How That Feels

The weather's been gross recently.
At least winter's finally over.

It's just been wet, and cold, and I feel it in my bones.

Spent today just crocheting. 
Using up the wool I have, already,  
and the wool that I got from the group. 

I joined a knitting group for my area. 
I'm kind of not really sure if I'll keep going, 
I feel pretty judged. 

Well, mostly older ladies
who are retired...

I kind of got the vibes the very first meeting, 
but I tried to just enjoy it for what it was.

Besides, I can just be a 'home knitter' or whatever,
and just not go to meetings, and just make stuff on my own. 

I have about 6 hats to donate to the donation the group donates to. 
I give my lot to the group, they distribute it, 
however that goes...

Once, I was on the bus, and I saw a little girl
wearing one of the hats I'd made. 
I didn't say anything, but it was a pretty neat feeling.

The ones I've been donating are distributed in the city, 
so it's not unlikely to be able to see someone wearing one I made.

I've got into watching casino videos recently. 
I found a few channels where they record the machine
as they are gambling and some of them have hit huge jackpots. 

It's easier watching others gamble
so that YOU don't lose any money....
Of course THEY are the ones winning when they win, 
but at least I'm not losing anything. 

Except for time that I could be putting towards something else. 
Other than watching casino videos... 

Just been feeling yuck for the last few months... 
Well. It is up and down. 
Some days are decent, other days are... 
Challenging. 

It's still nice to be able to take a day or a few
to just recover from all kinds of sh*t. 
That is my own fault
for having put myself in situations...
That I never had to be in, let alone put myself in. 

So I'm not going to throw myself a pity party, 
because I know that I am to blame for a lot of stuff. 
But I won't take responsibility for what is 
NOT up to me.

Because if it's not up to me, 
it isn't on me. 

What bothers me is that when it's on someone
to do something that's on them to do
and they turn around a try to put it on me
because it's EASIER for them to do that
than to SAY, THAT'S ON ME.

Yes, it's easier on YOU 
when you let someone else
OR EXPECT SOMEONE ELSE
To do what you're supposed to be doing.

The thing about being reliable
is that people rely on the reliable one
to keep being reliable
and they don't think they have to do anything
because the reliable one is RELIABLE.

And they don't realize how much that reliable one
WAS ACTUALLY PROVIDING AND DOING FOR THEM. 
UNTIL THEY ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR THEM. 

And in my experience, that's what they missed, not me. 
Being able to rely on me for what they could rely on me for. 
NOT ME AS A PERSON. 

Besides, nobody who has ever met me 
or been in my life has ever really 'gotten me.'
And that's pretty much been my major issue. 
If they had, I might not have had to go through
even half the things I went through, 

...But as I stated before, I stayed in all kinds of situations
that I didn't have to be in. In the first place. 

For what? The hopes of being UNDERSTOOD?
Or even the chance of being understood?

Thinking that if they actually understood, 
it'd just make everything easier
so I wouldn't have to try to explain things
that shouldn't have to be explained. 

I wouldn't have to ask for certain things
that I shouldn't have to ask for.
And I darn well will not beg for it. 

It's on me to try to make something of myself. 
Whatever that will entail. 

I have some visions of the future. 
I think about where I want to live and how I want things to turn out. 
There's a pretty big gap between here and there, 
between now and then. 

There have been times in my life I've gotten very lucky. 
I didn't think I'd get this far, even. 
I have to remind myself, sometimes, 
about how far I've actuallly come. 

And knowing I could lose everything, again, 
and be worse off than I am, today. 

But, I also know that things can get better.
Better than they are, right now. 

I've noticed some of my patterns
for getting in my own way. 

It's about the hopes and wishing part
and about some things not being on me. 

I can't do anything about the things that aren't on me.
If they were ALL on me, things would be very different, now. 

Someone put it this way to me, once:
He said: If things were different THEN, 
things would be different NOW.

I guess it made me feel somewhat better, 
to know that things could have been different. 
Of course they could have been, 
but they weren't.

And here I am, as things are now.
STILL GETTING BLAMED FOR THINGS
THAT WERE NOT ALL ON ME.

Others need to take the blame that is THEIRS
Instead of trying to put it ALL on me. 
Because it isn't. That's just straight up.

I am not to blame for THEIR choices. 
And I won't be blamed for THEIR choices.
I have to live with choices I made, in the past. 
Choices I wish I hadn't made, 
that come up in my mind from time to time. 

But the feeling like crap because of it
only reminds me that I shouldn't have done what I did. 
And knowing that I shouldn't have
doesn't make it a fact that I didn't do what I did.
Because I did those things.

THAT is on me. 

Otherwise, the things others shouldn't have done
TO ME, are not on me. 

That's on the people who chose to do
what they chose to do. 

That's on them.

If I were to do something
BECAUSE they did something, 
THAT would be on me, not them.
Because that is MY choice. 
What I choose is on me. 

And a lot of people either don't get this, 
or they don't want to get this. 

Because knowing things are on them
is like knowing that they have to look at it. 
They don't want to. 

Because looking at it means... SEEING it. 
It makes it real. 
It makes it about THEM, not anyone else.


It also sort of ties into a video I watched recently.
It was an interrogation about a woman who st*bbed her mother.
She hadn't been sleeping and was having delusions,
and st*bbed her mother. 
In the interrogation room, she didn't want to talk about what she did.
She was in complete denial about what she did
so she was trying to construct scenarios
where her mother was waiting for her
and that it was all a bad dream. 

Despite everything, even the circumstances, 
She still st*bbed her mother. 
Whether she wanted to look at herself 
as the one who did it, or not. 


There was another case where a daughter
stabbed her mother and the father at the police station....
He was talking to the detectives, 
in shock that his wife was st*bbed, 
and then the detectives said that there hadn't been a break-in
like his daughter had told him...
So he was dealing with that, on top of the fact his daughter did it, 
AND then having to tell his son that his mother was dead
AND his son not knowing yet that his sister
k*lled their mother...

It was a sad scene all around. 

It goes with taking responsibility....
For choices we make. 

Despite the circumstances.

Because I could use all kinds of things as excuses
to do all kindsof things, but I don't
because I know that what I do is on me.
Despite the past I've had
or any of my experiences...

A number of things in my life
could have driven me to the edge.
If I let them. I don't have to let anything
drive me to the edge. 
It would be like everyone who expected it from me
to say they were right about me all along, 
but going back to how most people I "know"
not "knowing" me, they just assume pretty much
everything about me. 

Imagine how that feels?
Having all kinds of assumptions made about you?
By pretty much everyone you ever "knew" in your life?

Then these assumptions being made into limitations. 
How people interact with you, or don't.
What people think of your "mentality"
What people think about who and what you are.

I know I can chalk it up to prejudice, 
but still. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life
than be with people who don't understand me, 
or don't want to understand me.

Or who DO understand, but don't give a sh*t
because they think their sh*t doesn't stink
just like the rest of us...
Nobody is "better" than anyone. 
We're all not getting out of life alive. 
We all leave the world the same way we came into it.

You know how that feels?
Being looked down on because MONEY
isn't the only thing I think about. 
I'm not into the materialist brand names BS.
Splurging hundreds of dollars on something
just because it's a brand name
IS SO F*CKING STUPID.

But because I'm different
and don't fit in with fake people being fake
and everything for appearances...

Yes, I am different. For a reason. 
Because there's more to life than all of that hype. 
All the hype is BS.

I could not be with someone that materialistic. 
Who only thinks like that. About that. 

And then SHUNS ME
for NOT being like that
And NOT wanting to be like that. 

I've seen that crap all my life
and been put out on the sidelines
because I don't care to be like that.

Then I realized it was so much better
to just be by myself than being around ANYONE
who expects to be IMPRESSED
by things that aren't actually impressing. 

What is impressing, to me, 
is realizing that none of that sh*t actually matters.
AND NONE OF THAT TELLS ANYONE
WHO A PERSON ACTUALLY IS.

So people who just look at others for what they HAVE
look down on ME for not taking part in that.

Because it's like they identify who they are
by what they have. 


Back, years ago. I used to want some things. 
Nothing crazy. 

But then I saw how having money can change some people. 
And how they treat people who don't HAVE what they do. 
Like everyone is supposed to WANT what they want.


I saw cringe videos about spoiled brats having TANTRUMS
because they didn't get exactly what they wanted. 
When they already got what they don't even APPRECIATE.

And when you take something AWAY, they have a tantrum. 

It's like when I took what I was giving AWAY, I got a tantrum.
Why? Because they got too comfortable
with the fact that I was bending over backward
without 'having to' meet me HALF WAY.

Whether it came to WORK, or relationships, friendships, 
OR anything else... 

Because I was 'supposed to' just stay and let them
NOT do their part. 
I was supposed to play both parts
and do their work for them 
because it was EASIER to LET ME do everything. 

AND EVEN WITH ME DOING EVERYTHING, 
DID THEY APPRECIATE ME?

Or did they just get too comfortable?
Thinking they could literally do and say
anything they wanted to and I wouldn't have
THE SELF-RESPECT AND SELF-REGARD
TO TELL EVERYONE TO F*CK RIGHT OFF. 

But that's what the 'reliable' one gets.

So I had to stop being that for everyone
so they wouldn't just use me.

There was something someone said:
If you give some people a hand, they'll take an arm, 
then they'll likely take a leg...

It's good to want to help people, 
but someone once told me: "Be careful who you help."

Some people do need help, and some people are greatful. 
Some people are ungrateful, though.

Not only are they ungrateful, they'll turn on you
without a second thought. 

Even because you HAVE something they WANT.
Usually, and mostly. 

The things that I value the most
aren't things that anyone could take from me.

Things that I had to fight for, for my whole life. 
To get to where I am. 
And all the assumptions say all kinds of things
About what I supposedly am
How I supposedly am, 
Who I supposedly am.... 

I must be stupid or crazy because I don't value things
that mean f*ck all to me.
That people are telling us we should want, etc. 
THOSE THINGS DON'T MAKE US WHO WE ARE.
 
So maybe, I'd rather be UNDERSTOOD FOR THAT.
At least for that, alone. If nothing else.

I've been around 'rich' people. 
And they always flaunted it. ALWAYS.
BUT ALSO HAD AN AIR OF IGNORANCE
AND ARROGANCE
BECAUSE I WASN'T "LIKE THEM"

Which made them think they were somehow BETTER
and that I KNOW NOTHING, AM NOTHING...

I had someone say this to me:
"Why should I listen to you? Where's your success story?"

I am my success story. 
The fact that I overcame so damn much.
Overcame HOW THAT FEELS.
TO BE OKAY WITH WHO I AM
REGARDLESS OF IGNORANCE, ARROGANCE, 
DISREGARD, DISRESPECT....

For NOT being JUST LIKE THEM.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE?
So I could look down on people just like ME?
What is the point in it?
To make myself FEEL BETTER
ABOUT MYSELF?

Isn't that IMMATURE?
To try to make myself feel BETTER
By looking down on someone else?

JUST BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO WASTE MONEY
ON CRAP THAT DOESN'T MATTER?

JUST TO SEEM IMPORTANT OR IMPRESSIVE
WHEN IT'S REALLY NOT IMPRESSIVE?

It's only impressive to CLOUT CHASERS.
Who would do pretty much anything for clout.

Clout's BULLSH*T.
You can't do anything with it.

I could do a billion different things
that could actually be of benefit, if I had the means to do it, 
and I would only do it for the benefit of doing it, 
which is to just do it.

BUT:

1) I'd still be overlooked and not appreciated
2) People who assume things about me aren't going to stop assuming. 
3) People who judge me aren't going to stop judging. 
4) It won't make me any better than anyone else.

And probably the TOP thing any assumer is going to assume
is that I did whatever for clout.
Or for some superficial reasons. 

Because it seems that people who do things
for superficial reasons think that OTHERS do things
for superficial reasons, too.

Like how PETTY people think OTHERS are petty, too. 

Like they are somehow justified to do sh*tty things
because they ASSUME that everyone does those sh*tty things. 

WHICH ISN'T TRUE.

It goes back to how what is on me is on me. 
What isn't, isn't.