Next Chapter

I don't know why I kept going back.
I could have learned my lessons long ago. 
Because I had years to learn it.

To learn to let people go sleep in the mess they chose to sleep in. 

Today I noticed I had gotten a call from M***. 
I wasn't here when he tried calling me...
So I went to call him back. 

IF HE HAD COME TO GET HIS OWN THINGS
AND GAVE ME MY KEY BACK...
I WOULDN'T STILL HAVE STUFF OF HIS AT MY HOUSE. 

THEN HE HAD THE FREAKING AUDACITY
TO SAY TO ME IF I HAD PACKED EVERYTHING 
THAT I HAD MY BROTHER FREAKING DELIVER TO HIM
WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO PACK HIS SH*T FOR HIM
LET ALONE GET MY BROTHER TO DROP IT OFF...

Like he was saying "you didn't bend backwards FAR ENOUGH"
BECAUSE I WAS IN SUCH A RUSH TO YEET HIM OUT OF MY LIFE
THAT I DIDN'T SEE SOME THINGS WERE STILL HERE...

But the f*cking audacity!!!

And he should be taking into consideration
THAT I NOTIFIED HIM THAT I NOTICED

THAT SOME OF HIS THINGS WERE STILL HERE.

THEN HE IS REFUSING TO COME GET HIS THINGS
AND STILL REFUSING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THE WAY HE EVEN TREATED ME
LET ALONE HIS OWN THINGS.

Like I literally have no words for him
because he let people manipulate him into ghosting me, before. 
Kept coming back for more chances, 
kept apologizing to me for being sh*tty to me...

For what? To have another chance to do it again?
Even worse this time than before....
Doesn't actually want me, chose her over me.
Even though she had her motives for hanging onto him
while lying, cheating, and stealing from him. 

But why listen to me?

Maybe because I'm not about that bullshit?
Maybe because I actually wanted better for him?

But a whole lot of people kept telling me to ghost his @ss.
I should have just let him stay gone. 
But now he seems to want to make some sort of effort
by calling me? 

He p*ssed me off so much that I hung up. 
Because all he was saying was he was too sick to come over
(then wait until you feel better).
And that he lives kind of far...
(Not my problem).

Even if he was well enough to come get his things...
He'd use the distance as some excuse
not to come and look me in the eyes. 
Not that an apology this time would mean anything. 
Sure as heck wasn't sorry when he chose to treat me like that. 

And anyway, he'd only try to keep me around
as some sort of a backup plan. 
Like he was doing before.

After everything I even documented in here, 
when I was really going through it with that guy, 
I went back, hoping that some day he would see my worth.
BUT HE NEVER DID
AND THE FACT THAT HE NEVER DID
IS THE DECIDING FACTOR FOR ME IN ALL OF THIS. 

HE CHOSE THAT, HE CAN HAVE THAT. 

But at the same time, not everyone who chooses me
will get to be with me. Not everyone is even right for me.

It's like: "I'm bored of this toy, I don't want anything to do with it."
"But don't take it away from me because it's mine."

Even being around friends who treated me right, 
He didn't like it. Even though I would have introduced him to my friends. 
I wanted for us to actually get there.
But I'm not going to settle for "you don't mean anything to me, 
everyone else and literal trash means more to me. "Go f*ck yourself, A***."
But expect me to just wait for his life to come crashing down
and realize that what I felt for him didn't come with a catch
like he thought it did... Whatever he thought.
Could have actually taken the time, and all the chances he had, 
to actually see what I could have brought to the table... 

But I tend to meet guys, these days, who just see me as a potential s*x partner. 
Some toy to play with... Until they realized I was never playing.
The truth of "f*ck around and find out."
Is that if you decide to "f*ck around," you will find out. 
For people who have to learn a lesson the hard way, 
it hurts more to realize the truth of it.
That people do walk away. 
They don't want to constantly get treated like they barely exist
WHILE BENDING OVER BACKWARDS
TRYING TO MAKE SIMPLE THINGS SIMPLE
FOR PEOPLE WHO TREAT IT LIKE A JOKE AND ENJOY RUNNING AWAY. 

Well is it funny when life gets HARD after I leave your life?
Is it funny that after every time I was there
to help him pick himself up that he treated me like nothing?

He thought I did it to hold it over his head. 
If he understood that I did it out of love for him
maybe he'd still have treated it like it was a joke. 

But where are his real friends?
The ones walking out of his life
because apparently, he treats people the way he treated me.
All because of lies and bullsh*t
and the fact that we could have just been happy
and others who knew this didn't want to see it happen. 

Yet he listened to everyone.
Whatever lies were told about me, he believed it.
Didn't know me well enough to realize I was the one telling the truth.
And how am I supposed to be able to defend myself
when I don't know who was telling the lies?

Same sh*t happened in high school
and I thought that BS was in the past. 
But apparently, it wasn't. 

Apparently, some people had to realize something about me.
If I'm treated like that... No matter the reason
if it was based on lies and manipulation or not, 
that BS was still totally unfair to me. 

And people interfering and all the competition sh*t
that I didn't even realize I was in... 

Literally all the toxic garbage...
Like, totally f*ck all of that. 

For my own dignity and self-respect...
None of that. 

All the apologies in the world 
can't 'fix' something that's been shattered beyond repair. 
Like smashing a family heirloom with a baseball bat...

HOW CAN ANYONE EXPECT ME TO BE THERE FOR THEM
AFTER THEY JUST SHOWED ME
THAT THEY DIDN'T EVEN GAF IF I GOT GLASS IN MY EYES?!

Let alone the audacity to do that like they had a right to do it. No. 
I'm not taking the blame for that. 
For them to constantly overlook me and try to gaslight me
just because THEY DON'T WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THEIR OWN CHOICES.

As long as I'm the one trying to fix everything
and putting all the work in, it's easier for THEM
NOT TO DO ANYTHING.... 

Like, one guy put it:
If you make the bed too comfortable, 
they won't want to get out of it.

That goes for any circumstance where someone gets too comfortable. 
When I kept giving and giving and giving... 
What I got from it was a bunch of BS.

THEY GOT USED TO ME GIVING GIVING GIVING. 
AND TAKING TAKING TAKING.
AND DISRESPECTING AND DISREGARDING ME
COMPLETELY...

THEN, SEEM TO GET ACTUALLY OFFENDED
WHEN I SAY I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SH*T. 
Even still being accommodating, afterwards...
Why did I even bother?

To prove to myself crap from back in high school would stop now
that apparently or supposedly we're adults now...

People who try to put you in a cycle:
Break up to make up trauma bond garbage...
No. Never was interested in that. 
What I was interested in, was something real.
But you can't have anything real with anyone who isn't ready. 

If all they knew was sh*t for so long... 

A bee doesn't argue with a fly
about why honey's better than sh*t. 

Obviously, something real is better than all the fake sh*t. 
If people want to settle for fake sh*t, let them. 
This is what I have had to do more than a few times in my life.
And with this particular person. 

Let him think that the people who should care, do. 
Let him think that for the rest of his life.
Because I have seen and heard how they treated him, 
but he wanted that. All of that. 

What am I supposed to do? Stick around to be a backup
If everything going up in flames burns to the ground?


The other day, I was watching "Carrie."
For the most part, I blocked out most of my painful experiences.
From childhood, from pretty much most of my life.

And having gone through all this sh*t
has shown me WHY I don't fit in, 
but I'm not the one pointing and laughing. 
If fitting in means I have to be one of THOSE
who try to make people like me into a joke... 
WHAT DID THEY THINK WOULD BE THE BREAKING POINT FOR ME?
WHAT DID THEY THINK WOULD BE THE BREAKING POINT FOR HER?

But they felt justified in doing what they did. 
Just like some people felt justified to do to me what they did.
AND THEY CAN'T BE SO STUPID AND ARROGANT
TO THINK THAT I WOULD STICK AROUND
FOR IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN...

Instead of letting him just walk away, before...
AFTER HE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T SEE MY WORTH...
I went back. As someone who actually had his back. 
AFTER HIM SHOWING ME, MANY TIMES HE DIDN'T HAVE MINE.

The reason he didn't have my back
is because he didn't care or care enough to have my back.
Even as a so-called friend.

And now, like it should have before, it just disgusts me. 
And I'm disappointed in myself
that I kept trying to follow my heart...

What was my heart saying to do?
GIVE SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T DESERVE ANOTHER CHANCE
TO HAVE SEVERAL MORE?

This is part of the issue. 
Giving MORE of something to someone
who already DOESN'T APPRECIATE IT.

BECAUSE YOU COULD LITERALLY
GIVE THEM EVERYTHING YOU HAVE AND MORE
AND APPARENTLY - IF I HAD PACKED ALL HIS STUFF- FOR HIM
WHEN IT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO DO - FOR HIM
SINCE HE DID NEXT TO NOTHING FOR ME....

I let this sucker live off me, in my home, 
taking care of him...

Then I stopped because of the BS issues
that were issues before... 
THAT NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN ISSUES.

NOW I KNOW NOT TO BE SO DAMN HOPEFUL. 
No more "maybe this time..." 
Things don't change until people do.
If people refuse to grow up and be actually mature
and deal with situations they create with maturity, 
then those issues will be blocking them.

If people aren't ready to grow up,
that's on them. I'm not settling. 
Definitely not going to be struggling because
someone wants me to stay in some toxic BS cycle with them
because it never seems to get any better
when it comes time to actually address some things
that could have been addressed long ago. 

That's how I know it won't go anywhere. 
Yes, I have been angered by this. 
Because what seems simple, common sense stuff... 
That I keep overlooking while being overlooked... 

It adds up. It has added up. This whole time. 
But when people start getting it back, what they were putting out,
AFTER I ALREADY LEFT THEM TO THEIR SH*T...

NOT EVEN TRYING TO DO ANYTHING TO THEM...
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO...
NOT BECAUSE I COULDN'T...

I JUST KNOW THAT IT'S NOT WORTH IT TO ME TO DO
BECAUSE IT CAN FIND ITS WAY BACK TO ME.

Like when my ex punched me in the head...
Could I have unleashed onto him for doing that to me?
Yeah, probably.
Didn't even report him for doing it. 
Just let him go.

Knowing that he can't be in my life anymore
because of what he did, probably doesn't feel too good. 

Just like the consequences I've had to face
for being super sh*tty to those I was super sh*tty to...
Doesn't feel good for me.

And I had to grow up and realize what I was doing. 
Figuring out why I was doing it was one thing... 
But realizing what I was doing and how I was being was everything. 

And nobody's going to be treating me like that anymore.
The fact that I allowed it to even go on for as long as it did...
And I was still forgiving and trying to be understanding etc. 
while there were no EXCUSES for even treating me like that, at all. 

Sure, I could have blamed a lot of my toxicity
on how I was raised, sh*t I got used to
that never even should have been in my life...

I could have blamed and gave excuses...
There was nobody to blame but myself.

BECAUSE I KEPT LOOKING BACK AND GOING BACK.

If I went back to try to have a relationship with my ex, 
WHO HAD NO QUALMS ABOUT HITTING ME THE FIRST TIME...

Would it have happened again?
I had to stand on it. Like I have to stand on this. 
How many things like this will I have to stand on?

Even if it makes me seem like I never actually cared. 
I did, I showed that I did, a lot. 
Maybe not in the ways everyone would have wanted... 
But I did. 

But now, when I'm being shown they don't... Neither do I.
People who dragged me through the mud, over and over...
When they never had to do it at all...
UNTIL I REFUSE TO LET THEM IN AGAIN. 
OR LET THEM TRY. "TRY."
BECAUSE IT WAS SO FUNNY...
MY FEELINGS WERE JUST A BIG JOKE TO THEM. 

I shouldn't have tried let alone kept trying
TO PROVE MY F*CKING WORTH TO ANYONE.
WHO NEVER SAW MY VALUE. 

Let them reach around in the dark. 
Let them make their own mistakes. 
Let them "f*ck around and find out."
BECAUSE THEY WILL, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

If they want to make something into a big joke, 
the joke will be on them. 
Then they'll see just how funny it is...

Will I be laughing, though?
I mean, I could, but why would I?

I can still wish people well and not be in their life.
Maybe one day a lot of people will wish they had treated me better.
By that time, it won't even matter if they wish they did or don't... 
I'll be so far into the future that I wished I hadn't
even wasted my time trying to prove anything to anyone, 
let alone my worth. 

But maybe by that time, 
I might get the true apologies that are owed to me. 
And even by then, won't matter if I get them or not. 

My worth is not hung up on
what anyone couldn't or wouldn't see in me. 

But when I had everything I could have wanted, 
I wasn't ready for it and I f*cked it up.
Yes, I live with that, still.
I couldn't realize what I had when I had it. 
It wasn't just that I didn't, I couldn't, 
and the only reason I think it could have been
was that I couldn't see past myself
getting in my own way.

I had something very special at one time in my life. 
That I regret letting go of. 
But, if I would have stayed, it wouldn't have been fair to him. 
Because he, out of everyone I dated, deserved so much more. 
Still does. I'd rather him be happy. 
He wasn't with me, I had too many issues. 
Despite that, he did the best he could.
And sometimes I think that could have been my actual shot
but didn't have my sh*t together. 

Sometimes you learn who you want to be
by learning who you never want to be, again.