Drive & Focus

Drive is usually low during a bout of depression. 
Again, being depressed isn't an excuse
not to do anything. 

Too many people use it as an excuse. 
I know, I used to. 

Sure, it's normal to feel sh*tty
when you perceive EVERYTHING AS SH*TTY.

Yes, there are sh*tty things to feel sh*tty about. 

For a really long time, 
I USED EVERY SH*TTY THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME
MY WHOLE LIFE
JUST TO STAY FEELING SH*TTY. 

DO I HAVE TO FEEL SH*TTY
BECAUSE OF XYZ? NO.
I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL SH*TTY
BECAUSE OF XYZ.

You don't have to unless what?
UNLESS YOU CONVINCE YOURSELF
THAT YOU HAVE TO.

Mostly, just doing something...
Even something small...

Is enough to feel a bit better.

If you feel a bit better, a bit at a time...
Maybe you'll gradually even out. 

Honestly, I take mood stabilizers.
For the most part, it kinda keeps me level.

Sometimes I wonder if they are actually helping
or if I just think they are helping...

Placebo effect?
Anyway, sometimes, I actually feel better.


As for the things I thought I wanted, 
turns out I didn't need those things. 

Sure, had things been different, better, 
things would have worked out, 

BUT THEY WEREN'T
AND THEY DIDN'T. 

AND THAT'S OKAY.

BECAUSE IF THEY HAD BEEN DIFFERENT, 
THEY WOULD BE DIFFERENT, NOW.


And last time I wrote about that, 
I remember writing that it applies to most things. 

INCLUDING FAMILY STUFF. 

It only helps so much though
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU REALLY
WANTED THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT,
BETTER THAN HOW THEY TURNED OUT.

Anyway, I keep trying to tell myself
THAT SOME THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT
BECAUSE THERE ARE BETTER THINGS
THAT WERE MEANT FOR ME.

I could have tried to stay in that sh*tty situation
FOR ANOTHER 6 YEARS
BUT IF I WAS THE ONLY ONE TRYING
FOR A ONE-SIDED SITUATION, 
BECAUSE I WANTED IT MORE THAN THEY DID, 

WHY TF WOULD I WANT THAT?
AND WHY SHOULD I?
WOULD YOU?

Firstly, it takes me a lot to give up.
I keep trying and trying and trying
IF SOMETHING REALLY MATTERS TO ME.

BUT THERE HAS TO BE A POINT
WHERE I ASK MYSELF.
WHY DOES THIS MATTER TO ME
AS MUCH AS IT DOES?

ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M BEING SHOWN
OVER AND OVER AND OVER
THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTED IT.

BECAUSE HAD THEY, 
THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT, RIGHT?

Anyway, that goes for a lot of things.

But kinda the way I've been looking at my life, 
even though it only helps so much, right?

AND I DO NOT NEED TO SUBJECT MYSELF
TO ANYONE'S BS
FOR THEM TO FINALLY OR EVENTUALLY
SEE MY WORTH AND TREAT ME BETTER.

THE WAY THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WHY SHOULD I BEG ANYONE?
TO EVEN LISTEN TO ME?

IF YOU DON'T, JUST F*CK OFF. 
HOW ABOUT THAT?

DO I HAVE TIME TO WASTE? NO?
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE I HAVE THINGS I WANT TO DO.

SO WHY WOULD I WASTE TIME
ON THINGS I DON'T WANT TO DO?

LIKE PUT UP WITH ANYONE'S CRAP?

The things people have done to me...
THEY WERE/ARE NOT OKAY.

EVEN AFTER SAYING "SORRY."
NO EXCUSE FOR ANY OF IT.
JUST NONE.

AND THEY KNOW IT.

And because THEY ALREADY KNOW IT.
AND CHOSE TO TREAT ME
THE WAY THEY CHOSE TO TREAT ME, 
THEY CAN'T EXPECT ME TO WAIT FOR THEM. 

I was watching a tarot reading...
The guy was saying that it's easier to move forward
AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD
THAN IT IS TO GO BACKWARDS, 
TO CATCH UP WITH SOMEONE
WHO'S YEARS BEHIND, 
AND THEN MOVE FORWARD
TO TRY TO GET BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE
WHEN YOU WERE ALREADY MOVING AHEAD.

I don't think I explained it properly. 

Like if you're already ahead, 
going backward to match up with someone
who's behind by a lot...

THEN trying to just get back where you were
BEFORE YOU WENT BACKWARD FOR THEM...

IS A LOT HARDER THAN JUST STAYING WHERE YOU ARE.
AND MOVING AHEAD FROM THERE.

Another person said to me, today, 
I don't like being around people who aren't on the level. 

I got what he said and I don't like it either.
It's like they GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO MAKE ANYTHING, ANY LITTLE THING
EITHER ABOUT THEMSELVES, 
OR ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER
THAN WHAT IT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT. 
AND MAKING IT SO MUCH HARDER
THAN IT SHOULD BE.

Shouldn't be hard to talk to people. 
AND TELL THEM SPECIFICALLY
WHAT YOU DO AND DON'T ALLOW
IN YOUR LIFE.

AND IT'S ONE THING TO TELL THEM. 
BUT IT'S ANOTHER THING TO BE ABOUT IT.


I've been told that I can be "intimidating."
Not exactly sure why. 

WHY SHOULD KNOWING AND SAYING
WHAT YOU WANT AND WHAT YOU DON'T
BE INTIMIDATING?

BECAUSE IT'S CONCISE AND TO THE POINT?
IT'S STRAIGHTFORWARD?
IT'S TO THE POINT?

IS THAT WHY IT'S INTIMIDATING?

And if YOU are letting people get in the way, 
IN BETWEEN YOU AND SOMEONE ELSE
THAT IS YOU, 
LETTING THEM GET IN BETWEEN
YOU AND SOMEONE ELSE.


I've had that happen to me, before, 
but you'd hope AN ADULT is adult enough
to decide who they want to be with. 

AND TO TELL EVERYONE ELSE
TO MIND THEIR BUSINESS.

ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO WANT TO
BE INVOLVED WHERE THEY AREN'T. 

BECAUSE WHY?
IT'S NOT THEIR BUSINESS.

They could only get in MY business
if someone let them. 

AND IF IT WASN'T ME LETTING THEM,
IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE.

WHO DIDN'T TELL THEM ALL TO P*SS RIGHT OFF. 

AND IS IT MY FAULT THEY DIDN'T TELL THEM?
OR WAS IT SUPPOSED TO BE MY JOB TO TELL THEM?
NOT TO PLAY WITH ME ETC?


Anyway, I've thought about drive and focus. 

Drive increases when energy increases.
Hard to have the "drive" to do stuff
when you're f*cking exhausted. 

And yeah, energy is sapped in bouts of depression. 

And FOCUS... 
We can't look backward and forward at the same time.

A counselor I saw, before, 
he put it this way. 

If you're holding something behind your back
and someone offers you something, 
you have to let go of what you're holding onto
to grab it.

And by grab it, to take it.

I'm talking about things like opportunities. 
But it applies to a lot of things. 

But it's true, we can't look in opposite directions
AT THE SAME TIME.

Is that why it's hard for most of us
to look forward?


TOO BUSY LOOKING BACKARDS?
OR UPSIDE DOWN?

Is that what makes it hard to look forward?

Also, I've had to give myself things to look forward to.
Even small little things.

Because without those, sometimes it's hard to have anything. 
AND YOU CAN'T EXPECT EVEN THOSE SMALL
LITTLE THINGS FROM ANYONE.
ESPECIALLY FROM SELFISH PEOPLE...
THEY WON'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO
EXCEPT THEIR BS.

Not dealing with that sh*t anymore...
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT SH*T.

IN THE LAST 6 YEARS ALONE, IT'S BEEN BS.

Even "sorry" for the BS that they KNEW was BS...
Is that supposed to "repair the damage?"
Is that supposed to "build a foundation?"

Is that supposed to do ANYTHING?

OTHER THAN SHOW REGRET FOR DOING
WHAT THEY DIDN'T F*CKING HAVE TO DO
BUT CHOSE TO DO ANYWAY?

That's pretty much all it does, for me.
It doesn't fix or repair anything.

When there was nothing TO repair, 
WHAT IS THE POINT IN TRYING TO REPAIR IT?

NEVER BUILT ANYTHING TO REPAIR!
NOT WITH ME...

GRASS ALWAYS GREENER ELSEWHERE, RIGHT?
IT'S GREEN WHERE YOU WATER IT.

Or... It's green where it's fake grass.

What I don't get about people who are fake...
Is it takes a lot of effort to be fake.

At least it would for me.

I put too much effort into ONE-SIDED things.

I get headaches like crazy lately. 
The kid upstairs screams all the time.
All I can hear is that kid upstairs.
Unless the kid is sleeping. 

I had a male friend staying with me.
He had brought up having s*x with me, 
but I'm not interested in that anymore
and just not attracted to the guy. 
Don't see him like that.

Every now and then, I hear sounds
that suggest that the people upstairs are boinking. 
One night, he heard it, too. 
He was asking me what the sound was.

I don't even have a way of confirming
what the sound actually is...

It's not moaning or whatever, 
it's a rhythmic thing.

I didn't want to bring up what I thought it was.
In case he thought that, too, and suggested
or wanted to or whatever, 
so I just said I don't know what it is.

I know there are pipes in the ceiling, 
because my ceiling has had water damage before.

So when I hear it, I tell myself, it's "the pipes." LOL.

Anyway, that's not what I was writing this post about. 
It was supposed to be about focus and drive.
But not THAT kind of drive lol. 

Going off on tangents just shows myself
that I have a focus issue, I guess. 

Maybe, depends on what it is, I guess.
Because I can focus enough on crocheting
to actually finish projects.

If I lacked focus there, I wouldn't even start any, I guess.
My focus would be elsewhere. 

I want to focus on my other projects, too. 
It's that when you have so many projects, 
it can take a while to complete any of them. 

That's why I have so many unfinished projects.
Crochet projects, knitting projects, web projects etc.

Because I try working on another thing for a bit, 
and I keep saying to myself that I'll finish that other thing
once this or that gets done first etc.

Kind of like trying to multi-task with stuff getting lost
in the details of other stuff. 

At least that is what I tell myself. 

But this year, 2025, I want to get more done
even if the only thing that helps to keep me going
is getting stuff done.

I want to say that I have so much to live for etc.
A lot of the time, it doesn't feel like it.

A lot of the time, I feel like...
Nothing I say or do makes any difference
whatsoever. 

Like... I'm just someone who gets
punched in the head, 
my mirror smashed, 
alienated from my own child, 
pushed out of my own life...

Like... If I died tomorrow, 
there'd be people saying they MISS ME
BUT THEY WERE NEVER AROUND FOR ME
IN MY LIFE.

BECAUSE IF THEY HAD WANTED TO, 
THEY JUST WOULD HAVE.

BUT DID THEY?

AND THEY'LL SAY THEY MISS ME?
THEY DON'T CALL ME, OR SAY MUCH
OF ANYTHING TO ME
IF THEY DO TALK TO ME.

That's what p*sses me off. 
PEOPLE TRYING TO ACT LIKE THEY CARE
OR CARED ALL ALONG
BUT NEVER TOOK THE TIME
TO ACTUALLY SHOW ME.

THAT I MATTERED TO THEM AT ALL. 

Anyway, I won't get the apologies that are due to me.
My ex did apologize for punching me in the head.
He wanted to get back together, 
but I couldn't. 

BECAUSE SAYING SORRY
DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY. 

I still have issues on that spot where he punched me.
Probably because my skull is thin there.

If it was right on my temple, I probably
could have f*cking died. 

It was an inch away from my temple FFS.

But was he thinking about that when he did it?
No. He just did it.


I started talking to a guy from a group I'm in on FB.
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING WITH ANYONE.
IT WAS JUST TO TALK.

The weird thing is that his seems to be a new account
and the replies he writes to me
sounds like someone asking chatgpt to write
the responses to what I respond to him. 

I've chatted with chatgpt enough to know
what chatgpt "sounds like."

I'm thinking I should do a reverse image search
and see what pops up. 

I've done that before because people catfish people
on social media, but on the internet before FB.

And that random text guy...
I called the number, once. 

Went to voicemail. 
But the name he gave in the voicemail greeting
WASN'T THE NAME HE GAVE ME.

It's like people pretend to want to get to know me
FOR ME TO DIVULGE INFO ABOUT MYSELF
TO USE IN SOME TYPE OF WAY.
IT'S F*CKED UP.


What happened to actually getting to know each other?
BECAUSE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN FOR ME.

BUT THEY WANT ME TO BE THERE
TO DO WHATEVER IT WAS I DID FOR THEM
THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO FOR THEM. 

THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT.
OR THEY'D CARE HOW I FEEL.

THEY'D GET WHY I'M P*SSED OFF. 
THEY WOULDN'T DO TO ME
ALL THE BS THINGS OTHERS DID TO ME.

When I gave them chance after chance
NOT TO DO THOSE BS THINGS.

But then there are guys
WHO WOULD NOT GIVE ME A CHANCE
BECAUSE OTHER GIRLS 
DID WHATEVER IT WAS TO THEM, 
AND THEY STILL CHOSE THEM 
OVER ME
WHO WOULDN'T AND WASN'T GOING TO
DO ANY OF THOSE BS THINGS TO THEM. 

BUT THEY WANTED TO TREAT ME
AS THOUGH I F*CKING WOULD, TOO. 
THAT'S BS.

TO JUST ASSUME SH*T ABOUT ME, 
NOT ASK ME ANYTHING, 
AND TREAT ME LIKE I'M WHATEVER.


Anyway, by now, I've already written about this stuff. 
So many times that I don't have to, anymore.

I shouldn't even feel LIKE I HAVE TO F*CKING SAY IT.
TO TRY TO DRIVE IT HOME.
FOR ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND MY POV.

BECAUSE IT SEEMS
THAT PEOPLE WANT ME TO SEE THEIRS.
A LOT OF THE TIME, I ACTUALLY DO, 
BUT DO THEY SEE MINE?
DO THEY EVEN WANT TO SEE MINE?
NO. BUT THEY WANT ME TO SEE THEIRS.

THAT P*SSES ME OFF, TOO. 
DOUBLE STANDARD SH*T. 

They want ME to xyz for them, 
see their pov, 
WANT ME NOT TO DO XYZ TO THEM
AND TURN AROUND AND DO XYZ TO ME.

BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE DID XYZ TO THEM?
SHOULD I HAVE TO SUFFER
FOR BS SOMEONE ELSE DID?

Should any future partner have to suffer
BECAUSE MIRROR SMASHER SMASHED MY MIRROR?
OR BECAUSE HEAD PUNCHER PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD?

OR ANY OF THE THINGS ANY GUY EVER DID TO ME?

NO. BECAUSE FUTURE PARTNER
ISN'T THOSE GUYS.
WHY SHOULD HE HAVE TO PAY
FOR THINGS HE DIDN'T DO?

JUST LIKE WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO PAY
FOR THINGS I NEVER DID
AND WOULDN'T DO -
BECAUSE I'M NOT THOSE GIRLS
WHO DO THAT SH*T.

1) I'm 40 years old. By now, you'd think I've learned
at least a few things about myself... 

2) I'm not going to "fight" for my feelings
to be understood, valued, etc.

3) If anyone shows me their level of maturity, 
I know well enough to believe what they are showing. 

EVEN IF IT'S F*CKING HARD TO BELIEVE!

BECAUSE MANY PEOPLE WHO WERE IN MY LIFE
TO WHATEVER DEGREE THEY WERE, 
DID SH*T I NEVER THOUGHT THEY WOULD DO.

DOES THAT MAKE IT HARD TO TRUST?
YEAH. IT DOES. BIG TIME.

So sometimes, I tell myself I'm better off
BEING ALONE
UNTIL I FEEL AS THOUGH
I CAN ACTUALLY TRUST SOMEONE.

WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO SHOW ME
THEY AREN'T ABOUT THAT SH*T.
THAT THEY WOULDN'T. EVER. PERIOD.

But how hard is it to trust myself TO trust someone?
WHEN THE PEOPLE I TRUSTED, 
IN MY LIFE, 
USED ME?
TREATED ME LIKE THEY DIDN'T CARE
IF I WAS THERE OR NOT?

AND DID THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT
IN A MILLION YEARS THEY'D HAVE DONE?


This is WHY I am okay NOT GOING THERE ANYMORE.
BECAUSE WHY?
TO BE USED? TAKEN FOR GRANTED?
DISCARDED? DISRESPECTED? 
EVEN F*CKING INJURED IN AT LEAST ONE CASE.

I CAN GET OVER "HURT FEELINGS"
But I'm not over being punched in the head.

AND I COULD HAVE F*CKING HIT HIM BACK.
BUT WHAT WOULD THAT HAVE DONE?

He can't say he hit me in "self-defence"
Like he was trying to claim. 

BECAUSE HE HAD ME BY BOTH MY WRISTS.
LET GO OF ONE TO PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD.

HOW IS THAT SELF DEFENCE?
BECAUSE I TRIED TO KICK HIM
FOR GRABBING ME BY THE WRISTS????



Someone grabbed me by the wrists recently. 
Because he was trying to pull me towards him
to lay down with him, 
BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO.
I WASN'T THERE FOR THAT.

THAT SH*T P*SSES ME OFF!!!!
I DON'T F*CKING GRAB YOU BY THE WRISTS
TO TRY TO MAKE YOU DO
WHATEVER IT IS THAT I WANT YOU TO DO.
SO DON'T DO THAT SH*T TO ME?

Guaranteed he doesn't do that to certain people.
BECAUSE THEY'D BE WTF ARE YOU DOING?

He did it once because he wanted to kiss me.
The recent one was the second time.

The next time I see him, I'm bringing it up. 
I'm going to tell him not to do that to me again. 
He already did it twice. 

1) It's disrespectful
2) IT'S TO TRY TO CONTROL ME.
3) I DON'T DO THAT SH*T TO HIM. 
4) HE WOULDN'T DO THAT TO CERTAIN PEOPLE.

PEOPLE ARE THAT F*CKING SELFISH WITH ME.
AS TO GRAB ME BY THE WRISTS
TO TRY TO CONTROL ME.

THAT P*SSES ME OFF SO MUCH!!!

And what if I did that to them?
WOULD THEY HAVE LIKED ME
TRYING TO CONTROL THEM?
BEING SELFISH ENOUGH TO EVEN WANT TO?
JUST GRAB THEM BY THE WRISTS?

AS THOUGH I HAD A RIGHT TO DO THAT?
JUST BECAUSE I WANTED TO?
OR DID IT BECAUSE I WANTED SOMETHING ELSE?

That's the kind of sh*t
that makes me not want to be around anyone.

Even though not everyone is THAT selfish.
AND THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ME.