DO THE BARE MIN FOR?


That's like that jealous female
who kept threatening me
OVER A GUY SHE KEPT CHEATING ON. 

BECAUSE SHE WAS GETTING SOMETHING
FROM HIM. 

OR STILL WANTED WHATEVER IT WAS
HE DID FOR HER...

BECAUSE HE COULD BE DOING THAT
FOR SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY
WANTED TO BE WITH HIM!!!!

BUT NO. DON'T LET HIM BE HAPPY
WITH SOMEONE
WHO WOULDN'T CHEAT ON HIM... ETC.

Imagine being THAT POSSESSIVE?
AND INSECURE?

THAT YOU CAN'T OR WON'T
LET SOMEONE GO BE HAPPY
WITH SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO BE WITH THEM?
FAITHFUL TO THEM? ETC?

ALL BECAUSE THEY'D LOSE EVERYTHING?
THAT THEY DON'T EVEN DESERVE?
AND TOOK FOR GRANTED?

What one person takes for granted, 
another person would APPRECIATE.

Anyway, what p*sses me off about those wives...
THEY DON'T DESERVE TO EVEN BE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!
YET SOMEONE LOVED THEM ENOUGH
TO MARRY THEM!!!!!!!

And here I am, 40 f*cking years old
(almost 41) NEVER BEEN MARRIED.
PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE LOVED
AS ANYONE'S WIFE, 

BUT I DON'T WANT JUST ANYONE. 
MY EXPERIENCES TAUGHT ME THAT, AT LEAST.