These Things

It's hard to just meet new people.
I don't know if it's this city specifically, 
or if it's the people I've been meeting...

I get along with guys better than with other females. 
I don't know why, exactly. 
I just feel like I can be myself around guys. 
I really feel judged by other females...

Anyway, so I met a guy on the bus. 
Seemed cool to just talk with. 

So we exchanged numbers.
He called me that night. 
We talked for a couple of hours
AND I TOLD HIM THAT I AM NOT INTERESTED IN DATING.
BECAUSE I'M NOT.

1) I enjoy time by myself. 
2) I'd rather be by myself than be insulted by guys who don't get 'their' way.

Don't judge a guy's character when his ego's being stroked.
Look at how they treat a female when she displeases him,
or when he's not getting 'his way.'

Seen so many shows where some jerk
doesn't take rejection well... 

"If I can't have her, nobody can."
Just really terrifying sh*t. 

As a female, I can say it's pretty rough. 
Especially when a guy EXPECTS sex.

Anyway, so this guy I met...
We talked...
Then today we were texting
and he was saying he wants friends with benefits.
When I told him that I don't do friends-with-benefits
it was pretty much the end of the conversation
even though we talked for like 2 hours the night before...

Like maybe get to know me as a person?

But no, only interested in getting to know me
TO be friends-with-benefits.

He was like:
I'm clean, I got my shots, I don't bite...

Nice that you're clean... But... 
It doesn't interest me. At all.

Any kind of 'relations' are for relationships.
I've been fooled into having one-night stands
with guys who were never interested in me.
That's f*cking degrading and myself-esteem was SHOT.

But it had more to do with them than with me.
At least that's what I tell myself.

Because really, what kind of guy is all like
WHAM BAM Thank you MAM 
and off to find the next...

If you f*ck a bunch of strangers...
Then what are you doing with your life?
Just f*cking a bunch of strangers?!

And it's like whenever I'm speaking my mind,
some guys seem to be 'terrified'.
Of what? Me speaking the truth?
Saying how I feel?
Saying what I do and don't want?

And somehow that 'immasculates' them?!
If you are strong in your masculinity
BECAUSE YOU'RE SECURE AND MATURE...
THEN IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOUR 'MASCULINITY.'

WHAT DO GUYS EXPECT?
A HOUSEWIFE WHO NEVER SPEAKS HER MIND?
IF SOMEONE NEEDS A DOSE OF REALITY...

THEN THEY NEED A DOSE OF REALITY.
I'm not a TOY so don't play games with me.
It's pretty simple.
A lot of things could be very simple.

But tell that to someone who just wants CONTROL
over someone else...

I DON'T WANT CONTROL OVER ANYONE.
WHAT I WANT IS SOMEONE WHO HAS SELF-CONTROL.

Someone who isn't manipulating, controlling...
Who lets me be myself, my own person. 
But doesn't let me or wants to let me do ALL THE WORK MYSELF. 

And if it doesn't work out, for whatever reason...
Who doesn't insult me, break my things, or take it out on me.

Ever heard of 'breakup violence'?
It's a thing that shouldn't be a thing. 
People should be allowed to move on, 
go their separate ways without worrying about 'revenge.'

These are valid concerns and often reasons a lot of females
just don't want to date anymore.

Sure, LOVE still exists. It does.
It's just not on my agenda.
Not that I have an agenda...
Like hidden motives kind of an agenda...

More like the agenda of working on my projects. 
Networking. Building alliances. 
All kinds of stuff like that.

Nowhere do I have a want or desire to date.
I used to... I used to write on here... Endless posts
about how depressed I was that I wanted to get married one day...
Blah blah blah.
If you dig in the archives you'll find a bunch.

If most guys can't even be respectful enough
to even value me as a person, even a friend or colleague, 
THEN WHAT IS THE POINT?
Can I be with or have something long-term
with someone I can't even work with?
Or values me as a person?
No, I can't. So I'd rather be alone.

Because I'm 40 years old now.
If I never get married, cool. 
Because I'd rather never get married than be with someone
who's 'nice and great' in the beginning, 
but once that wears off they turn into someone you never really knew.

I had a son with someone I never really knew.
Think about that.

Because it's easy to think you know someone.
And they turn out to be someone you never really knew. At all.
It happens all the time.

So part of me thinks: "Rather be alone."
Another part of me wonders because 'love' does exist...
But it seems so many people are out for themselves...

It's safer to put up boundaries with people. 
Right from the start.
Because they'll try to get whatever they can, some of them.

Don't get me wrong. There are actual mature men out there.
Who have the confidence and self-respect to know what they want, 
what they don't want, and what they're about
without all the toxic projection crap.

There really are. The friends who I trust.
Trust and respect are everything to me.

But there are also really selfish creeps.
40 is still kind of young-ish, but old enough
that I don't want to settle just to 'be with someone.'

I'd either want to be with the one who is right for me.
Or just be left tf alone.

It used to be my dream to get married, 
to be a wife, etc.

That's why there was a time that I really wanted that.
To the point, I was so damned depressed
because I was like "Why not me?!"

But in ALL honesty, I still have a lot of 'soul searching' to do
and I don't want a bunch of unrealistic expectations shoved onto me...
To be a 'certain' way to fulfill someone's needs.'
I just want to be happy fulfilling my own needs.
Just learning to feel good being in my own skin. 
Working on projects, and achieving goals.

When people think 'sex' is a 'need' there's something wrong with that.
It's not a need. Desires are not needs. 

The opposite (or same - not judging) sex are not possessions 
or play toys... They are people
who have the same feelings as you do. 

I don't even know why I feel a need to write about this.
All these common sense things that don't seem to really register
Some people tend to just think about themselves.

But there's more to life than just 'sex'
and those who ONLY want that miss out on a lot of things.

It really used to bother me to be treated like I offered nothing of value. 
But I'd rather offer it to someone who sees it, 
but not only sees it but recognizes where it comes from.
Sees me AS A PERSON. 
Not someone to be manipulated, controlled, convinced into things
THAT I WAS NEVER DOWN FOR.

If they knew me, like REALLY KNEW ME.
THEY WOULD KNOW ME SO WELL
THAT THEY WOULD COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.

And I wouldn't even feel the need to explain things
that shouldn't have to be explained
because they would already be understood. 

ALL THOSE DISGUSTING INFLATED EGOS
LIKE THEY ARE GOD'S GIFTS TO EVERYONE...
NOT FOR ME.

I'm not God's gift to anyone. 
But at least I can gift myself with enough self-respect
and even dignity to know that I don't deserve to be treated
the way I've been treated when someone doesn't 'get their way.'
Like I'm only there for their purposes, not because they actually want ME.

I hope this makes sense.