The 70s squares thing is done and gone out now.
The squares I made, I joined them together.
I have to sew in the ends, so I haven't started on that,
but the other squares that came with the 70s squares,
I've started joining them.
I'm making "strips of five."
5 squares lined up together, joined together.
And I have at least 40 squares.
Because I have enough squares to make 8 strips of five.
I'm using up the rest of the beige that came with the 70s squares.
For these squares.
So each day, I'm trying to put together a strip of five.
8 days to make the strips, then I have to join the strips.
I have these ones I'm working with,
then I have some knitted squares to join.
I'm going to try to form a rectangle
with them and keep going around that.
I have another blanket I'm working on, also.
Apart from that, I have that web stuff.
I wanted to get the PDFs done for Christmas,
but that didn't happen.
Been really tired lately.
Didn't do much today, just took it easy.
I should take my medication and go to bed soon.
Anyway, tonight, I watched a mock documentary.
It was pretty good.
It's called Howard's Mill.
It is about time travel disappearances.
It was pretty decent.
Then I watched another episode of hoarders.
A lady had 20k tons of garbage in her house.
Floor to ceiling.
And there's one I plan to watch soon,
where they had the team help them
only to end up in the same situation afterward.
I helped people like that.
SPENT HOURS HELPING THEM
TO CLEAN THEIR PLACE
ONLY FOR THEM TO DESTROY IT AGAIN.
LIKE WHY BOTHER HELPING SOMEONE
JUST FOR THEM TO GO RIGHT BACK
TO HOW THINGS WERE BEFORE?
It's one thing to have your place cleaned...
IT'S ANOTHER NOT TO KEEP IT CLEAN.
Sadly, some people don't know how to clean.
They don't need to be living in hoards.
But according to the show, there are around
19 million Americans that are hoarders.
I even saw a couple from here on the show.
Was surprising because I rarely see O-Town in anything.
I just feel exhausted. Like sapped of energy.
Makes me want to sleep for a thousand years.
Had really weird dreams where my legs were
somewhat attached to my body, but not quite.
It was really, really weird.
Been waking up stiff af too.
There's a meme thing I saw
where an older couple is talking to each other.
The lady said that her joints are stiff.
The dude said it's because she rolls them too tight lol.
I'm out of weed for now.
It sucks, but it is what it is.
Usually, I get pre-milled
and I've got a one-hitter pipe.
And that usually lasts me a month.
I have to really try to budget this month
very carefully and very tightly.
I have those jackets, still.
Hopefully those guys at the consignment shop'll
sell them for me.
The ladies clothing consignment shop,
Ideally I would like to sell with them,
but I don't think I will be.
They seem too bougie or whatever.
And yeah they are looking for specific "brands."
Plus, for whatever reason, things haven't been easy
dealing with other females.
Ideally, it wouldn't even be a thing.
Ideally, I'd never have those issues. With anyone, ever.
However, those things seem to still happen. It's bs.
I could be minding my own business, completely,
ad out of nowhere someone will want to
try to compete or play head games.
Or try to start a whole f*cking drama.
JUST BECAUSE THEY GET MAD
THAT I'M JUST BEING MYSELF.
AND THEY SEEM TO GET
OTHER PEOPLE
WHO I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH
INVOLVED IN IT ETC.
"STRENGTH IN NUMBERS"
LIKE THE MORE THEY GET ON THE HATE TRAIN
THE STRONGER THEY ARE SOMEHOW.
WHEN I NEVER DID ANYTHING
TO ANY OF THEM
AND THEY ALL KNOW IT.
It'd be like me coming for all of them.
To "get" something out of it.
It's slow to load tonight.
Trying to load a video.
Earlier, I had zero issues.
Now it's taking forever.
Just when I want to get ready for bed...
Has to start being too slow.
--------------------
Anyway, today's been slightly better.
Can't explain why, but it just feels better.
I'm going to get a head start on cleaning my place.
I started a ritual thing where every year,
on the first day of the year,
I do a deep clean of my place.
A DEEP clean.
My place needs it because I've been pretty depressed.
Depression shouldn't be an excuse not to do stuff.
But anyway, that's something that I do.
And it feels better after that's done.
Like at least an hour cleaning each room.
I ordered a pizza tonight and the delivery guy
he remembered me.
When I had pretty bad acne,
he actually went out of his way
to get me and bring me skin cream for my acne.
He told me that I look a lot better now.
I think he meant in general.
Maybe when you feel better, you look better?
Could be a possibility.
Anyway, what's been on my brain?
Getting my downloads page done.
I'm going to make a video,
showing the PDFs in the video.
Also, I'm going to add another video
about PLR (Private Label Rights)
and I'll include that video, and the license.
Then, I kinda want to sell a PDF for like $10.
About how to use the PDF tool that converts
PDFs into Google Docs so they can edit the PDF
and include their own affiliate links
in the PDFs and then give away their edited PDFs.
So that's the plan for that site.
The plan for the dog site is to have some
free downloads too.
People like free stuff, including info.
Especially if it's info that can help them out.
Whether it's to help them join an affiliate program
or achieve some goal, or get specific results.
I do have some goals for this year, for 2025.
To do with my web stuff and to do with affiliate marketing,
and some personal goals as well.
Anyway, it was nice the guy remembered me
and thought about me.
Don't usually get that.
If anything I'd get "What happened to your face?!"
People thinking I got burned on my face or something.
Cystic acne, I can say I've experienced it. Not fun.
Especially when it leaves scars...
I guess a few scars kinda define my face lol.
But whatever. I was probably not meant to have
flawless skin.
And I don't want to "cake on" makeup
to pretend that I do.
When I do wear makeup, it feels weird on my face.
So I just don't usually wear it.
Especially eye makeup.
It feels "heavy" on my eyes, even though
I don't even use very much of it.
So, no, I am not a "typical" girl who's into that stuff.
I gave up on that and when I had weird experiences
I just didn't want to, anymore.
Weird experiences as in "unwanted attention."
It just felt really gross.
Like the guy I talked to who just pulled it out.
We were just having a conversation,
like small talk stuff,
and because we weren't around other people,
he decided to pull it out. WTF, eh?
I wasn't wearing makeup that day.
But creepy experiences that just make my stomach
want to do the high jump...
I could do without those.
And keeping to myself more and more,
less and less of a chance of that.
It sucks because it'd be nice to have a nice conversation
WITHOUT ANY OF THAT BS. Y'know?
So yeah, I guess feeling better makes a difference.
Not just a difference in how you feel,
but how you think, too.
Our thoughts influence our feelings.
And our feelings influence our thoughts.
And I heard somewhere that every thought we think
attracts 7 other thoughts along the same lines as that one thought.
See how easy it is to spiral downwards?
Well, what if I told you that there's another spiral?
The spiral upwards?
It can be really f*cking hard to climb your way
OUT OF DEPRESSION.
I know, I was an alcoholic.
ALCOHOL IS A DEPRESSANT.
It's a myth that you'll feel better,
because even if you do, it's temporary,
and you end up "crashing" from that feeling,
if you even feel better at all.
I think what's helping me feel better is knowing
that 2024 is coming to an end.
A new year full of possibilities just on the horizon.
I think that this year was hard on many of us.
So we'll see how 2025 goes. It might go better
than we'd even hoped it'd be.
Maybe that's just me trying to be optimistic,
but I've had a lot of really sh*tty years.
Can't all be sh*tty, right?
I've listened to some predictions for 2025.
We'll see what comes of those.
I'd be happy to just tackle my debt and save up this year,
and get out of my financial rut.
The two main jobs I've had,
I don't want to work in those fields anymore.
Those fields aren't fulfilling to me.
Plus, I've worked for crappy companies
that weren't run well.
Or managed well.
These strips for this blanket are working up well.
I'll hopefully be done with this beige wool.
It's so old that it has Eaton's labels on the skeins lol.
That's what it's called. A skein of wool.
I would rather a skein than a hank of wool.
Hanks take a bit to wind up.
Every time I've tried working with hanks,
I get them tangled and have to keep breaking it
to join it to a piece I got untangled.
I have the patience to knit and crochet,
but not enough to sort out hanks.
I've thought about getting a ball winder or something.
What I'd like to do, is get a loom, and weave.
Also, it'd be neat to spin some... "tuft" into wool.
I keep forgetting the word for it, but it's called "roving."
I keep calling it tuft because that's what it looks like.
I'd be awesome to make my own roving,
even by deconstructing some of the wool I have here,
and spinning it with other stuff
to make new stuff.
Hard to explain exactly what I'd like to do,
in that regard, because it's an idea I had
that I can't really put into words.
That's a thing for me. Not knowing how
to put some stuff into words...
Even in writing, it's easier for me to
articulate myself, but...
Even then... It's still kinda challenging for me.
I guess without writing, I'd either be forced to
learn how to verbally communicate.
Or I just wouldn't? I don't know.
But easy to assume someone's intellect
when they don't communicate well, verbally.
I was watching a movie, the other night...
It's called Homecoming.
Anyway, there's a part where a woman
who was the Grandmother of 4 kids
she hadn't met before,
they show up at her house,
and she'd heard from relatives
that the second youngest child
wasn't 'communicative' and was thought to be
"ret@rded."
I'm only using it because it was the word
they used in the movie.
I usually avoid saying it.
So the kid says, in the movie:
"I don't know quite what that means,
but if it's such a bad thing to be,
why do you want to know?"
The why part...
A girl at my high school,
she was trying to embarrass me in front of
other students in our class.
I was pregnant at the time,
and she was asking me how old my ex was.
He's 14 years older than me.
So I asked her:
"Does it really matter how old he is?"
She said no, it didn't.
So I asked: "If it doesn't matter,
why are you asking me?"
She couldn't admit that she was trying
to embarrass me.
I ended up embarrassing her.
BY ASKING HER WHY SHE WAS ASKING ME.
BECAUSE IT WAS VERY APPARENT,
TO ME, WHY SHE WAS ASKING ME.
Anyway, "why do you want to know?"
"Why are you asking me?"
Stuff like that...
USUALLY THEY DON'T WANT TO ANSWER
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO
ADMIT WHY.
Anyway, after that, she didn't try
to embarrass me again.
I think I embarrassed her
for trying to embarrass me.
BUT WHEN YOU EMBARRASS SOMEONE
FOR TRYING TO EMBARRASS YOU,
THEY'LL STOP TRYING TO.
IF THEY HAVE ANY SENSE.
Because why would they take the chance
TO TRY TO EMBARRASS YOU AGAIN
ONLY TO BE EMBARRASSED
FOR TRYING TO EMBARRASS YOU?
It's pretty embarrassing when you get caught.
When it's been made apparent why
BY ASKING WHY.
It was apparent to me before I asked her why.
But I did that to see her reaction.
She wanted everyone who heard her
TO REACT TO ME.
INSTEAD THEY ASKED THEMSELVES WHY
SHE WOULDN'T SAY WHY
SHE WAS ASKING ME.
LET THEM REACH THEIR OWN CONCLUSIONS.
Anyway, that came to mind.
Sometimes, when you're answering a question
with a question, it gets them to think.
The guy who did that, for me,
He had a way of asking the questions.
In a way that said that the questions were for me
TO ACTUALLY ASK MYSELF.
AND THE ANSWERS WERE FOR ME, TOO.
HE DIDN'T GAF IF I ASKED MYSELF, OR NOT,
BUT HE ASKED IN A WAY
THAT MADE ME HAVE TO ASK MYSELF.
AND AGAIN, THE ANSWERS WERE FOR ME.
HE DIDN'T GAF WHAT THE ANSWERS WERE, EITHER.
BECAUSE THOSE WERE FOR ME.
Just like when I ask some questions on here,
the questions are for you to ask yourself.
The answers aren't for me.
Someone told me once,
that a lot of detectives ALREADY KNOW
THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS THEY ASK.
NOT ALL THE QUESTIONS, BUT A LOT.
And they ask the questions to see
if their suspect is going to straight up lie to them.
I mean, yeah, I've probably lied to myself...
Maybe we all have lied to ourselves,
probably more than once.
Every time we pretend to be happy,
we're lying to ourselves.
It's okay to feel "not okay."
Lots of times I felt "not okay."
Could I talk about it with anyone, though?
AFTER MY EX AND I BROKE UP,
I WAS WITH MY MOM FOR THANKSGIVING.
I TOLD HER I WAS SAD
AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN LET ME SAY
WHAT I WAS SAD ABOUT.
SHE PUSHED MY FEELINGS ASIDE.
"TODAY'S THANKSGIVING. BE SAD ANOTHER DAY."
So what is the use of telling her HOW I FEEL?
OR WHY I FEEL THE WAY I FEEL?
99% OF THE PEOPLE I'VE BEEN P*SSED OFF AT,
DIDN'T HAVE ANY F*CKING IDEA
WHY I WAS P*SSED OFF.
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN
AND REFUSED TO SEE THINGS
FROM MY POV.
If they had, WOULD THEY KNOW?
That's what p*sses me off MORE
than what I was p*ssed off ABOUT.
BECAUSE WOULDN'T THEY WANT ME
TO LOOK AT IT
FROM THEIR POV?
TO "GET" WHY THEY'D BE P*SSED OFF?
AND IF I REFUSED TO DO THAT,
I SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THINGS
THAT SHOULD GO WITHOUT F*CKING SAYING.
LIKE "DON'T PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD
OR HIT ME AT ALL."
"DON'T SMASH MY ANTIQUES WITH MY BAT
OR AT ALL."
"DON'T ACT LIKE A TW@T TO ME."
Like I shouldn't have to explain WHY I'm p*ssed off.
WHEN IT'S A REASON
THAT ANYONE WOULD BE P*SSED OFF...
EVEN THEM IF I DID THAT TO THEM.
SO WHY WOULDN'T I BE?
DON'T ACT SURPRISED.
Playing stupid and acting surprised,
that kinda p*sses me off.
BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO PLAY STUPID
KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
AND WHY YOU'RE SAYING IT.
THEY JUST TRY TO ACT LIKE THEY DON'T
TO AVOID TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY
FOR THEIR BS.
There are countless "tactic" people try to use
TO AVOID TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY.
BUT PLAYING STUPID IS ONE OF THEM.
If they are really actually stupid, then...
YOU CAN'T FORCE THEM TO UNDERSTAND,
BECAUSE THEY WON'T.
NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY.
But the ones who play stupid, they know.
They know that you know that they know
that they are playing stupid.
And if you want to PLAY STUPID GAMES WITH ME,
YOU'LL WIN STUPID PRIZES.
ZONK!
GET BONKED WITH A ZONK.
WOMP. WOMP.
*Price is right fail horn*
C'mon, you know you heard it in your head.
When a bunch of things WOULD P*SS THEM
OR ANYONE OFF,
THEY CAN'T BE SURPRISED
WHEN IT P*SSES ME OFF, TOO.
I don't ask for a lot.
Pretty much TO UNDERSTAND
WHY I WOULD BE P*SSED OFF.
AND JUST NOT TO F*CKING GO
OUT OF YOUR WAY
TO DO OR BE
WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO OR BE.
IN GENERAL,
BUT YEAH, TOWARD ME.
Is that a lot to ask for?
It shouldn't be, to the right person.
WITH THE RIGHT PERSON
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK FOR THAT.
OR F*CKING BEG FOR IT FFS.
WHY WOULD YOU HAVE TO?
WITH THE RIGHT PERSON?
Anyway, just tired and working on these squares.
Each day, I complete a bit more,
and it's closer to being done.
Kind of like getting caught up with stuff.
Cleaning, etc.
Anyway, it'll be tight, probably,
but if I can do it, I can do it.
Lots of things I thought I couldn't do,
that I ended up doing.
BUT COULD I HAVE DONE ANY OF THE THINGS
I THOUGHT I COULDN'T DO
HAD I NOT TRIED?
Sometimes I look at it like trying to push
a boulder up a hill.
As heavy as it can get and be...
IF I HAD TOLD MYSELF
THAT I COULDN'T AND REFUSED TO TRY
I WOULDN'T HAVE SEEN
THAT I COULD.
Sometimes I watch a channel called Sean of Steel.
He is a former 600lb person.
He had the surgery.
He makes reaction videos to the show called:
My 600lb Life.
Anyway, it's kind of like that.
One dude actually lost 600lbs.
He was like 900lbs.
BUT COULD HE HAVE LOST 600LBS
IF HE HADN'T EVEN TRIED?
A LOT OF THEM DON'T.
THEY DON'T TRY, THEY DON'T COMMIT THEMSELVES
TO DIETING, EXERCISING, ETC.
That's also kinda like affiliate marketing.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU CAN
MAKE MONEY ONLINE IF YOU NEVER TRIED?
And it's not like an instant thing.
The first time I made money online
was selling hats I made.
I don't do it all the time
because 1) it takes like 4 hours to make one hat.
2) I've only sold to a couple of people.
3) If I HAD to knit, I probably wouldn't enjoy it as much.
The second time I made some money, it was one of those
print on demand sites.
Someone ordered a photo I took in a frame.
The thing is with that site, though,
the markups are high and that's because
if you add the option for the frame,
you add the price of the frame.
So something that ends up costing the customer
like $65, you end up with a lot less than that.
It's a cool concept and you can get anything
printed on anything, even shower curtains.
And the third time was actually affiliate commissions.
It's possible to make money online.
Just to make A LOT of money online,
you have to be good at what you do, for one...
For two, you have to get in front of people
WHO WANT TO BUY YOUR STUFF.
That's why I end up giving away stuff.
What I knit and crochet for the knitting group,
GETS DONATED.
The PDFs I'm writing, are going to be
free downloads.
Sometimes you can make money
WITHOUT SELLING ANYTHING.
LIKE CPA. COST PER ACTION.
You can get paid to get people to enter
their name and email in a form
for a free give away.
"Enter for a chance to win xyz."
Companies pay people to do that.
It's a type of affiliate marketing.
Because the people putting the CPA offers
in front of other people are doing the marketing.
Well, half the marketing.
The other half of the marketing,
is the OFFER.
I don't know why, but that thing "My pet rock"
came into my mind.
Literally, they were selling rocks, as pets.
It was a pretty big trend.
For as long as it lasted.
But yeah, there are opportunities out there.
To actually make money
WITHOUT SELLING ANYTHING.
SOME PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BUY ANYTHING.
AND SOME PEOPLE WANT TO
BUT THEY ARE F*CKING BROKE...
When I was a janitor, I was making some money,
but I wasn't happy doing what I was doing.
BESIDES NOT BEING HAPPY THERE,
THEY TRY TO PILE ON AS MUCH WORK AS THEY CAN.
TRY TO TREAT YOU LIKE A MACHINE...
AND ALL THE CASHIERS THAT THEY
"DIDN'T NEED ANYMORE"
BECAUSE SELF-CHECK OUT STARTED.
Someone said to me, once,
BE SO GOOD THAT THEY CAN'T REPLACE YOU.
That's not as easy as it sounds/seems, but he had a point.
It's nothing for them to fire a cleaner and hire another, right?
It's nothing for them to fire a cashier and replace with machines, right?
It's nothing for them because they can.
And because they can, they do.
And who does it affect? You!
And I'll tell you something....
A boss I had was French.
He thought I couldn't speak or understand French.
I didn't tell him I could...
But because he thought I couldn't,
he said some things in front of me
THAT HE SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID
IN FRONT OF ME.
Like when he wanted me to "train" my replacement,
HE OFFERED HER MORE MONEY, TO START
THAN HE WAS PAYING ME.
IN FRENCH.
AND PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE SPOKE FRENCH.
WHO F*CKING NEEDS A BOSS LIKE THAT?!
That's part of WHY I don't usually tell people
I know some French.
I know more French when I hear it and read it
than to speak it, but I still know.
I don't say anything about knowing some French because
I WANT TO SEE WHAT THEY WILL SAY
IN FRONT OF ME
AS THOUGH I DON'T KNOW
WTF THEY ARE SAYING.
And when they know I know what they said
they're sometimes shocked.
English girl understood us?
Yeah.
English girl who went to a French school.
Anyway, not only will they and can they REPLACE YOU,
THEY'LL PAY EVEN MORE
THAN YOU WERE GETTING PAID.
SO WHY DO THAT TO YOURSELF.
DON'T YOU DESERVE TO BE PAID
WHAT YOU'RE WORTH?
Someone was saying that people who make $$$$
are either getting paid for the product, the service,
the product AND the service,
OR THE RESULT.
PEOPLE WILL PAY $$$$
TO ACHIEVE A SPECIFIC RESULT.
BECAUSE IT'S THE RESULT THEY WANT.
And here's a thing about results.
HOW CAN YOU GET RESULTS
IF YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO GET THEM?
IF YOU KEEP DOING THE SAME THINGS
EVERY SINGLE DAY,
WHAT RESULTS FROM THAT?
DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
WHAT THINGS YOU'RE DOING.
Because to get specific results,
you have to do specific things.
IF THE GUY WHO LOST 600LBS...
HE HAD TO DO SPECIFIC THINGS
TO LOSE THAT WEIGHT.
HE HAD TO STOP DOING SPECIFIC THINGS
THAT WASN'T TAKING THE WEIGHT OFF,
EITHER KEEPING IT ON,
OR INCEASING IT.
He had to follow the "program" to a T.
Because f*cking around, he found out.
F*cking around is why he had the extra 600lbs TO lose.
F*cking around kept me scraping by, for most of my life.
Without a plan, how are you going to get there?
If you don't know where you're going,
ANY ROAD WILL TAKE YOU THERE.
Yeah, that's from Alice in Wonderland.
But, really, you can wander mindlessly and aimlessly
YOUR WHOLE LIFE
BUT THE ONLY ONE WHO'LL BE ABLE
TO STOP YOU FROM DOING IT,
IS WHO? YOU.
You think I was going to just magically find
THE ONE PERSON WHO'D UNDERSTAND ME
SO F*CKING WELL THAT THEY WOULD KNOW
WHAT P*SSES ME OFF AND WHY...
THAT LOVE AND ROMANCE WERE THE ONLY THINGS
I THOUGHT WOULD DRAG ME OUT OF MY DEPRESSION ETC...
BUT NO. TRIED THAT ROUTE.
DIDN'T GET THE ROMANCE I HAD SOUGHT.
DIDN'T GET THE UNDERSTANDING I HAD SOUGHT.
But in the end, was THAT going to pull me out? Drag me out?
OR WAS THAT UP TO ME?
THE WHOLE DAMN TIME?
It was up to me, the whole damn time.
I get why people get jobs etc,
to get paid for their time and work.
BUT ARE THEY GETTING PAID
FOR THEIR EXPERIENCE?
AND ARE THEY MAKING SOMEONE ELSE MONEY?
SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE
UNLESS THEY ARE MAKING MONEY,
AND EVEN THEN?
I HAD A CONCUSSION FROM BEING PUNCHED IN THE HEAD.
AND MY BOSS STILL WANTED ME TO WORK.
THEY ONLY F*CKING CARE ABOUT THE MONEY, PERIOD.
Someone wrote, today, that he heard some brutal truth.
He said that someone told him
THAT NOBODY'S COMING TO SAVE US.
I used to think that I needed someone to be in my life
To, in some way, save me from myself.
My self-destruction.
BUT WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO?
BECAUSE THEY LOVED ME?
WANTED THAT FOR ME?
BUT WAS I BEING F*CKING SELFISH
TO EVEN THINK LIKE THAT?
AND TO HOPE THEY WOULD?
WAS I BEING SELFISH? YEAH.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT ANYONE'S JOB BUT YOURS.
TO PULL YOURSELF OUT OF THAT THINKING,
ALL THE BS THAT YOU THINK.
ABOUT YOURSELF, ABOUT EVERYTHING.
THE BS DEPRESSION THOUGHTS.
No comments:
Post a Comment