Shocked

I was scrolling on Facebook and I saw a RIP post about my cousin. 
Nobody told me he had died. 
I called my mother and she told me that he had overdosed. 

She had said that someone had beat him with a baseball bat. 
I'm guessing the pain got to him. From that.

I hadn't seen him in years.
He was actually in jail for a while. 
I don't know for how long. 
I didn't ask because it's none of my business. 

All I could think was that he couldn't have possibly done
what he was accused of doing, but my stepfather said
that he had plead guilty. 

Maybe to get a lesser sentence? I don't know.
But to plead guilty is saying that he DID do it.

That's just as shocking as him dying. 
He's around the same age as my brother. 
My brother's 36. Haven't seen or heard from him in years, either.

None of my family reaches out to me. 
Which is fine, I guess. 

Plus, I'm going to let them think whatever they want about me. 
Have no time to correct anyone's 'image' of me.
They can think and believe whatever they want. 
I'm okay, either way. 

I'm not sad for me, I'm sad for my Aunt. 
My Uncle died of a blood clot in his brain, 
then my cousin overdoses, within a few years, not even. 

Like, she was already grieving... 
But it's like a double whammy. 
Can you imagine? I can.

I can't remember how I found out that R**** died. 
He was my best friend. He also overdosed. 
I know his was an accident. 
He had some things going for him. 
Supposedly he has a couple of kids. 
He accidentally got a girl pregnant.
Then he had a vasectomy. 

I never got to meet the girl or the kids. 
It'd be cool to see his kids.

I met R**** when I worked at the college. 
We were actually living in the same building!
He was living with his "then" girlfriend, C****.
One floor up, and across the hall from me.

She used to trip, a lot. 
She found a hair in her bed and thought it was mine. 
Even though, I had a shaved head at the time.

R**** told me that he took her out for drinks once. 
She got mad at him because she thought he was flirting with the waitress
so she poured a whole pitcher of beer in his lap!

And his father used to call me H****.
My name with an H in front. 
Because many French people put an H before an A.
I don't know why, but it was kinda funny.

Anyway, R**** was the one who helped me get the job at the hotel.
That was right before I worked at the CBC.

The hotel was an upper class one. 
I had to fold the toilet paper into a little point, 
and the serviettes. 

One time, I got really sick. Like loads of vomiting, sick. 
The boss found some replacements
but wouldn't train them, 
so I had to go there, even though I was puking everywhere...
To show them what I do, like every part of the job
when I shouldn't have been there, as sick as I was...

I'd be talking, explaining, one minute
and puking into the garbage back on the back of the cart, the next.

Maybe the boss didn't believe I was sick. 
Lots of people claim to be sick to try to get a night/day off work. 
But I was so sick.  

Anyway, the last time I saw R****,
he'd invited me out to shoot some pool.
It was him playing against some guy.
He wanted an audience, haha.

I remember one time, he owed me money. 
He was the only one who ALWAYS paid me back. 
So loaning him 50 here or 60 there wasn't an issue. 

I remember once he was telling me he had the money, 
then he wanted to play a joke on me
saying something happened to the money, 
but as he was telling me this, he was literally right outside my door. 
He was like: "You thought I wasn't going to pay you, didn't you?"

Actually, I didn't, because he was always solid. 

Before he had passed away, we exchanged books. 
I loaned him one of my college textbooks. 
After he passed, I was pretty sure I wasn't getting my book back. 

Something told me to go to a thrift store and look at the books. 
I saw it there! I had just enough to buy it.

The crazy part: A song was playing in the store
that I had been listening to on repeat, missing him. 

I've been very careful with my spending this month.
I'm hoping to be out of the red with the bank by the end of the year.
We'll see how that goes.

What I would like to do, is amass some money to invest. 
Which is what I should have done with my settlement. 
Also, I could have put the money towards paying my student loans. 
Been thinking about going to a debt place. 

Also, got to make an appointment to do my taxes.

I've just been staying at home.
Not exactly hiding from the world, but just...
Not wanting to be in it. If that makes sense.

The only thing is, I pretty much have to. 
Or I just get a bunch of money and go completely off the grid. 

Going off the grid... It's appealing. 
I'm almost a recluse as it is and as I get older, 
I appreciate the time I get to myself. 

That's why I've been staying away and keeping to myself.

Spring is here, now. It stopped snowing. Finally. 
May is when people are out at the Arboretum, taking pictures
amidst the blossoms. 

That's how I found out that there are magnolia trees there.
Usually, they live in a warm climate, like the southern states. 
So it was a surprise that we have some here.

Then there's the butterfly meadows...

I've got to take advantage of the warm weather.
When it gets warmer, though. 
It's still kind of cold by my standards.

Been looking at some AI software. 
Some of them are pretty cool. 
Not a fan of the ones on Discord. 

Still doing SOME web stuff, 
but mostly been doing video stuff. 

When I pick my perfect niche, 
then I can really take off. 

When things are just starting out, 
it can take months to just get off the ground.

I'm strongly leaning towards something to do with anime. 
But there are a bunch of niches to try. 

Where there are fans, there's a niche.

Besides that, haven't been up to much.