Especially By The Age Of 40

Online, in writing, I can articulate myself better. 
It's easier for me to just write. It was the only way I could express myself. 
Especially when I was a kid. Because nobody would listen to me. 
I mean actually listen to me...

But as I grew up, I realized that those who didn't listen
weren't listening to me because they didn't see me as someone
who had anything to say, 
but how would they know?

Most people don't even know me at all.
I'm a big ball of assumptions
and easy to judge someone based on assumptions
than actually taking the time to listen to someone.

Also, how could I actually help someone
if they aren't willing to listen?

But I get how easy it is to be in complete denial. 
Like I have been before. 
Because certain things you don't want to think are actually happening.
When it's all in your face, kind of hard to still deny it. 
But that happens... 

I've had that. In my own life. 
Stuff I wouldn't write here or anywhere. 
Things about me, about my life... 
Things I will take to the grave.

How would anyone understand any of it?
They wouldn't. Just wouldn't. 

I can say I'm not the person I used to be. 
I don't do the things I once did. 
Because I deeply thought about the things I did
that I shouldn't have done. 
That I wish that I hadn't done. 

And being the way I wish I hadn't been...

If I had woken up much sooner...
But if I hadn't woken up at all... I'd still be that person. 

Waking up means realizing a whole bunch of things...
One thing that might actually blow your mind
is that TO realize some things some things have to be realized FIRST.
It's not that one realization leads to another...
It's kind of like that... But it's more.

It's that when you realize some things
THOSE things make it possible TO realize other things. 

I realized that I don't have to do a bunch of things
or be certain ways I used to be. 

When M*** broke my mirror and my brother came to help me
get M***'s stuff out of my apartment, 

I was so miffed that I THOUGHT ABOUT PACKING THE BROKEN GLASS
WITH M***'S STUFF... It was a petty thought. 

And my brother brought up that I should do that.
The thought had crossed my mind. 

But what I said to my brother:
"I don't have to be petty just because he is."
Because smashing someone's FAMILY HEIRLOOM
...is a pretty petty thing to do...

It seems that people who are petty
EXPECT other people to be just as petty as they would be.

And I haven't mentioned this, yet, but I joined a knitting group
and this lady who was hosting the group...
She has a piano and someone asked if she would play something for us, 
but she said she would but she felt she might be judged, 
but was judgy about me feeding the pigeons. 

So I said about the pigeons:
If we were their size and they were our size, 
we'd probably want their help...

"But they aren't birds I would help."

Like some birds deserve help over other birds?

It seems that people who judge, worry about being judged. 
Like why? 
That always bothered me, 

but when I went my own way, from certain people, 
I realize how judgemental they actually are.
And I see how I was when I used to be that way. 

I don't feel the need to judge everything
and I realize that I don't HAVE to have an opinion about anything. 
I could have, but I don't actually HAVE to.

I can just let some things be what they are
without having an opinion on it one way or another. 

Like why would I judge her playing a piano?

One time... My son's father and I were at a little kid's talent show. 
And a little girl got on to sing a song. 
The girl had been swimming so her hair was wet and messy.
He turned to me and said: "She could have at least brushed her hair."
And this girl heard her say that. 
LIKE, WHO F*CKING CARES IF SHE BRUSHED HER HAIR OR NOT?
SHE'S JUST SINGING A SONG. Y'KNOW?

Like, if you can pick everything apart...
BUT WHY DO IT IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT?

I realized that I felt so much better being around people
who don't do sh*t like that. 

I also felt better about myself
when I realized that I don't have to do that sh*t, either.
Like a huge weight off my shoulders. 
Free of the 'need' to do that because it's not actually needed. 
Does that make sense? I hope it does. 

I still remember when I got a comment on my blog, 
I forget what post, but someone wrote to me
that they told someone something I had written on here
and that person bought them dinner. 

I am pretty flattered that someone actually got me like that. 
That what I was saying actually made enough sense to someone
that they shared it with someone who appreciated it enough
to buy that person dinner. That's so cool, to me.

When I started this blog... Back in 2004-ish...
Whoa. Just realized my blog's 20 years old now...
That kind of makes me feel kind of old-ish. 

Anyway, when I started this thing...
It was just to write about my experiences and an emotional outlet.
Up until 10 years ago, there were a lot of cringy drunken posts.
I left them up. Most of them. 

But I'd like to think that because I'm in another headspace, now, 
that I write about other things. 

Not just throwing myself little pity parties every other day...
Like I used to. 
Even though nobody in my actual life actually cared... 
But kept writing about it because I WAS the one feeling the way I felt. 
I WAS the one who was LIVING it. 

But, no, drinking wasn't the answer. 
The things I thought I 'needed' to do weren't actually needed.
So that can apply to thoughts? Ways of thinking?

When I gave myself NEW THINGS TO THINK ABOUT, 
I kind of stopped thinking about the OLD THINGS I USED TO THINK ABOUT.
And then HOW I THOUGHT started changing. 

That's how I 'broke' out of certain ways I used to think.
Then my mentality changed. 
But when people don't think I have anything to contribute, 
they'll just assume that what they think is the case.

That's what I realized when I examined certain patterns
that I learned from being around certain people
who had such a strong influence on how I thought...
Because they always said sh*tty things due to their sh*tty opinions. 
And just because they have sh*tty opinions
doesn't mean that I have to have ANY opinion. 
One way or another...
About silly things like whether or not a little girl
BRUSHED HER HAIR AFTER SWIMMING FFS.
SHE'S JUST A LITTLE GIRL WHO WENT SWIMMING

AND PROBABLY EXCITED TO SING HER LITTLE SONG
SO JUST LET HER SING HER LITTLE SONG.

Why can't people realize things like that?
Is that worth having an opinion about?
So if it's not worth having an opinion about... 
WHY HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT IT?

When I was in high school I was dating an older guy. 
Some girl in my class... She was trying to embarrass me
About the age difference and she wanted to do it
in front of the others in my class. 

So she goes "How old is your boyfriend, A***?"
She said it like she already knew...
So I did this.... I asked her if it mattered, 
She said it didn't like I would tell her since it didn't matter...
I just asked her... "If it doesn't matter, why are you asking me?"

She didn't have an answer for it because she didn't want to say
THE REAL REASON she was asking me and immediately dropped it. 

That applies to what I was saying about "if you don't need to, then why?"
Because if it didn't matter she didn't need to ask me.

But, it also kind of applies in reverse because there are so many questions
people aren't thinking about or asking themselves
that they ought to be thinking about
AND ACTUALLY ASKING THEMSELVES.

It applies to how a lot of people treated me...
They didn't have to treat me like that, but did anyway.

My father didn't need to kill himself, but he did anyway.
A harsh example, I know. But it's a point to be made nonetheless. 

It's just something to think about. I didn't mean for it to be taken any other way.

But I was there, myself. So damned depressed I thought
that it really wouldn't matter if I did or didn't. 
Back then, I didn't realize that I didn't want to die. 
I just wanted to stop feeling the way that I felt.
Like I'd rather die than live like that. 
I didn't want to die, I just wanted my life to be different. 

Like I thought I needed my life to look a certain way
to feel better about my life and about myself. 

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TO THINK THAT WAY
ABOUT MYSELF AND MY LIFE.

Because I didn't have to think that way, 
I realized that I didn't have to feel that way.

Does that make sense?

What if my purpose was to just write about how
I released my 'need' of things I thought I 'needed.'
Because I don't. I actually don't. 

All the sh*ttiness... Sh*tty attitude, sh*tty opinions...
Sh*tty assumptions, sh*tty judgementality...
Sh*tty perspectives... 
Just all that garbage that most people feel the 'need'
to just carry around with them like a pet rock or something. 

I'd actually carry around a pet rock.
But it's not the same. 

It's those 'needs' we think we 'need.'
It's those little 'distractions' people think they 'need'
because why sit alone with our own thoughts?
Why think about how we think?
I'll tell you why.
(I almost wrote yell instead of tell so maybe switch to caps to emphasize)
BECAUSE WE HAVE TO DO THAT
TO ACTUALLY CHANGE OUR MINDS. 
TO CHANGE YOUR MIND IS TO CHANGE YOURSELF. 

I wouldn't have been able to make the changes I made
If I didn't change my mind about a lot of things...
Like the things I thought I 'needed'
(that I actually don't).

Just because I'm 40, doesn't mean that I 'need' to be married. 
I don't 'need' to be married, at all. 
Not even to "make myself" feel "better" about "myself."

Just as an example. "Hooking up" is another example. 
"Casual s*x" doesn't interest me. 

Someone I was chatting with on a website for chatting...
He kept trying to come onto me
and just wanted to chat about s*x all the time
like it's 'normal' because he's 'a guy.'

What it is, to me, is a turn-off. 

Not because anyone could just talk about that, 
but it isn't 'needed' and more to LIFE than just that.

Back in my younger days it was some sort of validation, 
that I was 'attractive' or something, 
but really... As it turned out, the guy wasn't actually into me.

Back when I was 185lbs, felt unattractive. 

But, also, back then I didn't know how to validate my own feelings. 
I kept looking to be validated in some form. 
BUT IT'S NOT NEEDED OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF.

Since I realized that it's not needed outside of myself, 
I STOPPED LOOKING FOR IT OUTSIDE MYSELF. 
That's when a lot of things that I THOUGHT mattered....
I realized that those things actually didn't. 
And because they actually don't,
they don't interest me the way they used to. 

Does that make sense?

Sometimes I think something makes sense to me, 
but I don't know if it does in the ways that I'm saying it
or even writing it...

Realizing things like that has helped me outgrow a lot of garbage. 
Helped me realize the things that were actually garbage. 
Realized I didn't have to partake in that, any of that.

If it doesn't resonate with who I am now... 
That's how I know that I've outgrown that. 

When you realize the things you once wished for...
THEN YOU REALIZE: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR...

"I may have wanted it at one point, but I don't want it now."

Remember when people were going nuts during Covid
And they were buying ALL the toilet paper?
WHY IS IT NOT STILL FLYING OFF THE SHELVES
TO THE EXTENT THAT IT WAS?

Because people got out of 'panic buying.'

I don't have to go back to crap I don't actually need. 
I don't need to have things that I don't actually need. 

I didn't need to be an alcoholic. 
I chose to be one. 
Then I realized that drinking was making a lot of sh*t, sh*ttier. 

"How'd that go? Was it everything you wanted?"
That's from a video I'm watching on youtube. 
Tried sharing it on here, but seems that sharing it to blogger
isn't in the options anymore. 

"Was being a drunk everything I wanted?"
"Was feeling how I felt every day what I wanted?"

One doctor was trying to get me to take antidepressants. 
I didn't want to because of my experience with zoloft. 
I don't wish that on anyone...

Anyway. I was in her office, talking with her. 
She's trying to get me to go some drug. 
I said, I don't want to.
And she's like: "Do you enjoy being depressed?"
Why would a doctor even ask someone this....

So I wanted to know why she would even ask that....
"Well if you don't enjoy it, you should take (whatever the drug was).

Like it should have been a choice to get the jab. 
People were being FORCED to get it to keep their jobs...
And what if it turns out to be some experimental garbage
that doesn't belong in a human body?

What if it actually causes blood clotting etc?
What if it turns people into zombies in 10 years?
People were getting it without even thinking about anything. 

"I better get it because everyone's getting it."
"I better go buy all the toilet paper because there won't be any left."
"I better leave early to beat rush hour and then rush hour just starts earlier."
"I better take this "drug" because my doctor asked me if I enjoy being depressed."

Lots of examples like this, but why listen to me?

Someone actually said that to me:
"Why should I listen to you? Where's your success story?"

My life up to this point, outgrowing all the crap I've outgrown
IS MY SUCCESS STORY. 
THE FEELING THAT I DON'T NEED TO HAVE A SUCCESS STORY
IS MY DAMN SUCCESS STORY.

Do I need to seek 'revenge'? So I need to be 'petty'?
Do I need to get jealous? Let alone do ugly things out of jealousy?

I had a dream the other night
that I did a bunch of ugly things out of jealousy
that I know that I wouldn't do because awake me realizes
that there isn't a need for that...

But... A couple of nights ago...
An entity tried to attack me. 
I was sleeping, and it lunged at me. 
Was right on top of me. 
When I woke up, there was nothing there. 
But I know what it was. 

I saw it one time, watching me as I slept. 

I don't talk about it often...
I'm only mentioning it because it jumped on me. 
Never have I had that happen before. It really scared me, at the time.

I know what it was because I saw it, once. 
So this was the second time... 
But it jumped on me. 

Anyway, these days have just been about writing and projects. 
I have to let certain things unfold the way that they have to. 
It's just hard to warn people who don't want to listen
let alone consider why I'm even trying to warn them. 

I tend to see things differently, now. 
I can sometimes see things that others can't
and that sometimes intimidates some people. 

But why listen to me? Where's my success story?
There are depths that I don't get into very often. 
And if they want to go with what other people think
or how other people look at me, 
there's little point going to those depths with them... 
Because they aren't at the point that they realized
that someone they're judging, and looking at in some type of way
isn't actually that way, at all. 

Like I know better than to ask someone (a patient) if they enjoy being depressed. 
How sh*tty is that to hear from your DOCTOR?

And why would anyone care if a little girl who went swimming
brushed her hair for a talent show?

Let alone say something about it?

And there were so many little things like that. 
That he said, out loud. That other people could hear...
Things that were freaking embarrassing FOR ME
AND I WASN'T THE ONE THINKING AND SAYING IT!

It was so embarrassing for me to be around them
when they think and say that and it makes me look like
I think that way, too.

A lot of people don't like me because they think I'm like my mom. 
Things came out of her mouth that made me realize how she thinks. 
After leaving home after my father died, then group homes, foster homes, 
and even being in a homeless camp, for a bit, 
I realized that everyone is different
and I really don't like and agree with how some people think, 
but after I changed my thinking I can see where some people still think
the way I used to think...
And I can think: "I used to think like that."
"I used to be that way."
"I used to feel like that."
"I used to look at it like that."

But it kind of makes me feel 'different.'
Also, when people sense that...
They try to make me feel bad about it. 
Because how dare I change and THEY can't seem to figure it out...

Like I just wrote tonight. I explained a big chunk of it.
If the parts that I asked if they make sense...
If they do make some sense...
And helps you realize whatever, cool, 
if you already had that figured out, 
then I don't know what would interest you about my writing. 

I just write to write because it helped me get through a lot of crap. 
I had to reread things I used to write about. 
Especially all those embarrassing cringe posts. 

I'm just thankful I'm not stuck there. 
Thinking can do you so much better than just distracting
with crap you don't actually need. 

All the people who are glued to their phones, 
without realizing there's a whole reality out there. 
Beyond your screen...
*As I'm looking at my screen, writing this*
 

But when I'm on the bus or a train, I look outside. 
I look around me, and a lot of people just don't even talk to each other. 
I've met people on the bus before. 

"How's your day going today?"
Usually enough to start a conversation. 

Just it's easy for people to get the wrong idea. 
That you're trying to get something from them or something.
"Why would a random stranger care about MY day?"
Isn't someone telling you about their day
a better distraction than your phone?
Just random conversations
With random topics like:

"How did you meet your husband (or wife)?"
I like that one because it takes them back to when they met
and every couple has their own story. 

Or if someone has a bunch of tattoos: "What was your first one?"
If someone travels "Where was the best place you been?"
Like what destination did they really enjoy being at.

Or "If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?"

Just that it can be risky to talk to strangers these days. 
Someone can also take the attention the wrong way. 
And have selfish desires. 


Maybe that's why a lot of people are kind of afraid to talk to each other.
Because many things can be taken the wrong way, 
even by the wrong person. 

And this is why dating is hard, at times. 
And I've heard enough stories to know that I don't want to be one. 

Not that I'm assuming that I can't meet someone, one day.
Perhaps someone who thinks along the same lines I do.

But I'm not in a rush and gave chances to people who didn't even know
what things could have been, but I can't force myself to think
along the lines they do. I just can't. 
Because I wouldn't be happy. 
I know, because I wasn't. 
 
Being around people who think like that
and them thinking that you do, too. 
And when they realize that you don't...
They try to convince you to think like them. 
It doesn't work. I'm not like that.

It's like the lost calling others lost because they are. 
Like people calling someone a "name."
All that immature stuff. 
That adults could have had the time to outgrow. 

Especially by the age of 40.

Asking "Do you enjoy being depressed"
Or expecting everyone to brush their hair for a talent show
THAT WAS FOR KIDS.

Among some things that would truly shock you...
Or maybe nothing much surprises you these days...