Hi Chews

Took a walk tonight. Bought some candy, soda, 
and "stuffed cheesy bread."

Then I took a long walk, just got home
not long ago.

Lit some intense and gonna light a joint.

My legs shouldn't hurt this much from just walking.
Gotta use what you've got.
Muscles can atrophy.

I was going to get some ice cream, but I got candy.
"Bottle caps" and "Hi Chews"
And I got a chocolate bar.

And I won $2 on the lottery ticket, 
one of the ones I got last time.

The other one I didn't scratch yet
because I forgot I bought it.

Because I rarely do.

I used to get them more.
Most I won was around $20.
From a scratch ticket.

Still think it'd be rad to win cash for life.
I think it's 1k/week or something.

Could live off that. 
And it's for life.

No worries from there on out.

Then I got some sprite.
Sprite helped me quit drinking.
I drank a lot of Sprite and Gingerale
when I first quit drinking.

There's actually sugar in alcohol. 
Kind of like replacing sugar for sugar.

Makes it easier, kind of.

Sugar is a hard one to quit.
Says one who just loaded up on candy FFS.

I met an actual sugar addict.
He went through bags of sugar.
I rarely have it in the house.

The only thing I use it for is tea.
I haven't even been drinking much tea lately.

Still working my way through the memorial tin.
It's a memorial tin for the Queen.

A school I went to was called Queen Elizabeth. 
We called it Queen E.

I went by it a couple of years ago.

That school, I was the only girl in my class.
It was a small class for the kids with
"behavioral issues."
Called SSU.

Special Support Unit.

I was in one in the 4th grade, 
only girl in that class, too. 

And one in high school. 
The one I was kicked out of
for "cutting."
F*CKED UP REASON TO KICK A KID
OUT OF SCHOOL. 
BUT THAT WAS THAT.

Was probably a good thing that I did, though.

A couple of schools, I couldn't get into.
They said because my grades were too high.
Which seems like a stupid reason
to not be allowed to go to a school.
But that was that.

Anyway, glad to be done school. 

I guess it was something to do, 
but it doesn't really prepare anyone
for "the real world."

There are practical skills that haven't been taught.
That should be taught
and not everyone has someone to teach them. 

But hard to teach kids who think they know
EVERYTHING.

As much as some people DO know, 
there's a lot left to learn. 

So much that it would HUMBLE know-it-alls.

It's one thing to feel confident in/with
the knowledge one already has, 
but knowing that there's still so much to know...
So much that we likely don't know how much...

I remember a couple of cool dreams I had.
One place was a library with at least 6 floors
and elevators, I think 11 floors or more.

Mostly a library with offices above it.

Another place was like a hotel on one side
and a conference center on the other side.

The conference center was like an open concept type place.
Different floors, but also a center "stage" with levels of seating.

Like those college classrooms that have that one level of seating, 
like that, but multiple levels...

Kind of like an auditorium. 
But a multi-level mega one.

I was thinking of the library because there are thousands of books.
Some on the same topic. 

But can we read all of them in our life?
So how could we ever know EVERYTHING?

That thing about capacity, maybe capacity to know, 
capacity to think and feel, 
capacity to care, 
capacity to see, 
capacity to understand.

Probably others, but those come to mind.

Maybe some people are at a cap
in their development.
Even me, probably.

Being a loner isn't bad, it gives you time
away from people's influences
to have a better influence over yourself.

I know it sounds stupid, but when I was 'under the influence'
drunk... I couldn't see how alcohol was affecting me
while it was affecting me.

It's easier to see how it affects someone else.
It's when you realize you really were THAT bad.

When people have seen you like THAT, 
it can be hard for them to see you as anything 
other than THAT.

Kind of how some people think
ONCE AN ALCOHOLIC, 
ALWAYS AN ALCOHOLIC.

I like to say I'm a former alcoholic.
It's weird, but the gas station has started selling
beer and wine. I noticed that tonight.

I don't miss getting or being drunk, actually. 
I don't miss puking or hangovers, either.

I think it was just a way to "numb" stuff. 
Stuff I didn't want to "deal with"
and not like anyone taught me how to "deal with"
stuff like this.

How can people who don't know how,
TEACH HOW?

KINDA LIKE HOW PROGRESS IS SLOW
WHEN YOU'RE LEARNING ON YOUR OWN.
AND ONLY HAVE YOURSELF
TO GUIDE YOURSELF
THROUGH WHAT YOU'RE LEARNING...

I'd like to say that is part of the reason why
PROGRESS HAS BEEN SLOW.



Pretty sure I started drinking after my father died.

I was really angry. Mostly at him. 
And I didn't want to be living with my mother.
And her husband.

They treated me like I wasn't going through
WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH.
I'D RATHER BE ALONE, ALONE.

I stayed with a family from church for a year.
They decided I should go back home.

I tried that. 
I stayed with my Grandparents for a bit, 
then I was in foster care, foster parents, 
and 10 group homes.

I went back to live with my Grandmother
Close to when I turned 16, 
and I found a note for me on the counter
to move out of there.

I ended up leaving which I regret that I did, 
but things went the way they went.

If they had been different - then, 
they'd be different now.


APPLIES TO MANY THINGS.

IF I HAD BEEN DIFFERENT, TOO, THOUGH.
NOT JUST THINGS BEING THINGS.
I WAS WHO I WAS.

AT THAT TIME.

OF COURSE I HAVE MY REGRETS.
BUT I HAD TO LEARN.

I HAD TO LEARN ABOUT REGRET.
I HAD TO TEACH ABOUT IT, TOO.

BY LETTING PEOPLE LEAVE MY LIFE
OR SEEING WHO PUSHES ME TO...

WALK TF AWAY.
OR RUN LOL.


what did I have to walk away from, though?
People who didn't want to take responsibility
FOR THEIR OWN CHOICES?
AND ACTIONS?

AND IF SOMEONE WALKED TF AWAY FROM ME
FOR BEING A TW@T, 
I COULDN'T BLAME THEM
THAT I CHOSE TO BE ONE.

THAT THEY GAVE ME CHANCE AFTER CHANCE
NOT TO BE ONE.

NOT TO EXPECT ME TO PULL THE WEIGHT
THAT THEY COULD BE PULLING, TOO, 
BY WHAT?
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THEIR OWN CHOICES & ACTIONS.

Did mirror smasher HAVE TO go out of his way
TO SMASH MY MIRROR?

Did head puncher HAVE TO go out of his way
TO PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD?

Did anyone who went out of their way
to whatever, to or towards me,
HAVE TO GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO DO WHATEVER
THEY WENT OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO DO?

No! But did that stop them?

Shouldn't that have been enough?
Not to do whatever?

Look, I ask former versions of myself
"WTF ARE YOU DOING?"

ESPECIALLY THE TIMES I PUT UP WITH SH*T
I NEVER F*CKING SIGNED UP FOR.
AND GAVE TOO MANY CHANCES.

TO PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO PLAY GAMES.
WANTING ME TO MAKE A MOVE
WHEN THAT SHOULD BE UP TO THEM
CONSIDERING THEY PUSHED ME AWAY.

AND EVEN HAVING DONE THAT
IS A REASON I KINDA WANT TO STAY AWAY.

By kinda, I guess some old parts of me
are still there, when I cared. 

In general, but for the person
WHO PUSHED ME AWAY
WHO ONLY WANTED 
WHAT THEY WANTED.

WANTED ME TO KEEP
TRYING TO FIX SOMETHING
I DIDN'T BREAK.

Did I smash a family heirloom?
Did I punch him in the head?
Even after he punched me?

But I was the one supposed to...
I dunno what anyone was ever trying to get
from waiting me out.

DID THEY HEAR ME
WHEN I WAS TELLING THEM WHY
I WAS UPSET IN THE FIRST PLACE?

THE POINTS I MADE?
VALID POINTS?

No. Because why?
They were being selfish
and didn't care how I felt
AND THAT I WASN'T DOING TO THEM
WHAT THEY WERE CHOOSING TO DO TO ME.
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I?

I mean, if anyone wants to wait me out, 
they can play that game of holding back
for as long as they'd like.

Why would I make the move
THAT'S NOT MINE TO MAKE?

BECAUSE THEY WERE SURE
THAT I WAS GOING TO DO IT
SO THEY DIDN'T DO IT.

THEY COULD HAVE. DID THEY?
NO. THEY WAITED FOR ME TO DO IT.

THE THING IS THAT I WOULD HAVE.
HAD THINGS NOT BEEN WHAT THEY
DIDN'T F*CKING HAVE TO BE.

Had they what? Not played that game.
WHEN THEY COULD HAVE DONE
OR SAID SOMETHING.
THEY COULD HAVE.
DID THEY?

NO. EXPECTED ME TO DO IT.

Had things not been
the way they didn't have to be, 
I probably would have.


But then some people will say
that some things had to play out
exactly as they did
and how things might even be
predetermined or something.

Some people believe that we choose
BEFORE WE GET HERE, 
GET TO BE BORN, 
INTO THIS LIFE, 
TO LEARN CERTAIN THINGS, 
THEN WE GO BACK
SOMEWHERE
WITH THE KNOWLEDGE
WE GAINED FROM OUR LIFE.

Some people believe all kinds of stuff.

SOME PEOPLE THINK THEY HAVE THE RIGHT
TO WHATEVER THEY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO DO, 
THAT THEY DON'T HAVE TO DO, 
BUT CHOSE TO DO, ANYWAY.

They think that, therefore they believe it.

Someone was saying that beliefs are like thoughts
we think over and over.

Just like in the example I just gave.

Thinking they have the right
to the point they believe they do.

Something like that.

That's what I think that "madness of two"
comes from, them both
influencing each other's thoughts, 
and beliefs.

Probably a poor example, but there was a couple
who had end of the world type of thoughts, 
and they went to a Walmart in the USA
and the guy had a gun.

She ended up dead somehow.
Been a long time since I saw the video
about that case.

It was either that she was in on it, 
or she was so devoted and loyal to him
that she went along with him. 
Right up until the end, for her.

I don't think she ever stopped to ask herself
what the worst was that could have happened
going in there with him, 
knowing what state of mind he was in...

If she was in the same state of mind, 
with beliefs matching his, 
she probably wasn't asking herself that
or thinking about asking herself that.

Also, the people I trusted not to do things, 
were often the ones who I thought
wouldn't let anyone do, 
went and did... That.

So it could have been that she put
all her trust into him. 
Thinking he wouldn't let her down. 

Like a Bonnie and Clyde type of thing.

But it was or either was close to
SHARING BELIEFS
ABOUT WHAT THEY THOUGHT
THEY HAD THE RIGHT TO DO
BECAUSE OF THEIR BELIEFS.


I saw a new video on the case about a guy
who was attacked and beheaded on a Greyhound bus.
In Canada.

The guy didn't go to jail, they put him into treatment
because he had psychosis,

because he thought the guy he killed was an alien
who wanted to kill him. 

He was released and given a new identity.
He's free, out there. Today, right now.

One of the biggest fails in Canadian "Justice."
Is 25 years long enough for a life sentence?

People from the 2000s could be getting out, this year.
That's crazy to think about.

I think what they deem 'dangerous offenders'
Can be locked up longer, but I don't know for sure.

You'd think I know this.
But a lot of things I don't know specifics in. 
Even if I went to school for some things.

This happened in 2008. If he got life, 
He'd be eligible to get out in 2033.

But he's been able to live a free life, out there, 
after what he DID.

THEN SOME PEOPLE MIGHT SAY
that because he has a mental illness
he wasn't in full control of his actions.

And that mental illness isn't a choice etc.

It wasn't Tim's choice to be killed.
He didn't do anything wrong. 

And the guy shouldn't have been able to
even get on the bus with a weapon. 

It's wild to think that at any point
we could encounter someone
who doesn't have good intent.

He said he wasn't planning on it, 
that he heard voices telling him to do it, 
or something like that.

Is there a way to prove they actually did
vs them saying they did?

"I'm going to be 'not guilty' by reason of 'insanity'
if I can convince them that I'm mentally ill..."

A lot of people try to fake it.
Because it spells the difference
between facing jail time or getting "help."

The guy was given a NEW IDENTITY.


They did a nice job covering that, though.

I also somehow got into watching a show called Hoarders.
One was a lady who was a hoarder and she had to
have all the cats captured to get her place
cleared out. 

Over 70 cats were removed, but around 35
of the cats had died.

She was allowed to keep 10 of the cats.

There was another video...
An interrogation video...

A woman had the bodies of 7 babies
in boxes etc in her garage.

She had 3 kids she was raising.

Crazy for them to know
that not only did their mom
kill 7 of their siblings
but had their bodies in the garage
the whole time they lived in the house
with her.

What a trip!

And a guy who killed his ex and had her body
in a freezer that he took to a friend's house.
Someone broke into the freezer
and found out what was in it.
Or who was in it.


And being the person who found
one of the babies in the garage, 
and the officers searching the garage
and finding 6 more...

Having to see that once, 
let alone 6 more times?

Just wild stuff people have done
and got away with for years, even, 
before getting caught.

7 babies is 7 x 9 months.
7 years minus 3 months for each year.

3 x 4 = 12 so take that year off.
3 x 3 = 9 so take those months off.

6 years minus 9 months.

5 years and 3 months?
Is my math 'mathing'?

Often I doubt my own math
because I have to break it down.