Used To Electricity

Emotions are kind of weird. 
Well, for one, I have BPD.

It's been an emotional rollercoaster for me. 
And then going through cycles with people. 
Who just wanted me to be kept in a cycle...

Due to their issues... And me having an issue with those issues.

Do you know how hard it is to bond with someone
who has a trauma bond with someone else?

The trauma bond is an on and off again nightmare.
Which I'm not subscribing to anymore.

Like, no matter how much I care about someone
When they push me away, I have to let them push me away.

It just bothers me that they do it, then they blame me for it.
And get mad at me for them pushing me away.

Like "Go f*ck yourself, A***."
Then "You never cared about me at all."

Being the one who cares and is told to go f*ck myself constantly...
Instead of anyone actually appreciating the fact that I even cared.

When I'm showing I care and then get told to f*ck off, essentially...
How much should I take of that until I actually just f*ck right off
FOREVER?

But it's like if I "did" care, I'd stay for all the verbal abuse...
That's not the bonding that I have craved for a long time. 
I don't crave it anymore. There were times. It would be nice...
However, there are other important things in life.

There were times I was ridiculous when it came to that.
It showed me a lot about what I wanted and what I don't. 

Hard to think of my 20s as 20 years ago, 
but the emotional maturity I had back then...
When it came to things like validation... 

I guess that started in my teens.
But since I was already aware that I didn't fit in
and it wasn't a huge thing for me because I had my interests already.

And certain people didn't even like me at all.
So it didn't matter what I did.
Pointless to be wanted to be liked by judgemental people.

Some of it had to do with jealousy and just not wanting to see me happy.
Because I'm 'different' it's been hard
because I stick out and some people don't like it.

Because they don't like it, they automatically don't like me.
I don't even really like putting myself out there.
If I did, I wouldn't be writing anonymously. 

People who think differently often get treated differently. 
Like smart people getting treated like they are stupid all the time.
By people who want the smart people to feel stupid.
For being smart. 

The smartest thing to do is just let people think I'm stupid or crazy.
And then I'm free to do my own thing.

"She's just crazy, so nothing she's going to say will make any sense.
And I don't have to listen to her anyway, because she's crazy."

I'd just rather be alone than get treated like I am alone.
Or treated like I'm stupid and everyone has to explain things to me
like I'm stupid or they think I'm stupid.
By people who take one look at me and assume whatever.

Like classifying me as something.
Putting me in a type of box.
But then treating me like I belong in the box
that they put me in...

Or when jealous girls try competing with me
like they aren't being petty jealous, spiteful etc.

Or people who aren't insightful think I'm not.
And then any insights I had, they don't seem to get it.

I've been told "nobody understands you, A***."

1) I think they actually do understand.
2) When they do 'understand' it makes them realize something
that either they didn't want to admit or just won't.

But what makes sense to us might not make sense to others.
Just really bugs me when people talk down to me like they think I'm stupid.

Like they are shocked that I might actually be intelligent.
Because I wouldn't look it. To look at me, I guess.

I dunno... It's like that guy in the movie.
Where everyone thought he was deaf and stupid
but he actually wasn't. 
He just let everyone think he was...

I can just let people think whatever about me.
Am I just going to waste time trying to explain to people
who are wrong about me that they are wrong about me and why?
It would be a waste of time if they already made up their mind about me.

If they come to different conclusions
based on whatever they want to believe about me...

That's just been my entire life.
Imagine how frustrating that is...

Easier to just treat me like I'm stupid.
Imagine getting that more often than not?

Just because it's easier...
And makes them feel better?

It's a balance between wanting to be alone, 
and wondering what it would be like
to be with someone who is a good match for me.

But I'm getting older now. I'm 40 now.
I don't have the time to f*ck around
with anyone who doesn't know what they want.

Then PUSH ME AWAY...
THEN GET MAD THAT I LET THEM.

What am I supposed to do? BEG?
For people who should already know better to do better?

Like "I don't want to lose this person...
So I probably shouldn't.... Or should..."

BUT WHEN YOU STAY THROUGH ALL KINDS OF BS,
THEY DON'T FEAR LOSING YOU
AND THEY TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED.

LIKE THE MORE CHANCES YOU GIVE,
THE MORE THEY EXPECT YOU TO GIVE THEM.

THEREFORE, THEY DON'T APPRECIATE THE ONES THEY GET.
It's kind of like how we are so used to having electricity
that whenever there's a blackout, people actually appreciate it.
Because all the things they use electricity for, they can't.

But when it's there, it's just there.

THAT'S HOW I HAVE FELT.
WHEN I'M THERE, I'M JUST THERE.

But when I'm NOT, that's when it's noticed.
Because of what I provided while I was there, 
ISN'T there anymore, either.

IT'S LIKE THEY GET TOO USED TO ME
AND THINK I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
SO THEY THINK THEY CAN JUST TREAT ME LIKE THAT.
UNTIL I LEAVE. AFTER TOO MANY CHANCES.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THEY ONLY GET ONE?
AND THEY ARE AWARE THAT THEY ONLY GET ONE?
IF THEY EVEN GET ONE, AT ALL...

But I'm aware that lots of people have their lessons to learn.
Even before I entered their life.

BUT I CAN'T FORCE THEM TO LEARN ANYTHING.

Who would learn anything from a "stupid" person?
Who would learn anything if they think they know everything?
Who would learn anything if they don't want to listen
let alone consider anything I have to say?

And if they are of a particular mindset?
And if they don't know how to communicate?

It's been frustrating. 
Sometimes infuriating. 
Depending on how offensive people get...
Hard to maintain patience with people
TO HOPEFULLY LEARN, 
BUT KNOWING THAT I CAN'T FORCE IT.

IT WOULD BE EASIER TO JUST CRAM LESSONS
INTO THEIR HEADS... 
BUT THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT WORKS.

I'm betting others who wanted better from me
felt that way about me, at times.

It would have been easier to just slap some common sense into me.
To wake me tf up... Out of my stupidity...

There were times I wish I could have woken myself up, sooner.
Would have saved me a lot of wasted time.
BROODING OVER POINTLESS THINGS
BECAUSE I WASN'T LEARNING SOMETHING.

When I get stuck in my head, I really get stuck in my head.
THEN IT GETS REALLY HARD TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

I don't know why I get stuck on certain things.
Maybe because I wanted something better, different than what I got
And part of me still thinks that if I keep trying, 
things will change, 
but their choices are their choices.

AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH I HAVE DONE
IT OFTEN FEELS LIKE IT NEVER MADE A DIFFERENCE.

My ego keeps thinking like this:
If what I did made a difference, 
I'd get a better outcome.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALWAYS THE CASE.

And what I have learned is that nobody owes me
my desired outcome.
SO THEN WHY DO SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT I DO?
THAT THEY CAN JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO?
THAT THEY CAN JUST MANIPULATE ME LIKE A PUPPET?

But at the same time it's like some people expect bribes
JUST TO F*CKING BEHAVE THEMSELVES.

Isn't that childish? Like I shouldn't give you a prize
just for doing the 'right things.'
Or give incentives to do the 'right things.'
Like good behavior...

"Be good, or you can't have..."
Then they are ONLY being good to have xyz.
Instead of just being good. For the sake of being good. 

It's like people who are raised on rewards
have to re-learn how to regulate their behaviors.

IF THEY ARE WILLING TO EVEN PUT THAT MUCH EFFORT
INTO MAKING CHANGES IN THEIR LIVES.

A lot of people won't put the effort into themselves.

BUT THERE ARE A BILLION WAYS I COULD IMPROVE MYSELF
INSTEAD OF BEING STUCK IN MY HEAD
WONDERING WHY PEOPLE THINK AND ACT THE WAY THEY DO
IN GENERAL, LET ALONE CONCERNING ME.

There are people who are able to go deep...

Someone put it to me this way:
When I was saying how it bothered me that certain people
just didn't make certain efforts...
She said: They might not have the capacity.

That could be a possibility,
but I think a lot of people actually do have the capacity,
just not the will to do it.